Am I a SELFISH person, need OPINIONS please!!!
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No You are not selfish. I think you are brave and deserve to be your own person. You do not have to be the keeper of your family. I was in your position and in a lot of ways still am. Keep going and do not let them guilt or play games to keep you their keeper0
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ummm.... in a nutshell, you may be selfish (which isn't always a bad thing- in this case it's definitely not a bad thing) but you are doing absolutely the right thing.
Your father and sister are presumably over 18 YO - unless they have some kind of developmental handicap that precludes them from getting up and ready on time, you are not responsible for waking them, pouring their coffee, or changing their diapers. oh wait, you didn't say diapers, i just assumed that they were infants...
so seriously - you went to the gym and didn't wake them up and ... they didn't really care. so what does that tell you?
I don't know much about eating disorders but i applaud you for getting yourself on the healthy track. focus your energies on you and not on others.0 -
They are adults, you are not their mommy, I have less trouble then this getting my kids ready for school. Getting them moving is not your responsibility, you were nice enough to try and support them and in return they made it harder for you to take care of yourself
Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. Encourage them and leave it at that. Put some coffee on for your dad before you leave and when you see them going to or returning from the gym say good for you. Do what you need to do to get right with yourself, and nevermind them.
This is exactly what I was going to say. They are grown adults and what they choose to do is on them. That being said, if I were you I would pay for my own gym membership so that it would not be held over my head that they are flipping the bill and think you should reciprocate by doing them favors and carting them around.0 -
I don't think that you are being selfish...honestly if anything your family is being selfish by seemingly trying to hold you back. Just my opinion.
^^this0 -
Part of being grown is knowing what battles to fight and which ones to just drop.
I don't know exactly why you all *need* to go to the gym together, but as they are all grown adults, you tell them what time you are leaving and then you leave at that time. If they get upset just tell them "I told you when I was leaving and you weren't ready."
You are not their mother so stop acting like it. You teach people what they can get away with by enabling them. Stop it.0 -
No you are not selfish, do what you need to do for yourself. Your dad and sister are adults and it didn't really seem to affect them that you went on your own so don't let it bother you. If it does bother you explain to them that you are responsible for yourself, if they want to join you at the gym they are welcome but they will have to be ready to go when you are. Obviously they have a way to get there so don't let it bother you. Your mother wanting you to take them may be because she has seen you be successful with your weight loss and sees that you are dedicated and disciplined in regards to your workouts - she may think you will inspire them to do well also. But their journey isn't yours - stay on track and do what you need to do. Good luck OP. :flowerforyou:0
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******* I'm actually 20.
Well, this does change my online opinion.
But to play devil's advocate, since your mom purchased your gym membership for you to essentially take your sis and dad, you may need to hold your end of the deal.
But I would just talk to them outright. All of them, mom included. You should tell on your dad and sister to your mom since she's paying for the membership. Let everyone know you will be leaving at XX time and will not wait….or be fixing anyone else's breakfast or waking them up.0 -
I thought you were going to say that your family called you selfish for leaving them behind.
They didn't, so why are you feeling like you might be selfish? It's good to reflect on our behaviors (in fact, more people should do so), but not if it becomes self-destructive because we blame ourselves for every little thing. Ask yourself, "Am I being selfish for wanting some time to myself, for wanting to focus that time on becoming healthier? For not being responsible for getting up my FATHER and sister to go to the gym?" A reasonable answer to that is no.
Maybe you feel a little more selfish about it because your mom has paid for your membership, but again, you didn't say that she has said anything to you about it. I don't know your family history, but from the tiny bit you said, she may have paid for it as much as for herself as for you (and it sounds like she GAVE you your membership, then later your dad and sister joined and suddenly you have to take them with you?). You don't need to feel guilty about a gift that was given to you, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty when they give you a gift. My mother does that, and I've come to a point in my life where I would rather not accept anything from her because it almost always has strings attached.
