Coffee, champagne, boobs, and dough (both kinds)?

TallGlassOfQuirky
TallGlassOfQuirky Posts: 282 Member
in Chit-Chat
The absolute only thing at all that this post has to do with MFP is that I met my soon-to-be husband on here.

Other than that, it's wedding etiquette. Probably better asked on a bridal forum, but who could possibly answer my questions better than someone who just gave a profound response to the "The person above you! Bang, pass, or tickle until they pee and then take pictures and post them on Instagram" thread?

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

Issue 1: I am getting married here in SLC in July. I am not Mormon. My fiancee is not Mormon. His stepsister, who is hosting our wedding (and a small dessert reception) in her backyard, is Mormon, as is about 75% of our guest list as, well, we are in the LDS capital of the world.
So here's my first two-part question: Would it be acceptable to serve coffee at the reception, even though Mormons don't drink coffee, and would it be acceptable for us (just the bride and groom) to toast with champagne, or do we have to stick to sparkling cider for everyone, including us? So there is no coffee or alcohol on the premises at all?

Issue 2: None of my family lives anywhere near us. Both sisters (they will be bridesmaids, and my nieces will be flower girls) live in different areas on the east coast and my parents live in southern Arizona. It's not exactly a quick or cheap trip to make it to my wedding. One of my sisters couldn't afford the flight, so we had to get it for her. She also can't afford a dress, so I have to buy that for her.
That leads to my next questions: If I am buying one bridesmaid's dress, am I obligated either by etiquette or just human decency to pay for the other two? And since the third bridesmaid is LDS and has to have a modest dress (shoulders, chest, and most of her legs covered), do I also have to pick modest dresses for my sisters?
Also, do I have to pay for the flower girl dresses?

And one last question - since we're just doing a small dessert reception, we aren't sure if that means we just give them cake and a variety of sugary deliciousness, or if we also should include more savory finger foods, like cheese and crackers and deli meats?

Replies

  • tegalicious
    tegalicious Posts: 629
    First of all I am not LDS. But I have been told that there are levels of severity within the faith where some can have caffeine and some can't. It is your wedding though so if you want coffee serve it! Maybe have a decaf option? And 100% toast with champagne. But have a nonalcoholic option as well.
  • TallGlassOfQuirky
    TallGlassOfQuirky Posts: 282 Member
    The host drinks soda (a lot of the not-super-strict LDS do), but not coffee. About half, if I were to guess, of the guests are about the same, but the other half are a lot more strict.
  • g44219
    g44219 Posts: 3,665 Member
    I am lds but not a very active member. My advice is that it is your wedding serve what you would like. The word of wisdom that the active lds members live by is not consuming coffee, tea, alcohol, or tobacco. It also states what type of diet you should try to maintain. In my opinion, they shouldn't be offended by what you serve at your wedding because you do not have these same beliefs. Not every lds member keeps the word of wisdom, a large majority do. There will be some there, that may drink coffee or tea or alcohol but may not do it in front of other church members. lol they are just like other church members in other denominations. If you and your soon to be husband would like to have a toast with an alcoholic beverage or have a cup of coffee later, I think you should. I would offer alternatives, sparkling grap juice, or hot chocolate, or whatever you decide. Some do not drink soda's or any caffeine. It's not because it is a church doctorine, it's usually because of personal conviction or maybe they have made a personal committment not to.
  • g44219
    g44219 Posts: 3,665 Member
    Oh I forgot to speak on boobs :P. I'm not sure what to tell ya. I think I would put them all in modest dresses. I'd want all eyes on you anyway. :) I'd want the bride to be the center of attention and not one of my brides maids with great cleavage. ;)
  • ThinkInOregon
    ThinkInOregon Posts: 283
    I know a LDS couple who owns a pizza restaurant. They serve coffee, tea and alcohol there. I thought that was odd, but it's economics. Many people want a beer with their pizza, and I believe once they got their liquor license their business increased.

    This is your memory you are creating. I think if you have options for all to enjoy that is what matters!
  • abrockhausen
    abrockhausen Posts: 35 Member
    Just my $0.02

    Issue 1: It is your wedding, if you want champagne and coffee have it. IMO you are respecting their religous beliefs by offering alternatives. None should expect you to abide by their beliefs. As for the modesty of the dress, again your wedding, your moment and memories. Probably would avoid any really revealing dresses but no need to match. Perhaps allow all of the bridesmaid to have a different style dress in the same color. Everyone is comfortable and the Mormon bridesmaid doesn't feel singled out as different.

