need to vent! want to know if im in the wrong?

rachel122986 · January 2011

I currently weigh 157 and am 5'8" in my eyes I still have a lot to lose...about 2o lbs....

I was talking to my mom last night and she doesn't think I need to lose anymore and she thinks I am fine. Well she is also trying to lose weight but she has about 100 lbs to lose but she never really gives it her all. I feel bad but growing up it was her habits that taught me the bad habits I now struggle with and today I am trying to change my lifestyle for good and its like she wont support that. I don't even like to talk to her because she tries to make me feel guilty for some reason usually its about something in her life that I have no control over. This has been going for 3 years now...ever since my dad died she always makes me feel guilty no matter the situation. Its getting reallly old and I try to tell her but she doesn't listen to me. Examples..
It snows...she has to shovel her driveway..I of course have to do the same...her comment..you have a husban to help you I don't I have to do everything myself...
She wants to go shopping.....she says she is a loner and has no friends (this is true its what she likes or so she says)...she calls me even though she knows im busy to see if I can go. She makes me feel guilty by saying she wishes her husband was still around to go with and its not fair that I have a husband and friends. I go with and I want to eat a healthy lunch again makes me feel bad when we should eat bad...its a girls day...
At my heaviest..204...she still told me I was so skinny and don't need to lose wait she stilll says that to me. I think everyone can agree that as a female at 204 I was far from skinny.
It goes on and on...I will stop here though

And other friends...a word im starting to say loosley..tell me I shouldn't lose weight and im fine how I am. My ex best friend actually told me I look gross and she thinks I have a problem regarding how im losing weight. I was 174 when she told me that and I was so offended. Look at my food diary..im sure there is nothing wrong with the way i eat..except way too much sugar..that is my weaknes..Others just try to make me eat unhealthy and I think its so they can justify eating unhealthy. I don't want to sound mean but as far as my friends go I just think they like that I have always been the fat one and now they are concerned that once im not the fat one it could be them and me staying fat is there comfort zone.

So...I really needed to vent thanks for listening...any comments would be much appreciated!

toots99 · January 2011

People get jealous when they see others doing what they know they themselves should be doing.

ebonybliss · January 2011

I completely understand. I do not think you are in the wrong. I am going through something similar with my family. I want to get in better shape while everyone around me seems to complain about being obese but won't do anything about it. When you wake up each day and look in the mirror you have to be happy with what YOU see. If you want to lose 20 more lbs or even 2 more lbs that is something you are entitled to do with or without support from family. We will all support you on this site and don't give up! In the end you have to be happy with yourself.

MissAnjy · January 2011

You know what, only YOU know your body. Listen to your body and it will tell you when to stop. I have the same problem you have with other people interferring. It's usually the people who need to lose weight but don't have the motivation and hate to see people around them doing what they know they should be. At 5'8 if you wanted to be 137, that's a healthy weight for your height. Just make sure you stay in a healthy BMI and you're golden. I'm 5'10 and I'm currently 160lbs. I also want to lose about 20 more and people always tell me how disgusting i will look. Ummm, I don't want to be skinny, i want to be toned!! You don't see people telling Jillian Michaels she looks disgusting, or telling Heidi Klum she looks disgusting. It's all about working with your body. You know yourself the best, you know your body, just go with that.

Miss_Chievous_wechange · January 2011

I'm 5'8" as well and I think 140 is a good, healthy weight for me. I do not wish to weigh any less than that. I like my curves.

iamstaceywood · January 2011

People who can't, hate. Period. Its the same with everything. Drop outs jealous of grads who make more, people getting fit and their less fit friends. Its gonna happen. Just giggle it off and know that looking fab is enough to make you the one who won.

PixieFen · January 2011

UGH! My ex-best friend was just like that (there's a reason why she's my ex-bestie)! If anything is going right in my life, she felt the need to compare it to hers and how she's all alone or sad or whatever. Like, if I am dating someone and she's not, she'll complain about being the "third wheel" even when it's just us girls.

And it was worse when I lost weight! She would constantly tell me that I looked too skinny (even though I was definitely extremely overweight) and that I should eat more, etc - just so she could feel better/superior that she's was thinner then me. Once I got thinner then her, she could constantly harp on my "eating disorder" (even though the reason I lost the weight was through exercise and just cutting out sweets - I didn't change portions or anything else!).

Through it all, my only thought was this: my BMI, my doctor, and everyone else thought that I was fine and on the right track. I wasn't going to let one nay-sayer derail a better eating lifestyle and healthier living.

Go see your doctor. If s/he says that you're fine and you are losing weight healthily and you can still lose more without any damage to your health - just tune everyone else out. Sometimes, in our lives, we have toxic people that just can't stand to see others succeed. It doesn't mean that they don't love us...it just means that their own insecurities override their love. It just means that you will need to be stronger and try harder...but it's more important that you live healthy and feel great about yourself, and instead of living the life that others want you to live.

This is a little rambly - I haven't had my morning coffee yet...hahaha!

