Fear of losing weight is holding me back

shining_light
shining_light Posts: 384 Member
in Motivation and Support
So here's the deal. I am 21 years old, fairly busy professional with a family. I try to exercise and eat right, but psychologically I binge eat when I'm stressed. I also live in one of the worst cities in the country for sexual harassment. I can't walk anywhere without the wandering eye or the stray uninvited comment, and I am profoundly average in weight and appearance. (note: my profile picture is old. I don't have pink hair anymore) I go out of my way to cover up and hide my body when I leave the house because I'm so tired of men looking and commenting. This is why I can't lose weight. I'm pretty flabby for my weight and height, though not "fat", but I can stand to lose about 25 pounds. I just haven't been able to get past the fear. The public harassment is already grating enough. I'm terrified that if I lose weight, there will be more of it. Help!!!

Replies

  • theJTfitness
    theJTfitness Posts: 142 Member
    So your problem is that you are too attractive right now. If you lose weight you will be more attractive.

    Are you trying to be funny? haha
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    ... I totally knew men wouldn't get it. It's not a joke. That is exactly, literally the problem.
  • boombalatty123
    boombalatty123 Posts: 116 Member
    I understand what you mean. Some men view a woman's appearance, good or bad, as something they are free to comment on.

    However, you need to live your life for you, not in reaction to some jerk. They don't deserve to have that kind of power over you.
  • Branstin
    Branstin Posts: 2,320 Member
    Please don't take this the wrong way but are you sure you aren't looking for reasons to sabotage your efforts because of fear of failing? You don’t own the public a damn thing. If you feel the need to lose weight in order to be healthier then why allow public opinion to sway you? Those comments will only hold value if you place value on them.
  • tycho_mx
    tycho_mx Posts: 426 Member
    This is why I can't lose weight. I'm pretty flabby for my weight and height, though not "fat", but I can stand to lose about 25 pounds. I just haven't been able to get past the fear. The public harassment is already grating enough. I'm terrified that if I lose weight, there will be more of it. Help!!!

    To a certain extent, harassment is not an attractiveness thing, it's a power thing. Abusive people do it because somehow (through an enabling society, poor impulse control, psychological damage, lack of social skills, you name it) they get away with it. With that in mind, you need to decide what matters to you. Being attractive is only one reason to be "fit".

    It's not a rational "that girl is 2x more attractive than the other, therefore, she gets double the catcalls". It's just a crappy situation. And yes, I'm a man, but I am not a jerk, nor blind, and am fond of the women in my life and think no one should be abused.
  • diannethegeek
    diannethegeek Posts: 14,776 Member
    I understand how you feel. I sit with a therapist once a week to talk about anxiety and depression issues and we did a lot of work while I was losing the bulk of my weight. For me, there was something about being seen, being more visible, whether it was a male or female gaze, that made me anxious about losing weight. I'd worn my weight as a sort of shield or coverup for a long time.

    I don't know if I can offer you a lot of advice, but I can say that you're not alone. And that it seemed to get easier for me as I lost and became more used to my new size.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    To a certain extent, harassment is not an attractiveness thing, it's a power thing. Abusive people do it because somehow (through an enabling society, poor impulse control, psychological damage, lack of social skills, you name it) the get away with it. With that in mind, you need to decide what matters to you.

    It's not a rational "that girl is 2x more attractive than the other, therefore, she gets double the catcalls". It's just a crappy situation. And yes, I'm a man, but I am not a jerk, nor blind, and am fond of the women in my life and think no one should be abused.

    Bingo.

    Might I suggest you take up MMA or another martial art? Possibly gaining that power over yourself will help you.

