Dating during/ after weight loss

MacroMiranda · April 2014

I've been faced this week with experiences I've never really gone through before- attention from guys. Like flirting and phone number swapping! I've been staying in a lot lately since I started losing weight, partially because of self confidence issues, and also because it's a lot easier to stay under goal when not drinking. This week I went out and got attention like I've never seen before! As awful as this sounds, it was super exciting to get age appropriate advances (I used to get attention from much older men) and guys that are really more my type. Before, probably another self confidence issue, but I usually attributed what sparse attention I'd get to men preying on someone they could tell had confidence issues because of my size.
I'm 24 years old and have been in a couple longer term relationships, but have never really "dated". I have a date later on this week and am really excited! I'm really nervous too, though... I found myself combing through my Facebook page to untag unflattering "fat pics" and delete most of the pictures that showed anything more than my face. I even deleted a few comments on a recent picture where a friend (with good intentions) made a really big deal about emphasizing the amount of weight I lost... I don't want new people to know me like that. Especially a potential suitor!
While I'm very proud of my weight loss accomplishments so far, I'm also embarrassed. I'm really embarrassed of the girl who weighed 235 pounds and had zero confidence. Let herself get walked over and never stood up for herself. That let herself get to that point. The question I've been getting to, is it okay to move on and not bring that point in my life up? Can I skip mentioning to a date that I've lost 65 pounds, and just present myself as I am now? Am I discrediting everything I've accomplished by acting like it isn't a factor? I already need all the help I can get, and really don't want to get pegged as the fat girl and seen as less attractive because of it.

Thank you for sitting through this rambling... it's all jumbled in my head and probably came out the same way. I'd love to hear any words of advice and experiences you'd be willing to share. Thanks!

kirili3 · April 2014

I think it's fair to say a lot of people do worry about this stuff!

The thing is, you weren't a bad person when you were bigger. You were just heavier. I don't think it's such a healthy thing to want to disown your past. It just sounds like a way to create issues and shame over something that's actually an accomplishment. Also, it's probably better to be around people who don't find someone's previous weight a turnoff. It's just difficult to like people who don't like people for being big, IMHO. It wasn't shameful to be big, and it's not embarrassing for people to know you've lost weight, unless you decide it is that way for you.

dakotababy · April 2014

This...is a really good question! I know for myself, I wrote a goodbye letter to the old me. It was not angry - but compassionate for who I used to be. I was going through somewhat of an identity crisis too...as I felt like "omg I am scared of who I am becoming...I am scared to let go" and so forth.

I probably would not bring it up on the first date...but I would mention it eventually. I think after losing weight, and maintaining - it becomes a part of you and who you are. It also holds your interest in calories, nutrition, exercise, whatever.

Really awesome question, but I think everyone will treat it differently if they want others to know or not. I know an individual I met who was SOOOO active and fit. I actually found him cocky to some degree and slightly arrogant. One day, he told me he used to be over-weight, and my jaw hit the ground...and that inspired me greatly knowing that even the most active people may have had a history of being obese or over-weight. It really is not something negative, but more inspiring...in my eyes.

MacroMiranda · April 2014

I think it's fair to say a lot of people do worry about this stuff!

The thing is, you weren't a bad person when you were bigger. You were just heavier. I don't think it's such a healthy thing to want to disown your past. It just sounds like a way to create issues and shame over something that's actually an accomplishment. Also, it's probably better to be around people who don't find someone's previous weight a turnoff. It's just difficult to like people who don't like people for being big, IMHO. It wasn't shameful to be big, and it's not embarrassing for people to know you've lost weight, unless you decide it is that way for you.

Right, and I would definitely rather be around people who aren't so concerned about weight that they'd lose interest knowing I had a problem with it. On the same hand, I know it would be devastating if I found out that was the case. I guess it's just a risk you take.

You make a really good point in that last sentence, thank you for making me think about it that way.

