The challenges of living with someone
starbeach44
Posts: 2
My partner is not interested in making the right decisions with food (some call that "dieting", that term doesn't work for me since it has obvious negative connotations). He hardly ever exercises and while he supports what I am doing, it definitely isn't easy living with someone who does not care what goes in their mouth and does not set aside time every day to exercise and/or make healthy eating choices. Anyone out there have any advice on how to deal with this? I'm sure I am not the only one in this situation. I try encouraging him to come to the gym with me, to cook healthier meals together, and he is just completely apathetic about it. This journey is hard enough without the presence of apathy and bad eating choices, but I am determined to still make this work.
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Replies
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You need to have him on board to be successful. Maybe ask why does he not want to support you?
The other option is pout a little?
Seems to work for me... 0 -
I am in the same situation... my significant other totally supports me in my lifestyle change, but really hasn't been totally on board with joining me in those changes. I can't make him do so, and honestly, he is an adult. It's up to him to decide if and when this is something he chooses to do. He is a smoker and likes his beer, but interestingly enough, as I continue to lose weight and work out, I've noticed that he has cut back on how much he drinks. Wish I could say the same thing about his smoking, but I knew he was a smoker when I met him so it's not my place to "make" him change.
Since July 1, 2013, I have been working hard at making permanent changes in my life... not sure how much I have lost since I choose not to weigh, but I can say this much: I have dropped from a very tight size 18 to a size 6. I walk a minimum of 5 miles a day...averaging 13K steps. He is constantly complimenting me on my progress... and two weeks ago, he asked me to show him how to operate my treadmill.... He started out walking 30 minutes a day... has added 5 minutes each day since. Now that HE has made the decision to walk, I do encourage him daily. This is a very big step for him as he has neuropathy in his feet and I know that this can be very painful. It's knowing how hard this was for me back in July and where I have come today, that has encouraged him to exercise. I am hoping the smoking will follow... he's used the excuse that smoking is an addiction and I just don't understand how difficult kicking an addiction is... uh... yeah, well, that doesn't fly very far for me.. I remind him that (prior to meeting him) I once weighed 270 pounds... and I didn't just wake up fat one day... it was all the peanut butter and chocolate I ate along with the cake and cookies and donuts... so don't tell me about addictions!
For what it's worth -- I have been able to handle ONE piece of dark chocolate a day and am satisfied with that, had a couple of bites of my son's wedding cake two weeks ago and pushed the rest away... don't care for cookies or donuts ...but am deathly afraid of the peanut butter jar. :-)
Point is... give it time, don't push him, don't lecture him... as he sees the changes in you, he'll come around. He's supportive of your endeavors and that's what is important right now. If he doesn't want to eat healthy foods you make, let him make his own. If he wants junk in the house, that doesn't mean you have to have it. (that jar of peanut butter is smack dab in the front of the cupboard every time I open it up... but I am stronger than that jar!). Once he realizes the changes you are making are permanent, he will undoubtably follow your lead.0 -
This is your "thing".
If he, say, likes football and you don't, would you go and do every football thing with him?
Similarly, while I'm not a great one on spectating sports, I wouldn't expect a girl friend to come along to every dirt bike ride I went on, nor to help repairing the bike and so on.
From your profile I can see you've had a good bit of time not 'making the right decisions' as you call it. Why would you think he'd want to jump on the wagon at exactly the same time as you?
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I live with two like that...my son and my husband.
eh it is what it is...I have make most of the meals so they can eat what I cook or cook themselves...which they do sometimes...
Mind you 1 year into this for me my husband has decided he will workout with me now...I think it's cause I can almost bench what he can and he cannot have his wife stronger than him...:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
My son is wishy washy sometimes he exercises sometimes he doesn't...(he is almost 20)0 -
My husband has similar health issues to me - HBP, high cholesterol - and received the same doctor's advice of losing weight and eating low sodium. He knows what to do to lose weight and change how much he eats, but he doesn't bother. He supports me with what I do and doesn't mind buying health/fitness related stuff. I lived with a lot of failed/both people learned to hate each other relationships that I dislike talking to him about portioning his snacks and not eating bags of chips while gaming. I do what I can (portioning his snacks for him so all he's got to do is grab a container), but it's up to him to make the decision to lose weight.
My weight loss is my business. I don't get mad because he's eating what and how much he likes.0 -
You need to have him on board to be successful. Maybe ask why does he not want to support you?
