I am asking for help!

morning_joy · May 2014

I have several different areas that I need it and I am hoping that through this huge, diverse community there will be people who have dealt with at least one of the issues and can offer some guidance, support and motivation.

Before you start reading, I will warn you that I am going to be ridiculously honest and open. I don't seem to have cultivated that filter that helps you decide what is appropriate to share. Mostly because I am desperate to change several aspects of my life...what I have been doing is clearly not working...and this is the option I though of.

1. I have a 19 year old son who is struggling with addiction. A year ago...almost to the day...he went into rehab for a heroin addiction. Yep!! He has had a complicated life. I am not making excuses but it is what it is. He has had four open-heart surgeries which my medical family members tell me opened up to a healthy opiate addiction. He is also screwed genetically as we have addiction on both sides of our family. His dad is bipolar and was an addict for most of our marriage and most of his life. I have operated as a single mother (although still married) for most of his life. Anyway...At 17, he tried an opiate based pill at a party and was immediately hooked. He used the pills for a bit until his caring drug dealer told him that heroin was cheaper and a better high. God Bless the Drug Dealers!! Anyway. I discovered my baby (yep, that is still who he is to me) was shooting up heroin last March. It took us 6 weeks to get him into a rehab facility. He had been clean for almost a year when he relapsed. Sorry for all the back ground and yes, I do know there are groups for me to deal with this but here's the thing...it has GREATLY affected my interest in taking care of myself. I had to ask him to leave home for a bit and that was the hardest thing I had ever done. I crashed...spent a week just getting to work and then coming home and sobbing. I am now trying to pull myself out of that particular pit. I have come to accept that I can't manage his addiction or recovery. That I am a bystander. That I can pray and love and be here but that all the rest is him. What I can do....what I need to do...is manage my recovery.

2. I am in a 26 year marriage that is based on financial need and not any kind of emotional connection anymore. As I said above, my husband is bipolar and was an addict for most of our marriage. I stayed married...although not always together...because as ****ed up as he was, he always had a good salary and health insurance which I needed for my son's heart. So he has been clean for 4 years. Now I can leave or stay. Again, I feel like I can't address this problems or issue until I deal with myself but at the same time, the lack of physical and emotional intimacy is a really big deal for me personally. We have not shared a room for 5 years although we periodically have sex when He finally gets in the mood. I am a very sexual, passionate person who really needs physical affection and emotional connections with people. Those needs have been stuffed (literally) for 26 years. So that is another area I need to address.

3. I am clearly overweight and very unhealthy because of the weight. I eat really healthy food but I also add in a dessert each day. I put on 70 pounds with my two boys' pregnancies. I was on bed rest for both because I lost a child earlier due to an eating disorder and my body was so grateful to have healthy food in appropriate quantities and me not working out for 4 hours a day that it grabbed on to every calorie it could get. I have never taken that weight off. I have been on every plan, every diet, every pill. I have worked out for 20 hours a week. I have had a personal trainer, dietitian and doctor working with me. The times I have done best with my health and weight loss is when I was wanting to do so for another person...a reunion, a flirtation, a new job. I need to find the desire inside myself to do this for me. I think I find it. I have it for a bit but when something hard comes up in my life...I crash.

4. I want more people in my life....has anyone else found this? You get overweight....you get depressed....you lose all connection with people. In addition to that usual condition, being the spouse of a bipolar addict also causes you to isolate. I hike alone. I workout alone. I want break out of this. I want friends. I want people to go do things with. I want people to be active with. My husband is not active and my boys are going away to college. I NEED people in my life. How do you do that...How do you safely find people. I have tried craigslist but it is not really the place to look for friends...more hook-ups.

So...I know this has ended up being a really long convoluted post. I don't even know what I am asking for. People who can relate to one of the issues. People who have successfully navigated through one of the issues. People who want to kick my *kitten* at 5am and make me get out and hike. People who live in the Carson/Tahoe area who would love someone to be active with. I just know that I can't do these things alone. I need to make major changes in my life and I guess...the first step...is asking for help.

Thank you.

Juliana

uconnwinsnc · May 2014

wow...:frown:

morning_joy · May 2014

I know. Sorry. Struggling in so many ways today.

Francl27 · May 2014

I'm sorry. You seem in a hard place. I totally relate to your last bit though... I can't seem to be able to meet people either... although I know it's mostly my fault because I've been so disappointed with friendships in the past that I don't typically let them go that far anymore. Maybe volunteer somewhere or something?

For your weight, well, I know I've succeeded and honestly if I can do it, you can do it too. I LOVE food, I have a crazy sweet tooth... but think of it this way... that's ONE thing you can control. You can't help your son or your husband but you can help yourself.

RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle · May 2014

I'm a bad listener today, but I got the gist of your post. Take baby steps. Make some friends and focus a little time on other endeavours that are just for your happiness. Give what you can to others when you have the energy. You can find happiness in chaos, many have been in your shoes:)

jodyblanchard · May 2014

I have several different areas that I need it and I am hoping that through this huge, diverse community there will be people who have dealt with at least one of the issues and can offer some guidance, support and motivation.

Before you start reading, I will warn you that I am going to be ridiculously honest and open. I don't seem to have cultivated that filter that helps you decide what is appropriate to share. Mostly because I am desperate to change several aspects of my life...what I have been doing is clearly not working...and this is the option I though of.

1. I have a 19 year old son who is struggling with addiction. A year ago...almost to the day...he went into rehab for a heroin addiction. Yep!! He has had a complicated life. I am not making excuses but it is what it is. He has had four open-heart surgeries which my medical family members tell me opened up to a healthy opiate addiction. He is also screwed genetically as we have addiction on both sides of our family. His dad is bipolar and was an addict for most of our marriage and most of his life. I have operated as a single mother (although still married) for most of his life. Anyway...At 17, he tried an opiate based pill at a party and was immediately hooked. He used the pills for a bit until his caring drug dealer told him that heroin was cheaper and a better high. God Bless the Drug Dealers!! Anyway. I discovered my baby (yep, that is still who he is to me) was shooting up heroin last March. It took us 6 weeks to get him into a rehab facility. He had been clean for almost a year when he relapsed. Sorry for all the back ground and yes, I do know there are groups for me to deal with this but here's the thing...it has GREATLY affected my interest in taking care of myself. I had to ask him to leave home for a bit and that was the hardest thing I had ever done. I crashed...spent a week just getting to work and then coming home and sobbing. I am now trying to pull myself out of that particular pit. I have come to accept that I can't manage his addiction or recovery. That I am a bystander. That I can pray and love and be here but that all the rest is him. What I can do....what I need to do...is manage my recovery.

2. I am in a 26 year marriage that is based on financial need and not any kind of emotional connection anymore. As I said above, my husband is bipolar and was an addict for most of our marriage. I stayed married...although not always together...because as ****ed up as he was, he always had a good salary and health insurance which I needed for my son's heart. So he has been clean for 4 years. Now I can leave or stay. Again, I feel like I can't address this problems or issue until I deal with myself but at the same time, the lack of physical and emotional intimacy is a really big deal for me personally. We have not shared a room for 5 years although we periodically have sex when He finally gets in the mood. I am a very sexual, passionate person who really needs physical affection and emotional connections with people. Those needs have been stuffed (literally) for 26 years. So that is another area I need to address.

3. I am clearly overweight and very unhealthy because of the weight. I eat really healthy food but I also add in a dessert each day. I put on 70 pounds with my two boys' pregnancies. I was on bed rest for both because I lost a child earlier due to an eating disorder and my body was so grateful to have healthy food in appropriate quantities and me not working out for 4 hours a day that it grabbed on to every calorie it could get. I have never taken that weight off. I have been on every plan, every diet, every pill. I have worked out for 20 hours a week. I have had a personal trainer, dietitian and doctor working with me. The times I have done best with my health and weight loss is when I was wanting to do so for another person...a reunion, a flirtation, a new job. I need to find the desire inside myself to do this for me. I think I find it. I have it for a bit but when something hard comes up in my life...I crash.

4. I want more people in my life....has anyone else found this? You get overweight....you get depressed....you lose all connection with people. In addition to that usual condition, being the spouse of a bipolar addict also causes you to isolate. I hike alone. I workout alone. I want break out of this. I want friends. I want people to go do things with. I want people to be active with. My husband is not active and my boys are going away to college. I NEED people in my life. How do you do that...How do you safely find people. I have tried craigslist but it is not really the place to look for friends...more hook-ups.

So...I know this has ended up being a really long convoluted post. I don't even know what I am asking for. People who can relate to one of the issues. People who have successfully navigated through one of the issues. People who want to kick my *kitten* at 5am and make me get out and hike. People who live in the Carson/Tahoe area who would love someone to be active with. I just know that I can't do these things alone. I need to make major changes in my life and I guess...the first step...is asking for help.

Thank you.

