Husband frequently corrects my form during workouts.

jillian_fan2425
jillian_fan2425 Posts: 167 Member
in Motivation and Support
My husband is a fencer and trains others in fencing as a hobby on the weekends. As a result, he says that he is qualified to instruct me about proper form when I am working out. Sometimes he does this gently, by asking if I'd like to know how to make a move more effective, and sometimes he is concerned about injury--those instances I can appreciate, though he still sometimes just butts in and makes me feel self-conscious. My major issue is that he sometimes makes comments about a perceived lack of intensity, and those kind of get under my skin. Tonight I was working out with a DVD and he just couldn't help commenting that the girl on the tape was getting much deeper into the move than I was. Well, I know my body and I'm not quite to her level, so I didn't feel comfortable upping the intensity. We debated this long enough for me to miss about 10 reps, and it really ruined my mood for the rest of the workout. I felt like even if he was coming from a good place, he didn't really exercise tact, and it made me regret not asking for some privacy.

I finally approached him about it and he got very upset, saying that I don't respect him or his opinion and I'm too sensitive. I tried to communicate that exercising is part of my "alone time" and I think I should get credit for even putting in the effort after a long day, but he maintained that I had offended him and that he would just keep his mouth shut and stay out of my diet and exercise entirely. I didn't want him to jump to such a extreme conclusion; I just wanted him to be a source of support and not my personal trainer.

Am I totally off base here? Have any of you ever experienced this problem, and--other than break up, of course--found a solution? Are there any suggestions for ways to talk to him about being more tactful (e.g., waiting until post-workout, asking to give advice)?

Replies

  • tapirfrog
    tapirfrog Posts: 616 Member
    he maintained that I had offended him and that he would just keep his mouth shut and stay out of my diet and exercise entirely.

    Good. That's the best solution

    Honestly, tell him you're happy with that resolution. It's really best not to have someone who thinks he knows what he's doing getting into a sport/activity he knows nothing about. So he's a fencer -- he doesn't know about every body-toning move on the planet and he obviously doesn't know about your personal fitness level (or he wouldn't have been urging you to go deeper than you were okay with). Let him fence; he should let you work out and stay out of your grill about it.

    Edited to add: Of course, don't say "It's better that you're not up in my grill and you don't know everything." Just say "I think if you'd rather stay out of it, that's the best resolution. I need a specific kind of support and my exercise is my me time, so maybe it's better if you don't try to figure out how to walk that fine line. Just be waiting with a kiss when I'm done!"
  • emilyc85
    emilyc85 Posts: 450 Member
    I refuse to work out if my husband is home at all. Like, it is to the point where if I am working out and hear him pull in the driveway, I will stop before he gets in the house. This is a personal preference because I know that I would be way too self conscious about him being in the same room with me.

    Other than just not working out when he is around, which I am sure is very hard with people that have traditional work schedules (neither me nor my husband do), then I am really not sure how to help you. I do think that it is extreme for him to just come unglued like that, especially if you explained that you are just not able to do the work out as the instructor is quite yet. Is there maybe another underlying issue??

    I wish you luck and I hope that you can get things worked out :)

    Good luck to you in your continued fitness goals
  • AlwaysInMotion
    AlwaysInMotion Posts: 409 Member
    Correct his form, in bed. That should do the trick.

    In all seriousness, sometimes you just have to tune bossy/critical people out - for your own sanity. You can't control them, only yourself. You know how you feel, you know what you are doing... and unless you asked for his advice/guidance, then he's overstepping/intruding. (That drives me batty, too!) Don't let him ruin your workout, your mood, or your day. Sometimes it works just to briefly acknowledge what he says (so he doesn't feel disrespected/ignored...), file it away as good/bad/indifferent advice, and then keep doing your own thing. I'm also curious why he feels compelled to comment on or critique everything.Sounds like he has some underlying control issues (don't worry, I'm not going there...) Perhaps you can gently remind him that he's interrupting your focus and/or he should perhaps focus on his own task/workout at hand.
  • Achrya
    Achrya Posts: 16,913 Member
    :huh:
  • jillian_fan2425
    jillian_fan2425 Posts: 167 Member
    Thanks for the replies, everyone!

    Usually I do work out on my own, but we're both students and it can be hard to find time to work out as it is without having to factor in whether or not he's going to be around. I don't think it's so much that he's a control freak, more like he's the kind of guy who likes to be right and likes to teach people new things whenever he can. Like I said, I do think he's coming from a good place, but he just needs to understand that this is something I'm doing for myself and trust me to listen to my body and know what's right for me.

    I agree that maybe it's best to let it go for now and allow him to totally ignore my diet and workouts. Hopefully he'll come around eventually. If not, at least now I have some good ideas about better ways to communicate that I want him to back off a little bit.
  • jackielou867
    jackielou867 Posts: 422 Member
    I wish my husband would show that kind of interest in my workouts. I could use someone to watch my form. Not always easy to see yourself workout and see if you are getting it right. I always see people at the gym working out together and egging each other on to get deeper or do one more rep.
  • jillian_fan2425
    jillian_fan2425 Posts: 167 Member
    I wish my husband would show that kind of interest in my workouts. I could use someone to watch my form. Not always easy to see yourself workout and see if you are getting it right. I always see people at the gym working out together and egging each other on to get deeper or do one more rep.

