The cycle of my obese mind.

lukewind · May 2014

I want to talk about the cycle of thinking that I and many other obese and overweight people fall into quite often. When you get so large that you start thinking of yourself as a monster unworthy of love and attention (yes, those were actual thoughts I have had) it becomes a vicious cycle of self abuse that causes many people to take their lives or in my case ball up and live out their days in complete emptiness, never so much as lifting a finger to save themselves.

I was balled up for quite some time and truly never thought there would be a way out. I would love to say that I have conquered that feeling completely, but that would be a very big lie. While that kind of thinking no longer rules my every waking moment like it did only a year and a half ago, there is still a strong echo on my subconscious from the years of absolutely hating myself. Every good day I have is still interrupted by those thoughts that I forced upon myself. Every single day the volume on those thoughts gets turned down a notch, but as I have come to realize it is gonna take a lot more to mute them.

Even after losing so much weight I still see myself in a poor light and it makes me angry that I can't see myself any other way, at least not yet. I dream about the day I finally reach my goal weight, but then I think of all the negative things that come with weight loss like mine. Is my skin gonna sag so much that I will look even worse then I do now? That is probably the one that gets stuck in my head the most. It is like my brain is pissed at me for losing weight and is making me crazy so I will just give up and start eating away the pain again.

I don't blame anyone for the condition that I am in, hell I wish I could blame someone sometimes just to get the weight of things off my back. But I know that its my fault and that I am the only one that can do anything about it. I am trying my hardest to stay motivated, but when you have no one to turn to at all and no one that is there to motivate you, and no one to do it for it can make it that much harder to keep going......but keep going I will, because even if my brain doesn't want me to believe that I can be happy I still want to try and prove to myself that I can do it. Maybe it won't make me happy but I guess I will not know unless I try.

Sorry for the rant, I just really needed to vent some frustrations. Feel free to share what your fat brain does to your self worth.

mulecanter · May 2014

Take this for what it's worth, I'm no professional counselor but I am old enough to be your dad. I'd suggest you find a counselor, you might be suffering from depression. It takes a professional to diagnose and perhaps prescribe medication to help you. Also, get a check up, rule out physical causes to your mental state. Having said all that, think about looking for other ways to focus your mental energy. Help others, you have lost a bunch of weight, that's a success story worth sharing. Set some goals, both physical and life goals. Take up a new hobby--perhaps one that is active and helps you continue progress on fitness goals. Are your spiritual needs being met? In a church? This is another good venue to help others and find help for yourself. Sometimes it's easy to fixate on your own problems until you pause and look outward and notice how good you have it compared to others around you.

traceywoody · May 2014

Self hatred is a horrible thing to battle. It is a battle in the mind. The well worn pathways in our thinking that lead us to all those familiar little lies. The path is so well worn that we think it must be the truth and we trudge along in the groove. It is possible to step off of that well worn path and forge a new one. Yes, it is tricky, unknown, unfamiliar and we don't know the way...YET. It starts with one little thought. Challenge that lie . Ask it, is that really the truth, or are there other things about me that don't fit this picture of "monster", "unloveable" "unworthy""I'll never reach my goal". Challenge it. Make new statements: "I am a human being worthy of love" "I will reach my goal even though it is hard". Slowly, very slowly, but surely, a new pathway can be forged. Yeah, sure, we still can fall back into the old pathway, it is a rut after all and very easy to fall into, hard to resist, but it can be done. Just like our diet and exercise goals, step by step. Little by little. It becomes a little easier, we see our way a little clearer. It can be done. I agree with mulecanter, therapy, church, support helps ALOT.

traceywoody · May 2014

I meant to say also that I think you are very strong. You are keeping on going. You are not giving up. I admire that and thank you for sharing yourself with us.

Jesusfrk9982 · May 2014

I know how you feel. I saw the no body shame campaign, and it just changed my way of thinking. Weight is coming off at a decent pace now, but I'm happy where I am now. Maybe something like this? You need to be happy with you,

When you've been big your entire life, like I have been, it does become an ingrained part of you. You feel so much shame for how you look, and its a vicious cycle. I still struggle with it, but i'm doing well, better than I ever have. I became sick and tired of not being able to do the things I wanted to because I was so ashamed of how I look.

I see things like these, and I know its true. You have to dig down and do them for yourself, and not for anyone else. Dump your shame, it doesn't do you any good.

