Getting Fit When Your S/O Is "Fat & Happy"
NekoneMeowMixx
Posts: 410 Member
Recently I've decided to get serious about getting in shape, and after just my first day, I feel amazing. I woke up early, did a 20 minute chest/upper body strength work out, and even though I only burnt 64 calories, and although my current measurements seem miles away from where I want to be, I'm *happy*. I feel MOTIVATED and I'm EXCITED to journey down the path to better health and, ultimately, a better body.
Unfortunately that path is a difficult one, and my boyfriend is less than supportive of this new lifestyle. I mean, sure-- he cheers me on, but he does it from the coach... And not only does it kind of crash my "Get Fit" high, but it's really putting a lot of stress of our relationship... I don't mean to sound so shallow as to say I love him less for his weight (I love a teddy bear just as much as a beefcake) but when you watch someone gain 25 pounds over the course of 8 months, it's painful to watch. He's 6 foot and some change, around 230 pounds, and about two plus of me around.
Last night, I tried to get him at least a little motivated to start working out with me, to which he painfully whined, "being healthy is so *hard* though..." He always acts like the simplest of workouts or anything that hasn't been bleached, blanched, processed, or canned is just awful and it's going to kill him. (It's kind of like dealing with a 3 year old)
Does anyone else deal with/has had to deal with this in the past? How do you handle it? I wouldn't be so animate about it, but it'd be really nice for him to be in this with me, and I'm honestly worried about his health. He's 28, and smokes (on top of it all, though he is trying to quit)
He does love running, so that's somewhere to start. But I know there a thousand *wrong* ways to go about trying to get him serious about getting in shape. What are some RIGHT ways to do it without putting any more unnecessary stress on things?
Thank you everyone in advance!!!
Unfortunately that path is a difficult one, and my boyfriend is less than supportive of this new lifestyle. I mean, sure-- he cheers me on, but he does it from the coach... And not only does it kind of crash my "Get Fit" high, but it's really putting a lot of stress of our relationship... I don't mean to sound so shallow as to say I love him less for his weight (I love a teddy bear just as much as a beefcake) but when you watch someone gain 25 pounds over the course of 8 months, it's painful to watch. He's 6 foot and some change, around 230 pounds, and about two plus of me around.
Last night, I tried to get him at least a little motivated to start working out with me, to which he painfully whined, "being healthy is so *hard* though..." He always acts like the simplest of workouts or anything that hasn't been bleached, blanched, processed, or canned is just awful and it's going to kill him. (It's kind of like dealing with a 3 year old)
Does anyone else deal with/has had to deal with this in the past? How do you handle it? I wouldn't be so animate about it, but it'd be really nice for him to be in this with me, and I'm honestly worried about his health. He's 28, and smokes (on top of it all, though he is trying to quit)
He does love running, so that's somewhere to start. But I know there a thousand *wrong* ways to go about trying to get him serious about getting in shape. What are some RIGHT ways to do it without putting any more unnecessary stress on things?
Thank you everyone in advance!!!
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Replies
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My hubby wasn't into getting fit for a bit until he started seeing my results. We usually don't workout together but sometimes do take long walks. Keep at it and when he starts seeing a happier and healthier, you it may motivate him into action. Good Luck.0
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This really depends on your relationship dynamic. In general there really isn't anything you can do until they want to do it. Maybe trying to get out and enjoying summer, less working out more enjoying life kind of things. I know my hubby gets a little extra pudge over the winter that he sheds once it gets nice out and we get the dirt bikes out and he can work on the cars, anything that gets him away from his computer games and moving.0
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He'll do it if he wants to. He's an adult, he doesn't need someone telling him what to do. What if a few months ago he got on a health kick and was telling you to get off your *kitten* and what to eat and how much to exercise?Recently I've decided to get serious about getting in shape, and after just my first day, I feel amazing. I woke up early, did a 20 minute chest/upper body strength work out, and even though I only burnt 64 calories, and although my current measurements seem miles away from where I want to be, I'm *happy*. I feel MOTIVATED and I'm EXCITED to journey down the path to better health and, ultimately, a better body.
