Um, what?
SillaWinchester
Posts: 363 Member
So I have a friend that I hang out with almost every day. This friend and I used to go out to eat (Red Robin, El Mirador, Taco Bell, Subway..) pretty much every day before I decided I wanted to get healthy. She decided she'd like to get healthy too so we joined a gym and for a while, we were going every day, cooking healthy meals and were completely on track.
Recently though, it seems she's hit a rut. She is constantly wanting to eat take-out and making any excuse to not go to the gym. This is her choice, of course, but my problem is that she drags into her unhealthy choices. We're best friends so we do pretty much everything together, but it seems our lifestyles are much different and she gets angry about it.
Just now, she said she wanted Taco Bell and offered me some but I kindly denied saying, "No thanks, I just ate dinner and I'm stuffed!" She replied, "Well you can have a drink or something small to eat." I said, "Sure, I'll have a water and I'll sit with you but no thanks to the food." She said, "You're going to eat something! And even if you say no I'm going to buy you something and you can eat it." I replied, "No, I'm completely full, I don't want anything." And she continued to press the fact that she is getting something for me and I /have/ to eat it. She wouldn't take no for an answer.
It's like this all the time. And it's not enough that I say I'll accompany her to these places, she gets offended.
My question to you is: How would you handle this kind of situation?
She's coming back now and she's ordered me something but I simply don't want to eat it. I'm full, over my calorie limit and not interested in eating that right now. But obviously, she won't take no for an answer. I'm trying to be kind and I don't see why she's making this a big deal.
I recognize that change isn't easy and that she probably isn't handling this very well, but it's like she wants to drag me back into our old ways just because she doesn't want to go alone.
Recently though, it seems she's hit a rut. She is constantly wanting to eat take-out and making any excuse to not go to the gym. This is her choice, of course, but my problem is that she drags into her unhealthy choices. We're best friends so we do pretty much everything together, but it seems our lifestyles are much different and she gets angry about it.
Just now, she said she wanted Taco Bell and offered me some but I kindly denied saying, "No thanks, I just ate dinner and I'm stuffed!" She replied, "Well you can have a drink or something small to eat." I said, "Sure, I'll have a water and I'll sit with you but no thanks to the food." She said, "You're going to eat something! And even if you say no I'm going to buy you something and you can eat it." I replied, "No, I'm completely full, I don't want anything." And she continued to press the fact that she is getting something for me and I /have/ to eat it. She wouldn't take no for an answer.
It's like this all the time. And it's not enough that I say I'll accompany her to these places, she gets offended.
My question to you is: How would you handle this kind of situation?
She's coming back now and she's ordered me something but I simply don't want to eat it. I'm full, over my calorie limit and not interested in eating that right now. But obviously, she won't take no for an answer. I'm trying to be kind and I don't see why she's making this a big deal.
I recognize that change isn't easy and that she probably isn't handling this very well, but it's like she wants to drag me back into our old ways just because she doesn't want to go alone.
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Replies
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I would bring it up and take full blame so I didn't offend her like " no thank I ate like a pig im over my calories limit."
You are exactly right. Misery loves company. ( not saying your friend is miserable) but im sure it would make her feel a lot better on the fact that she is slipping back if you slip too. And if you guys started together its going to shine this massive light on the fact that shes not and she isn't going to like that.
I would try to tip toe around her feelings if you really feel the need to but when it comes down to it. you are going to have to put your foot down whether she is mad or not.0 -
by the way when I say I would take full blame I do not mean that you are doing anything wrong. Its just something I do personally when I feel like the other person cant handle the honest conversation. the " I" centered conversation makes people feel less threatened.0
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I think it's time to be blunt with her and tell her you are not going to ruin your diet/deficit for some fast food just because she chooses to.0
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Sorry to hear about your unsupportive best friend.
I think this is a time where you need to decide if you want to give up on the changes you have made or give up on the non-healthy friendship.
When I started this with my best friend at the time, like you we worked out together, would go out to eat and make decent choices, then he stopped going to the gym (one of those people that try to do too much too soon and then get injured), one day we met to go for a walk and he brought me some McDonalds food. In the 20+ years that we have known each other I doubt he has ever seen me eat anything from McDonalds.
