Dead at 30

klkateri · March 2014

This is gonna be long but bear with me please.

So, last night I got home from work very late and was super tired so I went to bed. At 2am my phone starts ringing off the hook. I figure it's my mom and any call that comes in at that hour can't be good. So, thankfully a message is left and it's my bestie from middle school... sobbing to call her back ASAP. So, I get up, stretch and figure she just got dumped. So I get some water and call her back. As soon as she answers she's in tears. Her baby sister (30) just died.

WTF?!

Now, my friend and her family moved about 5 hours away so we don't get to see each other that often so I start asking questions. What happened? Was she sick? The usual when a 30 year old dies suddenly. No, she replied hesitantly. Well, she had gained some weight since the car accident. How much I asked thinking maybe in the 50 -100 range. (Mind you, the whole family is large. The girls and their brother are all pushing if now over 6ft and weights in excess of 250+ each). NO, my friend replies... she's almost 600 pounds.

WTF?!

How in the hell did that happen? Well she's been in pain and on medication but it hurts to move and I don't know... she just gained the weight. OK, I understand pain... I had my knee replaced from an injury so I get it but if you move it can help the pain and help to keep the weight off. So after an hour, we hang up the phone and I lie awake till 5am or so thinking.

1. I am FURIOUS with their mom. She's always been in everyone's face but never when it comes to weight. Now, she used to be a nurse but broke her back helping a severely obese patient so you think she'd be all over her kids being so heavy but no. Now my friends sister lived at home with mom and SOMEONE had to be bringing in the food that got her to 600+. You don't just get there on your own. I almost feel like she killed my friend sister, whom was also my friend.

2. Where was her doctor telling her mom this about her weight... and her?! Why was there no intervention to deal with the problem? Now I'm not sure on this one but again... someone in chronic pain who is on perscribtion meds needs to be seeing doctor fairly often so why was nothing done? Or, was it simply mentioned and the family just poo=pooed it off.

3. Where was the rest of the family trying to help her to get out and support her in living a more healthy lifestyle? They had a lot of family where they moved... hence the move so where was everyone else?! Or, was it handy to keep her so heavy so that they had a babysitter?

4. How do I not have this happen to me, and more importantly, my very heavy SO?! I know I am working out and trying to lose weight so that's a step in the right direction but I still eat junk food and it's still in the house. And how do I get my SO to join in the cause?! He complains that once he gets home from his jobs that he is too tired but he stays up late playing video games.

SO, what are some small steps I can make to start changing my, or more importantly, OUR eating habits?! This whole thing has me concerned for our health and I don't want us dead either at a young age.

Thanks for letting me rant and for sticking with me to the end!!

ValGogo · March 2014

Im sorry you lost a friend. It sucks and I totally understand your anger.

On a positive note, when you lose weight, your knees will feel oh, so much better.

OK, it's about baby steps right now. Take a moment when you can and see how your diet is. What do you eat (or not eat) for breakfast? What are your hunger cues (do you munch when you're bored?) Do you make excuses for eating?

Are you active?

YOu seem like a smart cookie from the way you write. I like how you numbered the paragraphs.

It is just a matter of making small changes. Do you use this site to track your food? I would say start there. That should be your first baby step.

I also read somewhere to look at how much you want to weigh and multiply it by ten. So, if I want to weigh 180, I should try to keep my calories at 1800.

Take it easy, rome wasn't built in a day. Start with the logging and work your way from there. Do it for 30 days straight.

navyrigger46 · March 2014

Wow, that sucks. Just keep moving in the right direction, that's the best thing you can do. As for your SO, they have to come to it on their own terms, you can lead a horse to water and all that, just try to be a good example.

Rigger

WBB55 · March 2014

SO, what are some small steps I can make to start changing my, or more importantly, OUR eating habits?!

You are so brave to post this.

Something similar happened to me when my uncle died very young. Both me and my cousin saw him dying so young as a wake up call and changed our lives. Now, we're still young and healthy and don't have a lot of the same issues as the rest of our family, and god willing, we never will. So many of the illnesses people struggle with are completely preventable.