I am very tired, so I apologize if that isn't 100 percent coherent. Have a good night.

lukewind · May 2014

Take this for what it's worth, I'm no professional counselor but I am old enough to be your dad. I'd suggest you find a counselor, you might be suffering from depression. It takes a professional to diagnose and perhaps prescribe medication to help you. Also, get a check up, rule out physical causes to your mental state. Having said all that, think about looking for other ways to focus your mental energy. Help others, you have lost a bunch of weight, that's a success story worth sharing. Set some goals, both physical and life goals. Take up a new hobby--perhaps one that is active and helps you continue progress on fitness goals. Are your spiritual needs being met? In a church? This is another good venue to help others and find help for yourself. Sometimes it's easy to fixate on your own problems until you pause and look outward and notice how good you have it compared to others around you.

Thanks, I do think that I will try and find some kind of hobby to keep my brain busy. I know that I have been depressed and its been a struggle with it for the last 20 years of my life.

As far as church goes that is kind of out of my realm as an Atheist and all, but I am sure it could be a comfort to some.

cebreisch · May 2014

I wish our minds sometimes were as easy to program as computers sometimes seem to be.

I wonder about what you wonder about a lot....put myself through all this and to have saggy skin that might look worse than I do now? Wow....the mind has really a way of trying to talk you out of stuff sometimes. I have to tell myself, "I'm not done yet. Deal with that bridge when you get to it."

I did lose 115 pounds, had skin removal surgery for another 26, and gained some back. The surgery was a bit more tricky to recover from than I expected, and then my dad died. It really is like you have the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other battling out how you should proceed. But you want to be healthy, don't you? Yeah, but Dad's gone now, and he was one of the biggest cheerleaders!! Just throw in the towel, he'll never know. But you'll be healthier, happier, able to do more things! But you won't be able to celebrate it with Dad.

Ugh.

Getting a counselor will help.

Finding things to occupy the mind helps also. It's also important to find ways to be able to relax, and be able to just clear the head.

Ftw37 · May 2014

I *totally* get where you are coming from.

At 419 pounds, I hated myself so much I didn't even look at myself in the mirror. If I caught a random glimpse of myself in a photo or in a mirror, I would sort of mentally "photoshop" myself out of the picture. It was like I didn't even exist to myself.

And I still have echos, like you do, of those negative self-feelings. It seems to be easier to lose weight than it is to love myself.

_Resolve_ · May 2014

I think the emotional part of extreme weight loss is something that everyone who has lost an awesome amount of weight will go through. I am also healing and trying to figure out who I am now, but beyond that is also remembering who I was. I wish I had some kind of advice to give, but I don't.

We will all figure this out eventually, the emotional roller coaster has been the hardest part of this journey for me. It's almost like I don't even know who I am anymore and I just met myself for the first time 2 months ago.

Scars are deep.

Sugarbeat · May 2014

Take this for what it's worth, I'm no professional counselor but I am old enough to be your dad. I'd suggest you find a counselor, you might be suffering from depression. It takes a professional to diagnose and perhaps prescribe medication to help you. Also, get a check up, rule out physical causes to your mental state. Having said all that, think about looking for other ways to focus your mental energy. Help others, you have lost a bunch of weight, that's a success story worth sharing. Set some goals, both physical and life goals. Take up a new hobby--perhaps one that is active and helps you continue progress on fitness goals. Are your spiritual needs being met? In a church? This is another good venue to help others and find help for yourself. Sometimes it's easy to fixate on your own problems until you pause and look outward and notice how good you have it compared to others around you.

Thanks, I do think that I will try and find some kind of hobby to keep my brain busy. I know that I have been depressed and its been a struggle with it for the last 20 years of my life.

As far as church goes that is kind of out of my realm as an Atheist and all, but I am sure it could be a comfort to some.

I agree with finding a counselor mainly because I've recently done this as well. I, too, have a lot of self hate going on and it, in itself, is a heavy weight. Forgive me for saying this if you are not interested but is there a Unitarian Universalist church in your area? If you aren't familiar with this you might google it as it is a church for those who want the community aspect without the religious stuff. They do a lot of community work which might help with feelings of self worth. Good luck to you either way and know that regardless of why you feel this way you are a strong person for recognizing and trying to fix it.

The cycle of my obese mind.

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