Trying to better myself in a tough marriage...

pammysay
pammysay Posts: 6 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm married and have been for 7 years. For 7 years I've struggled in my marriage. Happiness doesn't stick around for long in my marriage and it's very disappointing. I'm now on a serious journey to better everything about my life. I'm just about to start my Student Teaching after 18 months of grad school classes to become a teacher (was always my dream), and I'm finally serious about losing the weight that has been fueling my depression. My husband *thinks* he's being supportive but really isn't.
For years I dealt with him going out "for a drive" at night after the kids went to sleep, or going out with friends and leaving me to do all the housework. Now that i'm working 4 jobs and doing all the driving since he's suspended for a DUI, he is stuck home on his two days off and is actually doing cleaning and laundry (things he should have always done.)But he expects immense amount of praise (and sex as thanks).

I have decided that it's my turn to "go out for a drive" except I'm not going out for a drive. Instead, i'm going to the YMCA to swim laps, or going to walk around the lake path. I'm getting exercise and making it a priority. While doing this for myself it is becoming more obvious how lazy he is and I was. When i try to bring it up all we do is fight.
Earlier this year I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged to work through it, said that he loves me, and realizes that my depression isn't helping our situation. I said I'd stay and agreed that it was my depression and stress from working so much and school. But I really don't think it is.

I am on this journey for me, to feel better about myself, to love my kids better, to not be so tired all the time. To make a positive change.

I'm looking for support or words of encouragement (PEOPLE WANTING TO SAY RUDE THINGS OR TELL TO STOP COMPLAINING NEED NOT ANSWER THIS POST) from people who have succeeded at losing weight while being with someone who is less than supportive. Did you succeed? Did your marriage survive? Did it make it better/worse?

Thanks in advance.
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Replies

  • vab_spencer
    vab_spencer Posts: 15 Member
    Having been thru a divorce with two kids; I can tell you it is much harder on the children than you may think it is. I would highly recommend councelling. As a general rule in life I would offer this: Never rush to do something that cannot be undone. Good luck, I wish you well.
  • bridgew24
    bridgew24 Posts: 143 Member
    I agree on the counselling. It sounds like you have a lot going on and it's nice to talk to someone without feeling like a burden.
    and if your husband isn't giving you the support you want a psychologist would be good for that too. :wink:

    That being said sometimes relationships just don't work when 'real life' sets in. I really hope he pulls up his socks! Good luck.
  • jaclync324
    jaclync324 Posts: 37 Member
    Imagine that you are a single mother, what would his support matter to you? He doesn't need to support you for you to be successful. Don't make his support of you a condition of your success. It isn't.

    My husband works night and it's me and the kids usually M-F. He is not around to support or not support me. If I get an opportunity to go to the gym, I do it. It all has to be arranged but I don't make excuses. Honestly, I get through it by thinking of single moms out there with no partner to help and I know if they can do it, so can I. Support is irrelevant.

    I hope this helps and I hope things get better. I believe that once he begins to see the changes in you, he may want to change.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    I'm married and have been for 7 years. For 7 years I've struggled in my marriage. Happiness doesn't stick around for long in my marriage and it's very disappointing. I'm now on a serious journey to better everything about my life. I'm just about to start my Student Teaching after 18 months of grad school classes to become a teacher (was always my dream), and I'm finally serious about losing the weight that has been fueling my depression. My husband *thinks* he's being supportive but really isn't.
    For years I dealt with him going out "for a drive" at night after the kids went to sleep, or going out with friends and leaving me to do all the housework. Now that i'm working 4 jobs and doing all the driving since he's suspended for a DUI, he is stuck home on his two days off and is actually doing cleaning and laundry (things he should have always done.)But he expects immense amount of praise (and sex as thanks).

    I have decided that it's my turn to "go out for a drive" except I'm not going out for a drive. Instead, i'm going to the YMCA to swim laps, or going to walk around the lake path. I'm getting exercise and making it a priority. While doing this for myself it is becoming more obvious how lazy he is and I was. When i try to bring it up all we do is fight.
    Earlier this year I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged to work through it, said that he loves me, and realizes that my depression isn't helping our situation. I said I'd stay and agreed that it was my depression and stress from working so much and school. But I really don't think it is.

    I am on this journey for me, to feel better about myself, to love my kids better, to not be so tired all the time. To make a positive change.

    I'm looking for support or words of encouragement (PEOPLE WANTING TO SAY RUDE THINGS OR TELL TO STOP COMPLAINING NEED NOT ANSWER THIS POST) from people who have succeeded at losing weight while being with someone who is less than supportive. Did you succeed? Did your marriage survive? Did it make it better/worse?