Unfortunately that path is a difficult one, and my boyfriend is less than supportive of this new lifestyle. I mean, sure-- he cheers me on, but he does it from the coach... And not only does it kind of crash my "Get Fit" high, but it's really putting a lot of stress of our relationship... I don't mean to sound so shallow as to say I love him less for his weight (I love a teddy bear just as much as a beefcake) but when you watch someone gain 25 pounds over the course of 8 months, it's painful to watch. He's 6 foot and some change, around 230 pounds, and about two plus of me around.
Last night, I tried to get him at least a little motivated to start working out with me, to which he painfully whined, "being healthy is so *hard* though..." He always acts like the simplest of workouts or anything that hasn't been bleached, blanched, processed, or canned is just awful and it's going to kill him. (It's kind of like dealing with a 3 year old)
Does anyone else deal with/has had to deal with this in the past? How do you handle it? I wouldn't be so animate about it, but it'd be really nice for him to be in this with me, and I'm honestly worried about his health. He's 28, and smokes (on top of it all, though he is trying to quit)
He does love running, so that's somewhere to start. But I know there a thousand *wrong* ways to go about trying to get him serious about getting in shape. What are some RIGHT ways to do it without putting any more unnecessary stress on things?
Thank you everyone in advance!!!
He will change when he's ready...he's atleast being supportive of YOUR commitment, you can only hope that you can inspire him.0 -
I have the same problem with mine, except he watches me get smaller and becomes more depressed about his size. I encourage him to do what makes him happy and I tell him that I want him to be healthy but I love him no matter what. Then, when I do try to work out with him he complains and whines the entire time. He thinks running is useless and "not real exercise" and he's mad because I can keep up with exercise videos and lift heavier weights than he can.
Just keep encouraging him. Maybe it'll help. Everyone who is here to make a life change knows that the change can only come from within ourselves. You can try to force him into exercise but he's not going to want to lead a healthier life until HE chooses to make the move. Until then, you've got to keep doing what's best for you.0 -
Yeah, I think that's why he runs so much is because he genuinely enjoys it. See, me personally, I absolutely love the outdoors (cycling, long walks, hiking, geocaching, you name it) but I *hate* running, because I've got asthma and bad knees. So exercise videos and things like hot yoga are perfect for me, whereas my boyfriend thinks that's overwhelmingly boring, and turns working out into a chore. I am actually hoping we can get our bikes out and maybe go for a run once the weather is nicer. He works 5am to 2pm, and I work 10am to 8pm, so it's hard to do much together other than on Sundays (which is both our only days off)
I'll definitely give getting out and getting active a shot. Maybe schedule a few dates at the roller rink or something. Thanks!
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Lead by example. Eat good food in decent amounts, train hard and get good results. Once your S/O sees your looking and feeling good about yourself, it may well inspire him to do similar.
But don't expect anything, some people need to do things in their own time.0 -
You talked about your excitement for preparing to be fit and then began speaking of your guy. What does his journey have to do with yours? Focus on you. If he is fat and genuinely happy, then leave the man be. I think you are a bit too focused on something and someone you can't control. Perhaps, over time he will desire to join you in the process after seeing your results. In the mean time, take this time of your life to be selfish and focus on YOUR body and changes to come. I know your post comes from a place of love and concern. I just think, maybe, he isn't ready for the life change you are yet. And, that's okay. Congrats on deciding to make change in yourself! MFP is a great tool to help along the way. 0
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Thank you, everyone for the support, advice, and kind words. I didn't mean for it to come off as me trying to *force* him into exercise. I've mentioned that it would mean a lot to me if he'd do this with me once or twice to him, but he doesn't seem interested. One of my big concerns (as someone else mentioned happening to them) is him getting depressed if I start getting results and he's still stuck where he's at. Because I *know* he wants to get in shape. He tells me all the time. It's just the actual *getting there* that he has trouble with. And I don't know how to be supportive, but also firm because he's never been "in shape" so he doesn't know where to start...
