Needing some serious insight...
iBMikey
Posts: 35 Member
Okay, so a little back story. My fiance and I began tracking with MyFitnessPal a little over a month ago. The idea is to get to our goals before our wedding in June- 2015. Now, the past couple of days has been extremely bumpy. Today (04/14/14), has been the hardest. I have lost a total of 19 pounds. Really happy for myself. My fiance has lost 14 pounds and had a rough weekend due to her job and school. It has been brought to my attention that she feels it is unfair that we both eat about the same thing and exercise the same amount (generally, I have exercised a tad bit more with my parents) and yet I have lost more, a very small margin.
I have been supportive, encouraged her and offer assistance whenever I can. I have preached that every person is different, just like snowflakes. We all lose in different ways at different rates. This is not a satisfactory answer for her. This has lead to me feeling guilty about my weight loss (given that is not her intentions at all and I know she is proud of me). I had a sudden drop in motivation and drive, and even thoughts of just stopping so she can bypass me with weight loss. She deserves to be proud of herself, progress is progress, it doesn't matter if it's 50 pounds or 2 pounds, weight lost is progress. But I've hit a wall as to how I can get her to stop comparing herself to me and focus on her self. My next move (should nothing be provided here) is to hide my weight loss by not posting in MyFitnessPal. Yet, I don't like hiding my progress. Makes me feel like I'm robbing myself of what I deserve as well.
I'm really hoping to get some insight to what I can say or do to help her. Any/All help is greatly appreciated. -James
I have been supportive, encouraged her and offer assistance whenever I can. I have preached that every person is different, just like snowflakes. We all lose in different ways at different rates. This is not a satisfactory answer for her. This has lead to me feeling guilty about my weight loss (given that is not her intentions at all and I know she is proud of me). I had a sudden drop in motivation and drive, and even thoughts of just stopping so she can bypass me with weight loss. She deserves to be proud of herself, progress is progress, it doesn't matter if it's 50 pounds or 2 pounds, weight lost is progress. But I've hit a wall as to how I can get her to stop comparing herself to me and focus on her self. My next move (should nothing be provided here) is to hide my weight loss by not posting in MyFitnessPal. Yet, I don't like hiding my progress. Makes me feel like I'm robbing myself of what I deserve as well.
I'm really hoping to get some insight to what I can say or do to help her. Any/All help is greatly appreciated. -James
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Replies
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Except we arent all special snowflakes. Men lose more than women due to a higher bodyweight and lbm ratio.
I suggest you have her join MFP and ask questions.0 -
You both need to keep track on your own, Mens bodies are different - tell her to not compare herself with you. Give her positve feedback. But, there is no way she can lose as fast as men do. Tell her to try T25, and keep her own log going.... but enjoy the fun....0
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Yikes... that does sound rough. My only insights would be:
1) to tell her that it is very common (at least in my experience) for men to be able to lose weight faster than women (some of this is hormonal, some of it is because women naturally have higher body fat percentage and have to work harder than men to keep that % lower).
2) some of it depends on how much you have to lose (so if you have 50 lbs to lose, and she only has 25, hers is going to come off slowly);
3) 14 lbs in a month is a LOT!! (I've lost 18 lbs, and I've been at it for almost 4 months!)
4) slow and steady wins the race - and it's an individual thing - not something to compare oneself to another; and
5) maybe encourage her to make some "friends" on MFP who are in the same boat as her (starting weight, same goal, etc.) and have them be the motivating folks in her life... maybe try to take the weight loss part out of your relationship until she's better grounded on the weight-loss path ??
Take all of that with a grain of salt, as I've never been in your (or her) shoes.0 -
Except we arent all special snowflakes. Men lose more than women due to a higher bodyweight and lbm ratio.
I suggest you have her join MFP and ask questions.
I have stressed this to her as well. She is on MFP but I don't think she ever really gets on.0 -
Well, I've heard that Men have more lean muscle mass than women. That in and of itself will help you burn more calories and eventually lose weight. Women, well we have more body fat and for the most part are deigned to bear children, thus more body fat to support both the mother and the child when it does happen.
She also has to learn to support you, too. What she's putting you through isn't fair. You've put the work into it, so why hide your success? You two are going to be together for a long time, possibly the rest of your lives. Its best to be honest with each other about things from the get-go.0 -
The answer lies in plain old body composition. Even when overweight or obese, men have more muscle mass than women.
Women carry approximately 10% more of their body weight in fat. This is the way nature designed us - to carry and deliver healthy children. And because of the increased muscle mass in men, a man’s metabolism is anywhere from 3% to 10% higher than a woman’s of the same weight and age.
That brings us to a physiological truth: the more muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be and the more calories you will burn, even when resting. And that men will always lose weight faster than women. It's not for lack of trying; it's just the way it is.
Is she doing any weight lifting? Because that's the secret to speed up fat loss.0 -
Women can't compare to men with respect to weight loss. She's also going to have greater fluctuations because of that whole hormonal time of the month thing. Weight loss isn't linear, and she may lose more next week.