    I've been on the receiving end of 'unwanted' several times, I will tell you this... Take power over yourself, walk with confidence, hold your head up. You are not going to be assaulted if you look like you're going to rip out hearts with your bare hands - even if you're 'hawt'. You ARE powerful. BE powerful. If someone honks, cat calls, yells stuff.. Ignore it. There's no reason to acknowledge it - it just gives someone else power over you, YOU are in charge of your own reaction.
  • nurit1979
    nurit1979 Posts: 88 Member
    Ignore the sarcastic comments. I get what you are saying. You are scared that losing weight will draw even more unwanted attention to yourself than you already get. It is a very REAL problem. Some people just like to be "invisible" because it feels more secure. I know that it is hard to let it go and try to relax about losing weight which is why you need to change the way you think about weight loss. Instead of viewing weight loss as a negative thing because of how other people will view you (letting outside environment influence you), think about all of the health benefits you will gain from weight loss, make it about yourself and how good you will feel physically once you lose weight. Perhaps focusing the attention on yourself instead of other people will help you get past this. Just my two cents.
  • DianeinCA
    DianeinCA Posts: 307 Member
    I'm slightly older than you <g> and I agree with most of these posters. You have to learn to live in your own skin. You have to grab the power in your life with both hands and not live in fear of what "they" (whoever "they" is for you) might do or say.

    Harassment is a power thing, not an attractiveness thing.

    Women tend to equate harassment with attractiveness because we're socialized from very, VERY early on to view male attention as what's important for our self-esteem, rather than what WE want or believe to be true as important.

    I want you to envision two future yous: one who is at her GW, who knows what she wants, and who thinks random guys hitting on her solely because of her exterior package is annoying, and the one who's lived her life not changing anything she wants for fear of someone, somewhere doing something she finds uncomfortable.

    Who do you want to be?
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Please don't take this the wrong way but are you sure you aren't looking for reasons to sabotage your efforts because of fear of failing? You don’t own the public a damn thing. If you feel the need to lose weight in order to be healthier then why allow public opinion to sway you? Those comments will only hold value if you place value on them.

    No, I don't take offence to this at all. It's an entirely valid point. And I know I can lose weight. I've lost 15 pounds before, so I know I can do it again(and that was starting from about 5-10 pounds less than I am now!).

    I think it's also confusing because my fiance constantly comments on my appearance and loves to show physical affection. It's a bit of a tug-of-war in my head, because I want to be attractive for him, but to be attractive is not "safe". I hold back a lot in my relationship as well, even though I don't really want to. I'm uncomfortable being emotionally exposed, and that goes back to the body as well. He thinks it's weird that I don't talk about feelings or show emotion. It's all the same issue.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    To a certain extent, harassment is not an attractiveness thing, it's a power thing. Abusive people do it because somehow (through an enabling society, poor impulse control, psychological damage, lack of social skills, you name it) the get away with it. With that in mind, you need to decide what matters to you.

    It's not a rational "that girl is 2x more attractive than the other, therefore, she gets double the catcalls". It's just a crappy situation. And yes, I'm a man, but I am not a jerk, nor blind, and am fond of the women in my life and think no one should be abused.

    Bingo.

    Might I suggest you take up MMA or another martial art? Possibly gaining that power over yourself will help you.

    I've been on the receiving end of 'unwanted' several times, I will tell you this... Take power over yourself, walk with confidence, hold your head up. You are not going to be assaulted if you look like you're going to rip out hearts with your bare hands - even if you're 'hawt'. You ARE powerful. BE powerful. If someone honks, cat calls, yells stuff.. Ignore it. There's no reason to acknowledge it - it just gives someone else power over you, YOU are in charge of your own reaction.

    All of this.

    As for the martial arts and/or self defense suggestion...not a bad idea, at all. But if you're honestly feeling unsafe in your everyday life I would also suggest making some changes if possible. If your neighborhood is an issue then maybe it is a matter of moving house. If your main mode of transport and/or exercise is walking, maybe that could be changed too? I know it's a horrible shame it should come to that - but you deserve to feel safe!!!
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    To a certain extent, harassment is not an attractiveness thing, it's a power thing. Abusive people do it because somehow (through an enabling society, poor impulse control, psychological damage, lack of social skills, you name it) the get away with it. With that in mind, you need to decide what matters to you.

    It's not a rational "that girl is 2x more attractive than the other, therefore, she gets double the catcalls". It's just a crappy situation. And yes, I'm a man, but I am not a jerk, nor blind, and am fond of the women in my life and think no one should be abused.

