How to handle difficult people

Jeffs_Jess
Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
in Motivation and Support
I don't generally start topics here on MFP, I more or less just read the forums and get lots of tips and ideas.
However, for the last little while, I've been experiencing an issue with my sister and I'm not sure what to do.
I started my weight loss journey back in June of 2012. I lost a lot of weight, over 120 lbs. Since then, I've gained a little back and have about 20 lbs. left to lose. I don't think that's unreasonable and being 20 lbs. lighter will bring me to the weight I was at my best and where I felt the best and most confident.
My sister has also struggled with her weight for her entire life. She's larger than I am and she's been on and off dieting as a lot of us have. She is very jealous and I don't think she likes to see her younger sister do better than herself.
We are supposed to spend some time together this weekend and we generally go to the mall. However, she always wants to partake in lunch, and although that's great, I don't fare well in food courts. It's a lot of temptation for me and I'd rather prepare my own lunch at home and eat something I feel great about. When I told her this, she said, "YOU'RE SO SKINNY, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT, YOU'RE LOOKING TOO THIN". Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm not too thin. I don't think I am and I'm actually considered overweight according to the BMI chart.
How do I go about shrugging her comments off? It's really hard because we're close and I feel like if I say something to her and ask her to stop, she'll get mad, because that's how she is. But, my weight and my goals are really none of her business. I'm kind of torn. Any suggestions on how to go about this?

Replies

  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    She's projecting- plain and simple. You saying you have 20 lbs to lose still and being aware of your descions makes her keenly aware of her own short comings and failures.
    I would keep your comments about having a hard time with food at the mall to yourself and just go to the mall with her- there are always wraps- salads and choices to make that aren't going to blow your calorie budget.


    if SHE randomly brings it up- tell her while you appreciate her comments- they are mostly hurtful and not helpful and do not pertain to your particular goals and you would appreciate it if she would stop being so negative for no other reason than to be hurtful. And just change the subject.
  • Jeffs_Jess
    Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
    I know there are a couple of choices at the mall that wouldn't be completely bad. I just find it very difficult to be around her or her husband in setting where there are food. Because amongst wandering the mall or anywhere we are, they will stop 3 or 4 times to get a snack or a treat or food. And they are kind of pushy. "Want something? Come on."
    And, it seems the only place they ever want to get together is the mall, which is a bit redundant, but oh well.
    She is the jealous type. I think part of her problem is, she's seen me do so well and she struggles, a lot and doesn't have the support from her SO like I do. But, at the same time, it'd be nice if she were to go about it and say, "I understand, why don't you come over before we go and we can prepare something together"
    I always feel like she tries to sabotage me.
  • malou1985
    malou1985 Posts: 138 Member
    This may not be do-able for u, but i am going to suggest because it's what i would do. maybe u can still go to the mall, but bring ur own food with u? and dont tell her ur doing it to reach ur goal weight, instead u tell her ur doing it for budget reasons "i wanted to buy (blah, blah item- shoes, purse clothing)" that way she doesn't feel like ur rubbing the weight issue in her face
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    she probably is to be honest.

    Crabs in a bucket- the one tryign to get out- and everyone else pulls him down.

    Stand your ground- pack your own snacks- or even pay in cash for what you want. Eat something before you go so whatever you get is small. - log what you eat to when you are there (if you have a smart phone) so you can make sure of what it is.

    You're battle isn't her battle but that doesn't mean you have to lose time with your sister. or maybe suggest a walk in the park!
  • karl39x
    karl39x Posts: 586 Member
    When ever she says something that you don't like try ignoring her or changing the subject, and if all else fails then try stonewalling. Although this is not effective communication and is not recommended; if talking about your discomfort by her comments doesn't help then go ahead.
  • Jeffs_Jess
    Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
    Oh I will eat before we go, regardless. Thanks everyone. Not everyone is understanding and supportive when it comes to this journey, as you all know. And, I can't expect everyone to be. But it makes certain situations uncomfortable and unpleasant sometimes.
  • ActuarialChef
    ActuarialChef Posts: 1,413 Member
    Because she's your sister and you probably do want to spend time with her, even if it's at the mall, my suggestion is to bring a few non-perishable snacks with you.

