'You'll look ill!"

Katleskin
Katleskin Posts: 111 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
Saw my friend for the first time since November this weekend. She commented on my weight loss and asked what my target was. I said about 147lbs. At 5ft 7 I reckon that's a good soft target to aim for as it is at the top end of 'healthy' BMI range. She looked absolutely aghast at this - "You don't want to lose that much, you'll look ill!". She even said that last time I lost a bit of weight (from about 220lbs to about 170lbs) that I'd started to look ill then. Personally I think I just started to look healthy and fit (and was technically still 'overweight'), not ill at all - I wasn't bony or pale or sickly or anything, far from it! I'm aiming to be fit and strong, not skinny. I was a bit shocked by her opinion to be honest and I'm wondering what place her comments come from.

My friend has always struggled with her weight, insomuch as she's always been on the big side (though not massively so) and hated it but never done much about it. She's also now 6 months pregnant so weight loss isn't much of an option. She's a lovely person and a great friend but has a lot of hangups about weight (her sister had an eating disorder). I would like to think that what she said comes from a place of genuine (if misplaced) concern but I can't help but feel she doesn't want to lose her 'fat friend'. If I slim down she'll be the bigger one in the group. I'm not about to let her comments stall my weight loss journey but can someone just confirm that my target is perfectly reasonable and not in the least bit likely to make me look 'ill'?! I love my curves which is why I'm actively trying to do exercises to keep them, albeit while making them less wobbly!

Has anyone else had the 'You'll look ill!' comments? How do you deal with it? It's a bit much that people are telling you your weight loss will make you look less attractive before you've even got there! Good job I've got thick skin.

Replies

  • zeal26
    zeal26 Posts: 602 Member
    Your goals are perfectly fine.

    I've gotten a few comments like this, too. Especially now that I am fast approaching a normal size. One from a friend who is very thin and always has been - tbh I think she is afraid I'll end up as thin as her as that's always been the advantage she's had over me. That's her own insecurity, not mine. Another from someone who has always struggled with their weight and is currently obese. I assume that one also stems from insecurities.

    It used to upset me but now I take no notice. Nobody EVER told me I was getting too fat when I was heading for obese!! It's only now that I'm being successful and getting fit and healthy that people feel the need to tell me stop. I'm not doing this for anybody but myself, so I try to brush the comments off.
  • ANewMeSAGirl23
    ANewMeSAGirl23 Posts: 6 Member
    Hi there Katleskin:) I just wanted to let you know that 220lbs is completely reasonable. I had a friend once who used to discourage me from eating healthy by saying "but you dont need to lose weight! you are perfectly normal"..when in fact I was over weight--and then would proceed taking me to McDonald's because she was craving a McFlurry.. and on top of that she was the skinnier one out of the two of us. So it's truly complicated and a pity when friends don't support your goals and dreams of being healthier and fitter.
    With you eating healthy and exercising, for her it is highlighting the very thing that she is avoiding in her life. And yes, I suspect she doesn't want to be the only 'fat friend' when you've reached your goal.

    Don't let her hangups on eating healthy, weighing less and exercising bring you down about your goals and aspirations. You are doing an amazing thing by deciding to change your life and doing the steps you got to take to make the change.

    I wish you all the best with your friend. Maybe you need to sit down with her and maybe help her with her hangups?
    It may have a positive outcome:) talking always helps!

    :)
  • Kr1ptonite
    Kr1ptonite Posts: 789 Member
    Yeah I got it as well. Mainly because I was getting really skinny. To be honest it didn't worry me. They weren't jealous or anything but they worried.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    I would just not talk about your weighloss, if she says anything again, just change the subject.
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    Honestly no I haven't gotten those comments...

    I am 5 ft 7 as well and my goal is between 150-155...mind you people do not believe for one second that's what I weigh...

    Just smile and assure her you are fine and change the subject.
  • earlybrd7
    earlybrd7 Posts: 56 Member
    147lbs for 5'7" is perfectly healthy and a good goal to aim for!

    Your friend is just not used to seeing you this way and it might have taken her aback. Stick with your plan, eventually your weight will become the new 'norm' and the comments will stop.

    Edit for typo*
  • starsandowls
    starsandowls Posts: 55 Member
    Jealousy is an ugly thing. I was at a professional luncheon meeting a little while back. One of the women at another table had been working for months to get back in fighting form. She's a runner, and her legs are pretty phenomenal. She's tall, her waist must be in the low 20s, and she has long, muscular legs. She looks sleek and strong. Some women at my table were whisper-shouting from about six feet away from her that she was too skinny and refused to take a full serving of dessert and claimed the piece she took was 90 calories. I was sitting there thinking, "Seriously?!" but said, "Sounds about right - I logged it at about 330." They looked at me and said, "You're LOGGING today?" and stopped talking about people getting too skinny. Instead, they went to walk around the block to try to make their Fit Bits happy. And no, I'm not in junior high school - everyone involved was over 35 years old, and by a fair amount in some cases!