    Bingo.

    Might I suggest you take up MMA or another martial art? Possibly gaining that power over yourself will help you.

    I've been on the receiving end of 'unwanted' several times, I will tell you this... Take power over yourself, walk with confidence, hold your head up. You are not going to be assaulted if you look like you're going to rip out hearts with your bare hands - even if you're 'hawt'. You ARE powerful. BE powerful. If someone honks, cat calls, yells stuff.. Ignore it. There's no reason to acknowledge it - it just gives someone else power over you, YOU are in charge of your own reaction.

    All of this.

    As for the martial arts and/or self defense suggestion...not a bad idea, at all. But if you're honestly feeling unsafe in your everyday life I would also suggest making some changes if possible. If your neighborhood is an issue then maybe it is a matter of moving house. If your main mode of transport and/or exercise is walking, maybe that could be changed too? I know it's a horrible shame it should come to that - but you deserve to feel safe!!!

    I used to do Kenpo kickboxing videos. Perhaps I should start doing that.

    Honestly, it's not our neighborhood. Our neighborhood is made up primarily of friendly immigrants. It's the young white men that are the problem, and you can't get away from them. It's the whole city and the way the local men are raised. Sad but true. I'd have to move cities to get away from this, and it's just not possible at this point. I will consider changing my transportation situation, even though I do like having active transportation(walking or biking).
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
    I also live in one of the worst cities in the country for sexual harassment.

    I have to ask, where do you live?

    Like some of the other posters said, don't give anyone that much power over you. Lose weight, dress how you like and enjoy your life.
  • _HeartsOnFire_
    _HeartsOnFire_ Posts: 5,304 Member
    Go back to kickboxing. Knowing you could kick their *kitten* if they tried something should help.
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    I also live in one of the worst cities in the country for sexual harassment.

    I have to ask, where do you live?

    Like some of the other posters said, don't give anyone that much power over you. Lose weight, dress how you like and enjoy your life.

    Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Our police have tried a few things in the past couple of years to cut down on sexual harassment, but it really doesn't seem to be helping much.
  • Asherah29
    Asherah29 Posts: 354 Member
    *facepalm*

    Yes comments while you are in public are annoying... but why would you ever let someone else comments, someone you know know, affect your body or mind. If they went around calling you ugly would you listen to them? Or you would you think how stupid are they? I am beautiful!


    That said... I actually feel like this is a rather self absorbed and trollish question and I am seriously wondering why in the world I bothered with a comment.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I've been super thin and I've been on the flabby side and the amount of attention I get is the same.
  • AtticWindow
    AtticWindow Posts: 295 Member
    ... I totally knew men wouldn't get it. It's not a joke. That is exactly, literally the problem.

    Absolutely, totally understand. It's really no consolation, but the people that are going to harass you will do it regardless of your appearance. There's no way to say for sure if it would get worse or better if you were in better shape, because these people harass all kinds of bodies. So you might as well get in kick *kitten* shape, and do your best to ignore the grossness.
  • Fat2FitMyDrive
    Fat2FitMyDrive Posts: 83 Member
    Confidence can also be a detterent. Think about it from that perspective. Your lack of self confidence is sabotaging you in many ways and you are using outside influences to demotivate you. Stop! You deserve to be confident, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be motivated to improve YOU! By improving your health (I won't use the word appearance because although a byproduct shouldn't be the sole motivation) you will in turn increase your energy level, your self confidence, and your personal drive! This can be extremely intimidating to men who would otherwise hoot, holler, and whistle. Live this life for you and your family, adopt a buddy system when you will be walking outside long distances. If you are concerned beyond that consider a detterent such as a whistle or purse alarm and when one of this idiots bothers you... Make it known. Take care of you!
  • tworthen79
    tworthen79 Posts: 1,173 Member
    I understand where you're coming from. It doesn't hold me back from losing weight. But I don't go to the gym, because I don't want to be looked at/approached. To some that may sound weird, but it makes me uncomfortable. And I get it, if I'm good looking, men/women will look, but if I can lessen that, I will. I have no idea why, I guess, I spent my whole life fat and blending into the background. So looks/stares makes me anxious.

