I'm scared...

LouLouBeans
LouLouBeans Posts: 30
in Introduce Yourself
I’m not new to MFP, but I’ve never been brave enough to post anything before. I’m starting to get desperate, and since I don’t really have an outlet in my personal life, I thought I might try here.

I was never thin or healthy throughout most of my younger years, but looking back I was by no means “fat” like I thought I was. By 4th grade I had reached my full height of 5’3” and started filling out- WAY earlier than the other girls, so I already felt large. I think my heaviest back then was 155lbs. By 16 I became obsessed with losing weight, and bounced around from over-exercising, to eating nothing but broccoli twice a day, to binge-eating, to Atkins, back to binge-eating.

When I reached my early twenties I was suffering through an emotionally abusive relationship, and essentially dropped everything and moved away to escape it. I had been cut off from the world at that point, and as I started getting out back into it and making new friends I ended up meeting a few people that I really wanted to improve myself for. I started running every day, in addition to working out every other day, eating very sensibly (never starving), and really took care of my appearance. Not kidding, if I went out of the house I regularly had guys flirting/staring, and would regularly get cat calls when I went running. I only weighed myself occasionally, but I think the lowest I ever got to was around 125lbs. So over the course of Spring/Summer terms at school, I lost about 30lbs or so.

I met my current boyfriend during this time. Over the course of our relationship, I stopped taking care of myself. He was never fitness-oriented, and he admits he has no idea what that means. Thinks going for a run is the equivalent to running as fast as he can up and down the street a few times, and that eating healthy means subbing a protein bar for a meal. So needless to say, my super-fit, super-hot self went out the door. By our three-month anniversary I shot up to 170lbs.

Two years later, I am now hovering just shy of 200lbs, and I am scared to (and of) death. It’s hard to move, hard to walk, even hard to breathe now. My current job keeps me at home most of the time, and due to my location I don’t feel safe leaving the house to go for a simple walk. My boyfriend is trying to be sympathetic, but admits he has no idea how to help, and asks me what I want out of him. Multiple times I have tried explaining to him about making healthier choices, and what exactly that means, but by the end of the day he falls back on old habits, and I don’t think it’s my responsibility to nag him. So I just go with it and eat half the large pizza he brings home at least twice a week.

I am 26 years old and am well aware if this keeps up, I will die. I’m scared and stressed, and the only thing that takes my mind off of it is eating. I can’t even count the amount of times I have started up MFP- as soon as 5lbs are lost, I just give up, and I can’t pinpoint why. So I’m trying again, and maybe by publicly posting I will have to hold myself accountable? All I know is that this can’t go on…

Too Long; Didn’t Read Version: Was large, then not, now larger, long vent, sad face.

Replies

  • MrsJennaKwasniewski
    MrsJennaKwasniewski Posts: 204 Member
    I feel the same way in regards to posting to fell accountable in some way. When i first started MFP i did it with my bestfriend and only her and I were friends with eachother. Well I am all about getting friends now and being held accountable! I have been weighing in every week and even though that bar shoots up every now and again, the important thing is the overall achievements we make. It's never to late to start or restart! I am glad you are back and we can totally be friends! Good luck and God bless!
  • carrierose2
    carrierose2 Posts: 38 Member
    Welcome:) And good for you for looking for additional support. This is a great site for extra motivation. I too have been trying to do this alone for so long now. It reallly helps with everyone's encouraging words everyday. Don't get discouraged. It will take some time. I personally have it in my head that it will take at least a year to lose 50lbs. I figure if I set my goals to early and I don't reach them I will get upset so if I reach them early I will be super excited. If you work hard and count your calories you will see results and it will mean so much more than losing a bunch on a fad diet because you worked so hard for them. Congrats on getting out there and meeting some new people to help you. You can do this!
  • almostplenty
    almostplenty Posts: 43 Member
    You can only control your own actions, not others. Just because your boyfriend chooses not to make healthy choices doesn't mean you can't. Let him eat his pizza and prepare your own food separately. You never know, maybe when he sees you making changes and succeeding he will join you. Or maybe he won't. But that's on him, not you.

    If you can't leave the house you stay at home and do push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, lunges, lift hand-weights, etc. Do you have a TV? Try a home fitness program like Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. If you have enough room to do a jumping jack you have enough room to exercise at home.

    It is going to be difficult at first. It will be more comfortable and easier to just keep doing what you are doing and continue to gain weight. But I promise if you start changing your lifestyle now, it will get easier.
  • AlyssamR6712
    AlyssamR6712 Posts: 114 Member
    i completely understand, i was never the fittest person, but i wasnt fat either, then i got married and shot up to 165 (i am 4'11"). i am in the military so i have to stay fit. i almost failed my physical fitness test so it really turned a switch for me. i deployed and got my but into gear (weight lifting & a bit of cardio) i lost 30lbs. when i got home i was so scared that i would go back into my "old" ways because i know how my husband eats. but i took initiative and said here is the deal... i am gonna buy all this healthy food and you can put all your "junk" food in a cabinet where i cant reach/see it. bottom line i eat clean and be healthy all on my own. my husband doesn't really care about his health and eats whatever he wants. He is the cook in the family so if we are having chicken, he will fry his and then bake or grill mine for me.you just have to know what you want and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I KNOW what I WANT and I KNOW that the way he eats isnt the way to get there. yes, its hard when its only one sided.. but it is not impossible! YOU CAN DO THIS!