    I'm guessing your friend is just jealous, and I don't think it's possible to look sick if you're strong and healthy. Let your doctor be the judge of whether you are underweight or "look ill." Good luck!
  • COliver416
    COliver416 Posts: 87 Member
    My dad's side of the family has been fat, I've gone from 347 to 220 and all I hear is, "You need to stop losing weight, it's so unhealthy."

    I'm nearly 6'1, my goal weight is between 185 to 195, with a body building phase afterwards to bring me back up to 210 to 215.

    I've gained so much by losing so much weight. I've become healthier, stronger, faster, have more endurance, have more strength, and have had a healthier year all around (I was sick once since I started working out). And yet, they go see me accomplishing something they have neither the want nor the will to do (at this time at least), and thus prefer to denigrate it as unhealthy or bad. The first time I listened and got discouraged, now, I ignore. Let haters hate.

    They're annoying words come both from love and concern, and from fear and envy.
  • BekaBooluvsu
    BekaBooluvsu Posts: 470 Member
    Yeah, my brother does that to me. His wife weighs 100-115 and has an ED. He doesn't want me to be near his wife's weight.
    I am 5'6" tall and my goal is 130 which according to charts I'd be in the middle of the "Healthy weight" range.

    Point is: Ignore them all. If you done the research on the charts and find that's a suitable weight range for you then I say GO FOR IT! You have to do what is good for you. If we listen to others than that will only make us hinder our progress.
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
    I had people tell me they were worried about how much I was losing, along the way. I had people tell me not to lose any more. I had someone tell me not to lose any more when I was still closer to obesity than a healthy weight. Knowing the woman who told me that, I know it wasn't out of spite or jealousy, but genuine concern. I wouldn't always jump to the conclusion that people are jealous or "haters" if they say things like this. The thing is, people get used to you looking a certain way. Then you lose weight and you look different, and even if they think you look better, they can't picture you thinner again than you are now. And sometimes, people do look healthier in their faces when they're overweight. Honestly, I think I do. My body is a good weight/size but my face looks, not gaunt exactly, but more drawn than when I was bigger.

    On top of that, I think we are all getting used to people in general being bigger. Overweight is more acceptable, people who are obese are just considered overweight. A lot of people are genuinely shocked to find out they are considered medically obese.

    As long as you are healthy - physically and mentally - and your goal is healthy, I wouldn't worry about it. Just carry on doing your thing. I've found that nobody comments any more and to e honest, I think people start to forget how big you were before. Again, people get used to how you look. It's possible there is some jealousy/envy involved with your friend, but if she experienced her sister having an eating disorder, she may just be clouded by that. If it really bothers you, sit her down and explain to her that your goal is truly a healthy one. Otherwise, just don't discuss your weight loss with her any more.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    This content has been removed.
  • Go_Mizzou99
    Go_Mizzou99 Posts: 2,628 Member
    I have "looked ill" for over 2 years now. Welcome to the club :drinker:
  • motivatedmartha
    motivatedmartha Posts: 1,108 Member
    I had people tell me they were worried about how much I was losing, along the way. I had people tell me not to lose any more. I had someone tell me not to lose any more when I was still closer to obesity than a healthy weight. Knowing the woman who told me that, I know it wasn't out of spite or jealousy, but genuine concern. I wouldn't always jump to the conclusion that people are jealous or "haters" if they say things like this. The thing is, people get used to you looking a certain way. Then you lose weight and you look different, and even if they think you look better, they can't picture you thinner again than you are now. And sometimes, people do look healthier in their faces when they're overweight. Honestly, I think I do. My body is a good weight/size but my face looks, not gaunt exactly, but more drawn than when I was bigger.

    On top of that, I think we are all getting used to people in general being bigger. Overweight is more acceptable, people who are obese are just considered overweight. A lot of people are genuinely shocked to find out they are considered medically obese.