    I would continue to lose weight, for you. This isn't suppose to be for anyone else. Get some pepper spray, a taser, a knife. There are ways to protect yourself. Don't let sexual harassment hold you back.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
    I also live in one of the worst cities in the country for sexual harassment.

    I have to ask, where do you live?

    Like some of the other posters said, don't give anyone that much power over you. Lose weight, dress how you like and enjoy your life.

    Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Our police have tried a few things in the past couple of years to cut down on sexual harassment, but it really doesn't seem to be helping much.

    I lived in Edmonton for years, right down town, 2 blocks from Churchill square, there were hookers who worked on my street corner. I just moved from there about 5 years ago... One time there was a guy who got too close to me while I was walking to work at about 3:45 am (I worked the opening shift at a cafe) I was carrying my running shoes. I told him I would beat him with them if he didn't fu*k off.. must have been the wild look in my eyes, he didn't move for a long time after I passed.

    Must have gone downhill lately.. Sorry to hear.
  • _Pseudonymous_
    _Pseudonymous_ Posts: 1,671 Member
    I TOTALLY understand this. It was a problem of mine as well. After being raped, being in a abusive relationship, an attempted abduction, and a mugging I developed the same fear. It's tough to overcome but I honeslty feel that finding something that makes you feel strong will take away the vicitimization feeling. You'll feel more confident and able to defend yourself. Also, carry pepper spray or mace OPENLY. LET IT BE SEEN and if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable let them know that they are invading your personal space and you have NO quarrels with using your Mace or your kickboxing skills. Straight to the face and balls. Lifting, kickboxing, regular boxing, or even just taking self defense classes will make you feel better and put you in a better state of health.


    best of luck hun! I hope you can get through this and be able to focus on yourself and your health!
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Get some pepper spray, a taser, a knife. There are ways to protect yourself. Don't let sexual harassment hold you back.

    I would do that, but none of those are legal to carry here, and you are not allowed to own pepper spray or tasers.

    I don't think I'm doing it for myself in the first place. I've been losing weight and trying to get in shape for my partner, and all he really cares about is me not being fat. As long as I'm "not fat", we're good. Gotta stay skinnier than the ex-wife...


    What am I doing with my life? Seriously.
  • likitisplit
    likitisplit Posts: 9,420 Member
    Get some pepper spray, a taser, a knife. There are ways to protect yourself. Don't let sexual harassment hold you back.

    I would do that, but none of those are legal to carry here, and you are not allowed to own pepper spray or tasers.

    I don't think I'm doing it for myself in the first place. I've been losing weight and trying to get in shape for my partner, and all he really cares about is me not being fat. As long as I'm "not fat", we're good. Gotta stay skinnier than the ex-wife...


    What am I doing with my life? Seriously.

    That is a great question. If you lose no pounds at all, I think it would be good if you answered it.
  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    Confidence can also be a detterent. Think about it from that perspective. Your lack of self confidence is sabotaging you in many ways and you are using outside influences to demotivate you. Stop! You deserve to be confident, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be motivated to improve YOU! By improving your health (I won't use the word appearance because although a byproduct shouldn't be the sole motivation) you will in turn increase your energy level, your self confidence, and your personal drive! This can be extremely intimidating to men who would otherwise hoot, holler, and whistle. Live this life for you and your family, adopt a buddy system when you will be walking outside long distances. If you are concerned beyond that consider a detterent such as a whistle or purse alarm and when one of this idiots bothers you... Make it known. Take care of you!

    This is great advice! I personally think your question and concerns are legitimate, so ignore the haters who say you are being a troll. They lack emotional intelligence.

    There are women who subconsciously do not want to lose weight (or feel conflicted about it) for a variety of reasons, including being sexually more attractive. Some of these women were raped or abused in the past and the weight feels like a protective mechanism to avoid sex.