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    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Nutrition Facts For Foods
  • mom2tm
    mom2tm Posts: 25 Member
    When I first started using MFP it was just me with a couple of my friends being friends on here, and found we all fell off the wagon. I then started posting in the forums and got additional 'friends'. It has been GREAT! I am encouraged by them (and I hope them by me) and have gotten some great advise when it comes to health and fitness.
    Feel free to add me!
  • oceanpumkin
    oceanpumkin Posts: 5
    Hi really new to MFP and looking for support too! Before I start I have to say I had a gastric band just over a week ago.
    Have you tried braking it down into sections?
    such as this week I'm aiming to loose 3 lbs. It's easier to see smaller amounts and you get that self good feeling of reaching that goal.
  • LANIESC2002
    LANIESC2002 Posts: 1
    I am right there with you. Thin entire life, then thyroid problems and the weight suddenly appeared. I have tried diets and exercise, get motivated and then just give up. I logged back on today for first time in months. Entered my food diary and realized, I am overeating. I do need to exercise. Don't give up. Good for you for writing. This is my first time on the Message Board also and I am responding to you to let you know you are not alone. We can do it, just small steps. :smile:
  • 4aces61
    4aces61 Posts: 292 Member
    Ok, so some questions here. What kind of shape is your BF in? Regardless, would he be interested in working out with you, and you him? Could the 2 of you go to a gym together? Or even go out for a nice walk? That way you wouldn't have to worry about feeling unsafe in your journey. Do either of you cook, and if so, what types of foods?
  • kuolo
    kuolo Posts: 251 Member
    I'm not sure I have any great words of wisdom but I can offer you my support if that's any use. Sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and alone with it which is never a nice place to be. Can you take control over the parts of your eating that you don't do with your boyfriend, so even if you have that pizza at least you will have eaten well some of the time? Plus sometimes not having an all-or-nothing mentality can help, as no-one can be perfect all the time, and even small steps will get you there eventually. If it's not all-or-nothing (or good vs bad) but a gradual/grey area kind of thing, you might be less likely to feel bad/stressed and give up (I hope that makes sense, feel like I'm not explaining myself very well!). And the more control you feel like you have over the eating, the less stressed you will feel (and yes, exercise will help with this enormously - if you look on youtube there are lots of free videos including Jillian Michaels). So it will get easier over time, too, even if the beginning is rough, the important bit is to be kind to yourself and just keep ploughing on, changing the bits you can change and letting go of the bad stuff. And praise yourself for the stuff you do, however small!

    ETA: I loved your TL:DR version :laugh:
  • LouLouBeans
    LouLouBeans Posts: 30
    Thank you everyone for your kind words and wisdom. I feel so much better already, and at least the weight of worry isn't holding me down right now :)

    To answer questions (if I miss yours, whoops!), yes I do own a TV, and I actually felt motivated to use it today after I posted! Back in my 125lb range I would get a list of Dance Central tutorials on YouTube, and try to follow along on my little laptop. Now we've got a nice big TV with HDMI hookup, so I brought out the video list and spent about 20 minutes hopping around the living room :) We also own DDR, which is OK, but I find it boring after while (yes, even on hard mode…). I do own a few exercise DVDs of various types, one of them being the 30 day shred, which I tried last summer. I found myself (jokingly) asking “But why, Jillian, why can’t I just do bicep curls??” I didn’t have a problem with the intensity, and actually found it fun, but after the first week my right knee was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk on it properly for 2-3 months afterwards. So I’ve stayed away from Jillian since then :(

    Boyfriend is not in great shape (not as bad as I am, but he’s the heaviest he’s ever been), acknowledges it, but has no strong desire to change. When I start off on a nutritional/fitness program, he’s all gung-ho about joining me… until he realizes that it’s harder than it sounds. As for working out with each other, that’s been tried and failed many times with us. Last time he essentially begged and pleaded that we go out for a 2.5 mile hike every day. I said ok, that’s fine. He hasn’t walked farther than to his car and back in about a year, but if he is really serious I would do it with him. After maybe 20 steps he asks if I want to jog the whole way (I said no please, let’s walk the first few times). Every ¼ mile he needs a break and sits down for 5 minutes, which is fine with me, I just jog in place till he’s ready. Next day I tell him “OK, ready to go?” and the response is always, “you go ahead, I’m too tired.” But if I do go he’s upset because he works all day and says he feels like we never spend time with each other. So I stay in to make him happy.

    As far as cooking, I burn water. But, I can also boil water, so I can make pasta and rice. I can also make eggs and toast decently (we own ducks, so plenty of eggs to be had), and I’m handy with ideas for fun seasonal salads. Boyfriend is a BBQ pro, which is great for him, but I don’t eat much meat.

    I’m not deliberately trying to rag on my boyfriend, really I’m not! He’s a wonderful person and I can’t imagine life without him! But since we live together and are very integrated into each other’s lives, a lot of this I feel either affects him or has to do with him, and while I try to break away just to focus on me, he tends to cling even harder.

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