New here, and hoping to stick around.

Everyone has their reasons, whether it be for physical beauty or overhauling an unhealthy lifestyle. Maybe it's for the kids? To impress some friends? To keep a spouses attention? Perhaps you are battling depression the healthiest way you know how?
Yeah, It's pretty much all of those. I want to feel comfortable with myself. I want to be able to chase after my kids and keep up with them for more than 5 minutes. I want my husband to look at me and see the woman he married 5 years ago. I want to be someone that my youngest would have been proud of.

Hi! I'm Portia. I'm in my 20's, I am a mother of three, and I have the most supportive husband a person could be blessed with. Like a lot of women, I gained weight, more and more with each pregnancy. My eldest is 4, my youngest is coming up on her second birthday this month, so my children were close together, not giving me much time between each to shed those pounds.
After I had my youngest daughter, the next few weeks following her short stay at the NICU were spent walking. Walking in the morning, walking at night, completely overhauling my diet. And, I saw some changes. In 4 weeks, I went from 210 to 180. And then, on July 3rd 2012, my youngest passed away.

For 2 weeks, I refused to move from bed. I refused to eat. At the end, my husband had to force feed me, begging me to stop hurting myself or he and our other two would lose me as well. And, for a while, I just didn't care. I went from 180 to 150 in those two weeks. It wasn't until a month later that I was turning to food for comfort.

I would see a commercial of a happy mommy surrounded by her little children, I would cry, and I could pull the tub of ice cream out of the freezer. Nightmares kept me up late, anxiety, PTSD, and severe depression. They all compounded into this mess of a woman I didn't recognize. And I hated myself. I hated everyone. What had I ever done to deserve to lose something so precious? Something so very important to my life?
And these were my feelings for a very long time. My days were spent crying, eating, and constantly checking on my older children. The stress was getting to me. I went from that 150 back up 210 rapidly.

Finally, my husband was approved for a compassionate discharge from the military, just a couple weeks shy of what would have been our youngest daughter's first birthday. This meant finally returning home to get the support we needed from our family. Family we hadn't been able to see in a year, and haven't lived near in 4.
And while I was still hurting, I noticed some changes. I was able to smile! And I felt guilty at first, but soon, the guilt subsided.

It is still very hard to even talk about my daughter without crying, but I can also look back on certain memories and be grateful for the time I was able to hold her, sing to her, bathe her, feed her, and clothe her. Her first smile will always be my favorite.

Since December of 2013, I have been making small changes in my life, slowly figuring out this person I have become since losing my daughter. As of today, I am 197 pounds. I'm happy about that. I know I would rather see the scale move more quickly, but this time, I am going to be patient with myself.

It's time for me to become someone I can accept, someone my children can look up to, and someone my daughter would have been proud to call her mommy.