As time went by and I kept up my workouts and eating balanced, he reached his highest weight ever and eventually we just parted ways. I think if you hold strong to your changes, your friend will either avoid you or talk about all the changes she us going to make one day - either way the relationship will likely never be the same.0 -
I like LongIsland's approach. it sounds like she knows just how far she can push you, and she's going to keep doing so until you really show her what's what. maybe next time you can tell her no, and then you can leave when she leaves. that way, when she comes back, she'll be alone with all that crap she brought home for the two of you, and you won't have to deal with it.0
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Sounds like your friend is struggling and needs a little extra support. Maybe she feels like she doesn't want to be left behind in the scheme of "health". You could try addressing this subject with her, or simply offer her extra support. Its so hard when those around us seem to make it more difficult to accomplish our goals - think of it as a test. Try not to take it too personally though, just focus on your own goals
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I would definitely be frank about it and say that you can't go out to eat with her anymore if she continues to pressure you into eating. You're being nice by going with her, and she should appreciate that. You should tell her how important you friendship is, but that getting healthy is important too. Since she is your best friend, she should be understanding. Good luck 0
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She feels guilty for doing what she's doing and she wants you to do it with her to help her feel better about her decisions. It's the same with people who pressure others to drink with them.
Tell her No means No and you're disappointed that she's not supporting you during your journey. If she wants to eat stuff that's fine but pressuring you isn't what a best friend should be doing.
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I like LongIsland's approach.
Me three.0 -
Just tell her the truth. It's fine that she doesn’t want to maintain the healthy eating and working out lifestyle but you're still into it. You can still be BFFs without allowing her to sabotage you, whether she knows she's doing it or not, it's still sabotage.0
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It sounds like she's used to people doing what she wants. I would tell her "You're not going to tell me what I'm going to do. If you don't like it, I won't come with you any more". Simple as that. If that hurts her feelings, she has a lot of growing up to do.0
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I will just refuse. She can't shove it down your throat. I agree she's making certain food choices that she feels guilty over and misery wants company. And since telling her nicely hasn't worked, it's time to flat out, bluntly say NO, stop asking!0
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Its perfectly fine to separate your eating habits from your friend's. Don't give someone else control over what you will eat. And don't allow how others feel about what you eat to derail you.
When she offers say no thank you and mean it. If you notice she gets offended then perhaps the decision to decline her offers to go to restaurants is what you need to do. You can always suggest other ways to hang out that don't involve the sharing of meals.0 -
If she buys you something to eat, just tell her she's wasting her money because you're not going to eat it. If she gets mad, that's her problem not yours, because you told her you won't eat it. I agree with the others, if she can't accept that you're not eating, then quit going with her.0
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gosh this is really bizarre, the only one who tries to push food at me is my mum. She is your friend you need to be straight with her. Nothing wrong with her eating and you having your water. I can have a peppermint tea whilst friends are eating in a cafe.0
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If it were me, I would get straight to the point and tell her to respect your decision to stay on the diet. It's pretty lame to have people pressure you like that.
Either that or INSIST she eat a bag of celery. Offer to buy her a bag of celery.0 -
Seems clear that she wants to keep you down with her so she isn't left behind as you get healthy.0
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I would definitely be frank about it and say that you can't go out to eat with her anymore if she continues to pressure you into eating. You're being nice by going with her, and she should appreciate that. You should tell her how important you friendship is, but that getting healthy is important too. Since she is your best friend, she should be understanding. Good luck
+1
Firm, blunt heart to heart talk is in order IMO0 -
I've had friends and co-workers do this to me. Most recently during a lunch meeting, 2 of them were 'yum yum/nomnom'-ing on some chocolate cake that I wasn't eatting and they were doing it specifically to taunt me. So I just said, "do you realize how foolish you look for shoving cake into your mouth while I'm continuing to lose weight and I"m eatting a tasty salad? Yes it's not as good as chocolate, but my 120 lb loss feels better than that cake, i promise you that". They kinda stopped with the food midway to their mouth and looked at me and stopped and apologized and said they were just joking and I let them know that i have a hard enough time battling my own head without them adding to it. Again they apologized and have been supportive since then. These are also 2 people who complain about wanting to lose weight all the time and do nothing about it. Sometimes people need a rude awakening.0
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Sorry you are finding your friend difficult.
You need to talk to her about the problem but may I suggest you do it when it's not immediately contentious. Talk to her about your need to feel healthier and how well you think you're doing at a time when food is not on the immediate agenda. Tell her you would value her support and enjoyed the times you were working on it together and that you don't want to be a diet bore and are happy to accompany her sometimes and chat while she eats. She may feel she has lost her friend to your new regime so perhaps you could join her for a meal sometimes and just make sure you have planned it before.