    Thanks in advance.

    One of the facts of life means that you have to take the criticisms along with the nice things when people answer your posts. One of the things we fail to do when reading replies to our questions is to expect nice things to be said, it is not going happen (this includes me as well). Look at all the replies objectively and surprisingly you may learn something from a reply however negative you may think it is.

    You have started on the right road, as long as you realized that losing the weight is for your health and well being. In order to move on or strengthen your marriage (if you want it) you have to love yourself first, not your children or husband, yourself first. Ask yourself this question and this is something I do all the time: How can I profess to love someone, if i cannot love myself first.

    It's like Suze Orman, always say, pay yourself first and everyone afterwards.
  • Kelly_Runs_NC
    Kelly_Runs_NC Posts: 474 Member
    For years I dealt with him going out "for a drive" at night after the kids went to sleep, or going out with friends and leaving me to do all the housework. Now that i'm working 4 jobs and doing all the driving since he's suspended for a DUI, he is stuck home on his two days off and is actually doing cleaning and laundry (things he should have always done.)But he expects immense amount of praise (and sex as thanks).

    I divorce people for a living....just think long and hard about what's best for YOU and your kids and don't make rash decisions. Divorce is a big step and can be very ugly and complicated - especially for small kids who don't understand. That is my professional opinion. My personal opinion is this - if it were me , based on the things you said, I would NEVER let someone walk all over me like that. You deserve better.
  • pammysay
    pammysay Posts: 6 Member
    Since I didn't give you all the background and can't cause there's so much- maybe this helps:

    Counseling: Been there done that 4 different counselors over 7 years. It never sticks.

    My mother was a single mom and I know what she went through. If that's what it came to then that's life. I'm not leavin him because of not supporting me. There's A LOT more going on. I'm just looking to know how weight loss and large chance in ONE person in the marriage can affect it.

    Thanks for your thoughts and advice.
  • He1loKitty
    He1loKitty Posts: 212 Member
    I hope you make it through this tough time in your marriage, whether you decide to stay with your husband, seek counseling, or get a divorce. You deserve to be happy and loved. :flowerforyou:

    With respect to your specific question, I am lucky to have a very supportive husband, but it was not until I committed to changing my diet and exercise habits on my own that I began to see a change in myself. While his support is helpful (he listens to me vent when I'm having trouble staying focused, he buys healthy food when he goes to the grocery store, encourages me to exercise when I'm feeling lazy, etc.), it was ultimately my commitment to this journey that has led to my success thus far. When you are empowered to make a change, and committed to the effort it will take to change, nothing can stop you. Good luck and I wish you the best!
  • altaroxy
    altaroxy Posts: 56 Member
    I recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It talks about figuring out what makes you feel loved and what makes your spouse feel loved (which could very well be different things) and how to follow through.

    I wish you the best in your journey, keep it up. No matter what happens with your husband, you and your kids will benefit if you are strong and healthy.
  • hill8570
    hill8570 Posts: 1,466 Member
    Sad to be in a marriage where neither person thinks the other has "got their back".

    Do you two do anything fun together (aka, "Date NIght") other than the occasional two-backed beast? It's hard to hold a marriage together when you two don't feel a connection, and weekly dates are a good way to keep the connection going (yeah, I know it's hard to do with small children...been there...but that's also when they're most important).
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Since I didn't give you all the background and can't cause there's so much- maybe this helps:

    Counseling: Been there done that 4 different counselors over 7 years. It never sticks.

    My mother was a single mom and I know what she went through. If that's what it came to then that's life. I'm not leavin him because of not supporting me. There's A LOT more going on. I'm just looking to know how weight loss and large chance in ONE person in the marriage can affect it.

    Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

    In a marriage that is barely working, weight loss can affect it as you know.

    Work it out so that you are getting more sleep. Your perspective about everything will change after you are sleeping more.
    Going to counseling yourself would be very good.
    You are not ready for divorce yet. Tolerate was is going of for now.
  • csmullins78
    csmullins78 Posts: 61 Member
    Sigh...

    Where to begin...

    First of all, I'm biased in favor of divorce. I was in an unhappy marriage for 13 years and divorce was the best decision I ever made for me and for my daughter. But, I also know that no relationship is going to be perfect and no man is going to meet all of your needs. I'll give you the cliched advice everyone has given me through the years: you have to learn to love yourself first.

    I suffered with depression for years and years. A few months after I finally got help, my ex-husband told me he liked me a lot more before I started taking meds. Why was that? I can only attribute it to my new found confidence that could grow once I got out of the horrible depression. When the person who is supposed to be your partner in life tells you he liked you better when you were miserable, that says a lot.

