STRESSED... Support/Advice PLEASE!!

Aviendha_RJ · March 2014

Alright... sizeable rant... but I really need advice. This is the short version of what I'm dealing with:

I'm 31... had a house, relationship, career... decided that two out of 3 were toxic... sold the house, dumped the career, went back to school. Relationship broke down (turns out it was toxic too), & I moved in with my Dad & Stepmom, & my 18-year-old stepbrother.

Tonight, for the second time, my stepbrother invited 8 friends over for a night of underage drinking, & pot smoking while our parents are in North Carolina. The last time, I asked him to keep it down... then after the party was over, I flipped out on him.

CONTEXT: I'm in Ontario, where the legal age to drink is 19. The law says that the homeowner, and any individual residing in a home over the age of 19 (together) are responsible if minors drink on the premises. Basically, if one of them gets hurt/alcohol poisoning/drives drunk etc. *I* am the one who can get sued/charged with Criminal Negligence for not monitoring the situation. Pot is also "decriminalized" but not "legalized"... so it is personal use only.

In my stepbrother's bathroom is a set of weigh scales, a basket full of lighters, and a large bong. Usually there is pot under the sink. But essentially, it's set up like a POT STATION in his bathroom, where he smokes it in the house. I'm allergic... my parents don't want him too... but "there's a bathroom fan... so it's ok" (?)

So tonight... day after the parents leave... he throws this party. I don't know these kids... I tried to be "cool"... but I noticed around 1:00am that a boy & a girl locked themselves in my bathroom. Alone. With the lights off. For. Ten. Minutes. I had a friend who was raped at a party doing that when she was 18. By her boyfriend---of six years---that she had known since childhood.

Ok... my blood pressure is a MAX... my heart is racing... I asked my stepbrother to shut the party down.

2:30... music is off... party is on. I went downstairs & asked him to shut it down again. I told him he was done. I work at 8:30 in the morning. He mouthed off at me, told me it's not my business, not my responsibility, not my problem, not my decision. I told him the law says otherwise... & that he needs to shut it down. He disagreed.

So I called 911... right in front of him. And listened to him rant about how I've "ruined the family" how I'm crazy, a terrible human being... I'm a b!tch, my stepsister would "call shame on me"...etc. etc. Then I went upstairs & waited for the police. A cab came... I called the kids to leave in it... they didn't. Police showed up... I asked him to explain that a) Dylan can't have a party like this until he's 19... b) I'm responsible for the house party being over 19, & c) he's done, he has to clear it out. Well. Dylan HID from the officer... I had to find him.

The officer told him everything... seemed professional... detached... bit bored. It's now 3am & he's in a College town dealing with more drunk kids. After he left; his response was "my stepsister's a joke... the cop didn't even want to BE here... he knows it was a joke... this is ridiculous... mom is going to throw her out on her @ss"... etc. etc. etc. He's never been held responsible for ANYTHING & what I wanted was a warning; which I got. I could have had him in bracelets in the back of the cruiser if I'd told him about the bathroom.

Nevertheless.... Now I feel like a terrible human being. I feel guilty. I covered my butt... made sure that if anything happens, the liability does NOT fall on me... & I let the mouthy little jerk know I mean business & he can't push me around.

If you were in the same situation, *what would you do*? Right now, I WANT TO EAT THE WORLD... I'm tired... I'm cranky... I have about an hour left to sleep before I have to be up for work... & a WEEK to wait until the parents get home.

Aviendha_RJ · March 2014

*Bump*

hooyip · March 2014

So, I don't have any real advice for you, that's one f*%king tricky situation you've got there, one where there's not going to be one easy solution where everybody wins. Just not going to happen.

But I did want to say that I empathize with your situation, being caught in the middle of sibling/parents' issues, and feeling all the stress/guilt/frustration/anger/sadness that can go along with it. My little brother used to partake in weed/alcohol/other drugs with his friends all the time, and smoking pot was pretty constant for him. My parents found out about it, and went through periods of drug testing him regularly, grounding him, taking away his car/phone/etc. He went through out-patient, then in-patient rehab, then a half-way house/sober house for over a year. While they got him to clean up (not that he was that bad off, truly, but he did need a bit of a kick in the a**), the whole thing put a lot of stress on their relationship. I've tried to be a somewhat cool older sister when I'm at home, so I covered his *kitten* sometimes when he would have gotten caught, and tried not to judge him for his decisions. I've hoped it would mean we could stay close like when we were kids, and he would feel like he could talk to me about his issues if he needed to. I'm not always sure if it's worked...