14 pounds is an excellent loss. A huge loss really.0 -
I hadn't thought about telling her to come on her to look for other goal-minded individuals (be good for me to find some too lol). I continually tell her I'm proud of her and that she is doing great. I think I know the root of the problem and I believe she is fixated on that number on the scale. I always tell her, "Do you feel better and can you move and breath easier?" Her answer is always yes. In that case, it's working. Just treat your body right, and your body will be your own miracle.0
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Basic knowledge, men lose faster, let her know that she will hit a point where she will not only see the difference but achieve her goals, and yes it is not the same journey for everyone!0
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I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.0
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A. It is easier for men to lose weight. It just is. Women naturally have a higher body fat percentage and it's harder to lose.
B. 14 lbs in a little over a month???? Jeez Louise! I've been doing this January 1 and have lost 12 lbs. She should be throwing herself a party every day. That's unreal.0 -
I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.
Make sure she is aware that she can't possibly bulk up. So many women shy away from weights, or they lift a pathetic amount of weight (like 3 pound weights), because they don't want that "muscle" look, which is understandable, but we just don't have the testosterone available to be able to do that.0 -
I agree. Considering how many times we have tried this and that, this marks the first time we have seen negative numbers, and man it feels GREAT! We both are overweight (hence the reason it's coming off so quick), I just can't get her to realize that 14 pounds is no small feat. It really is something to celebrate. She continuously feels guilty about something she shouldn't have yet, and I always tell her that its no big deal, tomorrow is a new day (she's still harping on a Wendy's burger we ate a week ago). One bad meal will not make you fat just like one healthy meal will not make you skinny. 4 days of healthy eating will destroy that one bad meal in no time. But it falls short to the answer she is looking for.0
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flashback to last june: i was on MFP, counted calories religiouslyl, exercised regularly, and slowly lost about 15 pounds over the course of two years.
my husband was diagnosed with gout, and cut down his meat and beer consumption. he lost 10 pounds in two weeks.
i was SUPER annoyed and frustrated, but then i realized the differences:
1) i had lost methodically, so there was a good chance i wouldn't put it back on. once he started eating and drinking like had had been, he was going to gain that weight back. (he did. and more.)
2) women's bodies are designed to hold onto extra fat, especially around the middle, to prepare for motherhood. it sucks. we have to fight it, especially close to goal weight.
3) i'm under 5 feet tall. my husband is over 6 feet tall. i eat a snickers bar and my tummy swells. he burps and loses two pounds. that's just the way it is.
on mfp, there are folks who lose more easily than you do, but there are also folks that struggle more than you. have your fiancee find friends in both groups to help with motivation for HER situation.
and she's lost 14 pounds in ONE MONTH? it took me a couple of YEARS! she is fantastic!0 -
I'm pretty sure she hasn't lifted any weights yet. I usually lift 3x a week (I was a big lifter back in highschool), and it never occurred to me to tell her to lift a little here and there with me. I will definitely put that forward.
Make sure she is aware that she can't possibly bulk up. So many women shy away from weights, or they lift a pathetic amount of weight (like 3 pound weights), because they don't want that "muscle" look, which is understandable, but we just don't have the testosterone available to be able to do that.
I have been reading A LOT into women building muscle mass and you are right. It just never occurred to me to get her in the weight room. I believe that may very well be our next step on this journey. I love going down this road with her and I don't want to break paths, but if I can't find some way to help her, I believe splitting the path will be my only option left. :ohwell:0 -
flashback to last june: i was on MFP, counted calories religiouslyl, exercised regularly, and slowly lost about 15 pounds over the course of two years.
my husband was diagnosed with gout, and cut down his meat and beer consumption. he lost 10 pounds in two weeks.
i was SUPER annoyed and frustrated, but then i realized the differences:
1) i had lost methodically, so there was a good chance i wouldn't put it back on. once he started eating and drinking like had had been, he was going to gain that weight back. (he did. and more.)
2) women's bodies are designed to hold onto extra fat, especially around the middle, to prepare for motherhood. it sucks. we have to fight it, especially close to goal weight.
3) i'm under 5 feet tall. my husband is over 6 feet tall. i eat a snickers bar and my tummy swells. he burps and loses two pounds. that's just the way it is.
on mfp, there are folks who lose more easily than you do, but there are also folks that struggle more than you. have your fiancee find friends in both groups to help with motivation for HER situation.
and she's lost 14 pounds in ONE MONTH? it took me a couple of YEARS! she is fantastic!
I understand on the short aspect. I stand at a staggering 5'2 and she is 5'3 (can't you tell we belong together
).
A big thanks to everyone with insight. Don't know why some of these have never occurred to me, but hey, that's the joy of having such a great community like this one.0 -
Do you weigh more than her? If you do I would suggest having her look at the percentage of weight lost instead of the lbs. lost. People that are heavier lose more lbs. but as the percentage of your weight lost you might be closer.0
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She is a little bit heavier than me. I think one reason I have lost more is because in high school I was a big time lifter. Always in the weight room, so my muscle memory is still there and it's waking up. She has never lifted a weight except for those 3lb weights you can pick up at wal-mart.0
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Hi Mikey
I haven't been part of MFP for long, but I am very grateful for the support and encouragement I've gotten here, and very grateful for the success stories people share. The stories and the pictures are inspirational and motivating.