The other option is pout a little? Seems to work for me...
The first sentence is not true at all! There are so many people losing weight and getting fit without their SO's support or trying to lose weight themselves.0 -
Same here. My husband doesn't really care about his diet and exercise. He does support me (finally!) in my "new" lifestyle but it just doesn't apply to him.
The main problem for me is temptations: if I were home alone (or with someone eating clean as I do) I wouldn't have the cupboard full of chocolate bars and chips and the freezer stocked with ice-cream.
What i found to work for me is to have an healthy alternative for when he snacks: after he eats ice-cream? I will have some greek yoghurt with frozen berries and some almonds. Not the same thing, I know, but at least it keeps me busy while he finishes his ice-cream.
Also, I tend to cook 2 different things for our meals: my healthy foods and then a version with more flavours/fats/condiments for him. Doing this is also allowing me to slowly introduce cleaner foods into his diet. One step at a time.0 -
This happens on so many things. When one person chooses to quit smoking and the other doesn't, it's difficult if not impossible. If one person is a picky eater and the other ends up always cooking something special to satisfy the picky eater, there will be a heaping helping of unhappiness for dessert. If one person is a slob and the other wants things neat and tidy, there is trouble up ahead.
The biggest problem of all, however, is when one person blames the other "for making me fat," "for making me smoke," "for making me pick up after him or her." Ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions and actions. Some of us are more flexible than others when it comes to coping with these differences, and it helps to develop some coping skills and strategies if we choose to stay together (if not for today, then for twenty years down the line). Otherwise, develop some exit strategies if we choose to part. A co-dependent status quo rarely has a happy ending.0 -
My husband has always eaten whatever he wants, but it doesn't really bother me. He respectfully keeps his junk food out of sight, and our dinners haven't changed, except how often we order out. He just eats more of it than I do, or throws his sauces on top while I use seasonings. And now that he's begun to want to lose a few pounds himself, he's actually asked me for help in how to begin, because he's seen my success, and THAT is a great feeling.0
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This is your "thing".
If he, say, likes football and you don't, would you go and do every football thing with him?
Similarly, while I'm not a great one on spectating sports, I wouldn't expect a girl friend to come along to every dirt bike ride I went on, nor to help repairing the bike and so on.
From your profile I can see you've had a good bit of time not 'making the right decisions' as you call it. Why would you think he'd want to jump on the wagon at exactly the same time as you?
i agree with this ^^^ you have to go for it for you and leave him to it... living with someone (especially your spouse) shouldnt be a challenge?0 -
I have a similar problem with my husband. I'm making an effort to eat much healthier and work out. He's active and plays basketball a couple times a week but has always had a fast metabolism so can binge on chips and pop without a care. Not the case for me. So we still have all that crap in the house, but not in my favorites so that makes it a bit easier. I agree with gloriaeffe that having a healthy snack available for when your significant other snacks is super helpful.
I've been telling him I need help being held accountable, and he has to mention it if he see's me drifting off track. But its super hard to have your loved one be the one to tell you "you don't want to eat that"... But I guess that's why I'm here! getting the feedback and support from all of you!0 -
It's the same for me, except that I don't expect him to follow me. His life is his, just like my life is mine. He hardly eats anything, but that's his deal.
He likes all the healthier food I'm preparing though.
Oh and he still has all his snacks lying around like salted peanuts, potato chips etc. I've got used to it though and it doesn't bother me any more when he sits next to me munching away.0 -
How does what he chooses to do/not do impact you? You live together, you're not joined at the hip.
You can't force your views or preferences on anyone without making them resent you. Do your thing and let him do his. Maybe if you're lucky he'll come around on his own eventually. Maybe. But you started dating him as he is right now I'm assuming, so it's not fair to him to start forcing changes on him that he's not comfortable with now.0 -
My husband is not on board with my life style changes either. I prepare separate meals 5 days a week and on the weekends he is on his own. Every night while I am finishing my meal he pulls out the entire package of sandwich cookies and inhales 6 of them while placing the package between us. I don't know if he is trying to sabotage me or tempt me but I have no interest in the cookies. I have not said a word because I think he trying to get a reaction out of me. He has commented on my appearance and that I am "making him" look bad. Nope buddy you are doing that all on your own. LOL0
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no you don't.You need to have him on board to be successful.
the solution's easy: don't live with someone0 -
My husband and 14 year old son are naturally thin and both have a propensity for snacking soda and dessert after dinner. Joining them in their eating habits along with no additional exercise got me where I was, as high as 200 pounds ( I'm 5'2"). Since I've been diligent, their support has really changed from lipservice to actual change; my husband ( a chef ) has really taken to experimenting in the kitchen to make my healthy meals taste awesome, and my son just last night checked the package on the oreos he was about to eat and said "omg 450 calories?!". He ate them anyway, bless his heart.
