Am i overreacting here? Family vent, long

california_haley
california_haley Posts: 220 Member
Okay so i wasnt sure where to write this but i had to get it out. A little background, i havent spoken to or seen my mother in almost 10 years, and thats the way i like it. My father on the other hand i absolutely love that man. however he is, difficult to say the least. basically i moved in with him and stopped speaking to my mother when i was very young, he raised me pretty much on his own (i didnt get along with his live in gf) since i was 11 years old, im now 20. he taught me to be responsible and independent. i moved out when i was 17, just a few months before my 18th bday, because i graduated early from high school.

when i was a freshman in high school his live in GF who was very sick passed away. so it was then just me and him, and life was well pretty freaking great. i graduated high school about 2 months after my 17th bday. and a few months later moved out. i kept working for him, at the company he owns (rock quarry).my father and i got along so well. and then **** all started going down hill, and pretty fast.my father is pissed off at me because

i no longer wanted to work for his company, i had been there for over 9 years before i "quit" i would say thats a pretty good stretch for someone who wasnt even out of their teenage years at the time. how he started treating me at work wasnt fair and i just plan didnt like the work. Rock quarry, i mean is that YOUR dream?
I left to work for my mother in law, and to start my OWN business, that he doesnt, and never has shown any support in.
he is mad because i got married. he got married younger then i did (of course it didnt work out but thats not the point)
he is mad because we are having a baby.
basically i didnt do all the things my "perfect" older sister did and so he is mad, but i dont understand what right he has to BE mad.

i literally have not gotten a phone call from him in almost 4 months, he emailed me on my bday and i called to thank him. and i wanted to chat and he didnt want to. the call lasted not even 2 minutes.

HE got married to his 4th wife recently and myself and most all our family doesnt like her. she is a two faced *****, to put it nicely.

anyways i have kinda been ignoring the issue because whenever i call him he is all business "you have mail here at work, come get it" "dont forget such and such" "okay good 30 second talk, bye"

well today i was talking to my "step sister" (the daughter of the old live in GF) and HE called her on monday asking if she wanted to have lunch. she lives 6 hours away from us. and so on sunday HE is going to drive 6 hours to go have lunch with her (who btw is also pregnant and got married, but no reason to be mad at her i guess) he is driving 6 freaking hours for lunch and i cant even get a damn phone call? how is that at all fair. im his BLOOD child! and not only that but out of his 4 children i was the only one that came to live with him during our parents divorce. his other 3 completely left him, didnt even visit him growing up. he didnt see my brother till he was 19. and didnt see his other two from his first marriage till they were 18, and looking for jobs. i picked him! me, no one else, i picked to be with him. and he got to raise me! and yet i cant even get a phone call. and to make things worse, he will tell my great aunt, who actually calls me, that he misses me, but wont tell me, wont call me, and when i call him he doesnt say a damn thing.

im honestly pretty hurt about the whole lunch thing. am i overreacting?

Replies

  • soldiergrl_101
    soldiergrl_101 Posts: 2,206 Member
    Keeping opinions out of it-Sounds like you and your dad need to both sit down and hash this thing out before you both loose each other completly
  • ginakiki
    ginakiki Posts: 226 Member
    your not overreacting at all i would be mad 2....my dad is the type where i have to beg and crawl back to him even if hes wrong. Hes never going to change. I dont know why your dads acting like that towards you. Its very unfair and i am sorry he is treating you like that. Maybe hes hurt and thinks this is how he can get your attention, but still..write him a letter and see what happens.

    <3 xo
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,087 Member
    This makes me so sad. As a daddy's girl I would be beyond hurt. If he won't talk to you on the phone then you need to send him an email telling him EXACTLY how you feel and how hurt you are. Or go and tell him in person if you can. Then it's on him to come around. If he doesn't then just get on with your life. You can't change people. I hope you can work things out with him.

    Good luck hon!
  • Amanda_Gx6
    Amanda_Gx6 Posts: 320 Member
    Sounds like your father feels replaced by your new husband and in-laws. You need to sit down and discuss the problems. But my gut thinks that he feels pushed to the side to make room for your new family. You said it yourself it used to just be the two of you, you worked for him, you confided in him, you and him seemed to have been best buds. Now your husband is the one you confide in, you work with your mother in law, and now he may feel like old news and could be lashing out due to sadness. Remember anger is sad's body guard. Talk to him.
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
    Just break up.
  • rydn4h2o
    rydn4h2o Posts: 255
    Keeping opinions out of it-Sounds like you and your dad need to both sit down and hash this thing out before you both loose each other completly

    This ^^
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
    Sounds like your father feels replaced by your new husband and in-laws. You need to sit down and discuss the problems. But my gut thinks that he feels pushed to the side to make room for your new family. You said it yourself it used to just be the two of you, you worked for him, you confided in him, you and him seemed to have been best buds. Now your husband is the one you confide in, you work with your mother in law, and now he may feel like old news and could be lashing out due to sadness. Remember anger is sad's body guard. Talk to him.

