Please help, I'm going crazy, worst fat comment ever :(

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azyzzam
azyzzam Posts: 36
in Motivation and Support
I'm about to go to the gym and don't want this to turn into a half assed workout and binge fest so I thought of asking for some help from you guys. I don't know if I'm fat and I haven't weighed myself recently but I'm guessing I'm somewhere between 135-145 at 5'6'' have some muscle but also some belly fat and fat over my butt and thighs.

I'm also going through a bulimia relapse, but I'm seeing a doctor about it. Contrary to what you may think, I gained weight as I became bulimic, eating thousands of calories at a time and not being to purge it all.

Anyway, I thought I had heard it all, but yesterday when I decided to spend some time with my cousins who came over (even though I was studying for an exam on Monday) we ended up playing hide and seek. They both didn't know I was in the garage, they were looking for me and didn't expect to find me there and while they were looking to find me, I heard 'oh she won't be here, she's too fat to fit here' in one of spots. Then they walked in on me and I literally wanted to cry my eyeballs out but I put on a happy face and continued and had to play poker with the rest of the fam for another 2 hrs.

Wtf do I do? It's my second day of not bingeing purging and eating normal whereas before I would be eating 3x as much and throwing it up. I obviously am not 'skinny' but I didnt think I was 'that' fat. I thought I was just normal. I just feel so hurt, and weird my heart or chest actually hurts as well. I don't know what to do.

I'm not getting any support at all right now and I think that's why I can't keep going. When my sister ate half a box of Oreos (I ate the other half a couple days ago) and my mom confronted us about who ate the whole thing she totally denied eating any at all. So my mom now thinks I ate a whole box of Oreos in 30 min when I was home alone. I just can't believe I'm still trying and going at it, I just fail and try to learn from the previous mistakes and get to a comfortable weight. I just feel like no one understands. I am in therapy and getting help but this happened yesterday and I didn't know what to do.

Sorry this turned into a super long post. Thank you

Replies

  • earthboundmisfit
    earthboundmisfit Posts: 192 Member
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    So sorry that happened to you! People can be so mean. It's their stuff not yours...with your stats you're not fat at all. Stay healthy and talk about it with your therapist. Congrats on your recovery.:smile: Just stay focused on that, it's the most important thing.
  • mondvay
    mondvay Posts: 21 Member
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    How old are they? I have a feeling that's someting somebody very young would say. If that's the case I don't think you should worry about it (I understand that you are, but you know what I mean) because kids say really dumb things. And young teenagers as well, trying to assert themselves I guess
  • mfp2014mfp
    mfp2014mfp Posts: 689 Member
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    Awww hun, you're all in a tizzy right now. Please be your own best friend, tell yourself what an amazing wonderful woman you are, find your strength and go kick some *kitten* at the gym. Your cousins sound like theyre younger, dont pay them any mind. You need to begin to understand that it doesnt matter how anyone else sees you, it's how you see youself that matters.

    You need to work on your self esteem the same way you work out your body, self empowerment can be taught, so maybe include some esteem building exercises as part of your daily routine. A great place to start is imagine the woman you WANT to be, strong, smart, fierce, whatever, and start acting in ways she would. Dont let you or anyone else say mean things to yourself! If you work on your self esteem as you work on your body, in no time at all you will be a force to be reckoned with. You can do it :flowerforyou:

    Edit to add btw no youre not fat, you have a lovely figure :flowerforyou:
  • oedipa_maas
    oedipa_maas Posts: 577 Member
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    I am a recovered bulimic, so my heart really goes out to you.

    When I've had similar things said about my size, I try not to internalize it. The shields go up. I say to myself:" Eff them. Im going to keep working hard and transcend any negative remarks" Sometimes I even think:"I'll show you whose fat, you jerk," and work twice as hard out of spite. Well, not really but I do find that anger can be cleansing ; I can channel my hurt and anger into positive action. A righteous anger beats curling up in a ball and weeping. Exercise is a great way for me to reclaim my power. I run, and with each step, my focus returns to myself. After some real exertion, I feel better and I have taken care of myself. The words of others just fall away because I know who I am and what I'm trying to accomplish.

