I wish I'd never tried to more weight (on binging) - TW!

uglyclub
uglyclub Posts: 83 Member
in Motivation and Support
I hope this doesn't end up a really long post! I apologize in advance if it does.

I'd been overweight before and lost the weight in a healthy way without really trying. I was at a perfectly healthy weight when I started counting calories and exercising obsessively, because I thought I needed to lose more weight. I developed anorexia a few months into my "diet" and lost a lot of weight.

During my anorexia recovery, I started binge eating. Despite being overweight back then, I'd never binged, I didn't even know what binge eating was! Whilst recovering, I'd binge on massive amounts of food about 5 out of 7 days, and got weight restored quite quick. Once I got weight restored, I stopped binging and everything was okay until I recently relapsed.

This time, I didn't lose as much weight as I did before and I was still at the lower end of a healthy BMI. And I started binging again once I started recovery part 2. I'm not severely underweight anymore, so I can't use the "but I need to gain weight, so it's okay" excuse.

I don't binge all the time, maybe twice a month? But the binges are HUGE (the recent one was 7000 calories). And I feel like I'm always battling the urge to binge every second of the day. I can't just eat a meal and enjoy it. My mind goes crazy; "will I binge today?" "I'm hungry, maybe I should binge." "I'll chug down a litre of water after this so I won't binge" "I hope I still have gum to chew on to distract myself". I feel so STRESSED out.

I would have never started binging if I hadn't developed anorexia and I feel like it's my fault. But I don't know what to do to stop this. What if I stay this way forever? What if I snap one day and won't be able to control the urges? I don't want to end up binging every day for the rest of my life. I'm so scared.

I'm BMI 19.8 right now and I eat around 1400 calories on Mon - Thurs and 1800+ calories Fri - Sun with 30 minutes of cardio on weekdays. I still don't get my periods though (I lost them because of my relapse and haven't had them for 6 or 7 months now). I'm a 20 year old girl, by the way.

Replies

  • zenalasca
    zenalasca Posts: 563 Member
    I think the problem seems to by psychological rather than physical. You know how to eat healthily, but you've developed an obsession with food that can only be quashed either by thinking about calories all the time or eating all the time. I know because I've gone through the same kind of thing. Currently, I am currently obsessing over the fact I ate chocolate instead of a meal for dinner tonight. I feel guilty about it and am tempted to eat more cause whatever, I'm still under my healthy BMI, who cares anyway. But then I remind myself that I'm still at around maintenance for today without adding the walking/cleaning I did and that the more I think about it, the more I will drag myself into that awful, obsessive state and binge. I'd rather say "who cares" now than force myself to later on when I will have to pay for it. And I'd much rather LIVE LIFE than obsess about stupid boring food all the time :)
    It would be useful to see a counsellor if you can to discuss your feelings surrounding food.
  • goodasgoldilox165
    goodasgoldilox165 Posts: 333 Member
    I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles and wish you very well.
    You are certainly not alone with them!

    I agree with Zenalasca and wonder if it might be possible to tackle this from a different angle.

    As for many of us, it might be that the problem might not actually be about weight or food - difficulties with them are often symptoms of something else.

    How do you feel about yourself more generally? (Your chosen name is quite a harsh one!)
    If there is a way of working on your self-esteem and rethinking the way you see yourself, the other things might shrink back into their proper places.

    If you leave weight and eating out of it, is there anything else you respect about yourself? Is there something you can do that will help such respect grow?
  • uglyclub
    uglyclub Posts: 83 Member
    My biggest worry/fear was that it could be a psychological/emotional thing. Because this only started happening to me once I started restricting my intake again.

    My entire day/life/world revolves around food. How much I'm going to eat... whether I should eat... if I'm going to binge today. It's so tiring. I'm doing so badly in college because of this disorder. I am seeing a therapist at the moment, but she's been no help. Eating disorders aren't really common where I'm from, so I don't blame her for not being able to help.
  • uglyclub
    uglyclub Posts: 83 Member
    PS. Does therapy really help in combating this? Therapy is so expensive, I can't afford to see my therapist all the time. At most, I see her twice a month.
  • oedipa_maas
    oedipa_maas Posts: 577 Member
    PS. Does therapy really help in combating this? Therapy is so expensive, I can't afford to see my therapist all the time. At most, I see her twice a month.

    Eating disorder-specialized therapy, quite often. I attended free group therapy through anad.org and my ED specialized therapist charged me very little (on a sliding scale).
  • uglyclub
    uglyclub Posts: 83 Member
    PS. Does therapy really help in combating this? Therapy is so expensive, I can't afford to see my therapist all the time. At most, I see her twice a month.

    Eating disorder-specialized therapy, quite often. I attended free group therapy through anad.org and my ED specialized therapist charged me very little (on a sliding scale).

    There's literally not one ED specialist in the country I'm from. That's the problem. Thanks for the link though! I'll check it out.
  • goodasgoldilox165
    goodasgoldilox165 Posts: 333 Member
    If therapy hasn't helped - or isn't affordable just now - could you self-help a little and try to find a new focus?

    You are aware of the problem and very active in seeking to defeat it. This is good.

    The condition itself might help you. Being prone to getting very involved (even obsessed) in a subject could be a strength... if only it could be something away from food and weight and things that make you feel bad about yourself.

    Eating disorders seem to gradually move you to a more and more inward view - so the whole day ends up being about what you eat or don't eat. You sort of seek to control this one thing to the exclusion of everything else. It goes with feeling very miserable and critical.about yourself too. It is really tough!

    Your studies don't seem to be a help just now - or not if you feel you are failing in them. Is there anything you can do - something active or perhaps something that is going to give you positive feedback about yourself? It might be a start - and at least help you until something can be settled.
  • Scarscub
    Scarscub Posts: 16 Member
    PS. Does therapy really help in combating this? Therapy is so expensive, I can't afford to see my therapist all the time. At most, I see her twice a month.

    It likely depends on both the therapist and the person. I remember looking forward to therapy as a foolproof way to cease bingeing—and now, less than two months after my last therapist fired me after three sessions, my perception of therapy and therapists has been soured.

    That being said, I would never desire to convince someone to ignore therapy as a means of combating an eating disorder. I would, however, advise you to avoid putting all your eggs in one basket, believing without a doubt that therapy will cure you. Approach therapy with an optimistic outlook, tempered with realistic expectations. Therapists are, after all, only human, and not all of them, not even the eating disorder specialist who fired me, can be of aid in all aspects of your life.

    I can empathise with your predicament. I never binged prior to losing quite a bit of weight, and after I was at a healthy weight the bingeing charged to the forefront with seemingly unstoppable force.

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