    Issue 2: If your finances are unlimited then offer to pay if you want. If that is not the case then I would say there is no need to offer. If the other sister can afford the trip and dress she should understand that you are helping the sister that can't.

    Here is a good idea of what is traditionally paid for and by whom:

    http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/414-traditionally-who-pays-for-what
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I guess it depends on the host.

    But, it is your wedding. I'm sure lds members are accustomed to mixed company and events. So, I agree with the others to have what you want and provide other options.

    For dresses either have them all in the same style or all different. It might be odd if two are in the same style and only one is different. But, they could be hot in July. So, maybe any option would be fine. I don't know about paying.

    The food is your choice. But, some people might be hungry and not want only sweets.
  • TallGlassOfQuirky
    TallGlassOfQuirky Posts: 282 Member
    I guess I should clear up that our finances are pretty limited and that we are planning only a brief (two hours or less) reception in the later evening, so it's not like we are cutting into a normal dinner time (hence the dessert reception, but I don't know if dessert receptions usually include savory as well as sweet).
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    I guess I should clear up that our finances are pretty limited and that we are planning only a brief (two hours or less) reception in the later evening, so it's not like we are cutting into a normal dinner time (hence the dessert reception, but I don't know if dessert receptions usually include savory as well as sweet).

    I don't know either. If it's a dessert reception then desserts are probably enough.

    You aren't required to pay for everyone's dress. Maybe get them each a gift of a piece of jewelry to wear with the dress? I'm no wedding expert.
  • TallGlassOfQuirky
    TallGlassOfQuirky Posts: 282 Member
    I guess I should clear up that our finances are pretty limited and that we are planning only a brief (two hours or less) reception in the later evening, so it's not like we are cutting into a normal dinner time (hence the dessert reception, but I don't know if dessert receptions usually include savory as well as sweet).

    I don't know either. If it's a dessert reception then desserts are probably enough.

    You aren't required to pay for everyone's dress. Maybe get them each a gift of a piece of jewelry to wear with the dress? I'm no wedding expert.
    I know a gift is typically given to each bridesmaid and I am planning to make them necklaces, which can also be worn for the wedding.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    That's nice!

    Congratulations!
  • Flab2Fab27
    Flab2Fab27 Posts: 461 Member
    The absolute only thing at all that this post has to do with MFP is that I met my soon-to-be husband on here.

    Other than that, it's wedding etiquette. Probably better asked on a bridal forum, but who could possibly answer my questions better than someone who just gave a profound response to the "The person above you! Bang, pass, or tickle until they pee and then take pictures and post them on Instagram" thread?

    Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

    Issue 1: I am getting married here in SLC in July. I am not Mormon. My fiancee is not Mormon. His stepsister, who is hosting our wedding (and a small dessert reception) in her backyard, is Mormon, as is about 75% of our guest list as, well, we are in the LDS capital of the world.
    So here's my first two-part question: Would it be acceptable to serve coffee at the reception, even though Mormons don't drink coffee, and would it be acceptable for us (just the bride and groom) to toast with champagne, or do we have to stick to sparkling cider for everyone, including us? So there is no coffee or alcohol on the premises at all?

    Issue 2: None of my family lives anywhere near us. Both sisters (they will be bridesmaids, and my nieces will be flower girls) live in different areas on the east coast and my parents live in southern Arizona. It's not exactly a quick or cheap trip to make it to my wedding. One of my sisters couldn't afford the flight, so we had to get it for her. She also can't afford a dress, so I have to buy that for her.
    That leads to my next questions: If I am buying one bridesmaid's dress, am I obligated either by etiquette or just human decency to pay for the other two? And since the third bridesmaid is LDS and has to have a modest dress (shoulders, chest, and most of her legs covered), do I also have to pick modest dresses for my sisters?
    Also, do I have to pay for the flower girl dresses?

    And one last question - since we're just doing a small dessert reception, we aren't sure if that means we just give them cake and a variety of sugary deliciousness, or if we also should include more savory finger foods, like cheese and crackers and deli meats?

    Serve what you want at the wedding. If you had vegetarian guests attending would you not allow meat options for the others that choose to eat meat? I would for sure include coffee and alcohol. If people don't want to drink it, provide alternatives.

