Obesity, Guilt and Shame

I read the book "Healing the Shame that Binds You,"on the advice of a therapist. I think it did a very good job at describing how shame shapes our lives in negative ways. It didn't do such a good job of explaining what to do about it, but understanding the problem goes a long way.

As long as you are mired in shame, eating properly is going to be extra difficult. I'd put some work into therapy. Also, read up on self-compassion. It is important to be kind to yourself, and forgiving to yourself. This is something that is very hard for me, but I am working on it. It sounds like it is hard for you too.

Yoga has saved my life several times.
Here is a video of Belly breathing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtAqiVJn9BA
Yoga techniques help with mind / body awareness. --(help with the struggle to over eat).
Also, as you become more aware of your body, you feel kinder toward yourself.

I don't have a lot of advice. What I will say is that I don't think we were meant to live a life full of guilt and shame. I think that until you unpack what is causing you to feel so badly about yourself, you probably won't be able to tackle the eating issues. At some point you have to love yourself and stop believing and listening to all of the lies that you have told yourself. I'm not sure what is causing you to not reach towards those goals, but I think it starts with believing that you deserve a good life. Best of luck!!! I hope you feel inspired to make the future better!!

First off, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're not doing well right now. I know how it is when the lows seem to happen more often than the highs. This is a brief version (I know it doesn't seem that way lol) of my story and maybe I can provide some kind of words of inspiration for you towards the end of it.

My parents fought a lot when I was little and my mom would scoop me away, take me away from it and out to eat or to buy toys etc. Food became comfort at a very very early age. Oldest of 8, I have 4 very GORGEOUS younger sisters. I always felt like the ugly sister. I compared myself to others to the point where I became introverted because I just didn't want to see beautiful people. It was easy since I was home schooled in a strong christian household, I only came out for things I was forced to go to (church, youth group, karate class etc), and because of the weight gain and awkwardness I was bullied *intensely* everywhere. I was 9 years old the first time I started cutting/burning myself. I didn't know what depression was, I just knew I felt horrible and disgusting to the point where at times I felt physical pain. I spent a lot of time on the computer by myself, ended up getting carpal tunnel and was having wrist and arm pain so bad my parents took me to the dr. They did x-rays, and I still remember the dr saying I had the bones of a 60 year old and then dropped the "L word" to my mom. LIPOSUCTION. I was 14 and she was suggesting LIPOSUCTION!? My mom was furious, and I was humiliated. But no actions were taken involving my diet. I continued sneaking and eating junk late at night. My parents forced me to take up more karate classes thinking maybe I could out-run my bad eating habits. Instead I was tortured by my classmates (i was the only girl), which made me more depressed, which made me eat even more....I loved martial arts but I eventually dropped out of class, out of church, out of youth, out of EVERYTHING around the age of 17. And it just went downhill from there. At 18 I ruptured a disc in my lower back, at 19 I had surgery to ease the pain and prevent further damage but already suffered from permanent nerve damage.

I won't even go into my 20's. Between 19 and now it was just a decade of severe physical pain, binge drinking, binge eating, depression...I'm 29 now and I've been using myfitnesspal off and on for six years. SIX YEARS. That would've been more than enough time to drop the 260-ish lbs I need to lose... I dropped and gained the same 10 lbs for the first 5 years I used this website. And it's mostly because I have depression. Horrible depression, horrible physical issues, horrible binge eating tendencies. I've been dealing with plantar fasciitis in both feet for about five years. My weight makes the back problem worse, just walking makes everything hurt. My joints creak and my limbs ache for no apparent reason.

A year and a half ago my dad came out as gay. He told mom, then they waited a month to work on their marriage privately (they're still married), then told us kids, then told the rest of the family and the rest of their friends. I've no issue with the sexual preference, what got to me was the affair in general and the result of it. It was the eye opener for me. I'd never in my life seen them so depressed. I'd never seen either of them so stressed, for the first in my life they looked old. They both took up smoking and started drinking more often. They'd always had a generally healthy lifestyle and I started seriously fearing for their health and their lives, which I guess changed my state of mind enough that I started fearing for my own health too.

Now for better/happier stuff..