    I frequently bring carrot sticks or pop-chips or portable fruit with me when I'm shopping. I have no shame in sitting down to eat it at the food court, whether I'm alone or with someone, whether the person I'm with is buying food or also partaking in a from-home snack. The food courts are not for the sole use of mall patrons who are purchasing food, they are for all mall patrons to sit down mid-shopping trip.

    Good luck dealing with your sister though. I don't have a sister but I know if it were my brother or a close friend or my mom I would come right out and say that they were upsetting me, but that's not everyone's cup of tea. So just try to work around the temptations and come prepared :smile:

    Edited to add: I know that, for me, eating before hand is not enough. Eating out is a social thing to me - if someone else is eating, I want to be eating too! So if we go out and my bf gets a Chick-Fil-A milkshake or something and I don't have room for it that day, I break out the apple or buy fat free frozen yogurt instead so that I can still indulge in the social aspect of eating and enjoy time with him. (Alternatively, if I know ahead of time that we're going out, sometimes I'll make room in my day for a small milkshake too :smile: gotta love CFA!)
  • kbmnurse
    kbmnurse Posts: 2,484 Member
    IGNORE the b
    .
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    I'd use her comments as motivation to stick to my goals while eating out. You can't avoid temptations forever, so let her see you eat but eat well. Maybe she'll follow your example.
  • knra_grl
    knra_grl Posts: 1,566 Member
    First, congratulations on your weightloss ... great work and you should be proud. Your issue seems to be more about her than you, if she insists on lunch while out shopping perhaps you could suggest a place where you know they have something on the menu that you are comfortable with and avoid the food court ... just say "great idea, how bout I treat you to lunch at (your choice)". That way it's not about your food choices and you still get to have a guilt free day with her. If she is really struggling with her weightloss maybe she needs a little more of a support system to help her along.
  • Jeffs_Jess
    Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
    She's my sister, I love her.
    Although, I wish that she could truly be happy for me and my success, rather than try to tear me down.
    I'm happy very happy that she's trying and wanting to lose weight, at least. But she doesn't reciprocate.
  • Jade0529
    Jade0529 Posts: 213 Member
    Why not just suggest a place in the food court that has healthier options? You don't have to shove it at her but just say something like "oh great, well there's X place that has some food I'd like to try. Would you like to join me there?"

    if she doesn't then you tried. It's the food court. You can buy your food from whatever place you want and then join her to eat. If you are tempted, then factor it into your calories for the day and indulge in something that you want
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    tough all the way around! I know its hard for me to resist the mall, the smell of the pretzel bites particularly! and my kids always want to go there! but ive worked hard so I dont want to ruin it! i always keep a bar in my purse. i think about what else I want, not just for now but for long term. u have to deal with the fact that shes jealous, she prob wants u to gain some back, maybe not consciously, so ur in the same boat. some people just cant be happy for others. also, its really hard to watch someone else have their s**t together whens urs isn't there yet!(been there!) sometimes cinnamon gum really helps me. hang in there! if u dont let her issues become yours then u have won so to speak. yes she should be happy for you, but u can't make her be. just take the high road and keep your mouth shut. how about suggesting a hike or walk or bike ride the next time they suggest the mall? just say there's nothing u want or need there! or skating at the roller rink? thats always fun esp when they play the old songs! rock climbing? suggest something new and fun
  • Jeffs_Jess
    Jeffs_Jess Posts: 28
    I'd love to suggest something active to do together.
    However, she's very self concious about her body and weight. And so I gather from her reactions to physical activity in the past that her idea of fun together wouldn't be cycling or skating. I wish it could be and maybe one day, it will be.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    I'll tell you what I'd do. It may not work for you.

    I'd say. It is only one day, and it's my sister. She struggles with feeling crappy, and I understand that. I'll go with them and try to select the healthiest option, but I won't sweat it if I go over in my calories.

    I also wouldn't make a big deal about the struggle with food. It is ONE day. You aren't going on a month long shopping trip. Even a day derail will not cause you to gain back all you lost. But you could damage your tenuous relationship with your sister if you focus too hard on it.

    My family is also largely overweight, and they don't understand me, but I always say "family before food" and am willing to take a hit here and there in order to foster relationship growth.


