Diet saboteurs...

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Replies

  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
    When I think I have a diet saboteur, I take out my mirror and take a long stare. Whose got the power? Oh. Me? Just checking

    Always this.
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
    No other person can make me do something I don't want to do. My biggest diet saboteur is ME!

    Also this.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    There will be these people coming and going in your life. Sometimes it is family or people close to you. Sometimes it is "friends". If they are a true friend, they will want to see you without cake. Just sayin.
  • angel381
    angel381 Posts: 14 Member
    If I'm swimming hard to keep my head above water and I have someone pulling me down to drown with them, I'm sorry but I have to let go for me. I deserve that, I'm sure you do too!

    You can't control other people. You control you: your actions and your decisions. Friendship is at least a common respect for each other to meet in the middle. You do what you need to do for you, and those that love you will understand. If they don't, it may give you the opportunity to find people that care more about you, your feelings and look forward to giving you support. :)

    It's ok to stand up for yourself and when you are doing something that is GOOD for you, you should be proud of yourself for doing it! Don't let their problem be your problem. It sounds like this "friend" saboteur has no reluctance to stand their ground by demanding you eat like that.

    Don't let it weigh you down... The idea is lose weight, right? :)
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
    You can't tell others what they should or shouldn't do, it just won't lead to anything useful.

    Try to find things to do with this friend that don't revolve around food.

    As to why she insisted on buying 2 and trying to split the 2nd with you? Well probably not to sabotage you but to make herself feel better. She knew she didn't need 2, but felt like it was better to have 1 and then split the other with you. Kind of like she was trying to make you her enabler.

    Do what is best for you. Sometimes that can mean having limited contact with friends, family that you feel make it harder to reach your goals.
  • martinel2099
    martinel2099 Posts: 899 Member
    People here have the right idea, be nice but stand your ground with your friend. Being friends with someone shouldn't be about material things such as food or even money. If being friends with this person means you have to over indulge on cake then that may not be the kind of friendship you or her wants.

    Talk to your friend, she'll come around.
  • willrun4bagels
    willrun4bagels Posts: 838 Member
    I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said... but OP: Your profile picture is great.
  • DrJenO
    DrJenO Posts: 404 Member
    If you want advice about how to deal with her in the moment, I will suggest this:

    Make it really, really unrewarding for her to engage with you on this subject. Since she has proven that she cannot be trusted to go to places where there is food (or treaty food, at least), don't meet her at food places. Anytime she brings up the subject (if you happen to meet for lunch, or there happens to be food at the place where you are), just say "no thank you; say, have you seen the latest Dr. Who?" or "no thanks; hey, I really like your new hair cut!" or "no thanks; what did you think about [insert sports team of your choice] winning that thing yesterday?".

    Make it boring to the point of insanity for her to engage you on this subject. It may feel repetitive. GOOD. That means she'll eventually get it. If she is going to be repetitive about food, give her a repetitive answer.

    If you NEVER engage with her on this, if you ALWAYS change the subject immediately, without offering excuses or reasons, she WILL eventually get it.

    And I mean never.
  • loubidy
    loubidy Posts: 440 Member
    All the time... Whenever I say no or explain it won't fit in my calorie allowance they have to tell me how they don't care they're happy how they are etc EXCUSE ME I'M NOT PREACHING, YOU EAT AWAY I SAID I DON'T WANT IT!
  • lottewiegeraad
    lottewiegeraad Posts: 64 Member
    No is no, nobody forced her to buy two pieces of cake. And if she gives you half of her second portion just don't eat it, if she than asks you repeatedly "why don't you eat that second half", just ask if she is deaf, because she clearly wasn't listening... She probably has some issues of her own.