I got back on this site yet again after all that, this time "for real" and told myself no matter what kind of day I was having, what kind of month I was having, I needed to just do it. Started tracking my calories more diligently. Yes I've had binges, LOTS of binges. I've had problems with bingeing and purging, I've had moments where I thought the only thing that would help was a pill or a drink. But i've learned to take it one day at a time. I don't beat myself up for going over my macros anymore, I finally FINALLY don't give up because I've had one bad day or one bad month...

A year and a half ago I was 410 lbs, today I am 340. Yes my back and bones and feet still ache. I still have close to 200 lbs to lose but I will never see 400 on that scale, ever again. I still deal with depression on a daily basis, but in the last year and a half I've also realized I want to live. There's a lot of things I want to do that I just can't do at my weight. There are opportunities I've missed because I lacked confidence due to my self-image problems. I don't want to die without experiencing life at my fullest potential. It's that thought that drives me everyday. I'm still pretty far from loving myself, but I'm trying to mold myself into someone I can love. Not just physically either. I want to love my quirks, my flaws and everything about me that still makes me ME whether I'm 400 lbs or 150.

Here are just a few things that help me out personally..

1. For my back: I try to stretch (but not over stretch!) as often as I can or when I feel like I need to. Especially in the morning, even before getting out of bed. I'm also working on my posture, trying not to hunch like I have my entire life. I also try to hold my stomach in because it helps strengthen your core and back.

2. For my plantar fasciitis: After losing some of the weight it isn't AS bad, but I still have to stretch my arches first thing in the morning before walking. I also freeze water bottles and roll them under my feet to ease inflammation. If it feels particularly bad at the end of the day before bed I wear a boot to keep my foot stretched overnight. Wearing proper foot wear has also helped, I had to stop wearing flip flops all the time because I needed arch support.

3. For my depression: This is the tough one. I don't currently have insurance, and I've been on everything from cymbalta to wellbutrin in the past. Right now I'm not on any anti-depressants. I just take one day at a time. When I start to feel sad it's usually because I have too much time on my hands...The mind is a pesky thing when it's not busy >_< I'll read, write poetry and short stories or memoirs, read the forums on here because I always love looking at people's success stories!

4. For cardio: Everyone is different. What i've found works for me is using the elliptical. It's personally easier on my joints, and I use a HRM to track everything. Typically i'll listen to music, watch some stuff on netflix or hulu on my phone etc. I also walk when I can't access the gym, but that's a little more strenuous on my back most the time.

5. FOOD: Right now i'm averaging between 1800 and 2300 cals a day. There are days when I eat more and days when I eat less. The best advice I can give is to weigh and measure everything you can, log it as often as you can and be true to your logs. Don't get upset or depressed when you see you've gone over. You're human and it will happen. Tomorrow is a new day! What has really helped me out is looking at my calories as a weekly thing instead of a daily thing and try to hit the numbers for the week. I was a horrible late night binger, what has helped me so far is eating dinner a little bit later in the evening, or making sure I have enough calories saved for a late late night meal or big snack. I've learned what my triggers are, what time of the day I usually want to eat the most food, learned my favorite foods and what portions I can safely eat them in so I don't feel deprived.

6. Progress: I've learned to set small goals. Aim for 5 lbs at a time instead of 200. Try to work out 5 minutes longer one week than I did the week before. Baby steps have helped me get farther than I ever thought I would've two years ago..

I hope this helps. Sorry it's so long, I have a problem with keeping things short lol... Also typed pretty fast so if there's any errors, run-on sentences or things that just don't make sense sorry again! If you have any questions feel free to ask! I'm an open book and a work in progress like everyone else on here.

Hello Lindsay. As a fellow Hiderodenitis Suppuritiva sufferer I can certainly empathize with your position. It's what made me lose the weight. All I can say is that if you do manage to lose the weight then that disease will probably drop off the map. It's been about 3 months now since my last boil. And though the inside of my thighs is very heavily scarred I am no longer in any pain. I don't mean to show off but I thought it might help you to see that there's someone else with this disease and that losing weight absolutely positively made it better.