    One thing that is making me crazy about your post is that you work 4 (4????) jobs, yet your husband just got a DUI. I'm sorry, but that is completely unacceptable. Not only is a DUI dangerous for everyone on the road, but it is also very, very expensive. You're working 4 jobs, now you have to pay court costs, fines, higher insurance premiums, and DMV reinstatement fees (plus lawyer's fees if he's contesting it). The DUI is the clincher for me.
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Was the counseling you went to for couples? It might be a good idea to try counseling on your own.

    Is the drinking still a problem for him?
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    You should absolutely go for a drive...

    To a divorce attorney's office.
  • pammysay
    pammysay Posts: 6 Member
    We do not get much time for fun- I work 4 jobs and just finished my grad school classes. I'm the only driver so I'm also carting the kids everywhere, i do all the shopping, cooking, banking, bills, most of the cleaning too. He does the laundry! If i ask him to do something like the lawn- it's a fight.

    We went to couples counseling, I've also gone by myself but just don't have the time or money right now.

    The DUI was what fueled me wanting the divorce. It's always been on my mind cause i've been unhappy but that really did it. We are in huge debt over this. He doesn't actually have a drinking problem. He just is reckless and makes VERY bad choices...often.

    I sleep well actually. I've been going to bed earlier than ever before because he goes to bed very very late and does not wake up in the morning well so I have to get the kids ready by myself for camp and school and If i'm not rested it's hard to get through my day. I sleep at least 7 hours. So sleep and I are good. It isn't helping much though. It almost makes it worse.

    We have read the languages of love book. We are completely different languages and we seem to have A LOT of trouble giving the other person what they need. He needs affection and I need acts of kindness. This is a constant struggle.

    I guess i'm just hoping to find more of my inner strength. I think i'm pretty strong to have made it this far in life (we've had many many struggles) so if I can just figure this all out and start to feel better about myself maybe I'll see things clearer.

    Thanks!
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    Sounds like you are unhappy, and you already know that the marriage is basically over. Kudos for sticking it out and wanting to work through it, though. If you are dead set on trying to work through it, I think some marriage counseling is in order, STAT. Like, not an option. It HAS to happen. Then put a specific timeline on marked changes happening in the marriage that you need to have happen if you are going to stay. Let your husband know what needs to happen, and that you will leave if he backslides. Set goals for yourself, too, as marriage problems are never one-sided. If within the predetermined amount of time things do not improve, file for the divorce.

    You've already spent 7 years of your life on this marriage, it's time to be happy in it, or cut ties and move on. You deserve to be happy.
  • tpt1950
    tpt1950 Posts: 292 Member
    Get rid of some weight fast - your spouse!
    Why take such abuse when it's not good for you nor (in the long run) for your children.
    Keep doing what you're doing for yourself and stop enabling him to continue to drag you down.
    Just my opinion....
  • Giddyduck
    Giddyduck Posts: 212 Member
    I was in a similar marriage and luckily for me he cheated on me. It was the best thing he could have ever done for me. It sucked. It sucked for a while but I am such a stronger person now.

    I tried to make the marriage work for the kids. I tried everything and ultimately I paid the price and lost who I was within the marriage.

    I agree-Marriage Counseling is a priority-even if you divorce it will help you for how you interact and deal with the future. I continued in marriage counseling for a long time after my divorce in a journey to find myself. It has taken a long time but I know the decisions I made were right for me and my family.

    When a decision is made-to not follow through-the actions are speaking louder than the words. There is a message. It is one of the hardest things to acknowledge and yet the consquences are not there so there is no meaningful response. Similarly to children, they don't respect when there is boundries and no consquences.

    Be prepared to follow through with your actions. Maybe divorce isn't the first step. A dating contract, a legal separation, etc. there are lots of options. I tried them with my marriage counselor before I decided to end my marriage.
  • CJisinShape
    CJisinShape Posts: 1,404 Member
    Calling BS on the advice you've received thus far.

    1. If you want to stay married, why are so many trying to encourage you to divorce?

    2. There are times when life is hard and people act badly.

    3. If he is helping financially and is not physically abusive, your problems can resolve themselves over time.

    Only you know what's REALLY going on.

    But, when you are happy with you, your other problems seem smaller, and easier to fix or ignore. When you are not happy with you, your problems and annoyances seem much larger.