But I'll just keep working on me, and (hopefully) I'll lead by example and he'll want to get in the same shape (and I'll be experienced enough to help him) 0 -
I feel your pain. This is something that hurts me in my relationship with my husband. We are working through several issues and this is one of them. Good luck to you!0
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Prepare your exit strategy now0
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There's not much you can do until he is ready else he will never be totally committed!
When he she's your progress and confidence grow hopefully that will spur him on to join you!
All I would suggest is cooking healthy dinners for the pair of you, that you know he will enjoy to show him that it's not all bad!
But most importantly, keep focusing on you! This is your journey whether he is down for it or not.. be proud of how far you have come instead of guilty for what he hasn't. Good luck 0 -
Well I guess I kind of had the opposite but kind of similar problem. My husband was skinny-fat and happy and I was trying to get fit. I really struggled trying to lose weight because although he said he supported what I was doing, trying to get in shape and whatnot, he just would not admit that although he was pretty skinny, that he was also out of shape as in he had no muscle at all, just a skeleton with a tiny bit of muscle and a bunch of fat...but still skinny
He ate junk food ALL the time and I would eat it with him because I felt secluded like I was on my own island if I ate my own food that was better for me. But the day finally came and he had a breakthrough, he wanted to get rid of his fat and gain muscle! And since then it's been a lot smoother sailing for me! We've been eating healthier and working out together.
Long story short, the point is that sometimes your S/O just has to have that breakthrough for themselves, they have to want it! Sometimes no matter what you say or how you say it doesn't matter, they just have to have their own breaking point. (Kinda like when you tell someone an idea and they turn it down but then five minutes later they claim it as their own lol)
Just keep on doing your best and hopefully you'll rub off on them! But until then, be kind, try to be understanding and ask them to be respectful and considerate when they make their choices of what to eat in front of you or what they say! I've been there and you have a great community of people behind you to support you Feel free to add me if you (or anyone else) want! 0 -
1. Your goals have to be for you. Sounds like you know that, but it was worth mentioning.
2. You can't make him want to change.
3. You can plan active things to do - but don't push him to exercise with you. Go to an amusement park (lots of walking) for example. But plan your workouts for you. It could backfire otherwise - so that he either ruins your mood or needs to workout at a different pace so you don't accomplish much.
That's all I have for bullet points. As to food choices, who makes the food? If you prepare the food then you can go about it one of two ways. A-make gradual simple changes where you can, and use portion control to meet your needs. Or B-go with the mantra 'if you don't like what I make, make your own dinner'. Somewhere down the middle may be the best path. Don't baby him about food but also don't go extreme. Extreme can be bad for you, in the sense you can get frustrated and feel like giving up if you feel you've given up too many things you enjoyed before.0 -
One other thought - if he is working toward quitting smoking I'd say to totally lay off any effort to get him to focus directly on working out, etc. You can encourage his eating habits indirectly if you make the food of course. For my hubby, to quit smoking (after 25 years) he had to totally ignore everything else. He put on weight, didn't care. Once he was approaching a year of no cigarettes though, he was ready to work on other habits.
And of course he has to be really ready to quit. Beyond that there are many methods and it might take trial & error to find what works for him. Good luck!
