Anyone else no longer the "fat" friend?
_jayciemarie_
Posts: 574 Member
I moved to Nebraska 4 yrs ago. It is really hard to make friends when you are an unmarried adult without kids. My friend base has consisted of coworkers much younger than me. Suddenly I have found them pulling away from me and doing things without telling me. I hope this doesn't make me sound horrible, but since I have actually lost a lot of weight and am toning--I am getting a lot of attention from men. I think one of three things happened 1--they are tired of me being responsible and not indulging in the things they indulge. 2--Now that I'm close to a healthy weight and getting a lot of attention from men and they didn't have to worry about it before. 3--while they were saying "I need to lose weight" or "I need to workout" I actually did those things and got results, and they still haven't started.
So my question is this--is there anyone else that feels lonely because they lost weight and they are no longer the fat friend--they are feared as the competition? I'm still the same person--just healthier.
So my question is this--is there anyone else that feels lonely because they lost weight and they are no longer the fat friend--they are feared as the competition? I'm still the same person--just healthier.
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Replies
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I think you hit the nail on the head with all three.0
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Jealousy is an awful thing. I think no friends > toxic friends. I'd try to talk out what the real issues are with your friends. Listen to them, and then explain how their behaviour is being received by you. Then, if they can't accept that your lifestyle is 1.) not a threat to how THEY live/indulge THEIR lives and 2.) not their business, then move on. People who care about you will respect your boundaries. I used to get some of that crap, too, mostly from (female) family for some reason. I'm not even a "threat" to sexual jealousy because I'm asexual, so I don't reciprocate attraction to others and quickly deter unwanted advances. It's not cool for people to make you feel like crap over their own petty insecurities. Don't "deal" with it. Nip it in the bud. Stand up for yourself and command the respect that basic humans deserve. None if it's necessarily simple, but you're in a bit of a sticky situation, so handle with care.0
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I would think that most of the things/interests that drew you together have changed and now the connection is no longer there. You don't over do it with food...unlike them......I'm sure you have been more confident around men....unlike them.....you have demonstrated will power.......UNLIKE THEM......You will only be lonely so long as you keep seeking the same people you used to associate with before while you have dramatically changed! I hope I don't sound to callous because that is not my intention.
Oh and Congrats on the progress!! Don't let anything slow you down!0 -
Geesh. Its very hard to make friends and now they want to shun you because you lost weight? I'm going to have to tell everyone to please don't shun me once I loose my weight. I remember when I smoked cigarettes and then quit. You are so right. Those people were looking at me like... why are you here you snoot, you are not like us anymore. I don't think that they disliked me anymore, I think it was partly me thinking that they didn't like me. It was confusing.
However, being older gives you the advantage of just taking it with a grain of salt and letting it go. If they want to be your friend, then so be it. If they want to go and eat junk food, read your book and keep yourself busy. Go on your walk. Being healthier is soooo much better. Wait until they start to huff and puff getting up those flight of stairs and soon they will be visiting the doctor and waiting at the pharmacy picking up their bottles pills to control their blood pressure! Good luck sister.0 -
I would think that most of the things/interests that drew you together have changed and now the connection is no longer there. You don't over do it with food...unlike them......I'm sure you have been more confident around men....unlike them.....you have demonstrated will power.......UNLIKE THEM......You will only be lonely so long as you keep seeking the same people you used to associate with before while you have dramatically changed! I hope I don't sound to callous because that is not my intention.
Oh and Congrats on the progress!! Don't let anything slow you down!
Yeah, but not all common interests with friends involves food. I keep relationship with my friends by opting for activities that are not food-centric... I mean, food is survival, yeah. It comes up sometimes. I set boundaries on discussing diet because I have medical reasons to keep my eating habits a certain way. I will be in pain if I'm careless, or faint, etc. My real friends respected that. And learning about my genetic disorder and working on survival after some health complication never changed my friends and I having common interests. Hobbies. Playing video games, watching horror movies, dancing, jamming on our instruments together, going to concerts, fashion design and art projects, walking our dogs... Look, point is, there is a LOT more to life than food. Friends are more than eating buddies. Change can be scary for anyone, and changing diet isn't really an inherently dramatic change. I think just talking things out could be beneficial. It's unfair to assume they don't have other things in common to be missed.0 -
I would say don't make assumptions but also if they are pulling away and you're not devastated by it just move on. Join a fitness group and meet like minded people. You will make friends in no time. Chin up and drive your knees darlin!0
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It's funny, but I had an experience today that made me realise how different I am now that I am losing weight.