    Start weight training. I have found that it has made me feel more powerful and confident. Skeevy men tend to pick on women who look meek or insecure.
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member
    Confidence can also be a detterent. Think about it from that perspective. Your lack of self confidence is sabotaging you in many ways and you are using outside influences to demotivate you. Stop! You deserve to be confident, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be motivated to improve YOU! By improving your health (I won't use the word appearance because although a byproduct shouldn't be the sole motivation) you will in turn increase your energy level, your self confidence, and your personal drive! This can be extremely intimidating to men who would otherwise hoot, holler, and whistle. Live this life for you and your family, adopt a buddy system when you will be walking outside long distances. If you are concerned beyond that consider a detterent such as a whistle or purse alarm and when one of this idiots bothers you... Make it known. Take care of you!

    This is great advice! I personally think your question and concerns are legitimate, so ignore the haters who say you are being a troll. They lack emotional intelligence.

    There are women who subconsciously do not want to lose weight (or feel conflicted about it) for a variety of reasons, including being sexually more attractive. Some of these women were raped or abused in the past and the weight feels like a protective mechanism to avoid sex.

    Start weight training. I have found that it has made me feel more powerful and confident. Skeevy men tend to pick on women who look meek or insecure.

    I do weight train. I'm kind of on "meh" terms with it.
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    It's not uncommon for women to look at extra weight as "armor" and feel ambivalent about losing weight for the exact reason you cited. I had a somewhat similar reaction when I first started thinking about gaining -- I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of being the "skinny" girl. It helped me to remember that change can always be reversed. If you lose weight and the attention becomes unberable, you can gain some or all of it back. Usually that's not a selling point when you're talking about weight loss, but it might help you to remember that nothing you're doing is necessarily permanent. You can go back to being this version of you if you need to.

    I agree with the idea that confidence can be a deterrent. I don't mean this in a "blaming the victim" kind of way and I hope you don't take it as such, but sometimes the energy we project influences the reactions we get back. You could be giving off kick-*kitten* vibes right now, I don't know, but losing a little bit of weight might help you project a "don't mess with me" vibe if it makes you more confident in you.

    You can also easily add the illusion of 15-20 pounds using clothing, if you want. You can lose the weight and put it back on whenever you need to. Layering and maybe a big puffy coat would do it.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    You need to just own yourself and your decisions and not worry about what other people say/think/do.
  • Pretty_vacant
    Pretty_vacant Posts: 3

    Harassment is a power thing, not an attractiveness thing.

    THIS. If you lose 25 lbs or put on 25lbs, some men are still going to harass you. Harassment is horrible, demeaning and sometimes frightening, and it reinforces the idea we seem to have in Western society that you (as a woman) are only worth as much as your appearance, and your body is public property. You are NOT an object, you are a human being with agency, and you can't let the harassers win by letting their actions dictate your choices. There is no shame in wanting to appear attractive - to yourself, your partner, or even, if you wish, to strangers on the street. There is no shame in wanting to diminish the harassment you receive either, and the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. Do what makes YOU happy in your body and your life, and don't let yourself live in fear.
    (The Hollaback! project has information, stories and practical advice regarding street harassment, as well as running events. It might be worth checking out as a way to increase confidence or even to share your stories and get some support - www.ihollaback.org )
  • shining_light
    shining_light Posts: 384 Member

    Harassment is a power thing, not an attractiveness thing.

    THIS. If you lose 25 lbs or put on 25lbs, some men are still going to harass you. Harassment is horrible, demeaning and sometimes frightening, and it reinforces the idea we seem to have in Western society that you (as a woman) are only worth as much as your appearance, and your body is public property. You are NOT an object, you are a human being with agency, and you can't let the harassers win by letting their actions dictate your choices. There is no shame in wanting to appear attractive - to yourself, your partner, or even, if you wish, to strangers on the street. There is no shame in wanting to diminish the harassment you receive either, and the two don't have to be mutually exclusive. Do what makes YOU happy in your body and your life, and don't let yourself live in fear.
    (The Hollaback! project has information, stories and practical advice regarding street harassment, as well as running events. It might be worth checking out as a way to increase confidence or even to share your stories and get some support - www.ihollaback.org )

    Thanks for sharing this! I shared one of my stories on their website just now. I appreciate seeing a group that sees the problem and is trying to do something about it.

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