All of the above depends on how much you value the friendship - after all, it is you that have changed, not her
:flowerforyou:0 -
If she's going to waste money on food for you, knowing that you won't eat it....then when she's done and yours is still sitting there, she can eat that too. She is dismissing what you say to validate her own lack of will power. Stick to your path.....you're doing great.0
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It is possible that this friend does not realize her acts of sabotage. I think the problem really is her guilt and her wanting you to be doing exactly what she is doing. But perhaps she doesn't mean it in a malicious way. It may be subconscious. I would be honest with her, with how you feel. If you are best friends, she will understand. She may seem hurt at first, but given time to think, I think she will be fine.0
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When she brings you the food, throw it in the trash right in front of her.0
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Tell her you're trying really hard to be healthy and ask if she can't be supportive instead of trying to offer you unhealthy foods! She should support and help you in your decision to be healthy, not drag you down..0
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My boyfriend doesn't get off until later in the evening, and brings home fast food a lot. It took him some time (and a lot of wasted money) to stop buying me something. He wasn't being mean or trying to sabotage me, he just thought I might want something. I usually didn't eat it, because I don't need to eat dinner twice. Eventually he just stopped. Your friend is acting pretty weird, though. Just don't eat what she buys you, she'll quite throwing her money in the trash eventually.0
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I agree with what longisland said above. I'd be blunt. Personally I wouldn't be able to avoid it because that sounds so frustrating to deal with.0
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When she walks in graciously take the food- say thank you for being thoughtful and then go throw it away- or feed it to your dog.
And then have a come to jesus talk with her when gets really offended and tell her what you put in your mouth is your buisness (joke joke joke!!!) and she can continue to buy food for you after you explicitly stated you weren't interested than you're going to continue to throw them away.
a little teasing is fine- flat out pushiness is not acceptable.0 -
I have the same problem. Except it's not my best friend. It's my kids. The other day, they dragged me to Chuck-E-Cheese for a school fundraiser. And then I missed a workout because of a PTA meeting. And then the infant had a fever so I couldn't put her down. Blah blah blah.
I don't want to be mean but there will always be something. If it's important, make it a priority. Stop feeling bad about conflicting priorities. It only gets worse. That's why so many people go to the gym at 5am.
If you want to encourage her or incorporate her, see if she's interested in doing some team sports. Softball? Dodgeball? Volleyball? Whatever.0 -
It sounds like she's used to people doing what she wants. I would tell her "You're not going to tell me what I'm going to do. If you don't like it, I won't come with you any more". Simple as that. If that hurts her feelings, she has a lot of growing up to do.
This ^
She is being beyond pushy and needs a seriously firm talking to about how you ARE NOT eating that crap.0 -
So I have a friend that I hang out with almost every day. This friend and I used to go out to eat (Red Robin, El Mirador, Taco Bell, Subway..) pretty much every day before I decided I wanted to get healthy. She decided she'd like to get healthy too so we joined a gym and for a while, we were going every day, cooking healthy meals and were completely on track.
Recently though, it seems she's hit a rut. She is constantly wanting to eat take-out and making any excuse to not go to the gym. This is her choice, of course, but my problem is that she drags into her unhealthy choices. We're best friends so we do pretty much everything together, but it seems our lifestyles are much different and she gets angry about it.
Just now, she said she wanted Taco Bell and offered me some but I kindly denied saying, "No thanks, I just ate dinner and I'm stuffed!" She replied, "Well you can have a drink or something small to eat." I said, "Sure, I'll have a water and I'll sit with you but no thanks to the food." She said, "You're going to eat something! And even if you say no I'm going to buy you something and you can eat it." I replied, "No, I'm completely full, I don't want anything." And she continued to press the fact that she is getting something for me and I /have/ to eat it. She wouldn't take no for an answer.
It's like this all the time. And it's not enough that I say I'll accompany her to these places, she gets offended.
My question to you is: How would you handle this kind of situation?
She's coming back now and she's ordered me something but I simply don't want to eat it. I'm full, over my calorie limit and not interested in eating that right now. But obviously, she won't take no for an answer. I'm trying to be kind and I don't see why she's making this a big deal.
I recognize that change isn't easy and that she probably isn't handling this very well, but it's like she wants to drag me back into our old ways just because she doesn't want to go alone.
You can always pull a shrink move and ask her why it's so important that you eat whatever it is she's telling you to eat. I mean...why all the pressure? What is it going to do for her if you eat the food when you're not hungry?
You're exactly right...misery loves company. She feels bad about eating and she thinks she'll feel better if you eat too-then she's not alone in eating foods that aren't healthy.
Just ask her next time "say...I feel a lot of pressure from you here to eat even though I said I'm not hungry...why is that?"0
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