Best of luck!!! And congrats on your weight loss so far!

cozzy530 · January 2011

You are definately not in the wrong! I am a 49 year old guy and I am trying to maintain my weight of 170. I am up 10lbs and working on dropping that. You need your distance from your mom as she is trying to use you to justify her lack of motivation. Anyone true friend should tell you the truth about your weight and help you, not insult you. Diet will work but it will be a long uphill jouney. Find a exercise program you can do in the comfort of your home and do it at your pace. I finished P90X which I highly recommend but it is VERY tough. Try looking at the beachbody website as they have many different programs and find one that you like. Only you can change yourself so start living your own life and start saying NO to your mother. Good Luck

rachel122986 · January 2011

Thanks everyone I am happy to know what all of your thoughts are they are making me feel better!

CynthiaCollin · January 2011

Hello There !

First off I want to say is you are an ADULT.....you are the only one that knows what is right for you. If losing 20 lbs will make you feel better or happy then go for it.

When it comes to your mom, you are going to have to start acting like the adult you are and stand up for yourself. If she is anything like my mom was, that is not an easy task, but it will be a necessity. If the subject of weight loss is an issue, perhaps you should just stop discussing it with her. Do what you have to do to lose the weight but find someone (or your MFP friends) to encourage you! I don't know how long your mother has lost her husband, but it is reality and you are going to have to learn to not play into her guilt trips. When you go out with your mom and it is junk food night and she says you have to....well you don't...and you can just tell her you feel better when you have a salad. When you are busy and she tries to guilt trip you to go hang out with her to go shopping you should try " Mom, I would love to spend time with you but I can't today because I am really busy. I will have to take a rain check! " Perhaps you should try to hook your momm up with an activity where she could meet some friends. You don't have to hurt her feelings to take control of your life....you are responsible for yourself ! Your mom should play on your terms sometimes too. It is sad that she no longer has her husband, but that isn't your fault or your responsibilty. Of course as a good daughter you love your mother and you want to help her as much as possible, but it is important that you put yourself as a priority as well and do what makes you happy....and your mom should want you to be happy too !

williamtl · January 2011

I am currently experiencing the same thing. I have lost 86 lbs and many of my co-workers are saying the same thing. How can you say that I don't need to lose my last 14 lbs when I still weigh over 200? I am 5'10" and my goal weight is 190, but they say that I am considered skinny at 204? Please!!!!!! I don't want to weigh less than 190 because I don't want to lose my curves.

After I lost my first 45 lbs my sister said "I never thought that I would be the fat one in the family". I never knew that we were competing . It may have satisfied her ego to be smaller than me, but it did nothing for mine. I kinda knew she felt that way, but to hear her say it really hurt me. To make her feel better, I guess I will just have to give her my clothes. After all, I paid good money for them and who better to give them too than a person who needs to see some benefit from my weight loss? A segment of co-workers also think that I don't need to be any smaller and compared me to themselves. Well, if I looked like you, I would hurry up and lose my last 14 lbs.

I say all this to say that only you know what is best for you. You know what you need to do to feel healthy and sexy. It doesn't hurt to lost a little extra, because our weight tends to fluctuate anyway (water retention, hormones, etc.) Besides, if you decide to celebrate the new you on a cruise, you will be glad that you lost the extra before you got on the ship!

Just know that all of the "hate" that you are getting is a sign that others are jealous. Deep down, nobody likes competition. Congrats on your weight loss and enjoy to new you!

turbojanem · January 2011

first, what does your doctor say. i'm a big advocate for checking in with your doctor to see how your blood work looks and what they think about your health.
there will be many in your life that will want to discourage you and your lifestyle. if you choose to live a healthy lifestyle, there may be others from your past that will leave your circle of friends. that's okay. if they don't support you, don't have common interest, then it is okay to have your circle of friends get smaller.
and as for your mom....there aren't many of us around MFP that have the same issue. please do not let others expectations of what they want for you or themselves, determine what you do. you can't carry around the baggage that they want you to. you can't. it's not your baggage. let them deal with their own junk.
when around friends and family that don't agree with your lifestyle, talk about anything other than your exercise/eating. it is hard. it's a BIG part of our lives. talk about their lives/interest/the weather if you have to. be a silent example. they will either follow or not. you CAN'T be responsible for what others do or think.
don't ask permission from others to live your life. just do it.
also, what does your husband think? does he think you are living a healthy life? they tend to know us best if we have an open communication with them.

also...are you looking at a number on the scale? or are you looking for a healthy lifestyle. if it's a healthy lifestyle, then read and educate yourself on what will help you be healthy. and then put into practice things that will help you be healthy. address the things that you have been avoiding that need to change. as your actions change, so too will your mind; allowing for a healthy body, mind and soul.

cheering you on!
Jane

chocolatnoir · January 2011

Definitely not in the wrong. I feel for you, but also for your Mom. Sounds like she is very unhappy and she is expecting you to save her from that....which is spectacularly unfair since it seems like rather than trying to help herself she is trying to bring you under with her. Do you think she would talk to someone professional if you suggested it? Sometimes it helps to have someone like that to talk to about grief/loneliness/unhappiness. I hope she can find some way to come out of this so you guys can have a healthy/normal relationship- and so she can be a supportive parent to you!

