Supporting others

weather_nerd
weather_nerd Posts: 93
in Motivation and Support
Hey friends,

I have a question which some of you may be able to help me with. I can sum all of it up pretty nicely - how do you support someone (who has asked for your support in the past) who doesn't seem to be giving any effort at all?

I was completely open to supporting a friend through their change to a healthy lifestyle. They even asked for help. I gladly offered support. Even after they fell off the wagon numerous times, they promised to get right back up and try harder.

Nothing has changed.

I have come to a point now where I'm completely done offering my support or assistance, because I'm quite honestly tired of wasting my time and energy. What bothers me the most is when this person complains of a certain ailment which is directly related to doing things they said they would NOT do anymore, and NOT doing the things they said they would do.

A couple of months ago, they had a huge wake-up call that made them realize their lifestyle was very unhealthy. Well, some things never change I guess..

I'm done. I think the best thing to do is just focus on myself right now (as selfish as that sounds).

Replies

  • peachstategal
    peachstategal Posts: 398 Member
    The only person you are in charge of is yourself. Your friend needs to figure that out. My DH quit smoking almost a year ago and has gained a lot of weight. I have been on his case about it (he had a heart attack and that fat around the middle is not good) but I know in my head that only he can decided to change his eating habits.
  • katro111
    katro111 Posts: 632 Member
    My theory on this (based solely off of personal experience) is that you can't help someone if they don't truly want to help themselves. You can only do so much for someone, but it's not a one-way street.

    I agree, focus on yourself right now. If your friend really wants to get back on track, then they will. Helping and supporting someone doesn't mean taking on the whole load yourself.
  • Serah87
    Serah87 Posts: 5,481 Member
    That has happen to me also. I now just offer answers to their questions and that's it, unless they show they really want to do this and than I will help them more.
  • askeates
    askeates Posts: 1,490 Member
    That is not selfish at all.... There is only so much you can put into helping someone that doesn't really want to do the work. Until they hit that magic place that forces them to realize the HAVE to make the change, you can't force them to do it.

    I know it's hard, but you will make it!
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    it's funny I've had this convo irl too many times...people get sick of supporting friends who keep making "wrong choices"...

    this is what I tell them..

    You take your friend as they are, help them when you can, offer advice when asked and support when needed...or don't be their friend...and if you are gonna be their friend stop whining and complaining about them...stop keeping score and be their friend.

    It really is that simple.

    If you feel it's a waste of time and effort and they don't appreciate it, break up...but what does that say about you???

    When the going gets tough...
  • allotmentgardener
    allotmentgardener Posts: 248 Member
    Help those who are willing to also help themselves. If your friend is unable/unwilling to stick to what they claim they want then nothing you can say or do will change that. You have tried your best but ultimately it is up to them.
    Concentrate on yourself as you obviously do have the motivation. You never know, maybe seeing your progress will motivate them. It is not selfish to think of yourself, if you don't no-one else will.
    Good luck with your healthy journey.
  • echofm1
    echofm1 Posts: 471 Member
    What kind of support are you offering?

    Different people have different levels of commitment, and different life circumstances that you might. You can't expect them to be right where you're at in life. They may be there, they may not be. Sometimes their level of commitment varies.

    I started this journey with my cousin, and at first we were on pretty much on the same page. Then life circumstances came up and her commitment faded for awhile. She had other things to focus on. She'd still learned healthier habits from the short time though, and it helped, but she just wasn't where I was in the journey. Eventually she got back on the wagon, fell off again for a little while, then hopped back on. It's not my job to judge her for her decisions though. All I can do is be available when she needs me, however she decides she needs me. Maybe she needs to talk to someone about a bad choice she made, or get assurance that everything will work out alright, or maybe she needs a workout buddy.

    What does your friend need from you to help them? Don't try to force them into things they don't want to do because that's how you feel supportive. That just leaves you frustrated and them feeling like they failed because they aren't living up to your expectations. It's their life and they can make their own decisions concerning their health.

    You don't sound like you want to support them, even though you asked how to.
  • nance1109
    nance1109 Posts: 25 Member
    I think that the post before me is correct in that we can only truly help ourselves. We cannot 'make' someone be healthy nor should we feel obligated to do so. I believe the most important thing to offer someone is your support, that is all. If they choose not to follow through that doesn't mean you have to stop supporting them. Maybe you just need to stop making it personal to you. If you feel strongly that the other is 'wasting your time' then maybe simply telling the other person straight out-you have to help yourself before anyone can help you, when you are ready I am here but I can't do it for you. That is all.
  • loribenfield
    loribenfield Posts: 120 Member
    If they ask for support again, ask them how it is they want you to support them. Make them be specific. And be honest as to wether or not you are able to support them. It is easy for them to say I am going to eat right can you help me? But you need to ask them how is it you can help them eat right? I had the same kind of friend. She wanted me to make her food for her. I finally had to tell her no. I told her my idea of support and hers were two different things. When she asked me for healthy recipes I advise her now to get on line and look for healthy recipes that she likes. I am now making her accountable to herself so when she fails she can only blame herself. Since I have been doing this she has lost more weight and exercised more that she did when every one was always trying to help her by doing it for her or with her. Not sure it will work with your friend but you need to understand that you cannot make them change and that trying the way you are is letting you down. Good luck.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    That has happen to me also. I now just offer answers to their questions and that's it, unless they show they really want to do this and than I will help them more.

    I basically do this. My parents are guilty of complaining about their health when it is clearly their own fault/responsibility. I just nod and keep my mouth shut, but when they ask me direct questions about what I'm doing or eating, I answer them directly. It's hardly ever an answer they like, but I'm not going to be dishonest about my advice.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I will answer questions when asked and point people in the right direction if they are in need of resources, but I'm not the type to constantly be on someone's back about achieving their goals unless I can tell they are making an effort. I can remind you that you want it and why you want it, but I can't want it for you.
  • lemurcat12
    lemurcat12 Posts: 30,886 Member
    If they ask for support again, ask them how it is they want you to support them. Make them be specific. And be honest as to wether or not you are able to support them.

    This. I think there's often a disconnect between friends or even family as to what support means. I'd analogize it to when someone tells you about a problem. Sometimes they want positive suggestions to address the problem, but sometimes they just want to open up to someone about their struggles and how they feel. If someone isn't ready to make the changes they need to make, you can't do anything about it and really shouldn't be asked to try. But you can still support them in other ways, such as by telling them how you address the issues, which might be inspiring, and you can let them talk about how they feel and run ideas by and just generally be someone who knows they want to lose weight or get healthy. And, yeah, that can be frustrating if they seem down and in a bad place, but aren't ready to actually take a positive step, but that last could be what is really meant by support.
  • a_stronger_me13
    a_stronger_me13 Posts: 812 Member
    Lead by example, answer questions when they ask, and try not to sweat it too much or strangle them when they come to you complaining about not making any progress when they've ignored everything you've said.

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