Morbidly Obese Mom

I never imagined I would get so many wonderful responses and advice from such kind people. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read my post and respond. Thank you all. I took the time to respond to everyone's post to show my appreciation. I feel more confident that I can be of more help to my mom and that she can get through this. I know it won't be easy and it is not guaranteed to work because ultimately it will be up to my mom, but I won't give up on her because I love her and she has dedicated her life to me and my brother and sister and has always been there for us despite her stress, depression, and pain. , I'm definitely going to be there for her. I've seen her sad and in pain for most of my life and I know if she could lose enough weight, she would be a much happier person, and I would do ANYTHING to help make that happen. Again, thank you all.

Stir Fry? Has veggies and protien... I'm sorry for what you are going through with your Mom. Hugs to you because I do know that is a lot to deal with.

I'll come up with a few more simple meals and repost. :flowerforyou:

Thank you for the tip! I’ll definitely look into Stir Fry

I feel for you, you took the role of caregiver and feel sorry that you had to. You seem like a young woman that as a great sense of responsabilities.

Ok you love your mother but the person that needs to make the effort is first your mother, without the will to improve her general health you face a lot of frustration.

I would suggest that you plan food around your own needs, buy fresh fruits and vegetables, lean meat, beans, etc. What cost a lot at the grocery store is mostly the processed food.

You can make a large batch of ground turkey chili at a reasonable price, a big pot of vegetable soup for practically nothing, there are tons of recipes out there that can meet your budget. Now if your mom wont eat it, it is her choice. Just dont buy the cookies, cola and popcorn. I am sure she can buy them on her own, just dont participate or cooperate in her bad eating habits.

Probably wont change much but at least you will know that you are the responsable loving adult. Tough love is the answer.

Growing up I felt powerless to help her. Now that I’m older, I feel like I want to do all I can to help my mom. I love her more than she will ever know and will do just about anything for her. Thank you for your tips. A big pot of vegetable soup sounds like a wonderful idea. I don’t have much experience with cooking. I hope she allows me to cook for her. Ground turkey chili sounds like a good idea as well. Your advice on not to buy unhealthy stuff for her made me remember all the times I have done it because I wanted her to be happy. I’ve used my money I’ve gotten from scholarships and financial aid to help her with her grocery shopping and would often buy her her expensive popcorn and soda and sometimes have even treated her to some fast food meals. I feel like a terrible daughter for having done this. I love her so much that I like to make her happy because she goes through so much pain and stress. But I know better now. You are right. Next time I give her money for groceries, if she wants unhealthy food, she will have to buy it herself and I will tell her how much I disapprove of it. Tough love to an extent, might be the answer. Thanks for your post.

Really sorry to hear this.

I am not an expert and I'm sure there are books you can get about this subject or Doctors/nutritionists you can ask who have advice for this kind of situation.

Depending on what kind of junk food she eats, I would probably start there and make healthier versions of food she likes to offer her. A burger does not have to be unhealthy, neither does pizza. I also think you have to gradually cut back on the sugary drinks and snacks and not take it all away at once.

Beyond that, a lot of it is psychological. Your mum seems to have given up, she feels like it does not matter what she does and food is her only comfort at this point. So the best thing to do is to sit her down and explain that you love her and want her to be around for a long time and that she does it owe it to her family to do her best. And then say that you will not support her in eating foods that are killing her.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your post. Gradually cutting back is probably the only way she can cut back. That is interesting how you say a burger and pizza doesn’t have to be unhealthy. I’ll look more into that. I believe you are right about it being psychological. I think my mom has given up. She does find food as her comfort. As sad as this may sound there have been times where me and my siblings have told her that she is going to die if she keeps eating the foods she is eating and she has replied with “I’m going to die anyway, might as well die happy.” That right is proof that she has given up and finds comfort in food. I’ve heard her say that many times. It’s painful to hear her so calmly and matter of factly state that she is going to die. I have had a talk with my mom about a week ago, the biggest talk I’ve ever had with her about her diet and she yelled and screamed at me up until when I got tears in my eyes and told her how much I care about her and would do anything for her and she was a little more gentle on me but still wanted me to leave her alone. About an hour later, she told me that she was going to try to make a change and try to cut back. I was so relieved and happy but she is constantly breaking the limits of daily popcorn and sodas she set for herself. It’s a bit discouraging. I’m sure if she had some other alternatives though, she would probably not be eating so much popcorn and drinking so much sodas. Maybe if she got more into the habit of snacking on vegetables and drinking more water.