You're still growing up. Like I said, it's good to reflect on ourselves and our behaviors and choices, but try to maintain a reasonable perspective.0 -
No. Don't feel selfish. You're 20 years old. It's perfectly fine to start doing things for your life without regards to the rest of your family. I, on the other hand, have the complete opposite problem. My overweight family REFUSES to go to the gym with me. Once I did get my mom to go but I couldn't really get anything done. I LOVE going to the gym alone. It's one of the only things in the world I love to do alone. Anyway, bottom line, their health isn't really your responsibility. They're grown adults and they should be happy that you care so much about them. You should have a heartfelt talk with them and let them know what you're feeling. Good luck!0
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Yeah...being 20 vs 26 definitely changes it up.
However please think of yourself and your mental & physical wellbeing when the time comes to move out. I have seen so many people who stay at home because it's easier, it's comfortable, they don't want to offend their parents, etc.
I do understand that certain families have a cultural tendency to "stick together" for much longer than what is the norm in my own family (& rather affordable location) where it's fine to move out at 18 if you can, or wait 'til after college, but not normal/ok to stay with your parents after you have completed your studies. However, I think in some situations moving out (even if your family frowns upon it) can be ABSOLUTELY necessary for health & happiness even if it angers some or strikes them as odd.
But I get it - you're 20. So I agree with others...your family members are responsible for their own health. Period.0 -
Tell them both that you're leaving for the gym at 4:45 or whatever time you're ready to leave and actually leave at that time. They will either be ready to go or not.
If they are, then they go with you. If they're not, then leave without them.
This
Like everyone else said. You're not being selfish. They expect you to push them and pull them and drag them kicking and screaming to the gym so they can get the results you're getting.
If you wake them up and tell them you're leaving, you're giving them a fighting chance. Plus, they're in charge of their own choices because they know your boundary (you're leaving at [time] period).0 -
My opinion?
Tell them both that you're leaving for the gym at 4:45 or whatever time you're ready to leave and actually leave at that time. They will either be ready to go or not.
If they are, then they go with you. If they're not, then leave without them.
After a few days of this, they will get the hint.
You are not their parents. They are not your responsibility.
You do not need to 'make their breakfast'. You do not need to 'wake them up'.
All you are doing is making it easier for them to not have to take responsibility for their own actions.
The only person you are responsible for is you.
THIS!!!!!!!!!0 -
I read your title as "I am a SHELLFISH person." It was very intriguing. But after reading your post, you are not a shellfish or a selfish person. These are adults you are dealing with. They are perfectly capable of getting themselves up. I would tell them the evening before, "I am leaving at (x time), if you are not in my car, you will be left." And then do it.
You are not responsible for anyone else's failures or successes, they are. You do you, let them do them.0 -
It sounds like your mom is wanting you to help motivate your sister and dad to be healthier. Which is great, if you can do it without compromising your own motivation and progress. But ultimately it's not your responsibility to get them to go to the gym. I'm sure your mom means well, but she can't put that on you.
It's not selfish to focus on your own health and fitness first. I think you should keep doing what you're doing and if your mom gives you a hard time, explain to her that you do better when you work out alone and going as a family wasn't working for you. You can motivate your sister and dad by example. If they are going to get healthy they need to make the choice to do it for themselves, which isn't going to happen if you are dragging them there everyday.0 -
I really cannot thank you guys enough, appreciate it!
So I did speak to them today, they asked me while I was food prepping for tommorow, and I just told them it is too stressful on me and I'm tired of the way they act. For those of you who recommended setting a time, I've tried many many times but its always "wait I'm ready to go" but then we end up leaving 15+ minutes later. They're okay with it for now, but I'm just going to keep doing it because it works and I like it.
The reason I thought I was being selfish (lol@ shellfish) was because they did pay for the membership (which I could.might pay for myself, but it also wasn't my idea anyway, my mom thought I "needed" to lose weight) but also because I really do love my dad a lot and really care for him. You guys already mentioned it too, but despite how they act they are still my family. I felt a little bit like I was not caring about anyone else when I could help them, but I'm not going to right now because it's holding me back from my own goals.