    If it became a daily thing, though, I would behave differently. This does not seem like a daily thing.
  • BrainyBurro
    BrainyBurro Posts: 6,129 Member
    I don't generally start topics here on MFP, I more or less just read the forums and get lots of tips and ideas.
    However, for the last little while, I've been experiencing an issue with my sister and I'm not sure what to do.
    I started my weight loss journey back in June of 2012. I lost a lot of weight, over 120 lbs. Since then, I've gained a little back and have about 20 lbs. left to lose. I don't think that's unreasonable and being 20 lbs. lighter will bring me to the weight I was at my best and where I felt the best and most confident.
    My sister has also struggled with her weight for her entire life. She's larger than I am and she's been on and off dieting as a lot of us have. She is very jealous and I don't think she likes to see her younger sister do better than herself.
    We are supposed to spend some time together this weekend and we generally go to the mall. However, she always wants to partake in lunch, and although that's great, I don't fare well in food courts. It's a lot of temptation for me and I'd rather prepare my own lunch at home and eat something I feel great about. When I told her this, she said, "YOU'RE SO SKINNY, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOSE ANYMORE WEIGHT, YOU'RE LOOKING TOO THIN". Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm not too thin. I don't think I am and I'm actually considered overweight according to the BMI chart.
    How do I go about shrugging her comments off? It's really hard because we're close and I feel like if I say something to her and ask her to stop, she'll get mad, because that's how she is. But, my weight and my goals are really none of her business. I'm kind of torn. Any suggestions on how to go about this?

    MFPkeepcalmlogit_zps0a1cbfdf.jpg

    one lunch at a food court won't hurt your efforts. choose foods that you can most easily estimate/log if that makes you feel better.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,323 Member
    like brainy said, one mall meal aint gonna kill you or undo any of the amazing progress youve made.

    2 things stuck out to me in your posts...
    1. your sister is making comments regarding your weight (being too thin, etc.)
    2. she is self conscious about her weight

    this is your sister.
    despite the possibility of her getting mad, talk to her.
    lay it out for her....tell her that the comments she makes are hurtful to you and cause you to believe she's not happy about your success. how would she feel if you made comments about HER weight? betchya the farm she'd hate it.
    there is NOTHING wrong with standing up for yourself, and telling someone that the things they say are making you feel ****ty.
    if her beef is that she's bigger than you are, tough titties. whos fault is that?
    as far as i'm concerned, if theres anyone i can have a straight-up and possibly blunt conversation with, it's my sister.
    obviously you dont need to be mean about anything, but stop walking on eggshells for her...stop "shrugging off" the comments, and demand the respect that you deserve and likely give to her.
  • AlwaysInMotion
    AlwaysInMotion Posts: 409 Member
    Any chance you can suggest having a nice sit-down lunch at <non-mall restaurant X that has options for both of you> and then suggest going to the mall afterwards? If the food court's selection is the majority of the problem, then try to remove it from your equation. It's just a thought. It's even more gracious & appealing if baby sis (you) is offering to buy lunch at restaurant X! Sometimes it's best to pre-emptively plan around trouble spots versus colliding straight into them. Give that a thought. Just be as sweet, gracious AND persistent about it. (Don't let on that you are picking a restaurant to avoid the food court. Spin it as a treat.)
  • caroldavison332
    caroldavison332 Posts: 864 Member
    But a million bucks shes and older sister. They like to control. So what?

    Brush and floss the life out of your teeth before you go so your fresh minty breath makes everything take like crap. Chew quadruple mint gum too.

    Bring a healthy snack like nuts. Bring ANOTHER snack because you know she'll want to tempt you a second time so bring fruit too. Also, consider a cup of herbal raspberry tea with no sugar or creamer. :) Aren't I a little smartie?

    Next time YOU suggest a walk in the park or around the lake, watch the puppies at the dog park, do a dance video, etc.

    She may just be stuck in a rut and have no better idea of what to do.
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    IGNORE the b
    .

    Rude. This is her sister.

    Have something that works for you, and if it puts you over a bit, log it and tell yourself it's more important to have a healthy relationship with your sister than a perfect logging day every day. One meal over calories here and there won't do damage. If you know you're going out with her, do a morning workout to burn some extra calories?

    Or else, maybe you and she need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this without her hubby and not at the mall where you can tell her how this makes you feel. Maybe she can tell you why she's really doing what she's doing.

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