Your mum must be in such a dark place that's just too scary to attempt getting out of. What an incredily supportive family she has though. I love the fact that your post was full of concern and not judgement. Sounds really serious to me though and that your family needs some support - can your doctor, or social services or anyone give some expert help? Is there anyway of cutting off the supply of junk food so that she has to eat whatever healthy options you provide?

I think you are right. My mom is in a scary and dark place. She hates herself and life for her is hard. She finds comfort in food and probably believes she would be even more miserable if she were to stop eating all of the unhealthy stuff that she enjoys. My mom goes to doctors a lot and they always tell her how serious her health problems are and that she needs to try to eat healthier and exercise but for whatever reason, she knows what they say are true it’s just I think she doesn’t believe she can do it. I’ve told her of success stories I have read about people losing a lot of weight and she told me that if she had her own personal trainer who stayed on top of her about eating healthy and exercising she probably could do it too but she just doesn’t feel like she has enough motivation. Since me and my siblings are who she lives for, I think we have the best chance of motivating her. If I could find and afford a personal trainer that could help her, I would try to get her one. I have looked into it but haven’t had much success. I’m not sure if there is any way junk food could be cut off. My mom will just buy it herself with the money she gets from disability and tanf. I could however try to buy more healthy stuff and if she gets into the habit of eating that, maybe the junk food supply might diminish a bit. Thanks for your post.

Who goes and buys the food and brings it home and cooks it? She or some of the kids?
Start buying different foods -- that will help the whole household.

My mom uses one of the stores scooters when she goes to the grocery store and sometimes we run in and get her stuff. I’m going to stop running in and getting her unhealthy food though no matter how much mad she gets at me. I’m definitely going to try to buy different foods. You are right, it will help the whole household. Thanks.

Is your mom able to go out and buy her own food? If not, the easiest way to improve her diet might be to simply buy very healthy foods, and cook small, low calorie meals with it. Also, if she likes popcorn, you could always switch from bags of the buttery stuff, to air-popped salted popcorn. It's still not going to be healthy in huge amounts (like anything, really) but it's better than the alternative. Making sure you only have calorie-free drinks in the house could also really help. It's so easy to drink massive amounts of calories, and then still feel hungry afterwards.

Your mom is probably in a really scary place right now. She probably feels guilty that she has to rely on her children so heavily, and at the same time she might feel like it's hopeless for her to try and change. That said, with people who have a lot of weight to loose, dieting alone can work wonders. If you are in charge of most meals, try to cut back on the carb portion (bread, rice, potatoes, corn, etc), while providing a lean meat, and make sure half the plate is colourful veg. As far as exercise goes, just taking a walk around the block might help.

I'd definitely suggest talking to a doctor and/or a dietitian before making any big changes, just to be safe (especially where exercise is concerned). If there's an affordable councillor in your area, it might not hurt to see if you can get her to go to a session with you and any other family members involved. I agree with everyone else who's saying that your mom is probably really scared and might be using food as a means of comfort. It could be a vicious cycle.

