Hello big new world

Hi! I've had this account for a little while now, but haven't used it. Recently I started sessions with a life coach who has urged me to be real, raw and open to help with my journey, she also challenged me to start logging daily. So here I am, not because she has told me to do this, but because I WANT AND NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME.

Anyway, I'm looking for very motivated people to be my MFP friend and I figure a good way to know what I've been through, who I am and what I want is to tell you about myself. So, when you go to add me, please do the same.

Long post starting now.

This is very hard for me to write or even talk about, but I do want to be completely raw and honest with you as I feel that for me to grow I need to be. I, like many others, want no need to get healthy. Here is a snippet of what I wrote on my fitness page recently: 'I've been struggling a lot lately, I know it doesn't seem like it as I'm always posting positive messages or you see healthy food. But, being those closed doors it's a different game. I beat myself up regularly. Talk down. Criticize. This is not how I want to live my life at all. I'll be 25 this week, I feel like my life is slipping me by at the speed of light. I feel as though some of the best years of my my life are wasted. That I'm not living life to the fullest or at all.'

And...here is my back story

This is a very condensed version, if you would like to know more about a part, please let me know.

I wasn't wanted before I was born. My biological mother was a drug addict, alcohol abuser and had an affair. When she found out she was pregnant with me, she immediately wanted an abortion. It happened to be too late in the pregnancy and there was no doctor that would do it. My biological father didn't find out about me until I was 20, and though I've tried to have a relationship with both...it just hasn't really happened. My bio mom moved back in with my middle half sister's father and wanted to make a family with him and her two girls (my half sister's). Not with me. She tried to find an adoption agency when her step sister came forward and said she would take me. When I was born, early my new family was present. My bio mom never held me or looked at me.

I was taken home to what seemed like a loving family on the outside, they had 3 other girls they adopted as well and (I'm told they were foster parents, I am still not sure if this is true). They had custody over me until I was 12. Growing up, I had everything material and need wise I ever needed. But there was a dark side to my adoptive mom. I was mentally and emotionally abused. Controlled down to every little detail of my life. I was scared out of my wits that if I was a bad girl I would be sent back to my bio mom, who she made out to hate me and be a horrible person. I was so confused, I would see my bio mom and half sister's once a year and they seemed to be such a happy family. I didn't understand why they didn't want me. When I was 12, I received a letter from my bio mom telling me everything that was wrong with me and how she despised me for ruining her life. Come to find out later, my adoptive mother actually wrote it. I was scared from that letter and coerced into saying I wanted them to be my parents. They adopted me legally when I was 12. As I got older, I started realizing things about my adoptive mother. She is a pathological liar, manipulator and control freak amongst a million other things. But, even though I loved and adored my adoptive father, he was no better. Just a puppet on a string. They were always fighting and my adoptive mother actually made him cheat on her. She literally set it up and i was a witness to all of this. Then she used it against him. He left for awhile and she told me it was because if me. I didn't understand. This continued on and on.

Fast forward to senior year, I met Tim (my now fiance). He was amazing, the type of boy that a girls parents would dream about. A gentleman. I fell hard and fast and so did he. He was my first and only boyfriend. I introduced him to my parents and everything seemed to be going okay, to my surprise. I had to ask permission to be able to go out on a date 2 weeks in advance and could not be out later then 8 PM. We graduated and enjoyed a summer together. He moved to Chicago (I'm originally from Michigan) to pursue a film degree, we wrote and had supervised calls. I started community college even though I wanted to go away for nursing school. They convinced me I couldn't make it so I stayed home and went to the community college. That winter, the letters stopped and my parents said that he called and said he met someone new. I was heartbroken and devastated. I fell into a very deep depression. A few months later I found out my mother actually emailed him a break up letter pretending to be me. Once I found out I found a pay phone and called him. I had to explain and I needed to know how he felt. It turned out when he got 'my email' He was shocked and heart broken as well. There never was another girl or a call to my parents. We started seeing each other again when he would come home, secretly. I started sneaking out and hiding things. He was there for me for everything and we would talk for hours. He didn't push, but he knew I needed to get out of that house. My parents found out about 6 months after we started seeing each other again, and of course were pissed.

When I was almost 21 I finally moved out, I had had enough. I stopped talking to them for about 6 months then foolishly I let them back into my life, they still continued to try and control my life. That was it, enough is enough. I moved to Chicago to live with Tim. That year, while walking home late from work, I was brutally raped. The attacker was never found, but I still have scars emotionally and physically. Tim was heart broken that this happened to me, thought it was his fault for a very long time, but instead of us becoming distant due to another tragic event in our relationship we became even more united. My parents have never come to see me in the 4 years I've been out of the house. I'm still trying to find a good balance with them. Two years later we moved to L.A. and two years later here I am.

I am now a Private Duty Nurse with a lady in Beverly Hills, I am planning on getting my EMT or possibly Paramedic and be an Emergency Room Tech to put me through school to become an RN. I am happily planning my wedding and all the details of it. I'm very outgoing, but at times it's just a mall I put on and have been putting on for my whole life.

Throughout my childhood and adult life I steadily gained weight and tried to lose it. Never losing more than 10# then gain it and more back. Throughout this journey I'm going to find the real me hiding inside and cultivate her to bring her back to life. That once wide eyed curious little girl will again be able to bloom and enjoy life.

I struggle daily to see my worth, to see I'm wanted because there is really only one person in my life but I want so many more.

That's me in a nutshell and what I've been through, I am looking forward to getting to know you all on a deeper level and connecting with you!

If you've came this far, you are a real trooper, thanks for listening