Maybe in the future we can go together, maybe when I'm at least maintaining my weight, but definitely not now! Thank you!0 -
Hey girl… you gotta do you. I don't think you're selfish at all. If anything you have been very unselfish up to this point by putting up with their crap. I sure as heck wouldn't have! The only person that cares about your health is YOU. So don't let anyone or anything stand in your way…. not your lazy family… not the lack of a gym… not a friend offering you cake….
in my opinion, you made a great choice, and you're setting the example by taking charge of your life. When you help dependent people, on some level you are just an enabler.0 -
My opinion?
Tell them both that you're leaving for the gym at 4:45 or whatever time you're ready to leave and actually leave at that time. They will either be ready to go or not.
If they are, then they go with you. If they're not, then leave without them.
After a few days of this, they will get the hint.
The only person you are responsible for is you.
This. This is what I tell parents to do with their teenage kids. So this is what I'm telling you to do with your adult family. They learn, they take responsibility or they don't. BUT make sure you communicate this with them so they understand what you are doing. Remind them how much they get out of the gym when they are there and that you love them and want them to be healthy, but that THEY need to take responsibility for that. You are doing what you need to for YOU.0 -
You are not selfish dear, your family is. They should be getting themselves up. They should be getting their own breakfast, they should be getting themselves ready to go to the gym at the allotted time. They sound like teenagers rather than parents.
But then I have the same thing at home. Negative comments from my wife, she is never ready when she should be. Doesn't do anything she is supposed to. I cycle every day, I go to the gym (when she doesn't sabotage me by ringing me at work half an hour before I am supposed to go and telling me I absolutely NEED to get home ASAP......only to discover when I get home that I don't grrr)
Do what you want. Do what makes you happy. They can sort themselves !!0 -
You are 26 years old. Move out.
+1
+4000
That's a good solution in theory, but sometimes it's not an option. Depending on where OP lives, apartments/housing can be EXTREMELY expensive. This combined with other things (she may be in university. have health issues, etc) can prevent somebody from being able to pick up and leave.
THANK YOU. I was starting to get real annoyed with these comments. I don't think people truly understand how much it costs for a 20-something to move out on their own. It's near impossible unless you're working a job that's double or triple minimum wage, which isn't often the case for someone fresh out of school.
Beyond that, I still think it's ridiculous for it to be expected that you will wake them up, feed them, and take them to the gym. I don't see what the problem is with you going to the gym alone & them going on their own time. & maybe I missed it, but where is mom in all of this? Why are you forced to take your dad & sister [per mom's orders] while mom... what? Sleeps in? Doesn't go to the gym? She thinks she's exempt? It's okay for her to tell everyone else in the family that they're unhealthy & need to workout, but that doesn't apply to her? That just seems a little obnoxious.0 -
tell them that you'll take them with you to the gym, but waking up on time, actually getting out of bed, making and eating breakfast is their responsibility because you're not their mum and they're not children. Give them a time that they have to be ready by and say you'll leave with or without them at this time.
My 7 yr old gets her own breakfast, sometimes helps to prepare her packed lunch and gets herself dressed and ready in the mornings. She knows if she's not ready when I say it's time to go, that she'll be the one in trouble for being late as her school starts earlier than my work. Sometimes she has to be nagged, but then she is only 7. Seriously, I would expect a lot more of adults than I do of a 7 yr old.0 -
Nope you're not selfish! you need to focus on yourself! if your familly is holding you back you can't just stay behind with them!
As others have said, they are adults, they can go if they want! you should just focus on yourself. if they tell you they don't like your attitude you can just explain the way you did on this forum! good luck!
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I don't think you need to move out.
I do think you need to assert your independence, and stop their co- dependence on you.
Just be respectful and do your own thing. Let them do theirs.
It's nice that you care but don't become a doormat.0 -
You can only change yourself, not anyone else. You are responsible for you, they are responsible for themselves.0
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You are in a ticklish spot. You are their daughter and they are helping you in many ways financially right? however, you need to learn to manage them. Other wise they will not be the only ones to abuse your good nature.
Not sure what will work the best. Really, they need to know that you will be leaving for the gym and _ X time and are happy to drive if they are in the car. Period.