My mom does go out and buys some food for herself. I do plan to buy more healthy foods and try to encourage her to consume less calories. Air-popped salted popcorn sounds like a good idea. I have mentioned air-popped popcorn to my mom before and she told me she just can’t give up the popcorn she has. Maybe with enough encouragement she might be willing to give the air-popped popcorn a try, I’m just afraid she will load it with butter and salt. My mom usually only buys coke zeros, and I’m not sure if that is good or bad for you. It has zero calories so it seems like it might be ok, but it’s still soda. I have seen her drink diet sodas as well which I know even though it’s diet, is not good for her. What you said about her being in a scary place and that she feels guilty that she has to rely on her children is completely true. She hates to have to borrow money from us and rely on us to help take care of her because she feels like it should be the other way around. She hates how she is living and she feels pathetic and I feel so bad for her. I think she often does feel hopeless to try to change. Like I have responded to another person, she has said before in response to me and my siblings trying to get her to eat healthier, she has said “I’m going to die anyway, might as well die happy/ a little happier.” She says this sometimes but there are times that she shows a glimmer of hope that she could make a difference. Thank you for the tip about eating less carbs. Half the plate being a colorful veg, is also another good tip. As for the tip for the tip about her walking around the block, I really wish this could be possible and I know that if could help her a lot. But she can barely walk. And in my state it is really hot outside and she can’t stand the heat. She can hardly catch her breath with she walks. I can’t see her walking even down the street as sad as it might sound Maybe someday she can get there. Thanks for your post.

sorry to hear about your mum being the way she is.

I couldn't read all your post because omg paragraphs!! but the thing is you can't make people change their ways unless they really want to do it for themselves.

Keep trying tho, maybe try to incorporate small changes at a time. Get an air popcorn machine and make your own healthier popcorn (little to no salt/ butter) try to get her to switch to diet drinks (they're not great but a lot better) and see if you can make up some healthier homemade versions of fast food meals/

good luck

I’m sorry about the paragraphs; this is actually a much shorter version of the first draft I made of this. I tried to make it shorter. I didn’t like how this forum didn’t allow me to make paragraphs by indenting, but now I know that I if I want to make paragraphs I have to make a space. You are right about the fact that I can’t make my mom change her ways unless she really wants to do it for herself. I’m sure she wants to, it’s just that she’s not sure she can. I know that she doesn’t want to stop eating popcorn or drinking sodas though. I’m going to keep trying. Getting an air popcorn machine is something that I’m going to definitely look into. She does drink diet sodas and sometimes coke zeros but I don’t know how ok they are for her. Healthier homemade versions of fast food meals would be great. Thanks for your post.

Paragraphs, and start planning for "after." No sense in being unprepared when the inevitable happens, and it will be sooner than later if she doesn't change her YOLO diet

I wasn’t entirely sure what you meant by this but I’m sure you are right that being prepared for the inevitable is a good idea, it’s just that I don’t know if I could ever be “ok” with the inevitable and I refuse to give up on her. She has shown that she is willing to try some and I think maybe with enough motivation, it doesn’t have to be “inevitable” I hope… Thanks.

This post is breaking my heart.
I think you might try to get her to "join you" in your healthy lifestyle. Take baby steps. If money is an issue, go to the library and check out some walking dvds or even yoga for seniors - start out slow. Do the dvds with her. Try to make it a special, fun, family thing for the two of you to do together . Even if you just get up with her during commercials on tv and just walk around the house or get some canned vegetables and have a contest who can get the most "reps" lifting the cans during commercials. (no cost.) Just be sure to discuss any activity with her doctor before you do it. I encourage you to go to her doctor appointments with her. He or she may be all for it or even could offer suggestions.
There are all kinds of websites to offer healthy meal ideas (skinnytaste is one) or again - again, the library is a wonderful free resource.
It will be up to your Mom to make the ultimate decision about getting healthy. She's so lucky to have a supportive, caring like you!