Take a look at your lifestyle, and ask yourself if this is what you want. Then just start making changes. If you smoke, quit. If you don't exercise, start walking. If you eat unhealthy things, cut back. If you just eat too much in general, cut back. Every small step can add up. The best way to inspire others to change, is be inspiring. Live as an example. Don't nag. Don't beg. Just show them the results of your efforts.

A lot of people live in denial about how much food they eat, just be honest about your choices. It's one of the best things you can do.

jbella99 · March 2014

baby steps. Just set a goal and slowly make your way there. don't get off track when you disappoint yourself. I would start by cutting out or at least limiting "junk food" Don't keep anything unhealthy in the house. If you want something that bad you will have to out and get it. that for me a detourant. lol. Know that it is a lifestyle change not a diet. So when you say good bye to greasy cheeseburgers there is no "see you later"

jirwin323 · March 2014

I'm sorry for you loss. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
.
When my son was 24, he weighed north of 300lbs. All of his life my wife would worry about his health. I told my wife many times that he would need to have a come to Jesus moment and make the decision that life was worth more than the next cheesburger and fries. We always tried to feed him healthy food, encourage exercise, and limited his video/tv time as a kid. But when he went off to university (already obese) he found it was easier to go to McDonalds, Wendy's, Domonios,...etc...etc then to go grocery shopping and buy healthy food and make use of the gym. On December 28th, 2012 he had that moment and committed to living a healthy lifestyle. On December 27th, 2013 he surprised us on a visit with a 135pd weight loss.

Perhaps there was nothing your friend or her family could do for their sister/daughter - unless you lived in the home it would be hard to understand what happened and how she got so big. All you can do is focus on yourself and make yourself the best, healthiest, and happiest you you can be.

caveninit · March 2014

I'm so sorry about your friend...so young. Tragic. We, as adults, have to be accountable to ourselves. We cant force people to make changes that they have no desire to make. Just keep doing what you are doing...log your food every day, eat at a calorie deficit, work out when you can to help keep your heart healthy. Maybe seeing you make these positive changes and feeling better will encourage your SO to do the same. Hang in there...YOU can do this.

motivatedmartha · March 2014

So sad for you - but at least you can control what happens to you and this shock may help you deal with your own issues long term. As for SO - all you can do is refuse to buy junk food - keep it out of the house as much as possible. My rule is - if they want it - they go to the store and buy it. I won't. I do allow planned treats ( have a glass of wine and piece of chocolate most evenings) but I don't buy crisps, biscuits and processed junk; to be honest of learned not to like it but know I would eat it out of boredom.

My thoughts are with your friend, her family and her loved ones - try not to blame or judge; there may have been more going on there than you can know x

:flowerforyou:

sassyjae21 · March 2014

I am so sad to read this. What a complete nightmare for all involved.

You are already taking the steps to not let it get to that point. Your friend's sister probably had some mental issues that were left unresolved, hence why she continued to get big. I cannot say why she was continually enabled by friends and family.

You are doing the right thing. Count your calories and never get too complacent.

You will get some great tips and great support from this website. I wish the best for you and all involved.

Briargrey · March 2014

What happened to your friend's sister is very sad, and I am deeply sorry for your loss.

That said - you really don't know what may or may not have been done to help encourage this morbidly obese woman to lose weight. In the end, it's no one's fault but her own. She was 30 - that's an adult. If she didn't have encouragement and good advice from healthcare practitioners, that is a shame and it should have occurred. But, it is still on her ultimately.

Why do I point that out? To help you. You have YOU to help yourself out and no one else. Others may help and may be supportive. Or they may not. Some may intentionally try to sabotage you (or unintentionally) for a variety of reasons (misery loves company). But no matter what other people do, no matter how uplifting, depressing, demeaning, frustrating, annoying, or whatever it is...YOU HOLD ALL THE POWER to make the changes in your life.

My small steps suggestion:
1. Make changes slowly, don't do too much at once.
2. Track here, be honest, be accurate, don't shirk even if you had a bad day
3. If you fall down, get back up
4. Move more, but start slow if you haven't done it a lot. 5 minutes a day extra walking can turn into 20-30 minutes 3x/week.