    Yeah, but he's not working out with me. He's sitting on the couch on his laptop, glancing over at me occasionally and commenting. I'd love for us to work out together once in a while, but he's not really interested in doing the DVDs with me and I'm not really into the whole fencing thing. I think I'd be more receptive to feedback if we were both working out together, though.
  • kiku76
    kiku76 Posts: 352 Member
    This is exactly why I won't work out when my husband is at home. He's not even in shape now, but he was an athlete in high school. I know he means well, but I don't take criticism well.
    I just work out when he's at work. If I do want to do something when he's home, I'll leave him with the kids and go running
  • Unknown
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  • 1daylate1dollarshort
    1daylate1dollarshort Posts: 45
    I have other areas of my life that I get unwanted advice in from my SO, so I kind of understand this.

    I found that the best course of action, in this scenario, is to clarify that I appreciate the advice on certain occasions, but I honestly don't want advice unless I specifically ask for it. That worked for me and my SO. Everyone is different. Doesn't sound like you meant to hurt his feelings at all. I hope it stops being a pain.
  • cpcoursec
    cpcoursec Posts: 82 Member
    It's probably age. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. My wife will occasionally ask me a question for example, "Am I doing this Russian Twist correctly." and then I will advise her.

    Other than that when she is working out I see and hear nothing.
  • jackielou867
    jackielou867 Posts: 422 Member
    I wish my husband would show that kind of interest in my workouts. I could use someone to watch my form. Not always easy to see yourself workout and see if you are getting it right. I always see people at the gym working out together and egging each other on to get deeper or do one more rep.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    If it's come down to posting marital problems on the internet, my only suggestion is marriage counseling or divorce.
  • LiftAllThePizzas
    LiftAllThePizzas Posts: 17,857 Member
    My favorite part is where he gets all butthurt and accuses you of being too sensitive, and then he flounces.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
    I'm on the fence here. First I wanted to say that you two should take a week off from fitness dvds and watch a few "adult" dvds together.

    and then I read
    Tonight I was working out with a DVD and he just couldn't help commenting that the girl on the tape was getting much deeper into the move than I was


    and i'm thinking maybe you two should NEVER watch adult OR fitness dvds together again.
  • cpcoursec
    cpcoursec Posts: 82 Member
    If it's come down to posting marital problems on the internet, my only suggestion is marriage counseling or divorce.

    I don't think we can hear with you all the way up on your high horse.
  • jillian_fan2425
    jillian_fan2425 Posts: 167 Member
    Thanks everyone for your helpful (and if not so helpful, at least mildly amusing) suggestions.

    DH and I were able to talk it out a little more and I think we now understand each other's perspective better. I have a better appreciation of his desire to help and support me and he knows that it's best to ask if I want his opinion before commenting on my workouts in the future. I'll keep some of the other helpful advice offered in this thread if the situation crops up again in the future.
  • DopeItUp
    DopeItUp Posts: 18,771 Member
    I'm still trying to figure out why being a fencing trainer makes him an authority on exercise form. Do you do lots of heavy deadlifts while competing in fencing or something?
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    If it's come down to posting marital problems on the internet, my only suggestion is marriage counseling or divorce.

    I don't think we can hear with you all the way up on your high horse.

    Jon-Hamm-Sure-Thing.gif
  • littleburgy
    littleburgy Posts: 570 Member
    Give him a good whip with that fencing sword! :devil:
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
    :huh:


    This. I'm confused as to why something so simple as looking out for one another is causing a fight.

    I encourage my husband to correct my form when we lift together. And I watch his to make sure it's spot on too. Aren't you supposed to look out for your partner?
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    He called you sensitive but got very upset....sounds like he is the sensitive one.

    Be persistent, communicate, and try to find a middle ground.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    If it's just a matter of correcting form, that's a good thing, however it sounds more like he was critiquing you and comparing you to the other female in the video and I can see how that ruffled your feathers. Glad you two have come to a nice agreement!

    I hate it when Hubs is home when I do workouts - he loves poking fun at me. My usual retort is "how about joining me and seeing if you can keep up?". And of course that just makes him laugh and walk away. Good!

    I've had some training and sometimes can't help but speak up and ask others if they want some advice when I see them using bad form. It almost pains me to see someone flailing around or using odd positioning that I know could lead to injury. I know if it was the other way around, I'd want someone to tell me I'm doing something wrong so I try to help when I can but not be pushy or patronizing. It's definitely one of those fine line things though...you don't want to make people self conscious to the point where they just say screw it, I suck at this, and just stop all together.
  • gkauf744
    gkauf744 Posts: 128 Member
    I work out around my family all the time, and I get that too. Especially from my kids. "Mom, you're not doing it right." I laugh it off. They don't know how hard it is, none of them are actually doing the workout. I agree with the poster who says she invites her husband to join. That will vacate the room quick!
  • bagge72
    bagge72 Posts: 1,377 Member
    He sounds like the sensative one, I think what happened really is your best scenario. This why I go in the bedroom to watch TV when my wife works out, she knows her body and what she is doing, and doesn't need my help, and if she does she asks for it.

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