Juliana

Bless your heart. How difficult this has been for you. As a 65 year old person, I want to tell you life is short. Very short. Don't waste any time. Please make a decision about your marriage as soon as possible. If you can't leave due to financial issues, then make a life apart from him...you're apart anyway. If that means joining a church or synagogue, going to something like OA, or even looking on line at things like dating web sites. Maybe there is someone there who is in the same trap you are in. Get into a Alon meeting or whatever the one is called for narcotics. You can do this. As Raspberry said, baby steps, but STEPS. Do not let yourself stagnate. Weight wise, try a ketogenic diet (just search the web). This diet helps with emotions. But in the meantime, take care of yourself. Take a class at night. Take your laptop to Starbucks and cuddle in a chair, then start a conversation with someone else who is alone. I am praying for you, your husband, and your sons. Now get up and do this thing!

sealionwoman23 · May 2014

I wish you the very best in each area that you have talked about. Dealing with addiction, especially with close family members, is a very difficult situation. As far as meeting people goes (and in terms of health!), I've really enjoyed small yoga classes. I really like the quiet setting and I've met some wonderful people that have helped me through some difficult times. I also have found that the meditative aspects of yoga have helped me a lot. The classes can be a little pricey, but for me it helps me so much in so many different ways that it's worth every penny! Again, you have my best wishes.

AnnaZimm70 · May 2014

For meeting people, try meetup.com. It is not a dating site, so you won't have the Hook up problem associated with Craigslist. Meetup has groups getting together for a wide variety of activities -- just depends what you like. Hiking, lunch, drinks, yoga, etc.

Good luck!

scottiebgood · May 2014

Don't know if you have YMCA nearby but you could try that ,just make a plan to do it everyday. I'd try one of their groups and make friends with someone that goes there everyday. I really wish I could swoop down there and just pull you out of that whole situation.
After reading this ,I know what I would do, it's time for tough love and you're not going to get any younger. I'd tell them all that you are now living for you,ONLY! Stress is a killer and you need a complete turn around. I'm not a professional Counselor,but,you can only change you. I'd be gone !

krazyforyou · May 2014

You simply must seek professional councling. That is way too much to have on your plate and face it alone. Check out your healthcare plan and make the appointment soon. Good luck to you.

MadTownD · May 2014

Thanks for being brave enough to share what you're going through.

Since you mentioned that you have decent insurance, could you reach out to a professional? You've reached out to this community, and to me therapy sounds like a really good option for some help in all that you are dealing with.

Also, make some positive friends here on MFP... it's really made a difference for me.

*HUGZ*

- Don

karmac0matic · May 2014

That's a sad story but sometimes, the hard things are what can lead us to achieving great things in life.

Sending all my wishes for the best in your direction. Good luck, and absolutely message if you want any support.

aliakynes · May 2014

There meetup.com where you can search for groups for like-minded people in your area that organizes events periodically. You can search your interests or pick a new hobby and let the meetup group help you get started.

There are also groups for family members of addicts (I don't know them, sorry). But you can call up a local religious center, they normally have information about that stuff or know who to call.

Good luck!

Krikit34 · May 2014

Are you part of a Nar-Anon group? I have a family member who is in AA and spouse is in Al-Anon. The people in their groups have become their strongest circle of friends, know how to help when there is a "fall off the wagon", understand the emotional strain and loneliness. People who have faced the same challenges and come out on the other side could provide you with support in ways you can't fathom.

amyloutoyou · May 2014

You are brave to reach out. I agree with those who urge you to join a kind of alonon group. But go further. You need a community, and it may take many attempts to establish one. What do you love? What are your special talents and interests? Nurture these, your gifts, in a communal environment and you will be involved with like-minded people. Can't think of talents and interests because you've lost yourself? Perhaps, begin in an open-minded community of faith. Avoid spiritual practices steeped in judgement. No one can save you, but you can save yourself with support. Blessings to you on your journey.

kittykat1994 · May 2014

Consider your happiness. Make decisions over your marriage over what feels right for you. Understandably there is financial issues surrounding this, but if you want to leave, and can leave, then do it. I think kids (not matter how young or old!) can sense that their mum and dads marriage isn't working and sometimes, in the long run, seeing their mum and dad adopt better life habits, can influence them to pull themselves together.

I don't believe that your sons addiction is genetic. I think it's an excuse to make the fact that he is a heroin addict seem easier for your family. I think your son needs a positive, happy person around him to help support his rehabilitation. He needs to be strong, as giving up heroin, I imagine, is probably one of the hardest things to do in the world - but it's not impossible!

Your weight issues, if you lose the desired amount of weight, by simply eating at a calorie deficit, then you'll regain your confidence which will help when you want to meet more people and make new friends.

Baby steps. Take an issue, fix it. On to the next thing. Try not to let it all overwhelm you. Good luck!

JenniB619 · May 2014

Wow, just wow. I'm sorry to hear all you're going through. I can't even imagine dealing with the things you are dealing with. I applaud you for sharing your story with everyone though. Sometimes, people just need to let it all out and hear feedback from non-biased people. I think everyone struggles with weightloss, and even in my situation I also struggle with finding friends who actually want to do activities outdoors. Although, I have found happiness in the workouts and programs I am using. I've lost a lot more weight than I ever thought I could in 6 weeks. So that has made me feel a lot happier and more confident about myself.