Hopefully some will come in with some awesome posts (there are links to a guide to sexypants, trogalicious has an incredible 'here's how to get started' post he copies/pastes in a lot of threads he finds, in place of a road map topic is great) -- I haven't been good at saving any of those awesome things, but others have, so here's hoping they'll get them to you.

Insofar as your SO, only your SO can help your SO. If s/he wants to come along on this journey with you, awesome. But remember, if he decides to have something you don't want to have...it's on YOU to resist it or moderate it and make it fit your calories and nutrition goals. It's not on him. You're a big person and responsible for it. It's frustrating to see threads about people not wanting to take responsibility for their eating habits and instead get pissy because another person has food in the house the first person doesn't want. We all get it -- it's hard to control yourself sometimes. And it's better if you can at least get buy in to help mitigate your trigger foods and such, especially in the beginning as you're building control habits and learning how to eat within your goals....but plenty of people do it every day without having to ensure the house is pristine from temptation. And they're stronger and better for it!

jennifer_a00 · March 2014

I can tell you are reeling right now, with pain and anger. Sorry for your loss

.

I don't know how someone gets to be 600 pounds, and you are right that the family had to probably be enabling the behavior, and that sucks, but what I have learned is that we can't change anyone else's behavior, as much as we wish we could. We can set a good example, encourage, and try and teach good habits, but ultimately it's up to each person to do what they will...

What a sad, sad situation.

Lesa_Sass · March 2014

Wow, how heartbreaking.

I am sure the family is asking themselves the same exact questions right now that you have asked. But it all boils down to she was 30 and was incharge of her own life and choices. She is the one that ate herself to death.

I hate that she is gone but I hope this wakes a few people up and makes them serious about getting their life straightened out.

Mr_Excitement · March 2014

That's awful-- I'm sorry to hear your friend died.

It's unreal how big people can get these days. We've got lots of incredibly calorie-dense foods available, for very cheap.

sloth3toes · March 2014

While your anger and desire to lash out at others for the woman's death is completely understandable. And, there almost had to have been a certain amount of enabling going on. But ultimately, my weight is my responsibility, and her weight was her responsibility.

The_1_Who_Knocks · March 2014

SO, what are some small steps I can make to start changing my, or more importantly, OUR eating habits?! This whole thing has me concerned for our health and I don't want us dead either at a young age.

I'm sorry about your friend's sister, that is horrible.

Also reminds me of how silly some of these calorie nazis are about telling people to eat at least 1200 calories every day or their body is going to fall apart. They seem to completely ignore that the biggest health concern of all is the obesity.

I'll tell you what made a huge difference to me....I started eating a lot of whole oats. Very filling and good for you. I would sweeten with Splenda or even using sugar is fine if you have too. Add some cinammon. They are really inexpensive too, like 10 cents a serving or less.

The junk we eat...it makes us crave more junk. So I see all these people spouting "portion control", but it is a lot easier to just stop eating the junk. Then you won't crave it anymore anyway.

chunkybun · March 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. I've often wondered about how people can enable their loved ones to get to this point.

As others have mentioned, you need to make a lifestyle change and that can be seriously daunting. I continuously find myself going back to a thread on here called, "Just for today". It's easy to wake up and say, "I'm not going to have fast food today." or "I'm going to walk for 30 minutes without stopping". It's really scary to say, "I'm never eating fast food again" or "I have to work out 5 days/week for the rest of my life."

Remember, all you need to do is make today better than yesterday, make this week better than last week. Keep short term obtainable goals.

Take photos/measurements along the way. The changes are so gradual, you probably won't notice right away, but seeing changes side by side, or watching numbers go down is inspiring and will give you the push you need to carry on.

Best of luck to you. Focus on YOUR health. Tell your SO how you would like him to become healthier with you, but let him come to it on his own. Hopefully your successes will provide inspiration to him.