You do you. Your partner will fall in or not, but you keep doing you!0 -
Not sure. My husband very successfully exercised and worked out when I was unwilling and later unable to. He did his thing, I did mine. There was a point I wasn't ready to eat better or to work out and then there was the point that I was pregnant and unable to work out, though I tried to eat well (that is not a general pregnancy, it was unique to my circumstances and obstetric history, as a disclaimer).
When I started losing weight and watching my food, he did not. He supported me, but continued with what he was doing. Which is fine (we're both watching our foods now and both working out now). It's a little easier with him doing the same things, but fundamentally, we're separate people. I don't have to eat anything he's eating, or vice versa. I was the only one doing Whole30's and he helped by keeping our shared meals compliant and eating non-compliant foods elsewhere.
I'm probably not helpful, but I don't think one's significant other (spouse or roommate) is required to join you just because you are embarking on a new healthier lifestyle. It might be a little easier for you, and there are some concessions that could be approached (agree that shared meals will be healthier, agree that foods you have trouble around will be stored separately or kept out of the house, etc), but in the end, you control only yourself. You have to learn how to make the right choices at each step, on your own, if you are to be successful.
Actively sabotaging you is a separate issue. In the absence of that, just do your thing.0 -
last year i used to date a guy who was a chef…… and when i started my weight loss journey back then it was so terrible spending time at his place because he would always cook with so much oil or sauce or other unhealthy stuff that I just couldn't take it anymore. one day he showed up to the gym to see me and he brought me cookies and cake. like i eat cake. i do once in a while but he brought 5 giant pieces…. if i were you id be happy your partner is not doing that. because that is a struggle. not wanting to offend him for doing stuff like that but at the same time let him know you don't enjoy this. as long as he is not ruining your diet and goals its all good, just keep focused :00
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My husband supports me in what I'm doing but he's not actively trying to lose weight or eat healthy or anything like that. He buys chips & cookies and stuff like that and usually I'm all over it but this go round, I've managed to stay away from all those foods that would cause me to lose my mind. I think this time I'm finally ready to face this challenge and make the best of it. I cook healthy meals for both of us and he's welcome to eat it or go fix himself something else if he chooses. He says he wants to join a gym but we have an exercise bike at home that he shows no interest in. Sure it would be easier if we didn't have the junk food in the house but he can have it and one day, if he feels like he wants to eat healthier, that would be great. This go round, his eating habits have had no effect on me and I know I'm early into this process but I feel like I'm better prepared to handle it.0
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I feel your pain. My fiance is very supportive of my journey and accompanies me on it in many ways -- whether cooking, lifting together or sharing long walks. And, I have to admit that it has really, really helped me. I know that you can never make someone help you, but I find having a partner to be immensely helpful and I'm very grateful for it.
The only thing I can suggest is you asking him if he'd help you by joining you on some of these things -- talk about which things he think he may be able to change to help YOU (or perhaps you think about certain things that would help you MOST and see if he's willing to try to change some of those things to help you).
I find that good partners usually want to help each other out and if couched in such a manner, it may be more palatable to someone. The key is not to demand, nag or manipulate -- be genuine in your request. There may be certain things that he just isn't willing or able to change and you have to accept that, but there also may be some things that wouldn't be that big of a deal and would help you immensely. It's the art of compromise and helping one another. Good luck!0 -
I wish I had good advice.
In my house I do all the shopping and most of the cooking so he eats what I eat weather he likes it or not.0 -
I hope he doesn't smoke in your home-that would have an equally bad effect on your health and wellness!I am in the same situation... my significant other totally supports me in my lifestyle change, but really hasn't been totally on board with joining me in those changes. I can't make him do so, and honestly, he is an adult. It's up to him to decide if and when this is something he chooses to do. He is a smoker and likes his beer, but interestingly enough, as I continue to lose weight and work out, I've noticed that he has cut back on how much he drinks. Wish I could say the same thing about his smoking, but I knew he was a smoker when I met him so it's not my place to "make" him change.