Long story short, I've tried to maintain the not-totally-a-narc of a sister role, but at the same time my parents have tried to use me to try to nudge him in the "right" direction as well. It's stressful, and frustrating, but you can't force people to change their ways unless they want to, and sometimes the path takes years to change direction. The best you can try to do is to be open with how it affects you, why you're doing what you do, and hope he understands. His big step-sis probably won't be his reason to stop throwing big parties or using whatever he uses, but maybe you'll be able to find a way to compromise where it won't be such a stressor for you.

Whatever happens, the point of my rambling story was that I understand, and that's a hard situation, and you can get through it! You are absolutely not a terrible person, you're just someone confronted with a difficult dilemma with no easy answer. At least you're trying. Go you!

HollisGrant · March 2014

Never live with family unless they are disabled and you are taking care of them. Never live with irresponsible family. You can't change them and will get sucked into dealing with their lifestyle. They will drive you crazy.

"In my stepbrother's bathroom is a set of weigh scales, a basket full of lighters, and a large bong. Usually there is pot under the sink. But essentially, it's set up like a POT STATION in his bathroom, where he smokes it in the house. I'm allergic... my parents don't want him too... but "there's a bathroom fan... so it's ok" (?) "

Editing this to add that your dad and step-mom know he does dope in their house. I wouldn't waste my time trying to talk to them about legal issues. They are adults plus they have different values and the son is their baby. Plus they own the house. You have no power. I would keep my distance from the whole thing unless you want a huge rift. I would get another job if I had to do that, move out immediately, even into a tiny rented room where I could control my own fate, and go to college part-time. Good luck.

sentaruu · March 2014

your best bet is to try to get into your own place again. get out of that situation if at all possible. you should probably talk to your parents about establishing rules for the home. you need to make them realize that his actions have a direct impact on the rest of the household, and any illegal activities he may be involved in could eventually get you and your parents into a lot of trouble.

otherwise he sounds like your typical angsty teenager. problems with authority, lack of respect for other people.. if it were me, I would have had the cops cart him out of there.

skrlec70 · March 2014

I would have called my parents and then yes the police, and sang like a bird, I would have lost it on him and his friends much like you did , probably worse, don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing , your actions unbeknownst to you , you may have , probably did prevent something even worse from happening. I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, think of what could have happened if you hadn't have done what you did, they would have continued drinking and smoking , drinking more and more until someone maybe you never know could have died from alcohol poisoning, again you did the right thing, I wont tell you how to feel or tell you to stop feeling a certain way, however I will say this, feel what you feel and let it go.
your brother did this to himself, you did nothing wrong.
he needs to be held accountable for his own actions.
if he didn't do what he did, if he was more responsible his actions would not have led to your reaction.
Good Job ! and don't stop being you.
itll pass and yes he will thank you one day, after the little piss-ant is done being angry.

melodymedlin · March 2014

First off Take a deep breath!!! You did the right thing. Sometimes it takes one person to stand up to what should and shouldn't be done while the parents are away. I think you did fine. I know how after the fact he made you feel like you were in the wrong but you need to think about the fact he's 18 and he knows "it all" LOL Grab a snack (not a whole bag of chips) a cup of coffee and know that you've got this!!!!!!!!! Message me if you need to talk.
P.s. Family makes you feel guilty as a means to know you hurt their feelings.

amy_kee · March 2014

I agree with skrlec and Melody SO MUCH! You did the right thing in calling in the police. Your brother's actions are so wrong, and illegal and it needs to be dealt with before he and or some of his friends get seriously hurt. You are right to monitor this behavior when you are there. That's what you should be doing as the only adult there. The kids and your brother only want to get high and get a strong buzz on. That's all that matters to them. They aren't caring about their welfare or the endless number of things that could go wrong--like people getting raped there and accidents there or else where after they leave. These are great concerns and you should call the cops each time he has the stupidity to throw one of these under age parties. Next time you call, please tell the police about all the pot "stuff" there and explain how this has been an on going problem. You will never know who you ended up helping when you call. Trust in yourself and know you are doing the right thing.