PikaKnight · May 2014

Are you seeing a therapist? If not, have you thought about seeing one?

zoeysasha37 · May 2014

Thanks for sharing your story. It seems you have a lot going on right now. You deserve all the credit in the world for not giving up on your Son. Many parents give up cuz addiction is very hard to deal with. I've also had issues with pain medicine and it's very hard to break that habit. You can send me a request if your looking for support, I'm on here daily. But if I where you, I would start by taking care of yourself first, then try to deal with the marriage issues. That's just my opinion and I'm no expert at all.
I think if you could join a YMCA or something like that, it would be a good start. Some places offer classes at low cost as well. In my area there's a place called police athletic league, they hold zumba, insanity, and other classes weekly for about $5 a class.
Have you looked into any counseling? if not, it might be a good idea. Again, in my area they have a place called family services. They give free and low cost help to anyone that wants it. Maybe see if your area has anything like that. If you work on yourself first, you may be better prepared to deal with the marital issues. There's also support groups for families dealing with addiction. I think it's called alanon. You might meet other Mothers/wives that have been in your situation and could help you along. Call your local AA or.NA groups and see if they can put you in touch with a family support system.
I wish you the best of luck!!! :-)

ChrisM8971 · May 2014

4. I want more people in my life....has anyone else found this? You get overweight....you get depressed....you lose all connection with people. In addition to that usual condition, being the spouse of a bipolar addict also causes you to isolate. I hike alone. I workout alone. I want break out of this. I want friends. I want people to go do things with. I want people to be active with. My husband is not active and my boys are going away to college. I NEED people in my life. How do you do that...How do you safely find people. I have tried craigslist but it is not really the place to look for friends...more hook-ups.

Hi Juliana,

I don't know if you remember me but you were one of the first few on my friend list, not sure who deleted who but was probably me if you were not active for a while.

I can associate with the above, I used to have a large circle of friends but slowly lost touch with them and I found that the heavier I got the less I wanted to be out in public and we all drifted apart. Not sure it would have made a difference to my current activities, I tend to go out alone and listen to music or books while walking and I spend a lot of time alone at hotels for work, in fact my job involves hours on my own in a car so I guess I get used to being on my own. However as I become more active I do find myself wishing for more people to share activities with.

I do hope things get better for you soon

morning_joy · May 2014

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am in Al-Anon...a long time member due to my husband's addiction...just never thought I would be there for my son as well.

I like your idea about having a life apart from my husband since right now I need to be married financially. I will work on that.

messiahs · May 2014

I am far younger but I have been through a lot in my life as well. Drama and issues with people's mental health that slowly hurt *my* mental health. I lost all my friends because I never left my house and stopped speaking to them. But you can get through it! I do agree with the others, in going and seeing a therapist, if it's possible for you. It's also important to leave your toxic husband, VERY. Or at least separate yourself from his doings. I am currently working at something similar myself - leaving a toxic household. You can get through these tough times and you can get back on track...!

CLessBeth · May 2014

Hi Juliana, My name is Beth..
I can relate to some of what you are going through.. I left a toxic marriage after 13 years... my ex was abusive verbally and mentally.
We also didnt share a bed, and hadnt in a few years, mainy because I was unable to bear children due to PCOS and he used that to beliitle me as a woman... The constant belittling and hurtful words destroyed any respect or love I ever had for him.. and the very sight of him.. made me ill...The control issues he had finally pushed me to leave..

I have a true honest relationship of 12 years now that far surpasses anything I could have ever imagined with whats his name...
My Stepdaughter Lisa, age 22, passed away Dec 21 2013 from a heroin overdose.. I dont know if it was mixed with something else or not, because we havent got the reports back yet.. still waiting..they are trying to figure out what it was cut with..
She struggled with addiction from age 15 up.. she started when someone gave her some opiates, then xanax.. then it progressed..
We sent her to rehab, after rehab.. she became violent with us and her brother.. she was stealing from us, her friends and the stores to get money to buy pills.We had to remove her from the home, because she was coming in our room while we were sleeping, and if we locked the door.. she would bang on the door loudly.. we were scared.. I know if she was herself, she would never have acted that way. it was the drugs . but it seemed like every time life got to be a little bit tough, she turned to drugs. always..
I hope you get some help for your son..Addiction is a terrible,terrible disease.. and it dont want to let go..

Everyone else is correct, Make a life for yourself outside of your marrige if you cant leave. You need to live a little.
You only get so many spins around the sun, dont waste any..!

I am on here every day, I have a long way to go on my weight loss Journey.. Feel free to add me if you want.. ~Beth

I am asking for help!

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