Since July 1, 2013, I have been working hard at making permanent changes in my life... not sure how much I have lost since I choose not to weigh, but I can say this much: I have dropped from a very tight size 18 to a size 6. I walk a minimum of 5 miles a day...averaging 13K steps. He is constantly complimenting me on my progress... and two weeks ago, he asked me to show him how to operate my treadmill.... He started out walking 30 minutes a day... has added 5 minutes each day since. Now that HE has made the decision to walk, I do encourage him daily. This is a very big step for him as he has neuropathy in his feet and I know that this can be very painful. It's knowing how hard this was for me back in July and where I have come today, that has encouraged him to exercise. I am hoping the smoking will follow... he's used the excuse that smoking is an addiction and I just don't understand how difficult kicking an addiction is... uh... yeah, well, that doesn't fly very far for me.. I remind him that (prior to meeting him) I once weighed 270 pounds... and I didn't just wake up fat one day... it was all the peanut butter and chocolate I ate along with the cake and cookies and donuts... so don't tell me about addictions!
For what it's worth -- I have been able to handle ONE piece of dark chocolate a day and am satisfied with that, had a couple of bites of my son's wedding cake two weeks ago and pushed the rest away... don't care for cookies or donuts ...but am deathly afraid of the peanut butter jar. :-)
Point is... give it time, don't push him, don't lecture him... as he sees the changes in you, he'll come around. He's supportive of your endeavors and that's what is important right now. If he doesn't want to eat healthy foods you make, let him make his own. If he wants junk in the house, that doesn't mean you have to have it. (that jar of peanut butter is smack dab in the front of the cupboard every time I open it up... but I am stronger than that jar!). Once he realizes the changes you are making are permanent, he will undoubtably follow your lead.0 -
As long as he's supportive of your efforts, you can't really force him to follow suit.
He may eventually join you in your healthy lifestyle efforts when he sees how great you're doing.
It sometimes takes a health scare for people to do something positive for themselves.0 -
What are the "right" decisions?0
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no you don't.You need to have him on board to be successful.
the solution's easy: don't live with someone
The solution is even easier than that-- do your own thing and don't expect your significant other to change just because you did.0 -
Inhad a totally different dinner than my fiance. Often I'll make 2 dinners. I don't even care.
my diet and my fitness needs and desires are mine alone.
I don't need or want toforce them to join in0 -
THE CHALLENGE IS: You have decided that you can't do this on your own.
Your spouse/partner doesn't have to do what you do! I personally like having time away to do my own thing and have some of my own hobbies. That is the beauty of being an individual. So what if he doesn't want to exercise or eat healthy? This is something you decided to do for yourself.
If he changes his mind later... Cool! Otherwise why make such a big deal out of it.0 -
no you don't.You need to have him on board to be successful.
the solution's easy: don't live with someone
The solution is even easier than that-- do your own thing and don't expect your significant other to change just because you did.
QFT
The only person that should be on board with your decision is you. Just because you decide to have a lifestyle changing moment doesn't mean everyone else around you needs to change with you.0 -
You need to have him on board to be successful.
No you don't. I am an amateur cyclist. I train, sometimes 15-20 h / week. My wife is not athletic and she doesn't like competition. But she respects the boundaries, times, and tradeoffs that make any successful relationship work.
As she realized that my sport is important to me, she's even adopted a little bit. She'll go for an easy bike ride - as long as there's an ice cream or a beer stop!
I still work full time. I still take my kids to daycare. I still cook some dinners - and she's vegetarian, so sometimes this means two batches of things. And I train an avg. of 2 hours per day. If it is important to you, you'll make it work.0 -
You need to have him on board to be successful.
No you don't. I am an amateur cyclist. I train, sometimes 15-20 h / week. My wife is not athletic and she doesn't like competition. But she respects the boundaries, times, and tradeoffs that make any successful relationship work.
As she realized that my sport is important to me, she's even adopted a little bit. She'll go for an easy bike ride - as long as there's an ice cream or a beer stop!
I still work full time. I still take my kids to daycare. I still cook some dinners - and she's vegetarian, so sometimes this means two batches of things. And I train an avg. of 2 hours per day. If it is important to you, you'll make it work.
Sounds like my kind of woman.
My husband has picked up a few of my habits too. He counts calories now and he's even started lifting a little. But it's taken a long time, and that's fine. It would have been fine if he never picked up any of it.0
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