    For example: I love my friends,but I have a similair situation involving alcohol (drinking less in the weekends), in the beginning when i stated that I wasn't going to drink so much, they where screaming and stating that if I didn't drink the WHOLE evening was ruined. It made me furious, some of them did literally everything they could think of to bribe me into drinking more (e.g. "aaaaw but I just payed for these shots, they were expesive, blablabla"), What worked for me, being honest. I sat down with the friend who annoyed me the most and told her everything that was bothering me.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    You guys have a weird relationship if she only wants to meet you at a pastry shop and if you feel that you can't see her if you don't want cake. I don't even know what to say. She clearly has issues, but you could still meet her there and just not order anything (or just have coffee or something).
  • Strokingdiction
    Strokingdiction Posts: 1,164 Member
    You guys have a weird relationship if she only wants to meet you at a pastry shop and if you feel that you can't see her if you don't want cake. I don't even know what to say. She clearly has issues, but you could still meet her there and just not order anything (or just have coffee or something).

    tumblr_lhu8r74xqo1qaamhk_zps1f943f24.jpg
  • lindsey1979
    lindsey1979 Posts: 2,395 Member
    I feel for you. Food is complicated -- it's a symbol of a lot of different things in many social systems. People often use it to show they care -- they make you something (chicken noodle soup when you're sick, cake for your birthday, etc.) or take you out to dinner (dates, celebrations, etc.) for social activities. So, sadly, some people confuse the two -- the sign of affection with the actual food. My Mom was almost in tears many years ago because I declined a piece of cheesecake and she made it "just for me". She wasn't trying to sabotage me, but just express herself. Sometimes, this can be very difficult for people.

    Then there are others that project their issues on to others -- this sounds very much like your friend. She likely feels guilty or something when you're not engaging in the same amount of cake eating as she is. Sort of like how some people have a very hard time having a cocktail around a non-drinker. So they keep pressuring that person to do the same thing they're doing to feel better about it themselves. The issue is HERS, not yours. So, that's good to keep in perspective, but it doesn't exactly solve your problem about the friendship.

    As another poster pointed out, this is a boundary issue. She may not ever realize the damage she's doing to your relationship or the hurt/anxiety/discomfort she's causing you with her insistence on the cake. I'd have a really calm, caring conversation with her where you explain that you care for/love her, but you really need for her to respect your boundary about this and not try to guilt trip you, harass you, etc. about food. If she can't do this, then she's a destructive, manipulative force in your life and you're better off without her or have to make sure that you only include her in your life when her nastiness around food won't be an issue (though, frankly, I think this is probably pretty hard to do).
  • estaticaa
    estaticaa Posts: 67 Member
    What you're describing doesn't seem a saboteur to me, it sounds like a bully. Dictating what you should eat in her presence and refusing to hang out with you unless you do as she says could easily be considered abusive. We only hear your version of things, of course. There is also the possibility that she believes you are under-eating and hurting yourself and this could be her way of taking care of you.

    I'll give you an example. My parents and grandparents lived in a time where they witnessed hunger, grew up not being able to eat what they wanted and when they wanted. They only ate cake once a year on their own birthday for years. Decades later, they are predictably both overweight and consider food as another form of wealth, comfort and love. You can imagine how horrified they are whenever I refuse food they offer.

    But despite offering me foods I can't eat (which is what I consider sabotage, in a way), they have never forced me or bullied me into eating anything I don't want or threatened to cut ties with me if I don't do as they say.

    Like others have said, I think it's important you communicate this to your friend and set things straight. If she doesn't clarify where all this obsession with eating cake comes from and keeps trying to force you just because she doesn't want to hang out with people who don't eat what she wants, then she's not really worth it.
  • Iwishyouwell
    Iwishyouwell Posts: 1,888 Member
    And this is one of the reasons why I'm glad, despite how large I got, that I had very few fat friends and none of my friendships ever revolved around food and eating.

    If you were fat in body AND in mind, and built a social network that revolved around constant eating, then it's really only expected that people in that that social network are going to try and normalize the situation. It's not easy for human beings, in general, to accept change. You changed, they did not. Naturally a part of them wants things to be how they once were; misery loves company and all that. It's not easy for some people, still stuck in the mud, to see their friend get out and move on.

    Talk to these people. You need to let them know that no means no. If they still don't respect your choices, it might be time to reevaluate why you're still friends with them.
  • JennaViolet
    JennaViolet Posts: 11 Member
    Some people over-eat and feel that cutting back is too hard, so they convince people that it is a choice and they enjoy life that way, but they can never convince themselves.
    When people have made a choice to cut back and change their life for the better, particularly those close to them, these people see before their eyes the sort of change they could make if only they had the will to do so and it hurts them.
    Through all of the comments and remarks, she feels worse than you do.

    It isn't fair, true friends wouldn't want to drag you down with them, they'd support and congratulate you. But I feel like chances are that is how she feels.

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