I think trying to plan active, fun things to do is still good though. And can even help with the smoking bit - especially if you find things that are new that he wouldn't associate with smoking.0 -
I understand the frustrations you have, but this needs to be something you do outside of him. Personally, I want someone who is healthy in my life. I want someone who is going to do what they can to live a long and healthy life with me. It would pain me to see someone I love not taking care of themselves. However, these are your goals. You say he is supportive of you, it just sounds like he's not interested in working out with you. Nothing wrong with that. Do your thing, let him do his.0
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I found the more I pestered my guy the less he was interested in adopting a more healthy lifestyle. I started going to the gym with a friend and started StrongLifts by myself. 3 months, 10 pounds and a lot of inches gone from me later he FINALLY decided to join me. I usually cook so it wasn't the healthy food that needed changed it was his activity level and his night Doritos binge. He lifts with me now a few days a week and on the off days we go for walks with out dogs. Sometime it's only a mile. Sometimes more. He also stopped drinking during the week which has helped a lot for him. In one month he has lost 15 pounds. I attribute it to his no drinking more than anything. He likes when I comment on how much his belly has went down. I also have gotten used to having more and more fruits and veggies cleaned and in the fridge. Hard boiled eggs too. When the healthy options are their and easily accessible he's more apt to choose them.
It's one of those things though that you can't make him do. Eventually he will see your results and want to make some of his own. He may have to find his own thing to do fitness wise and it may not be in a gym. It maybe outdoors. Whatever he does be supportive and comment on any little changes you see.0 -
I've been on this "journey" for over a year before my boyfriend got even slightly interested in getting healthier or fit. He doesn't want to count calories but wants to cut back his bad eating, his soda drinking and his mindless munching. He has started working out with me as well. I'm happy that he has decided he wanted to do this on his own. In the beginning I pushed him hard to get in shape with me but it just added stress to our relationship and causes unnecessary tension. I let it go. I love him. I'll love him if he is 90 pounds or 600 pounds. I just want him to be happy and if working out with me makes him happy then I'm happy to have him. I don't believe that you can force someone to get healthier. It will either push them away from the idea, give a half hearted attempt or even resent you for it.0
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As long as he is supportive of the changes you are making in your life, I wouldn't worry much about it. if he wants to choose to be healthy, it'll be on his own time. I recently went gluten free, which means a lot of the foods my bf and I used to enjoy together are no longer something that I can eat. He hasn't complained once about us not eating pizza or burgers together. He has been completely understanding and supportive of MY journey into becoming a better me, and that means the world to me.0
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My boyfriend has the *exact* same habits (the excessive soda intake/mindless snacking) which is something I'd like to cut down on simply because I'm the one buying/preparing meals and I don't want him wasting all my healthy meals (which he *does* eat, just along with a bunch of junk, too) I think once he does quit smoking he'll be able to get busier with his projects and other things, and he won't do so much "boredom eating".
But I do agree, a point that I had made earlier, and I want to make perfectly clear again-- I love that man with all my heart, and I love him if he's big, I'll love him if he's small. I'm just trying to look out for his best interest, and I thought it might be something fun to do together. I just won't let his bad habits get me down, and if he decides to take the leap, I'll be there to help him out.
And to the person who said I should work on an escape plan, sorry-- I'm not that shallow...0 -
My hubby has excercised his whole life and was buff boy for years until back problems. He isn't over weight and kind of supports me but at the same time luvs to bring home from favorite junk foods. It is very hard to stay in control and resist the junk. I have not been great at that lately. Good luck:):smile:0
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I have been on this journey since December 30th and my boyfriend is supportive. BUT 9/10 like yours he cheers me on from the couch.
That's ok with me, rather have him supportive and on the couch than unsupportive and in my face.
He is a slim bloke who can eat and drink what he wants and does not worry about weight gain and he does. He can sit in front of the TV and eat a share pack of maltesers to himself.
At first this bothered me, but I learned to ignore it. I would never tell him he can't eat anything he wants because that's not fair. However since I do all the cooking, he gets what I want him to for dinner
Just concentrate on yourself.0 -
I've been with my husband for 11 years (married 8) and the whole time I have been working on my weight and fitness... in those 11 years, he has spent 3 months at the gym. If he wanted to go, he would. It's just not a priority to him. Seeing me lose weight and run marathons and all that jazz has done nothing for his motivation... My husband weighs nearly 350 lbs so he's moved into the "you need to do this for your health" state, and he still won't do it.