IF they will berate you and make you feel bad if you stop coddling them (which enables this behavior). You may find yourself in a big drama fight. How much longer can you put up with this? How much longer do you need to live there? It is a wonderful thing for your family to go to the gym together but it needs to be tweeked. It is hard to believe they got this far, Two or more children, a home and a gym membership, without being able to get themselves up, dressed and fed.
If you are mad enough, you can suggest family counseling. If you are just tired, maybe it is not worth the fight.
I always like the concept of natural consequences. You did not get up, you missed going to the gym with me.
Since your first excellent tactic, telling them when the bus leaves has not worked since they say they are ready etc... go on line and find some motivational videos for them to watch. I love Zig Ziglar on u-tube. He is fun and kind and inspiring.
It is your family and remember that you love them.
Good luck.0 -
Tell them you refuse to be their babysitter anymore. And stop. If it's important to them, they'd go without you doing everything for them.0
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When it comes to losing weight and getting fit I think that there is a point you reach where you have to be a little selfish. You are not (as many have already stated) their parent. It is not your responsibility to make sure that they get up, eat breakfast and are in the car with you when you leave. If you are going to the gym that early (kudos to you, I can't get motivated to do anything before I leave for work at 7am but then our gyms aren't open until about 8 anyway) then either they are motivated to get ready on their own terms and ready to go when you do or they miss out and make their own way there.
If you can afford to move out and get some semblance of independence then go for it, but if you can't then you just need to tell them that you aren't responsible for getting them fit and if it is something they want to do then they will either make the effort or they will just stop doing it altogether, but that is NOT down to you. I think the saying is 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink', in this case that is very true; you can tell your family that you are willing to give them a lift but you can't force them to get up and ready to get said lift...0 -
I am wondering why are you choosing their breakfast for them? Granted, it has worked wonders for you, but you're 20, they're not. As people age nutrition requirements change with them. I know that it is better than nothing, but they should be choosing their meals. You've been setting plenty examples of a good pre-workout meal, and it is time for them to make their decisions on that. Food is a major component of becoming healthy, as you know. But a person has to learn what helps them or what doesn't. I love protein shakes, but frankly, I'll be starving pretty quickly as they do nothing to satiate me making them a poor choice for meal replacement for me (even the /really/ calorie dense ones).
A gazillion people have said that you are not selfish and you are not. I was living at home in my early 30's to take care of my family. Focusing so much on them and not me led me into a really unique road that has come with hard lessons on both sides. My family had to go back to figuring things out before I came along in the world, and I had to figure out how to actually take care of myself and all of my health issues. Take time for yourself and do what you need to do for you or it will break you down completely. It's easy to lose sight of ourselves when we're always focusing on a "them."0 -
tell them that you'll take them with you to the gym, but waking up on time, actually getting out of bed, making and eating breakfast is their responsibility because you're not their mum and they're not children. Give them a time that they have to be ready by and say you'll leave with or without them at this time.
My 7 yr old gets her own breakfast, sometimes helps to prepare her packed lunch and gets herself dressed and ready in the mornings. She knows if she's not ready when I say it's time to go, that she'll be the one in trouble for being late as her school starts earlier than my work. Sometimes she has to be nagged, but then she is only 7. Seriously, I would expect a lot more of adults than I do of a 7 yr old.
Exactly
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I don't think you need to move out.
I do think you need to assert your independence, and stop their co- dependence on you.
Just be respectful and do your own thing. Let them do theirs.
It's nice that you care but don't become a doormat.
This.
I empathize with you, though. I know how hard it can be, especially when you're just learning to assert your independence as an adult and take responsibility for your own life. It is a process. Learning to set new boundaries around old relationships can be challenging and painful for everyone, especially when breaking a codependent cycle.
Here's the thing: You are entering adulthood and now you get to create and choose! Choose your identity. Your Standards of Integrity. Your health and wellness. Scars tell where you've been, but they don't have to determine where you are going. I say that because you mention the names they've called you.
Set your boundaries and stick with them. Love your family where they are. (And remember that love doesn't equal doormat.)0
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