Potentional ED-NOS/Disordered Eating and/ord BDD?

Now I know If I didn't think I had an issue I wouldn't be posting right? well I need others perspectives besides the people I have confided to or people that have witnessed my behavior...This are random thoughts that come out of my mouth or pop into my head so very stream of consciousness..... A little background I had wls coming up 18 months ago and I lost about 146 lbs in 1 year from 284-148 (how I passed the psych exam to get the surgery is beyond me).

Right, now I am toning and getting more fit because of course I lost a lost of muscle...but I still want to lose "weight" These are really personal thoughts like a diary that I have not shared with many but I need other peoples constructive criticism even people I do not know.

Please do not bash or demean me. You will see by the following how much I do that myself... Some things might be offensive to people who are heavy but these are just crazy thoughts really, that pop in my head and I have been jotting them down for a long time and need to know if I need help...because I scare myself with these thoughts... ok here is everything copy and pasted from Google Keep Some of it is the same thing but explained different like I said these are my random thoughts I have been collecting. Please bear in mind as your read...

PS: I know that no one on here is probably a doctor or medical professional per say and therefore cannot diagnose anyone I just needs peoples OPINIONS if I have an issue and if I should seek professional help which I think I know the answer but want to hear what people who are into fitness and weight loss have to say about all this




I dont want to be pretty or what is considered beautiful I want be like the typical hot chick that turns heads. I get jealous and depressed of people would fit this ideal of beauty.

Sometimes I think I look cute/pretty or beautiful and am shocked at how pretty I am and never thought I was that good looking but other times which is most of the time I think I am fat, gross and disgusting. Have described myself to my husband that I look like Quasimoto or some other similar disfigured character.


I fixate on little imperfections like I think my eyes are messed up and one is misshapen.Constantly making before and after side by sides, posting them on FB or texting them to my husband or sister asking if they think I look fatter in the after pictures. Making them analyze my pictures to the tiniest detail with me and I dont take no for an answer when they don't want to give in to that kind of behavior.

I am feeling more and more insecure of my excess skin. Every time I am naked I am fixating on it. Asking my husband if it is that bad, asking him how much he dislikes it and if it looks horrible. Considering reconstructive plastic surgery.
I am still not happy with the weight on the scale. Still want to get to my personal goal of 120 and get as thin as possible without looking sickly.

I am a calorie prisoner. I do not go one day without tracking everything I eat besides coffee. I have told myself some days I will take a break and just see how it is but I am truly addicted because I can't stop. I can't go without my Fitbit either. I need that as if it is the word of God to tell me how many calories I am burning and steps and all the stats. It is my lifeline. I cried when I lost my first one and told my husband I can't live without my Fitbit, so I went to Best Buy that night and bought a new one because I couldn't even go a day without it.
I want to make sure that people that dont know me, people just walking down the street think I am "skinny". I have asked questions to my husband like " if a stranger saw on the street do you think they would describe me as skinny" my husband says yes but I dont believe him and argue with him and tell him I think him and my family and friends are all lying to me because they dont want to hurt my feelings but I am convinced they are all lying and wont tell me that I really am still chubby. I dont trust any of them And think because it is a sensitive subject no one wants to tell me the truth to spare my feelings. Any word like skinny,thin and small really bother me to hear like makes me a little angry because when you dont believe people are telling you the truth, I am sure it is not a surprise I would be defensive. I dont call myself those words and use things like "when I was bigger" "now that I am smaller" when I think about it is is still eluding to the fact that I am big and just a little bit smaller than I was.
But at the same time. I cringe at the word skinny. I hate when my husband or anyone that uses that word to describe me I do not feel I am skinny. I do not feel like I am truly accomplished with all the weight that I lost until I reach the goal that I still have in my mind and the ideals I make myself need to live up to.
I think about how every movement of the body burns calories. I try to move as much as possible even if it is a toe tap or something like that. I have even jokingly said to my husband that I like that sex burns calories but insist that is not he reason why I do it. I even wore my HRM once during so I could figure out approx how many calories I burn during intercourse. My mind and almost every thought is consumed by this how many calories I burned/ate or will burn. Worry I am eating too much and not burning enough cals.
I have said before that I am pretty sure I can feel myself getting fatter.

Always rubbing my hands on parts of my body to feel for bones and more muscle tone. Look at my arms or legs a lot to see if they are getting firmer and more toned. Most of the time whenever I get the chance and my hands are not busy this is what I am doing.
Remember when I was a teenager I wished I was anorexic or brave enough or had more guts to be bulimic and be able to make yourself throw up which I could never do.
When I was 7 or 8 I remember going to the fridge and eating lettuce leaves and one or my parents asking me what I was doing and I said I am eating lettuce and jumping on the bed to lose weight.
At some point as a teenager thought it was an ok way to lose weight was to fast or not eat.
Constantly and obsessively reading things on the internet about foods and drinks that will make u burn more cals,boost your metabolism,burn fat and will make u purge water retention. I can't not read articles or someting on pinterest look at lot of fitspiration pics. To motivate me and but also I feel like I want to torture myself.
On occasion take water pills and using diuretic tea to help lose water weight.
I am terrified and my life is consumed by the fear of getting fat again. It is my worst fear beyond anything else. I told my husband and sister I will kill myself if I gain the weight back like so many people do.

When I go to the restroom I think about how I am losing scale weight.