    This^^
  • o0vibeke0o
    o0vibeke0o Posts: 11 Member
    I think you have a right to be upset... but your dad probably just had higher aspirations for you then any of his other children. And maybe he is a little disappointed (not saying he is right to be) but maybe since he raised you, he dreamed of you taking over the business and such. That's why it is not a big deal that his step daughter is young and pregnant, because he never had any dreams for her in mind... only you who you said yourself he raised you to be self sufficient and a certain way.

    I get how it is really upsetting. I would probably be heartbroken as well. But coming from someone who has had so many issues with her parents and years of not talking to them... it's not worth it. If I could take back the years my parents and I feuded over our feelings being butt hurt, I would. You just need to see him face to face, and cry if you have to. But tell him you love him, and you were grateful for the opportunity to work in his company, and he will always be apart of your life but that you are really hurt about how he is treating you. Put it all out on the table, I am sure your relationship will blossom from it.

    I get it's really hard to being anything but passionate and emotional while pregnant, but if it's going to upset you day in and day out ... it's really best to just talk to him. And then if he doesn't reciprocate the feeling of you two drifting apart, then at least you can say you tried and attempt to move on.

    I think one of the hardest thing for parents is having their children grow up. The relationship changes, and sometimes they just don't know how to handle it.
  • Deipneus
    Deipneus Posts: 1,864 Member
    im honestly pretty hurt about the whole lunch thing. am i overreacting?
    Nope. Normal reaction and in fact, measured.

    If he's going to be mad about normal behavior: Quitting to go out on your own, getting married, having kids, then there isn't a lot you can do about it but wait for him to come around. I expect he will. Missing out on grandchildren often has that effect on people.
  • shipleyd
    shipleyd Posts: 94 Member
    Sounds like your father feels replaced by your new husband and in-laws. You need to sit down and discuss the problems. But my gut thinks that he feels pushed to the side to make room for your new family. You said it yourself it used to just be the two of you, you worked for him, you confided in him, you and him seemed to have been best buds. Now your husband is the one you confide in, you work with your mother in law, and now he may feel like old news and could be lashing out due to sadness. Remember anger is sad's body guard. Talk to him.

    This^^

    I agree with this as well...
  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,194 Member
    If you had a very close relationship with your dad.. and I am not doubting you.
    Bring a 12 pack to his house and make him sit down with you.

    Remember two things.
    --What ever he did 20-30-40 years ago, is different then how they are today.
    --Its not tit for tat. when he got married at 20 it was a different time, and just because he did it doesn't mean you should do it. maybe he ran into issues that you would have never had guessed.
  • WaKay
    WaKay Posts: 314
    perhaps your dad sees you as all he had left and you left him?
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,764 Member
    I say you need to work on that relationship with your mom. 10 years? You are young, and I believe there is much more there than you know. Do it now before you regret it. As for your dad, wait for dad to call you, he obviously has an axe to grind, but he's not quite ready to let it all out.
  • I don't think you're overreacting at all. I completely understand the hurt you feel.

    Might I say though, with absolutely no disrespect, it seems like there is quite a bit of conflict in your family. You mentioned not having a relationship with your mom. That you disliked most of your dad's gfs/wives. I think it is really easy sometimes to get angry or upset and shut people out. Sometimes that is the best solution. Other times though, it can really lead to a lonely life. It seems like you've made an effort with your dad but I would try again a few times and really push to meet and talk.

    You don't want to lose someone wonderful in your life because of misunderstandings or because you have your guard up. I hope you guys are able to resolve things and have a close relationship again.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,245 Member
    In my experience with family, I find it is easiest to put pride aside.

    If you want to see your dad, take the initiative. Invite him to lunch. Or even better... drop in with lunch... maybe even at work (a public place) so he can't say you are imposing.

    Once you've got him face-to-face, tell him that you love him first. Tell him that you hate the lack of communication between the two of you, and that you want to work with him to fix it.

    Then, listen... because he has his reasons, and they are valid.

    This is not beyond repair, but you won't get anywhere if you hold grudges. You are going to have to be the first to wave the white flag.
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
    I don't think you're overreacting at all. I completely understand the hurt you feel.

    Might I say though, with absolutely no disrespect, it seems like there is quite a bit of conflict in your family. You mentioned not having a relationship with your mom. That you disliked most of your dad's gfs/wives. I think it is really easy sometimes to get angry or upset and shut people out. Sometimes that is the best solution. Other times though, it can really lead to a lonely life. It seems like you've made an effort with your dad but I would try again a few times and really push to meet and talk.

    You don't want to lose someone wonderful in your life because of misunderstandings or because you have your guard up. I hope you guys are able to resolve things and have a close relationship again.

    I couldn't have said it better.

    There seems to be an underlying 'trend' in your family that if you get mad, you close the door on the one you're mad at and leave it closed. Try to patch things up with your dad, even if he is being a bit unreasonable.
  • california_haley
    california_haley Posts: 220 Member
    Thank you everyone for the advice. :)
    I have a lot to think about with this situation, and you all helped very much.