I met up with a work collegue that I used to socialise with, even though I am there is a big age difference.. We got on really well and had lots of fun after work. She left to go on maternity leave and spent a lot of time at the gym afterwards to get her figure back.
I have been exercising like crazy recently and have started to tone up, but not lost a lot of weight. She commented today on how thin and fit I looked, then started to rant about how she doesn't have time to exercise or watch what she eats.
It was like she was trying to make me feel bad, because I have the time to work out, and I live alone.
I am having none of that. She suggested a night out and a drinking session. I don't think so! I have worked too hard to ruin my week listening to her make excuses.
A bit harsh????0 -
I would think that most of the things/interests that drew you together have changed and now the connection is no longer there. You don't over do it with food...unlike them......I'm sure you have been more confident around men....unlike them.....you have demonstrated will power.......UNLIKE THEM......You will only be lonely so long as you keep seeking the same people you used to associate with before while you have dramatically changed! I hope I don't sound to callous because that is not my intention.
Oh and Congrats on the progress!! Don't let anything slow you down!
Yeah, but not all common interests with friends involves food. I keep relationship with my friends by opting for activities that are not food-centric... I mean, food is survival, yeah. It comes up sometimes. I set boundaries on discussing diet because I have medical reasons to keep my eating habits a certain way. I will be in pain if I'm careless, or faint, etc. My real friends respected that. And learning about my genetic disorder and working on survival after some health complication never changed my friends and I having common interests. Hobbies. Playing video games, watching horror movies, dancing, jamming on our instruments together, going to concerts, fashion design and art projects, walking our dogs... Look, point is, there is a LOT more to life than food. Friends are more than eating buddies. Change can be scary for anyone, and changing diet isn't really an inherently dramatic change. I think just talking things out could be beneficial. It's unfair to assume they don't have other things in common to be missed.
Hoping to clarify and then I'm out! I meant what I said and replied to the examples the OP gave. In order no less...... But......lets take it it further if needed....
Life does NOT end and begin with FOOD. I believe it would be logical to theorize that this is a small sample of several lifestyle changes that the OP has experienced that also affect personality, confidence, habits, interests, etc....The list really goes on and on....
Do you really think everything you listed isn't in some way affected by changes that the OP has undergone?
Once again...congrats OP!0 -
I think there is some possible truth in that if you're not indulging with them they may feel judged, or like you're not having a good time anyway. But I would also warn not to make assumptions. Your friends may be pulling away for another reason and your weight loss may be a convenient excuse. In any case, no, I haven't experienced this.0
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So my question is this--is there anyone else that feels lonely because they lost weight and they are no longer the fat friend--they are feared as the competition? I'm still the same person--just healthier.
Lonely? No way!!! I felt good!
Look, I have a friend who invite one of our common friend/acquaintance to their company (she's definitely pretty and all) but she declined because I was not there. But the thing is, this friend never even bothered to invite me when we were the original friends. I just accepted it because I thought people have choices BUT I learn to do the same with that person now. I don't even bother or sweat on inviting that person to any events anymore, Haha!!
Waste of time and energy. I'd rather go for a run..!!0 -
I hear some OP telling you to just move on. If they are co-workers, you have to deal with these people on a day to day basis. Sometimes people can make you or break you if you need information from them.
Chin up is a good approach and take the high road. Try not to let them see you are bothered. It may pass, and feelings change. Just be flexible and set an example, find other things to do. My friend always declined food outings because she had errands to run. No one was offended and later they did include her in different outings, like getting coffee or shopping. Maybe someday one girl will break off from the pack and join you in the weight loss.
Good luck.0 -
My name is April my husband had an affair and I left and shot up to 300 im 143 now abd kept it off for years including the x lol...congrats to all of u0
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I have... It sucks.
I have always been the heaviest of all my friends, now I'm the most fit and the most active. I catch under-handed jabs all the time... " That's easy for you to say now that I'm that fat one" " You're losing your boobies.... you're going to have to get a lot more interesting" " Oh i forgot .... Your counting calories x^} "
I was super offended before as if this whole time they thought I was this disgusting mess but that was okay as long as I made them look good by comparison.
I just try to think that this behavior has nothing to do with me ....they are just upset about themselves but do not want to make the effort to change. That's not my problem.0 -
Something my girlfriend gave me when I noticed people disappearing from my life:
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won’t anymore…
And who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Another one:
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
~Author unknown0 -
I have... It sucks.