Aviendha_RJ · March 2014

Thanks so much guys for your advice and your opinions.

I've talked to another police officer who said "cover thyne own *kitten* first". He said if something had happened I could have been sued by parents, or arrested & charged for negligence. Which means I will basically never be able to get a job again. Or cross the border into the USA for 5 years because it would be drug/alcohol related.

I just felt like... tossing him in the back of a cruiser would have been TOO far, you know? I had a uniformed officer tell him he does NOT have the right to throw a party like that & force me against my will to be responsible for these kids.

I don't know if my stepmom said it was ok, or what... I haven't heard from my parents yet. I don't even know if they know yet. But I just feel like... if that were MY drunk 17-year-old daughter on a couch in someone else's house being pawed at by a drunk teenage boy... I would have wanted an adult to break up the party.

I'm still really worried about the consequences to my family. I want out of here SO BADLY. I don't really know what to do. I've tried to get another job. I really have. But I may have to search a helluva lot harder.

CreekFisher · March 2014

I agree, it's a tough spot with no good answers and what you chose to do was the best choice at that time.
I have only one suggestion. The next time, get yourself a hotel room. I'd even tell Dad that I didn't want to be responsible for him, that it's bad for bro-sis relationship for me to be the weekend parent.
Even w/o the parties, I can attest to how playing parent ruins your relationship, for life. I'm 71 and my younger sister and I can still tolerate each other for only a few days, no more. For 6yrs I cooked, cleaned and disciplined her 3-5d/wk while our parents were going through their mid-life crises and I was trying to be a teenager. None of it worked very well.
Out is good, when you can manage it. Until then, make sure they know you're not a surrogate parent.

_Terrapin_ · March 2014

Alright... sizeable rant... but I really need advice. This is the short version of what I'm dealing with:

I'm 31... had a house, relationship, career... decided that two out of 3 were toxic... sold the house, dumped the career, went back to school. Relationship broke down (turns out it was toxic too), & I moved in with my Dad & Stepmom, & my 18-year-old stepbrother.

Tonight, for the second time, my stepbrother invited 8 friends over for a night of underage drinking, & pot smoking while our parents are in North Carolina. The last time, I asked him to keep it down... then after the party was over, I flipped out on him.

CONTEXT: I'm in Ontario, where the legal age to drink is 19. The law says that the homeowner, and any individual residing in a home over the age of 19 (together) are responsible if minors drink on the premises. Basically, if one of them gets hurt/alcohol poisoning/drives drunk etc. *I* am the one who can get sued/charged with Criminal Negligence for not monitoring the situation. Pot is also "decriminalized" but not "legalized"... so it is personal use only.

In my stepbrother's bathroom is a set of weigh scales, a basket full of lighters, and a large bong. Usually there is pot under the sink. But essentially, it's set up like a POT STATION in his bathroom, where he smokes it in the house. I'm allergic... my parents don't want him too... but "there's a bathroom fan... so it's ok" (?)

So tonight... day after the parents leave... he throws this party. I don't know these kids... I tried to be "cool"... but I noticed around 1:00am that a boy & a girl locked themselves in my bathroom. Alone. With the lights off. For. Ten. Minutes. I had a friend who was raped at a party doing that when she was 18. By her boyfriend---of six years---that she had known since childhood.

Ok... my blood pressure is a MAX... my heart is racing... I asked my stepbrother to shut the party down.

2:30... music is off... party is on. I went downstairs & asked him to shut it down again. I told him he was done. I work at 8:30 in the morning. He mouthed off at me, told me it's not my business, not my responsibility, not my problem, not my decision. I told him the law says otherwise... & that he needs to shut it down. He disagreed.