My advice: don't push. If it will cause stress in your relationship, don't push. Let him come to it on his own. I've had all the "I'm so scared I'm going to lose you to a heart attack", "I'm so scared I'm going to find you dead in our bed" (he has weight related sleep apnea), and the "I'm so scared our kids will have to grow up fatherless" talks with him and none of them have pushed him to make changes.
He did do a Whole30 with me in January though, which was cool, but he failed to ride on that momentum and let it all go.
If your SO is happy where he's at... let him stay. If he's not, he'll make changes. Take his encouragement, whether from the couch or the treadmill next to you, and go with it. Eventually, he'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and he'll make changes. It might take 2 weeks, it might take 2 years, it might take 2 decades... either way, it's on him, not you. Just lead by example and hope that someday he'll start to follow...0 -
you cant 'make' him do anything...0
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If you just started your own life changes, isn't it a bit much to be freaking out because your boyfriend isn't on board yet? Is it possible that your actual issue is a fear of backsliding, so you want to make him come along for the ride in order to lessen the chances of that happening?
Worry about yourself. That's all you can do.0 -
Wait, your 6' something, 230 pound boyfriend is "fat?" That's fairly average, honestly. Unless by 6' something, you really mean 5'10".0
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Just do your thing and don't let him get you down EVER. My husband has seen me drop 41 pounds over the past 3 months and while he's complimented me about looking better, he made it VERY clear when I started dieting that I was the one on the diet, not him.
But to be honest, he's been dieting without realizing it. I keep healthier snacks in the house now, and the meals I cook for the family are revised enough to be ok for my diet but still tasty for the family. Sneaky? Heck yeah. But if it helps get me to my goal, he can just suck it. lol
Don't give up, keep going no matter how much he whines. Work out without him.. Besides, you're a strong independent woman... it's not like you need him to keep you motivated... You've got all of us! 0 -
You can't make him do anything, I know how you feel though. My husband who is lucky and actually needs to gain weight instead of lose it refuses to workout with me, I have asked a few times and he just isn't interested. Although he has started doing protein shakes and claims he will start working out when he gains 10-15 pounds...All you can do is take care of yourself and continue working out and eating healthier, there's always a chance that you continuing to do this will motivate him to do it but don't try and force it. He'll join you when and if he is ready, don't let it stress out your relationship.0
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He'll do it if he wants to. He's an adult, he doesn't need someone telling him what to do. What if a few months ago he got on a health kick and was telling you to get off your *kitten* and what to eat and how much to exercise?
He will change when he's ready...he's atleast being supportive of YOUR commitment, you can only hope that you can inspire him.
they do it when they want to- the more you do stuff and try to "help" or "motivate"
they just think "my girlfriend is nagging me"
my BF is like that- he's squishy- drives me crazy- and now we just don't talk about it much- but any time he worked out I was trying to be super supportive and ask about them and what happened and what he did (I can talk working out for hours- and my bestie and I always talked about our workouts after we were done and how we felt)- he was always giving me super clipped answers.
I finally asked him- why are you coping an attitude with me- and he told me "I feel like you're nagging me" even in my "non nagging supportive mentality" it was to much. So now I only ask him if he tells me and gives me a generic answer- it's getting better but it's not there yet. It's a slow process.
But you have to learn that this is for you- and this is a battle of your will against your body. This is the time to find internal strength- I know it's hard when you live with someone opposite of you- but you just have to commit to it and stay the course- he may come around when he sees you're results- but be prepared- he may not- he may be okay with himself just the way he is and you have to ask yourself if that's okay.0 -
I don't think you're coming off negatively, I think you have a genuine concern for him and that's admirable. My Fiance and I have a pact that we will tell each other if one of us is gaining too much weight (that being said he hasn't said a think since I gained 15 lbs recently). Here's to catching it on my own and getting rid of it before he notices! If you want him in your life long-term, y'all need to agree in this are, otherwise you'll just build resentment.0
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Get hot and dump him.
Seriously though, getting fit is something you need to do for yourself with or without him.0
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