I have always been the heaviest of all my friends, now I'm the most fit and the most active. I catch under-handed jabs all the time... " That's easy for you to say now that I'm that fat one" " You're losing your boobies.... you're going to have to get a lot more interesting" " Oh i forgot .... Your counting calories x^} "
I was super offended before as if this whole time they thought I was this disgusting mess but that was okay as long as I made them look good by comparison.
I just try to think that this behavior has nothing to do with me ....they are just upset about themselves but do not want to make the effort to change. That's not my problem.
Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
#attractivewhitewomenproblems0
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I don't think I've ever been "the fat friend" regardless of my size. I'm pretty good at understanding people and their motives and reading between the lines. For that reason I have very solid friends IRL who are the type who hold values that they would never make anyone in their life "the fat friend".
I think you know what I mean?
Go out and make the kinds of friends who don't apply labels like that to ppl and see you for your insides and morals/values/interests. Then you will always not matter what be "the biker friend" or "the stoic friend" or "the loyal friend" or etc.
Knowhaimean?0 -
#attractivewhitewomenproblems
oh soot it that what's going on here? I forgot to put my racist hat on today. wow maybe I misread the OP, someone help me...racist hat find it stat!0 -
you just needed better friends to start with! try joining some clubs or things like tae kwon do gyms,new friends are not going to come knocking on your door looking for you.Its good to weed unhealthy people out of your life and find new healthy ones,by healthy I mean mentally as much as physicallyI moved to Nebraska 4 yrs ago. It is really hard to make friends when you are an unmarried adult without kids. My friend base has consisted of coworkers much younger than me. Suddenly I have found them pulling away from me and doing things without telling me. I hope this doesn't make me sound horrible, but since I have actually lost a lot of weight and am toning--I am getting a lot of attention from men. I think one of three things happened 1--they are tired of me being responsible and not indulging in the things they indulge. 2--Now that I'm close to a healthy weight and getting a lot of attention from men and they didn't have to worry about it before. 3--while they were saying "I need to lose weight" or "I need to workout" I actually did those things and got results, and they still haven't started.
So my question is this--is there anyone else that feels lonely because they lost weight and they are no longer the fat friend--they are feared as the competition? I'm still the same person--just healthier.0 -
No offense, but do you not realize that the 3 speculations you gave about your friends are all backhanded insults about your friends?
Instead of imagining things about their psychology (things which, funny enough, flatter you and insult them) why don't you ask them why they've pulled away? Maybe you have changed, maybe you've developed some habits they find insulting, such as l dunno, arm-chair psychoanalysis that is designed to flatter yourself and insult those you're analyzing? Maybe you've become arrogant.
If it was just one friend pulling away, then sure, it might be that your friend has a problem, like jealousy. But assigning that to multiple people that are pulling away from you? I dunno, seems to me the problem may likely lie with you if all your friends are not wanting to be around you.0 -
No offense, but do you not realize that the 3 speculations you gave about your friends are all backhanded insults about your friends?
Instead of imagining things about their psychology (things which, funny enough, flatter you and insult them) why don't you ask them why they've pulled away? Maybe you have changed, maybe you've developed some habits they find insulting, such as l dunno, arm-chair psychoanalysis that is designed to flatter yourself and insult those you're analyzing? Maybe you've become arrogant.
If it was just one friend pulling away, then sure, it might be that your friend has a problem, like jealousy. But assigning that to multiple people that are pulling away from you? I dunno, seems to me the problem may likely lie with you if all your friends are not wanting to be around you.
I am definetely not arrogant! In fact, when I look at myself I see the same fat girl. I see all my imperfections. Even though I'm wearing smaller sizes and I "know" I have lost weight--I can't see it. I know that my friends pulled away from me. I didn't mean to put them down with a backhanded compliment. As like a lot of girls/women they like to post EVERYTHING on FB. Well, when you do that friends comment or contact you. My friend was mad because a guy friend wanted her to hook me up with him. I wasn't interested, but he kept hounding her (and even me via FB friend requests) to connect. I didn't. She got all upset about him "interested" in me and has since stopped talking to me and giving me the cold shoulder. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't post the picture. I didn't entertain anything. She got upset because her crush liked me. Therefore, I feel like it sucks, but at least now I don't have shallow people in my life.0 -
Misery loves company so now that your not feeling like them they no longer won't your company. Jealousy is a terrible thing. Keep your head up and stay motivated0
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Still that friend, but not the biggest at work anymore...0
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