If your wife doesn't spend much time in MFP, could you do something like find a success story you really like and call out to your wife, "oh wow Marybeth, come and look at this!" and show her pictures or a bit of a story? Maybe she'd find something like that worth looking at, and once having looked might continue to look? And learn?
Best of luck to you both!0 -
Hmmm. That's tough. I don't think any two people should "compare" weight loss. It adds unnecessary pressure. Each body is different so expecting the same progress isn't realistic. A shared journey is wonderful, and I commend you for supporting each other and doing it together. Maybe try not focusing on the scale weight for a while and find another way to track progress?
Good luck on your journeys and congratulations on the upcoming wedding.0 -
This is a problem for a lot of people. I could never lose weight with someone else because I am asininely competitive and would want to pummel the person into the ground.
You have two options:
1) Help her understand that you are two different people who will lose weight differently, or
2) You need to gain weight and make sure she is always losing quicker than you. :laugh:0 -
She is a little bit heavier than me. I think one reason I have lost more is because in high school I was a big time lifter. Always in the weight room, so my muscle memory is still there and it's waking up. She has never lifted a weight except for those 3lb weights you can pick up at wal-mart.
A word of caution (and you sound super supportive, so this probably won't be a problem): but depending on the exercise, those 3 lb weights might be all she needs. I do an arm routine (link: http://www.fitsugar.com/10-Minute-Arm-Workout-Cameron-Diaz-Trainer-Teddy-Bass-23478466) and with some of the exercises, I use 5 lb weights (could go higher but I don't currently own a heavier weight - need to invest in that soon). On other ones, I have to put down all weights because I literally CAN NOT do the exercise with weights (I have really weak shoulders, it seems!). I am hopeful that soon, very soon, I'll be able to do those exercises with 3 lb weights. But the important thing is that I'm working to my max ability right now, doing the movements even if it's only with my own body/arm weight, and I have hope that I'll progress. So, don't chide her about the amount of weight, especially at first (even if your motivation is correct, it will make her feel discouraged).0 -
Just a note: I'm not trying to put myself up high or anything. Don't want to come across as an *kitten* or something.
Anyways, I applaud any and every thing she does. I mean the word 'proud' falls short. So I would never tell her, "You're not using enough weight." I just think she doubts exactly how strong she is. I almost feel like she hasn't found her Will Power yet, and we all know just how strong your will to do/ be something is. I know she also has a problem with shin splints, which we are working on.
Again, I can't thank everyone enough for the help. It is greatly appreciated while we transition through this lifestyle change.0 -
Mikey,
Thanks for sharing. You are getting some great advice here; would your fiance be open to reading the opinions of others and consider the suggestions being offered? I would offer that you not hide or "game" the system as a way of encouragement - not a good way to start a marriage. You should be able to be open and honest about something so fundamentally important to you (and presumably her).
Don't know if it has already been suggested, but perhaps your metric is not the correct one to measure. Weight loss is certainly an easy way to gauge progress toward a goal. What about % weight loss (think Biggest Loser)? She may actually be outperforming you? Or consider setting goals tied to measurements (waist, hips, arms, etc.) This may be a more desired goal for each of you. It also may be a way of giving each of you different "goals" - so comparing won't be possible (or not as easy).
Congrats on the upcoming wedding. Best of luck with this challenge; I'm sure you will get through this (keep talking to each other!).0 -
I know she also has a problem with shin splints, which we are working on.
Shin splints are terribly painful, but *can* be a pretty simple fix: getting the right shoes. It's not always an easy fix, but it would be the first thing I would try is getting the RIGHT shoes for her (have her go to a running store and get fitted properly). If I had shin splints, I wouldn't want to be exercising either!0 -
Yea... We just bought a pair of Nike's but I think I have an idea of what's causing it. We kinda jumped into exercising paying no mind to how unfit we was. So I believe it was too much too quick.0
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Yea... We just bought a pair of Nike's but I think I have an idea of what's causing it. We kinda jumped into exercising paying no mind to how unfit we was. So I believe it was too much too quick.
Did she get fit for those shoes? Just because they're Nike, doesn't mean they're the "right" ones. I could never wear Nikes until this year - they came out with a new stability shoe that is the BEST shoe I've ever worn - but prior to this year's new line... no way... couldn't wear them.0 -
Nope. Guess a new pair shoes is in line for her. Thanks for the help.0
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She needs to not compare herself with others or will lead to a lot of unhappiness. Her weightloss progress is her own and she is doing well. Your progress is your own, she will just be jealous and frustrated. If she is disatisified with her progress she could always up her game.
these journeys can be shared but they are essentially a path for yourself to learn and grow.
I hope you both lose the weight you wish to lose before the wedding.
work hard 0 -
Bring her in the forums so she can see that she can't compare herself to you. Each of your progress needs to be measured against yourselves, not each other. It can lead to one of you getting discouraged and self-sabotaging or the one who is doing well could get side-tracked by guilt feelings and then that won't be doing either of you any good!
Keep it up, you are both doing an amazing job!0
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