    Please feel free to write or add me; I find it helps to join up with others who have suffered with an eating disorder. We know best what we're up against. The eating disorder takes away so much; we have to reclaim it.

    Very best to you
  • kgeyser
    kgeyser Posts: 22,505 Member
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    Ok, first of all I am glad you are in treatment and I think it shows a lot of strength for you to come here and share this with us.

    Second, you are not fat. For your height, 135-145 is in the normal range. If you were playing hide and seek, I am guessing your cousins are fairly young, so chalk their comment up to youth and not reality. My daughter is 6 and has no concept of things like weight or age, which makes for a lot of very interesting comments to family members.

    Third, I think you need to sit down with your mother and have a talk. I am guessing that she knows about your issues and treatment, and you need to let her know how her not believing you about the cookies impacts you and your recovery. You were willing to be accountable for the cookies that you did eat, she needs to respect that and acknowledge how important that accountability is for someone dealing with bulimia.

    I would stress to her that she needs to have a conversation with your sister and the expectations of family members in helping you in this fight. Lying about food consumption and placing blame on you only prolongs your recovery. I don't know how old your sister is, but perhaps she is having some issues dealing with you having an ED and the attention, you receive and would benefit from some therapy as well. It is not uncommon for family members of people dealing with illness to have some counseling to help them work through the emotions in an appropriate, safe setting.

    I hope your situation improves. :flowerforyou:

    ETA: I just saw your ticker, I'm not sure how updated it is, but I would encourage you to discuss your scale weight goal with your doctor/therapist. I'm 5'7" with a small frame, currently about 145 lbs, so not too far off from your stats. I feel like 110 lbs might be an unrealistic goal judging from your picture, since you already have some lovely muscle definition in your arms and your legs are muscular like mine. I just don't want to see you set yourself up to fail by having a goal which is unattainable without harming yourself, so please talk to your doctors about what is realistic for you during your recovery. Best of luck.
  • my2kin04
    my2kin04 Posts: 69 Member
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    How old are your cousins? Are they kids? If so, you really can't pay attention to what they say. After all everyone is "larger" than them , in their eyes that is. Kind of like when a kid says 30 is old.
  • skippygirlsmom
    skippygirlsmom Posts: 4,433 Member
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    You are right in the middle of the weight range for 5'6". I'm 5'6" and weigh 137 - I'm not fat. I'm sorry they hurt your feelings - people can be so mean. Keep taking care of yourself and eating right.
  • Snip8241
    Snip8241 Posts: 767 Member
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    Take care of yourself. Family can be very hard on you. I agree that you need to speak to your mother(and sister if needs be)
    Try to put the comments during the game behind you. Yes they hurt but you know how hard you are working to become healthy. You can't control what comes out of other peoples mouths. Just control the effect they have on your self esteem. Do you know the courage it took you to share all this? Do you know the courage it is taking you to seek therapy? Bravo to you!!!!!!!!!! I don't know you but I am proud of you!!!!!!! Feel free to send a friend request. I want to know how you are doing.
    Hugs to you.:flowerforyou:
  • Eleonora91
    Eleonora91 Posts: 688 Member
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    You should have answered to both your cousins and your sister when they made you feel so bad. Sorry, that's the only advice I can think of, it's just not fair.
    Also I think you've got a lovely figure, I'm similar to you in weight and height and also suffered from bulimia - so I can relate.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
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    I'm gonna be honest with you.

    I saw the thread title, then your profile pic and my first thought was that this had to be a joke, because you're a long way from needing to worry about fat comments.
  • TutuMom41
    TutuMom41 Posts: 278 Member
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    You can tell by your profile pic you are not shy about your body. If you are throwing up go to the hospital and get some help. It does not matter what your diet is you can never be healthy if you are suffering from an eating disorder. Get help. Then you can be healthy. Sorry you are suffering but a post like this screams for attention and help.

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