    As long as you are healthy - physically and mentally - and your goal is healthy, I wouldn't worry about it. Just carry on doing your thing. I've found that nobody comments any more and to e honest, I think people start to forget how big you were before. Again, people get used to how you look. It's possible there is some jealousy/envy involved with your friend, but if she experienced her sister having an eating disorder, she may just be clouded by that. If it really bothers you, sit her down and explain to her that your goal is truly a healthy one. Otherwise, just don't discuss your weight loss with her any more.
    I agree with this. Your friends will have grown to love your current looks as part of you - they have to adapt to your change and may see a slimmer face as looking thinner than it really is and possibly 'drawn'. I don't believe it is necessarily down to envy but concern. If they have struggled with weightloss themselves they may not understand how you have lost the weight healthily and safely without resorting to 'drastic' diets. Don't worry about it - you are aiming for a good weight for your height and they will adapt.
  • alli_dalli
    alli_dalli Posts: 22 Member
    Yep, I'm sick to death of it, I don't listen anymore. I am currently two stone overweight but the women I work with (who are all very rotund - probably 3-5 stone overweight) say "You'll look old/gaunt/sick" and all the other negative things they can think of. Just remember a fit, slim, healthy person will never say this to you. Fat people don't want other slimmers to succeed, they want them to fail so that they can justify why they themselves haven't lost the weight. They are also probably the same people who push food on you and say "one piece of cake isn't going to hurt you". Ignore them if you can!
  • Francesca3232
    Francesca3232 Posts: 16 Member
    that is such a shame! 147 is a really sensible goal, as you said its the upper end of healthy and its only a soft goal. If you really did end up looking sick when you get there you can make an adjustment but I'm 5'6 and at 147 I look fine, if anything i always feel like
    I'm still a bit cuddly at 147.
    I had this with one of my best friends when I lost 30lbs, and it isn't much fun, but as with your friend it was all centred in her insecurity, not in my actual appearance. don't let it get you down :)
  • lucylousmummy
    lucylousmummy Posts: 348 Member
    i get this off one friend all the time, i'm also 5'7 and my doctor wants me to aim for 159, and she says i look ill now while i've still got 13lbs to go, i've tried reasoning that i'd like to be a healthy weight for once in my adult life, but she just says i look ill now (which i don't) and if i lose anymore i will look terrible, it gets on my last nerve especially as i know it all stems from jealousy, she's tried and failed so many times to lose weight
    must admit i'm to chicken to tell her my ultimate goal (139lbs) her head would probably explode lol, to be fair there are only 2 people i would listen to, my husband and my mum
    please try to ignore it, and i do know how hard that is especially because it's your friend xx
  • Najia203
    Najia203 Posts: 4 Member
    I had people tell me they were worried about how much I was losing, along the way. I had people tell me not to lose any more. I had someone tell me not to lose any more when I was still closer to obesity than a healthy weight. Knowing the woman who told me that, I know it wasn't out of spite or jealousy, but genuine concern. I wouldn't always jump to the conclusion that people are jealous or "haters" if they say things like this. The thing is, people get used to you looking a certain way. Then you lose weight and you look different, and even if they think you look better, they can't picture you thinner again than you are now. And sometimes, people do look healthier in their faces when they're overweight. Honestly, I think I do. My body is a good weight/size but my face looks, not gaunt exactly, but more drawn than when I was bigger.

    On top of that, I think we are all getting used to people in general being bigger. Overweight is more acceptable, people who are obese are just considered overweight. A lot of people are genuinely shocked to find out they are considered medically obese.

    As long as you are healthy - physically and mentally - and your goal is healthy, I wouldn't worry about it. Just carry on doing your thing. I've found that nobody comments any more and to e honest, I think people start to forget how big you were before. Again, people get used to how you look. It's possible there is some jealousy/envy involved with your friend, but if she experienced her sister having an eating disorder, she may just be clouded by that. If it really bothers you, sit her down and explain to her that your goal is truly a healthy one. Otherwise, just don't discuss your weight loss with her any more.

    I completely agree with this. These replies really amaze me. If you feel like every comment made by a friend is coming from jealousy, I think you should reevaluate your "friendship." Many times people are truly concerned but aren't able to articulate their feelings/thoughts. Conversation is key here. Discuss their concern, assure them that you are losing weight the healthy way, and if they still aren't convinced just tell them to get back to you when you reach your goal weight. End of discussion. I mean, that's how "friends" would handle it, right?. A disagreement or misunderstanding about it shouldn't equate to jealousy. But then again, I'm not loose with the friend label...
  • kk_140
    kk_140 Posts: 518 Member
    Since breaking into the healthy weight range for my height, I've just been getting smaller and getting rid of 'vanity pounds.' My mom comments constantly, "you need to stop losing weight. You'll look to skinny!"
  • GretaGirl8
    GretaGirl8 Posts: 274 Member
    unless your friend has faced issues herself or with loved ones regarding eating disorders, i have no idea why she would make such a comment. she may not even be aware of where her comments are coming from. it could be jealousy or insecurity that you will change (not just your physical self but also how you relate to each other as friends). but any big weight loss inevitably involves a life style change. in time she will realize you are still "you" just a healthier version!
  • peleroja
    peleroja Posts: 3,979 Member
    I don't know about your situation specifically, but it's not always envy that fuels these kind of comments. Sometimes, it's just because you look different and someone isn't used to it. I've been told my face looks gaunt when I'm lighter, but it honestly doesn't...but I have a very round face naturally and when it's not quite so full-moon-esque it freaks people out a bit and they jump to sick/gaunt/hollow/whatever. All that's actually happening is that you can almost see a bit of cheekbone, but the contrast is enough to make people who care about me worry.

