Just starting out...again.

I'm just starting on my fitness journey, but I know I already hate it. I hate not being able to eat what I want. I love food in the sense of flavor and textures. I enjoy my meals, though I have cut down my portion size considerably over the past year or so.
My problem with food is that I'm hungry and usually late at night. I don't eat my negative feelings, it's a true feeling of hungry. I don't typically eat breakfast because I'm not hungry in the morning. It's hard to force yourself to eat if you're not hungry. Even if I don't eat anything after, say 9 the previous evening, I'm still not hungry in the morning. So I usually don't eat until lunch. I'm still not a big lunch eater. I'll have a bagel with cream cheese, or a deli sandwich, or something small.
I am a snacker, but I'm pretty good at keeping it to fruit or a yogurt, granola, etc. Dinner usually catches me though. I typically cook from scratch and I have a husband with a physically demanding job, and two growing kids. So I like to feed them well and believe that good home-cooked meals are great all around. I make sure we have all the food groups represented in the best proportions I can. We've cut down our red meat intake to about once a week or less. We eat more chicken and pork, sometimes turkey. I know that all around, we eat pretty good. We usually have dinner around 5 or 6. But when 10 hits, I'm hungry again. Another meal hungry. Junk food hungry. I don't normally keep bad junk food in the house, but I'm also an amazing cook and I think kids should be able to have nice little treats every now and then. But I know, even as I shove it in my mouth, that cream cheese dip and fruit does not really count as healthy.
My most beloved food, and it will never change, is bread and pasta. I know, I know, carbs - BAD! But I can't help myself. Mostly, though, it's bagels. I love bagels. If I could've married a baker, I would have. It's one reason I don't bake anymore. I can't keep my hands out of the cookie jar, or in my case, the bread box. I don't know where it comes from, but a nice bagel, freshly baked, with just a thin layer of cream cheese is heaven. And I never feel guilty about it.
Now, apparently, I have between 8- and 10,000 extra heartbeats in a day. I don't feel it, which the doctor thought was weird. So she says to me, "You're way overweight, drink too much caffeine, smoke, and are lazy." (her exact words, by the way.) Now, yes, I am 5'4" and 170lbs, which is waaaaaay off from what I used to be and I admit that I am overweight. I don't drink as much caffeine as I used to. I used to drink nothing but Coca-Cola, in fact I'm pretty sure I was addicted to it. Now I drink iced tea or water, but she says any caffeine is too much. Well, to heck with that, 32oz of tea a day isn't going to hurt me as much as almost 2-2 liters worth of Coke every day. I do currently smoke, but in short, it's hard to quit when my husband is another all talk and no follow-through. He smokes, says he wants to quit, but doesn't even try. It's difficult to quit when there's another smoker in the house. But I'm slowly getting there. And yes, of course, I'm lazy. Or something.
That's actually why I'm here. I'm not sure if it's really laziness or there really is something wrong with me. My thyroid, blood pressure, cholesterol, etc - all good. I'm otherwise healthy, minus the smoking and overweightness. But there MUST be something wrong with me. I WANT to exercise. I WANT to feel good and lose weight to fit into my not-mom jeans. I'm prepared to sweat it out and run it off. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. WHY!?!?! I prefer to exercise, the actual activity, alone. I don't like people watching my body bounce and I don't like being judged. Planet Fitness can say what they want, but people are people and they're going to judge. I tried Debbie Siebers slim in 6, but I felt like a total mom and it was boring. Running kills my knees and I've ALWAYS hated it (even as a kid). But this is more than just exercise.
My husband and kids want to go for a bike ride and just the thought of it makes me want to be Mrs. Van Winkle. I can't explain it any more than that. I go to bed the night before and I think, "I'm gonna do it. I'm just going to get up, get the kids on the bus and then I'll do it." But I get up, get the kids on the bus, and then I really don't feel like it. I usually find some dumb excuse like, my body hurts, or I'm tired, or I'm sure I have something to clean or something more important. It feels like there's a piece to my puzzle that I'm missing, but I just can't figure out what. I WANT it. I want to be thin and nice looking for, not just myself, but my husband too. I put a picture of myself that's about 6 months after I had my second child to help motivate me. I was thin and pretty. That was also 7 years ago.

If you've made it this far, I appreciate it. If you have any REALISTIC suggestions, I also appreciate it. Keep in mind, I can't afford a personal trainer, I won't go to a gym, and I don't like people watching me. My carrot must be out there somewhere. PLEASE help me find it.

Lizzie