1princesswarrior · March 2014

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have an older brother who sounds a lot like your SO, works all day, comes home tired, etc. The whole family is worried about him and his weight. My dad is mentally abusive and is always chastising him and I think that makes it worse. But I've been serious about my health and weight loss since June 2013 and have lost 60 pounds since then. What approach I took with my brother is that I told him about this site and said he should check it out. I invited him to be a guest at one of my sessions with my trainer whenever he wanted or if he ever wanted to go to the gym with me now to just let me know and I would take him. That's all I did is just left him an open invitation. For 7 months he did nothing, I said nothing to him, now my parents are a different story. I tell them to leave him alone about his weight. Suddenly he started eating less and waking up and going to the gym in the mornings all by himself. Yay to my brother!

I have not said anything to him because I'm afraid it will make him feel self-conscious. I don't know if he had a come to Jesus moment or if he is using this site or what but I'm really happy for him. I don't know if watching my success had anything to do with it, maybe it did maybe it didn't, I hope not, I hope he made his own decision to get healthy.

I still eat junk food but I make it fit into my day. I weigh food, I measure liquids and I exercise.

I'm glad you are getting healthy. Keep up the good work. If you need to keep junk food out of the house then by all means quit buying it. Do what works for you, this is a process of trial and error. Read this, it will help you get started: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

lthames0810 · March 2014

Wow! What a sad story. As I was reading I was thinking the same things you then spelled out.

I used to wonder how heavy people got that way. Didn't they figure something needed to change when their clothes got too tight? The answer to weight gain is to just get bigger clothes and not worry about it? Do they not know or not care that it is unhealthy?

As it turned out in my case, I did those things too. I got bigger clothes but always cheap things and not very many because I always resolved to lose the weight in a few months. Never happened. It was also true that I didn't worry about my health. When you're only 30 years old, you aren't much concerned about mortality and figure you have all the time in the world. In my case also, some depression figured into things. I think I was just lucky that I didn't get that big. In fact, I have never been over 200lb (close though) because the only thing I still liked to do when I was depressed was ride my bike.

As far as someone continuing to over feed them after they become too big to move? No idea. That continues to be a mystery to me. I hope another responder can put that into perspective.

For your own health, you know what to do, because you're here. It isn't necessary to keep away from pleasure foods the rest of your life. You can still be healthy and eat dessert too. You can't change other people (especially SOs) so you just worry about you and let them worry about them.

klkateri · March 2014

Its good to see I'm not the only one going "WTF?!" to this whole, sad situation.

As for me, I've been here for about 3-4 months of solid logging in and for the most part being able to stay under my calories and slowly reducing them as well. Right now, I'm at 1550 calories and able to come in under.

I have been working out more. I find I enjoy strength training and Fluidity. I am to the point of 5-6 days a week plus I'm very active at my part time job so much so that I count it on here as a workout lol.

I guess my hardest part is not having a cheeseburger when I'm at work cuz it easy or buy the pre-made crap cuz I don't want to make lunch for work. I have been trying to make more dinners during the week and I find that it helps me be so much more aware of whats going in. I still give into my craving but I find it takes less of that craving item to fill the craving.

I just worry about the SO... I see him heading in this direction. He's already 6'3" and 370+. He loves junk food... especially late at night. He doesn't work out. I can't even get him to walk our dog a couple times a week. In those rare times he does... it's a short 5 minute walk and he complains the whole time.

I do like the idea of being the inspiration... perhaps that will help me to work even harder. I want to be here on this Planet for a very long time and I'd like my SO to be here as well.

MickieM623 · March 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. I've often wondered about how people can enable their loved ones to get to this point.

As others have mentioned, you need to make a lifestyle change and that can be seriously daunting. I continuously find myself going back to a thread on here called, "Just for today". It's easy to wake up and say, "I'm not going to have fast food today." or "I'm going to walk for 30 minutes without stopping". It's really scary to say, "I'm never eating fast food again" or "I have to work out 5 days/week for the rest of my life."

Remember, all you need to do is make today better than yesterday, make this week better than last week. Keep short term obtainable goals.

Take photos/measurements along the way. The changes are so gradual, you probably won't notice right away, but seeing changes side by side, or watching numbers go down is inspiring and will give you the push you need to carry on.

Best of luck to you. Focus on YOUR health. Tell your SO how you would like him to become healthier with you, but let him come to it on his own. Hopefully your successes will provide inspiration to him.

this was a great response. Excellent advice.

Dead at 30

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