    If one bridesmaid can't afford certain things, you've already done enough by paying and it doesn't mean you have to pay for every bodies dresses. You're paying for more than enough at the moment. If possible, I'd make sure you paying for the one is kept between you two to avoid awkwardness.

    And as for the types of dresses, that should be up to you- the bride, with input from the bridesmaids taken into consideration. If you're ok with one wearing sleeves and the others not, go for it. You could also just pick a colour and have them choose their own dress types so it doesn't single one out while standing beside you.

    As for the food, not sure if you mean you aren't serving a meal but if not, a selection of appetizers is a must IMO. The last thing you want is hangry guests...

    Edited for typos
  • tzig00
    tzig00 Posts: 875 Member
    Let me start out saying I'm not LDS so I don't really have a clue as to what the "protocol" is but here's my thoughts:

    Issue 1: Check with the host. As with any wedding reception there are rules and regulations that you have to abide by. Think of it as your "venue" and ultimately they're letting you use their space (if I'm reading it correctly). If the host does not want these things there, that's their right and you have to abide by it.

    Issue 2: I would have the girls all have the same colors and purchase different dresses, maybe have them all long dresses and some sort of straps or sleeves for the other 2. I would only pay for the 1 that you're helping out and tell them it's a birthday present or something so that if it gets out that you did that, you would be able to say it was a gift for something. I purchased my flower girls dresses in both of my weddings but they weren't crazy expensive. The last one I found was on a garage sale site and was only $10, so if you choose to purchase them I would look into that or a sale rack somewhere or have them made by someone cheaper.

    Issue 3: A dessert reception is just that, desserts. I am a personal fan of an ice cream bar reception where you get to pick your ice cream and make sundays.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
    1. I grew up LDS as did my husband (we met at a bar however) so half the guests at our wedding were LDS. We did serve alcohol and coffee. I'd check with the host but if it's alright with her go for the coffee and booze.

    2. No. You don't have to pay for all the dresses, you don't have to mention to the others that you are paying for the one. As long as you are okay with non-matching bridesmaids dress, no they do not all have to fit Mormon standards. You could also just pick a color and let them show up in whatever dress you they can find. I think even if they happen to be different tones of red or whatever it'll look fine for a casual wedding.

    3. Just sweets sounds good to me.
  • tiggerhammon
    tiggerhammon Posts: 2,211 Member
    I am LDS and live in Utah ('bout 5 hrs south of you.)

    Coffee: go ahead and serve it. Nobody is being forced to drink it. Have some juice there too.

    Dress: just because you are paying for one dress does not mean you have to pay for the other two. With the girl that is LDS - no you do not have to pay for her dress but you should not require her to wear something outside her comfort zone. No, this does not mean the other girls have to dress to her standards. Why can't one dress have sleeves and the other not?

    Food: your reception, you do what you want. Personally, if a dessert theme is what you had planned and want to do, stick with it - regardless of what others say or think.
  • abrockhausen
    abrockhausen Posts: 35 Member
    I guess I should clear up that our finances are pretty limited and that we are planning only a brief (two hours or less) reception in the later evening, so it's not like we are cutting into a normal dinner time (hence the dessert reception, but I don't know if dessert receptions usually include savory as well as sweet).

    Since te reception is later in the evening I think a dessert only recepton is lovely. I have attended one before and it was very nice.
  • HerkMeOff
    HerkMeOff Posts: 1,002 Member
    I think you're WAY over thinking this.
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  • LKuderna
    LKuderna Posts: 31 Member
    I was reading your post and the responses, I am so impressed by your consideration. So many young brides-to-be should learn from you. I really don't know the ins and outs of etiquette, but your responder that suggested Emily Post is right on. I think she's the last word on that subject. Congratulations on your marriage, and I wish you and your fiancee a lifetime of happiness! He is so lucky to have found you:)
  • elusive_design
    elusive_design Posts: 1,095 Member
    Serve your coffee and toast with your champagne! People with restricted diets live with these things around them every day and typically are not going to be offended if you don't share that restriction. As for purchasing a dress for a bridesmaid.. It's not favoritism or anything of the like and you shouldn't feel obligated or guilty about not doing so for anyone else. The last wedding I attended as a groomsman the groom covered my costs to travel and stay in Ireland for a week, Im fairly certain he didn't do that for anyone else. It's kinda common. :) Congratulations and may you two have many, many years of happiness to come!

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