revelation: food is not the enemy

so after trying over and over to eat only 800-1000 cals/day (always under Dr. supervision), I listened to a friend of mine and upped my calorie intake. Oh- did i forget to mention i would continuously fail at hitting my goal consistently? and i would go on total binges and just not care, and then feel ashamed, guilty, and just awful.

ao anyway- last week i listened to a friend of mine, and actually upped my calorie intake. and two things happened: one, i either met or was closer to meeting my goals, which made me feel really good. secondly, i actually lost weight for the first time in forever! Only 2 lbs, but that's what they say you should lose. I was trying to lose like 5 lbs/wk, and i'd done it before on this all meaty crazy low diet, but of course i couldn't sustain eating like that.

today i was updating my blog and it hit me- i have a totally new way of looking at food. this was the first person i knew and trusted who actually told me it was "ok" for me to eat food. she didn't expect me to do anything drastic, and said i could actually eat and still lose weight.

i've always had a love-hate relationship with food. i was actually bulimic from 12-21, and that was the only way I'd ever known to maintain my weight. I even tried throwing up again recently, but it was a lot harder than i remember, and i know deep down it isn't healthy. but, that was the only way i had ever been a halfway"normal" size. i was still heavier, a size 10, but i was more normal then.

but when i was that weight i felt like i weighed and looked like i do now. it's weird. i hate my body now, and i hate being so fat, but i'm probably more comfortable with myself now than i was in my teens and early 20's.

anyway, it's just so freeing to feel like there is a simple plan to losing weight that i can stick with and still lose. i ate whenever i was hungry, i keep snacks around, i'm not focusing on eating super high amounts of protein or super low carbs, i'm just watching cals and i'm seeing results.

i realized i don't have to hate food so much. it's ok to eat when you're hungry. i'm not saying to eat everything in sight, but you don't have to feel so deprived and unsatisfied all the time.

anyway- this was just a completely life-altering realization for me, and i thought i'd share.

my current goal is to lose 2 lbs/wk for the next 13.5 mos. I am getting married June 20, 2015. But, if i lose 2 lbs/wk until then, I'll be down 100 lbs by my wedding. that's huge. It's not quite my goal weight, but it's a lot closer. and this is something i can stick with and maintain and actually be successful at. I know I still have 98 lbs to go, but i'm feeling pretty darn optimistic.