I also know what that shame is all about. Oh us heavy people try and tell ourselves that we are our own people. But you can't be bombarded by the crap society spews your way without feeling at least a little self conscious about the whole deal and often it goes a lot further.

For me Diet and exercise was the magic pill. It cleared up both my HS and my Depression. I don't know if I just feel more confident or of the exercise itself actually has a therapeutic effect as I have come to believe. But either way I worked my way out of a similar funk to what you are in now. And lady I would wish it on no one else in this world. Just do what you can each day. Eat healthy foods but don't stress over treating yourself to sweets or junk food every now and then. You will hopefully find that over time you miss the unhealthy stuff less and less as I did. Once you are comfortable with hour+ walks. Consider joining a gym. And get weight lifting. Cardio is very good but to be honest weight lifting will help your overall health a lot more. You will improve your muscles and honestly it was this kind of work that made me realize that every single time i couldn't get off the floor without doing my beached turtle dance i was telling myself inside "you fat little ****". Now whenever I have to do the same i spring up and feel strong. It's the little things that really add up. I don't really know how much your current conditions impair you. But they sound totally brutal. Honestly I am glad I was not in your position when I came to my senses. Just having creaky knees was bad enough.

I guess it might be an idea to focus on weight loss first. Sometimes joint pain really is all about just supporting that extra weight. I also think you need to make being able to walk your first priority. I know it might seem like the least of your worries. But for me taking up walks was the single best thing I ever did. I certainly get that foot pain is a nightmare. I have some rather severe bunions. But luckily for me they usually don't start complaining till after about 2 hours of constant walking.

I really wish you the best. If you like add me if you would like the support of someone who understands what HS and what struggling to lose large amounts of weight is actually like.

I'm so sorry for all of your suffering. I know you've been on anti-depressants so you must have had a psychiatrist at some point, if not still. But have you had talk therapy with a psychologist or therapist who specializes in eating disorders? That is the one thing that has helped me the most. I had compulsive binge eating disorder long before I knew there was a word for it. I've been working with her for over two years now and I'm finally to the point that I don't eat my emotions all the time. I've been off anti-depressants since last summer and honestly I feel better mentally and emotionally than I have in years. My weight loss is a consequence of all the hard work I've put into making my head function better, not the other way around.

Best wishes to you...

I have heard it said that shame really has nothing to do with what we actually did (or what was done to us), but rather, it comes from the lies we started telling ourselves when we tried to make sense of what we did (or was done).

For example, "I started emotional eating as a coping mechanism," could be a true statement, along with, "XYZ situation caused stress," and "I needed more emotional support than was available to me."

The lies would be something like, "I deserved XYZ situation to happen to me because I'm inferior," or, "I don't deserve emotional support," or, "I should not have needed a coping strategy," or, "I suck because I'm not a superhero."

If you can identify the lies you tell yourself about yourself that bring out the shame, then you can figure out accurate statements to replace them. And here's the hard part: you have to affirm the true, self-accepting statements over and over and over. And over and over. Really, it takes a while for the truth to sink in if the lies have been playing in your head a long time. Your post was really moving, and it took courage to share in a way that obviously touched a lot of people. It is possible to defuse shame. Best wishes to you for doing so.

ETA: And please feel free to add me, too!

I am sorry you are going threw this. Its a terrible place to be in your head and in your life. I would make sure you have a good therapist to help you work threw some of your issues. That said I have Multiple sclerosis. I have severe pain, have been blind, have not been able to walk and so much more. I have had it 22 years. There is water aerobics and diets are calories and calories out. From my experience I would say you are eating for comfort not nourishment. I would try making some smaller changes and work from there. You need to eat the way you plan on eating for the rest of your life. I often tell people not to enter their information with a goal but find out what it takes to be your goal weight calorie wise and eat that way every day. You will not loose weight as fast but you will be eating in a way that you can sustain your loss. every little bit helps and there is no I screwed up the day so I might as well binge and start tomorrow because every calorie counts. If you have a set back just let it go and move past it because they happen and don't beat yourself up about it. It can be done. Its hard. You can do it I have maintained my loss for over 10 years. Good luck to you. You can do this!