Thank you. This is wonderful advice. I will look into dvds at the library, maybe I could get my whole family to do it. We could all benefit from being healthier. I just hope I can convince my mom to try it. I think it could help her a lot if we start out slow. Definitely will have to check with her doctor, I would not want to give her any advice that would lead to her getting hurt. I’ll look into more websites as well. Thank you for the advice and your compliment

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I'm afraid that you're gonna have to accept the fact that the only one who can really make a change in your mom's life is her. You can, however, nudge her along. Maybe you can push her towards seeing therapist or a counselor to get her into the mindset of wanting to change. If not, you can try a few things, but you can't really do it unless she wants to.

She can't stand too long, but does she have a walker? Maybe you can start taking a short walk down the block and back.
Can she do sitting aerobics? You don't have to jump up and down to benefit from some movement. Don't forget that someone at her weight will burn a lot of calories just form a very short amount of movement. Find some youtube videos and do them with her, or get exercise videos from the library. (I'm suggesting free alternatives so that cost is no excuse in doing these things).

As for food, would she be willing to exchange one thing a day for a healthy alternative? her body is used to very processed foods, so you have to find alternatives that provide the kick she needs without the bad stuff. As someone who can eat two bags of microwave popcorn in one sitting, I can tell you that I hate air popped pop-corn, but a little hot sauce on that stuff suddenly makes it a lot better. Swap fried chicken for baked, swap one soda for ice water or seltzer water. Little things that can lead to bigger changes over time.

And, if you can't get her to do anything, don't blame yourself. Know that you have done all you can to encourage her. Stand by her side and love her and let her know that you want her to change her habits because you want to keep on loving her for years to come. But don't blame yourself for her issues.

You are right. It is ultimately up to my mom but I will continue to try to nudge her along. I’m not sure if I could convince her to go see a therapist and I’m not sure if she would even take their advice because she hardly takes the advice of doctors. I don’t know if her insurance would cover it. My mom uses a cane to walk. It would be wonderful if she could walk down the block but unfortunately at this point in time, I just don’t see it being possible. Maybe someday she can get there though. It’s just that she goes through so much pain when she walks, like I mentioned in another post, I can’t even see her walking down the street. She gets out of breathe. Also my mom cannot sit on the ground. If she were to sit, it would be extremely hard if not impossible for her to get back up by herself. It’s encouraging to know that at her weight she can burn a lot of calories with any movement. I’ll look into youtube videos and library videos and doing them with her is also a good idea. I’ve tried convincing my mom to cut out popcorn or to even get healthier popcorn but so far, she treats popcorn and sodas like she’s addicted to them and just can’t see herself cutting them out. However maybe if she could be get full and satisfied with something healthy, she might not feel the need to grab one of those unhealthy things. Hot sauce on air-pop corn sounds good. Thanks for the tips. Your last paragraph made me feel a bit better and feel a bit more encouraged Thank you for your post.

If you havn't already, consider signing her up for health insurance under the "Health Care Initiative". I believe from what you describe, her life is really in danger and that would make her eligible for weight loss surgery - meaning bypass, lapband etc. You have gotten some excellent advice here but I'm trying to offer you some alternatives. This could save her life!

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely look into it. It would be wonderful if my mom qualified for this and it really allowed her to be able to get the surgery and if the surgery could really save her life. Thank you.

Who is buying all this food for her? From what you said she is housebound.

I am not sure what people on here can do because it sounds like she really needs professional help as in the hospital or psychiatrist to find out why she is eating herself to death.

It is pretty cruel and selfish to dump this on her family and force them to keep up her death wish.

I would do some tough love if she can't get out to buy all the trash she is eating.

Go thought the house and throw it all out. Start making healthy meals without all the sugar and fat and she will eat it. No more soda.