Good luck with reaching your goals! I'm 5'7 and 153-154 (depending on the day) and I want to get down to between 135 and 140- so I don't think your goal is unrealistic or unhealthy. I feel quite heavy and even unattractive at this weight, as it is the heaviest I've been in my life...

jimmydeanbakker · January 2011

I've been going through almost the exact same thing about my weight, and the people closes to me are the ones attacking me. I've always been into fitness; and when I weighed 226 pounds, I was pretty muscular nonetheless; but at the same time, my body was having problems trying to handle the extra pounds. I'm only 5'9''. I went to a diet doctor, and not my own physician because he wasn't about to help me, and the diet doctor looked at me, and asked, “Are you crazy? You look just fine. You're built like a linebacker.” He pretty much kicked me out of his office, and laughed in my face. A few months later I stumbled onto MFP. I had already dropped to 214 pounds before I signed up to the website, and then a month or so after signing up, I lost another 14 pounds. When I hit the 190 pound mark, that's when everybody started attacking me. They were tearing into me like ravenous pit-bulls, and saying things like, “You're losing too much weight. You don't even look healthy. You spend too much time on that darn website.” Fat and sad isn't how I want to live my life. Being obese is expensive when looking in terms of all the blood pressure medicines including diabetic medicines and constant doctor visits. It's insane to try to remedy obesity with a pill when all one has to do is change their diet. I say, “No thank you to obesity, and screw anybody that tries to tell me differently. Don't get mad at me because I refuse to pad the doctor's pockets with my hard earned dollars.”

loonpine2 · January 2011

Being a mom, sometimes we tend to worry to much about our children- and she is only looking out for you; with that being said- you are the only one who can decide what a healthy weight is for you. I tend to think that anything less than 135 would be too thin for you but again, we are not who has to live with the weight. I am 5'5 and would love to get down to 135- however, my husband- and family feel that is way to thin for my body type. I am pretty athletic and gain muscle easily- So they say no less than 150. I will decide that as I go. I have lost a total of 230lbs with 80 to go 150. So after that I will see. Just like I am sure you will see.

Your friends might be worried about you when you say you want to get down to 134. Instead say, I am trying to eat healthier and hopefully I can gain some lean muscle and lose any of the extra fat.

Don't use a weight - Then if you get down to 134 and people ask- lie! TELL THEM YOU WEIGHT MORE LIKE 145.

It's really none of thier buisneess anyway!

So -You are not wrong for feeling the way you feel however, keep in mind that it's easy to fall into an obsssesed way of seeing yourself. I know- I have lost so much but still see that huge person in the mirror! So eat healthy-and don't worry about what they say!

Debtappe · January 2011

All I can say is go with what your doctor says. I had a co-worker once who was severely anorexic and was in serious, serious denial. So, a check with the doc can't hurt.

SafariLara · January 2011

I'm at my mom's ideal weight so when I tell her I still want to lose 30 lbs she freaks out and says I'm perfect. She doesnt understand my motivation to get into peak condition when she would do anything to look how I do now, and its hard talking to her about it because she thinks i'm getting too skinny... i'm barely in my healthy weight range... sigh.... moms

Kathycooper · January 2011

Do what makes you happy, you have total control over your life. I'm sorry about your Mom. I haven't any idea what you're going through but I know I have problems with my Mom too. Different worlds I guess. Don't forgo the lunches with her, they won't be around for ever, and when their gone we will miss them.
But, by all means stick to your guns have a salad and a piece of chicken or a glass of wine and tell her you love her even when you're skinny!

endlessdrip · January 2011

you picture makes you look real good. do what dr. oz suggest; give up 100 calories a day and you'll see a natural weight loss without hurting yourself.
good luck
eric

endlessdrip · September 2012

I spoke to you way back when and was wondering how you were doing on your weight?
I'm heavy, 220lbs and should be 190. I see my doctor tomorrow and he's going to have it out with me over my weight.
Hope all is Ok,
Eric

animatorswearbras · September 2012

Aw you're not in the wrong and losing another 20 pounds would still have you in a perfectly healthy BMI (in fact the same BMI I'm aiming for)

However your Mum probably sees you at your perfectly healthy weight now, a weight she would love to be and just can't get her head round why you would want to lose more when she see's you perfect as you are. What I would do is just not bring up your continuing weight loss with her anymore just to save argument, just say you're concentrating on keeping fit and keeping it off if she asks, and maybe see if there's any evening classes or something you can enrol her on or enrol together to help her make friends, also see if there's any bereavement support groups, there are alot of people who lose their spouse and find it very hard to adjust when their closest companion has gone. What she's saying to you is in the wrong but I think if she starts getting the support she needs she'll start giving you the support you need.

Take care xx

need to vent! want to know if im in the wrong?

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