So I called 911... right in front of him. And listened to him rant about how I've "ruined the family" how I'm crazy, a terrible human being... I'm a b!tch, my stepsister would "call shame on me"...etc. etc. Then I went upstairs & waited for the police. A cab came... I called the kids to leave in it... they didn't. Police showed up... I asked him to explain that a) Dylan can't have a party like this until he's 19... b) I'm responsible for the house party being over 19, & c) he's done, he has to clear it out. Well. Dylan HID from the officer... I had to find him.

The officer told him everything... seemed professional... detached... bit bored. It's now 3am & he's in a College town dealing with more drunk kids. After he left; his response was "my stepsister's a joke... the cop didn't even want to BE here... he knows it was a joke... this is ridiculous... mom is going to throw her out on her @ss"... etc. etc. etc. He's never been held responsible for ANYTHING & what I wanted was a warning; which I got. I could have had him in bracelets in the back of the cruiser if I'd told him about the bathroom.

Nevertheless.... Now I feel like a terrible human being. I feel guilty. I covered my butt... made sure that if anything happens, the liability does NOT fall on me... & I let the mouthy little jerk know I mean business & he can't push me around.

If you were in the same situation, *what would you do*? Right now, I WANT TO EAT THE WORLD... I'm tired... I'm cranky... I have about an hour left to sleep before I have to be up for work... & a WEEK to wait until the parents get home.

TL;DR but if you want to eat the world, get a bigger spoon. Best of luck OP.

jbloomfj · March 2014

You certainly made the right decision. It takes courage to stand up and make the right decision under those circumstances. I admire your integrity for standing up for your convictions. It is more than covering your *kitten* as you have shown your concern for the more vulnerable guests.

I am sure that your parents are most likely aware of his behavior but most likely choose to turn a blind eye to his activities. I hope all works out well for. Stay strong.

HollisGrant · March 2014

I'm still really worried about the consequences to my family. I want out of here SO BADLY. I don't really know what to do. I've tried to get another job. I really have. But I may have to search a helluva lot harder.

Many years ago I was in your shoes with a family member. Huge mistake on my part to sub-lease from her. I strongly urge you to protect yourself, stay outwardly calm, and immediately look for another place. Some colleges have a list that goes out over the internet with places to rent or people who are looking for roommates or renters. Maybe you could post an ad that you would like a low-cost efficiency or something like that.

Aviendha_RJ · March 2014

I still haven't heard from anyone... stepbrother is in his room... I think he has a friend over still, I don't know & I don't care to be honest. There's been heavy pot smell coming from his room that my scented candles can't quite kill.

I'm making dinner... wondering if that will draw him out. But then again, I don't so much care if he eats or starves at the moment.

But my parents are still silent. No news at all from them. Not even a "we'll deal with it when we get home" message. Nothing. It's kind of rubbing my nerves raw.

HollisGrant · March 2014

A few additional thoughts. Of course, I don't know your family and this might be totally off base.

Your parents are likely to treat the son in the same way they have in the past. They probably won't confront him since they've allowed pot in the house all along. If they don't care about that, they're probably lax about other things.

The stepmom will probably side with her son and defend him no matter what because that's what most mothers do. If that happens, it might put your dad in the middle between you and her.

People sometimes react according to emotion, territory, family loyalty, etc., and not reason. I'm rooting for you to find your own place soon and some peace of mind.

Bounce4 · March 2014

deep breath. You did the right thing. Do it again if he has another party. Evict it from your head now. He isn't spending one second worrying about it. You shouldn't be either. Don't do his worrying for him.

I'd also do any combination of jobs I needed to do to afford a place of my own. I have decent family but I'd do anything not to have to live with them, lol.

xmichaelyx · March 2014

I'ts not your house, it's not your kid, and cops never care about anything unless either a) you're rich, or b) there's a dead body.

Either move out or get some headphones to drown out the parties.

Aviendha_RJ · March 2014

Update:

Head from my parents... they're PISSED that Dylan threw a party while they were out of the country.

They're PISSED that I TOLD THEM WHAT HAPPENED.

I'm sorry... what? Would not a "REASONABLE PERSON" (taking this fictitious person from my law textbook) want to know if the police were called to their home and why?

Did I MISS something?

STRESSED... Support/Advice PLEASE!!

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