MacroMiranda · April 2014

This...is a really good question! I know for myself, I wrote a goodbye letter to the old me. It was not angry - but compassionate for who I used to be. I was going through somewhat of an identity crisis too...as I felt like "omg I am scared of who I am becoming...I am scared to let go" and so forth. .

That's a really good idea, I might try that! And I know completely what you're talking about with the identity crisis, it's nice to see it written out and realize that it's something that happens to other people. After being overweight since my early teens, weight has always been my biggest reason to not try, stay on the sidelines, and discredit my value. It's hard to tell if that's going to go away once goal is attained, or just get replaced with a new insecurity.

PunkyRachel · April 2014

I have lost 80lbs so far, over the past 2+ years. I've had my Facebook for 7 years (I'm 29) and have plenty of fat pictures of me on there. I frankly don't care, I was a happy fat chick. I got married right out of high school to my high school sweetheart whom only knew me as overweight and he didn't care so I didn't care. I only had a few guys hit on me over the years when I was overweight. None that I even found attractive and I avoided contact with cause they creep me out and I was taken anyways. lol I tell ya what since I started losing weight I've been getting more attention from guys, some that are even good looking! I was so confused when I got down to a size 14 (from a size 20, currently a 6) and some random guy in a parking lot was all, "How you doing?" and told me I was very pretty and asked if I was single! I was just like "Umm...thanks, but I'm taken" Nothing like that had ever happened before to me, so since I tell my old man everything I told him. He's all "See I told you are sexy" He doesn't get jealous Thank Goodness! Its been more and more while out and about or even on here, random guys who see me post on forums will send flirty messages. I take the compliment, but if they get too nasty/vulgar with me I just block'em and move on with my life.

Anyways I would keep the fat pictures, because it shows your progress and you should be very proud of yourself! Don't be embarrassed. If a guy doesn't like them, then *kitten* them. You deserve better than that!

mjbowman821 · April 2014

I would tell you this if you were my daughter.

You are a woman of INCREDIBLE value. You are not in charge of assigning your value nor is anyone else. You are uniquely made every curve, freckle and scar is yours and yours alone. Like a piece of artisan furniture you are one of a kind and therefore valuable. Understand that and seek a man that values you at your full value as well. Once a man can treat you cheaply then he won't treat you as something valuable. Hold your head high for you are fearlessly and wonderfully made.

GotShellica · April 2014

I would tell you this if you were my daughter.

You are a woman of INCREDIBLE value. You are not in charge of assigning your value nor is anyone else. You are uniquely made every curve, freckle and scar is yours and yours alone. Like a piece of artisan furniture you are one of a kind and therefore valuable. Understand that and seek a man that values you at your full value as well. Once a man can treat you cheaply then he won't treat you as something valuable. Hold your head high for you are fearlessly and wonderfully made.

Listen to this advice.

With the help of my then boyfriend, now husband, I lost 75lbs while we were dating and was the lowest weight of my adult life when we got married and a svelte size 8, down from the size 16 I was when we met. I met him at my heaviest weight ever and he was (and still is) completely out of my league but he fell for the person I am.

Now I'm working on losing the baby weight (not 75lbs this time thankfully, but still a daunting 40lbs) and he's just as supportive... not because he wants me to be skinny, but because he wants me to be healthy.

mjbowman821 · April 2014

bump

usmcmp · April 2014

If he doesn't like you because you USED to be fat then he isn't worth it. I found most guys were surprised and realize that you worked hard to get there. They'll see the value in what you've accomplished, not the things that lead up to you getting fat.

deksgrl · April 2014

I wouldn't hide the fact that you lost weight, or advertise the fact either. It is part of your history, part of who you are. There will be many things you say or do, many thought processes you will have because of it, and these will take time to change. Just be who you are now, relax and have fun, and don't worry about how someone else might react to the idea that you were heavy. As others have said, they do not determine your worth. If they have a problem with it, it is their problem, not yours.

DucklingtoSwan · April 2014

You don't need to share any of your health journey with him, it's none of his business. Especially on a first date. Just share whatever you feel like and leave the rest for as you get to know one another better. Have a good time :-)

Dating during/ after weight loss

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