I apologize for not being clearer. She isn’t entirely housebound. She can drive and go to the grocery store only if she uses one of the stores electronic scooters. I’m not sure if professional help would really help her. She doesn’t seem to listen much to doctors even when they tell her how bad her health is. It might be cruel of her to be doing this to herself and be putting her family through this but I don’t want to judge her. I know that she doesn’t mean to do this to us, it’s just that she doesn’t have faith that she can make much of a difference and she finds too much comfort in unhealthy food. Tough love is something that might work to some extent. It’s kind of what my brother and sister have been trying. My sister threw out some fast food ice cream blast that she put in the freezer but my mom got extremely mad. My brother has threatened to throw away food as well. There have been times when my sister has purposely hid some of her food. It makes her angry and to some extent, it might work, but I just hate to fight with her and the screaming and yelling that comes with it all. My brother and sister are on her about eating healthier than I am, but they are harsher about it. It doesn’t seem to be that effective because she still continues to buy stuff when they are not around. She literally will try to hide food evidence of food she eats from them just so they won’t say anything. She shows me because she knows I won’t yell at her about it. I don’t think reasoning with her might be a little bit of a better option. I am going to try to make her some more healthy food and I do think she will eat it. Thanks for your post.

There's a lot of good advice already on this thread. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but my family was in a similar situation and the 'caretaker' tried many things to encourage this person to eat healthier, smaller portions and exersise as they were able. This person was not on board with the changes, and ultimately there's only so much you can do to force someone else to adopt a change of habit. The person I'm talking about here died from complications from diabetes. I wish you the best of luck and thing there are some great ideas here, but she isn't willing to make changes you may have to make peace with the fact that you did what you could and she made her own choices.

Thank you for your post. I’ve known for most of my life that my mom is going to die the way she is living. As her daughter, and her being my only living parent (my dad died from getting cancer after not taking care of himself), I love her so much and we have gone through so much together. She is like the main person in my life. She’s been there for me as much as she possibly could. The thought of her dying and no longer being with me sometimes has me crying myself to sleep at night. I appreciate everyone’s advice and truly do hope that once I talk to my brother and sister about it, we can get together and give my mom enough motivation to eat healthier and live longer. I am aware though that there is a chance that we won’t get through to her. I won’t give up on her though.

Show her your post. If this doesn't help her to change her early-grave lifestyle, then take your money you are earning at your job and buy term life insurance for her. You will need it to pay for the funeral costs.

God bless you.

I’m afraid if I showed her my post she might become angry at me. Maybe someday or sometime I will gather enough courage to show her. I don’t think she would appreciate me sharing information about her. I’m not sure. I think that I have a better chance of convincing her to change her diet by talking to her than by showing her a post, but thanks for the advice anyway. I don’t even want to think about a funeral…

As "Forever Slim" suggested the best hope for your mother may be weight loss surgery, but she has to want it first. It's not a miracle and ultimately involves the same long term commitment that losing weight without surgery requires. It can be a lifesaver for some people who think they can't control their eating. Most surgeries require a 6 monnth program before one is approved and this does involve calorie restirction and some weight loss to demonstrate that someone is serious about getting healthier. I did this and after 6 months I lost 50 pounds and decided I could continue with calorie reduction. Also most of us who are morbidly obese need some form of counseling to help us with the emotional process. Medicare and medicaid will now pay for this. Perhaps the best place to start is with her primary care physian who can make all the appropriate referrals. Talk to her, tell her you love her and want her to be there for you. I may be wrong but she may be terribly depressed and food can be a form of self-medication. Encourage her to look on MFP and other similar sites and you tube has someawesom videos of success stories. Don't give up, never ever give up but also understand that there is only so much you can do.........she has to want to live and that's the bottom line. I know how it is and my prayers go out for you and your mother.

Surgery would be wonderful if we could afford it. My mom does have Medicaid but for whatever reason they won’t pay for her Maybe someday my family could get together and try to fund it. Thanks for sharing your story. You are right, she is depressed and she has had counseling in the past but I don’t think it did a whole lot for her but I will bring it up with her, maybe it could help if she really tried to let it help her. I will encourage her to look up success stories because I think if she sees that others can do it, she might believe she can do it too. Thank you for your post and advice. I understand there is only so much I can do, but no matter what I will not give up on her. Thanks.

Thank you everyone!