    Lose the weight you want to lose and keep it off for a while, and everyone will get used to it and recognize how good you actually look.
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
    I think sometimes the mind just associates weight loss with illness, because illness often does cause weight loss. Once you've been at goal for a while this will probably stop.

    And, then again, some people really do like chubbier people.
  • rebalee8
    rebalee8 Posts: 161 Member
    I try to be kind when people I know love me say stuff to me like this - especially when it's people who don't constantly remind me of my size (like police my plate or comment on how "flattering/unflattering" my fashion choices are).

    I figure, they loved and accepted me as a "normal" person (as opposed to their "really fat friend") the way I was, and it's hard for them to get out of that mindset. So seeing me smaller feels "wrong" to them and makes them worry.

    They'll get used to it eventually, especially with a little reassurance from me that "I feel great - better than I have in years".
  • lottewiegeraad
    lottewiegeraad Posts: 64 Member
    Your goals are perfectly fine.

    I've gotten a few comments like this, too. Especially now that I am fast approaching a normal size. One from a friend who is very thin and always has been - tbh I think she is afraid I'll end up as thin as her as that's always been the advantage she's had over me. That's her own insecurity, not mine. Another from someone who has always struggled with their weight and is currently obese. I assume that one also stems from insecurities.

    It used to upset me but now I take no notice. Nobody EVER told me I was getting too fat when I was heading for obese!! It's only now that I'm being successful and getting fit and healthy that people feel the need to tell me stop. I'm not doing this for anybody but myself, so I try to brush the comments off.


    Amen!!!
  • fireytiger
    fireytiger Posts: 236 Member
    I often have well meaning family and friends who tell me that I look fine, and I don't need to lose weight, even though i'm obese. Most of my family is also obese, diabetic, and unhealthy, so as far as I'm concerned, what do they know about my health? My husband often tells me that while he agrees I need to lose weight, he doesn't want me shooting for my goal of 170 (which is actually still considered barely overweight), because he doesn't think it's realistic. I'm doing it anyway. :P
  • FJcntdwn2sknyluv
    FJcntdwn2sknyluv Posts: 651 Member
    Yup!! got "personally you look too thin to me." ... this weekend, from a friend who is struggling with a morbidly obese 13 year old daughter, who she has to lock food up from!.. This is the second time she has told me something stupid, last summer it was 'Your looking gaunt'.. which as you can see from my profile pic I'm not an have never been....
    I was one of the fatter people in the group and now i'm one of the thinner ones, I've lost when everyone has gained over the years.. it's just jealousy!

    You keep on with your bad self and being fit and ignore her!
  • Katleskin
    Katleskin Posts: 111 Member
    Thanks for all the perspectives everyone. I do agree that her comments (and other similar ones) don't automatically equate with jealousy and, having seen her sister suffer with an ED, I can totally understand why she might be concerned for someone else she cares about. Though, if she was primarily bothered about the 'health' aspect of my weight loss I would have expected her to ask pertinent questions rather than just flip out over my proposed target. To be honest, I think it is probably a bit of both envy and concern, but I'm trusting it comes from a good place because she's a good person.

    If and when conversation comes round to the topic of my weight loss again I will take pains to reassure her how sensible I am being, how the weight loss is coming steadily, through healthy eating and moderate exercise, that I want to be 'fit' not 'thin' and that I'll still be the same person at 147lbs as I was at 200lbs+. If she still persists in telling me I'm on the wrong track I will just tell her we're going to have to agree to disagree and leave it at that. She's otherwise a fabulous friend so I'm hoping she just needs a bit of time to get used to the 'new me' and that once she sees I'm perfectly healthy she'll quit worrying. I'd prefer it if she didn't think I looked 'ill' though but I'm definitely not doing this to please other people so tough.

    I'm glad my target seems sensible to you guys, if anything I thought I was erring on the side of not losing enough but, as I say, it's a soft target.
  • leggup
    leggup Posts: 2,942 Member
    I'm 5'11 and my goal is 149, so you're perfectly healthy aiming for 147.

    It sounds like your friend is insecure, not vindictively trying to keep you as her 'fat friend.' You can't make her see that 147 is a healthy goal. I know it hurts to be told you're being unhealthy when you're being as healthy as possible (losing weight the right way). They say that misery loves company.
  • IIIIISerenityNowIIIII
    IIIIISerenityNowIIIII Posts: 425 Member
    I think a lot of those comments come from having a skewed sense of health. Since so many people are overweight, our idea of a normal body tends to actually be a slightly overweight body. That's why when we see thinner people who have a healthy bmi, so many people comment that the person looks starved.

Categories