I look in the mirror or any reflection as much as possible. If I see any reflective object I need to take a peek at myself just so




Feel like if I am not obsessing over what I eat and consume and burn and tracking everything I will lose control and get fat again. And getting obese again is something that I completely and utterly fear with all my heart. It has replaced me getting pregnant as my biggest fear.

I think I am fat at 138 lbs. I obsess over any small or large imperfection and have insisted to my husband that I am not getting smaller. I am getting bigger and say how I look wider and how my belly looks fat and that I look like I am in early stages of being pregnant.

Every waking minute is spent thinking about food and intake and calories burned. I can't stop thinking about it. It is always there. I cannot think of a time that something fitness or weight related is on my mind.

I map about my fitness weekly routine a week or so ahead of time so it is planned and basically set. I make myself guilty of I happen to need to skip one of the days I scheduled for myself and just to justify it in my mind and why it is ok but I just think that is just me making excuses and in the fitness world. "No Excuses" is the motto.
I check my fit bit app hundreds times a day it seems and I am always on MFP app adding everything in. I cannot go without looking or wearing my fit bit. It is like a drug and crutch for me.
Even the thought has crossed my mind every once in a while that I wish I didn't have to eat a meal because it will add more cals to my intake for the day and I have to log it in MFP. . I even tracked my food when I was down with the flu for 3 days and barely ate anything.

I love the very thought of thinking that by weight lifting now, how I am boosting my metabolism and therefore burn more calories and even at rest. I am a lot of a type talking like a fitness trainer with all the knowledge I have now regarding anything fitness.

I feel like I am really fat still in my face,stomach and legs.

When I workout at the gym or any form of exercise/activity all I can think about is how many cals I am burning and makes me thrilled at the thought that everything I do burns energy. I am elated and extremely happy about burning cals.

I get really scared and paranoid since I have been eating my cals and my cal deficit per day is not as wide of a gap as it once was and cry and get emotional when I feel like or think I am ruining everything because I may have messed up some or am eating more normal. This is something I am very worrisome about. I am so frightened that I wont be able to control my eating and start eating like a pig again and become obese. So the whole world and all my friends and family would shake their heads and think told ya so she would fail and get fat again. I can't disappoint them and myself and be a failure.



Fixated on the number on the scale and reaching my goal of 120 and any weight fluctuations make me mad,depressed and angry. I still pretty much weigh myself everyday but I do believe since going to my personal training that sometimes have gotten better. I am not as obsessed with the number on the scale but then that focus I had on the scale is shifted into other things that I started more recently like scheduling out my exercise a week or more ahead of time.

Always looking at fitness articles,recipes on sites downloading fitness apps liking fitness pages on Facebook going on weight loss and fitness message boards googling for certain topics on weight loss and fitness. I have about 10-15 fitness related apps on my phone. Always looking what are some other good fitness app to download.


Am starting to feel like food and eating is gross and the act of putting food in your body is disgusting and we only eat because it taste good and makes us feel good and is just like sexual arousal and that we are turned on by food which is disturbing.


I am constantly comparing myself to others and cannot look at women primarily and analyze their bodies like I do mine.

Anything food and fitness related I am obsessed with to an unhealthy level my life revolves around anything related to those things. It is like a drug something that gets me high off of and I am addicted.

Any weight changes up on the scale make upset, depressed and have anxiety.
Compulsively track and monitor my calorie intake and what I have burned By recalculating and an analyzing repeatedly My fitness pal accounts and fitbit to always make sure I have a calorie deficit. Adding and subtracting on a daily basis what I have burned and eaten to make sure I always am in ok ranges. Always looking at my intake and calories in real time so I can make sure I can eat what I might want to eat. Typically if I cannot fit it within my calorie goal I will not eat it. Believe certain foods that are bad are just not worth the calories even though It is ok to have what is bad sometimes.
I am literally afraid of calories,. I always want to have a calorie deficit just so I can make sure I do not put on pounds of fat even when I am instructed by my training to eat at maintenance for a while to give my body a break. The thought of eating at maintenance scares me. Especially since the smaller you are the less calories you burn.


Not only have pressure from myself to stay thin. I have pressure from my family and friends. I can't accept failure from myself or others. Because I don't want those people secretly hoping I fail see me fail and say ha I knew she would get fat again.

The only reason I asked for a standing desk at work is so I can stand part of the day because I know standing burns more calories and so I can do squats or push ups using my desk. My goal is to stand at least 3 hrs a day with in my 7.75 hour work day because again standing burns more cals than sitting. The plan is to break it up in segments throughout the day.
I am going to print off exercises that I can do at my desk/cube so I am a calorie burning machine.


When former trainer says do cardio 4-6 days a week, I opt for the 6 days because I have to over achieve and do the max of everything.

I used to walk to work and sometimes back if the weather wasn't bad which is 4 miles one way. I had no issue doing that 5 days a week even though people thought I was crazy even my husband. Told a now former friend about it and him and I joked and laughed about the "lazy Americans"

I am disgusted by fat people. I just look at them and judge them and think about how they are just all unburned calories and they need to lose weight and stop being lazy. I still look at obese people and wonder if I was as big as them when I was obese.

I am upset that I can no longer take the stairs to the 4th floor at work and forced to take the elevator because there is something wrong with the badge scanner for me to get into that door. I walk as much as possible so I can just always stay moving because the more you move even fidgeting the more calories you burn.