    Just my opinion.
  • True_Blue82
    True_Blue82 Posts: 17 Member
    It's impossible to make rational decisions if you are depressed. Are you really depressed, or just in a funk? Everyone has their own signs of depression - here are mine:
    * Foggy mind/memory - trouble focusing or finishing a thought, remembering a word
    * Waking in the middle of the night and unable to get back to sleep, sleeping 8+ hours and waking up exhausted
    * Feeling achy and tired all of the time
    * Very difficult to want to do anything with anyone - even my kids. Hard to remember anything I really like doing
    * Everything feels absolutely grey
    * Nothing feels worth eating - I'd rather just not eat

    You can google depression checklists to see if other symptoms match what you're feeling. If you do think you are depressed, even though it costs $ and time, you need to see a psychiatrist (GPs should not prescribe antidepressants - it's wayyy outside of their expertise). You then need to get into therapy, and you need to have a regular exercise plan. The best treatment for depression is all three - only 1 or 2 doesn't work.

    Good luck -
  • lbpears
    lbpears Posts: 40 Member
    I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. I think from reading your post that you want your marriage to work out, but I guess my question is why do you want it to work out? Is it for the kids? Because you just don't want to be divorced? Or is it because there is still something between you and your husband that is worth salvaging?

    I can tell you are a person with a lot of strength already--working 4 jobs and finishing grad school??? It seems that you are really trying to better yourself and are on the verge of some really positive life changes, and I commend you for that. I think your husband either needs to get on board with what you're trying to do or you need to move on. 7 years is a long time to be unhappy.
  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
    I think you should read this book - it is really uplifting and I think it could be useful to your situation.



    http://www.amazon.com/Mama-Genas-School-Womanly-Arts/dp/0743439937

    :wink:
  • Giddyduck
    Giddyduck Posts: 212 Member
    I went back and reread your topic along with the all the feedback.

    First-Kudos to you for improving yourself! Graduate school, exercise, healthy life, etc. AWESOME

    Second-The overall question is how to improve yourself for weight loss/health journey....It appears you are already doing it. Congratulations. Sometimes we need to stop and remember our progress while we are looking at our goals.

    It sounds like you love your husband and want ideas for continued success. Use your health minded friends as a support when needed. One suggestion and something I also do-is journal. Give yourself an allotted amount of time (10 min) and write. It helps to me to reflect on my journey of whatever is going on and see my progress (when I look back).
  • dancingj2
    dancingj2 Posts: 4,572 Member
    Just a few thoughts.

    Dieting - Hubby and I can talk about lots of things and help each other on lots of tasks. But diet is just off limits. "Help" just never seems helpful. So its one of those issues that we just don't talk about or comment on or anything - and that works for us.

    Marriage - well its never really easy. Two people with different ideas and needs. Communication, understanding and a desire to make it work I think are the keys. However it can be done. My dad was an alcoholic when my parents were first married and it was difficult from what my mom says. I know she threatened to leave him at one point. He did give up drinking and they worked things out.

    And hubby and I talk about just about anything which helps with understanding (excepts for that whole diet thing - we are just on completely different wavelengths on that)

    Thank you - this may seem silly but saying thank you for things he should have done really does help. I think they feel that any housework done should be praised. So a few words of praise may smooth things over and he may do the laundry again in a few days.
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  • Fuzzipeg
    Fuzzipeg Posts: 2,301 Member
    I admire you. A life where it 's like living with an extra child, or grumpy lodger and you can manage to work and study, I would have been proud of myself if I could have done the same. I am pleased for you that you are able to find the inner strength to look after your health and get your priorities right, providing for the children. Children, no matter how young or old they are need at least one parent who can do the job properly whether in or out of a marriage.

    One thing though, please do not threaten divorce again, till you have the ability and intention to see it through. If it comes up in row after row he will never take you seriously. You sent a blast across his bows, his wings are clipped by his own misdoings, he may come to his senses, he may well not. I hope you can get yourself closer to your financial goals before the mud hits the fan it is so disruptive in ways you can't plan for.

    Very very best wishes.
  • Llamapants86
    Llamapants86 Posts: 1,221 Member
    For people saying how hard divorce is on the kids, have you ever lived in a house were the parents were sticking it out for the kids. I did, for 5 years and they were the worst 5 years of my life. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for myself and my sister, I just wished they would have done it earlier.

    As far as weight loss goes, support or not you got this. Support or not, weight loss comes down to the person losing the weight. Good luck.
  • PinkyPan1
    PinkyPan1 Posts: 3,018 Member
    To answer your question....I have been successful with my health and weight loss goals while my husband has not been very supportive. I have used all my pent up anger, frustration and a whole bag of mixed emotions as my motivation. Divorce came up this week over dinner. After 20 years...."Pass the vegetables... do you want a divorce?" I am pissed even more. Since the conversation I have added an extra mile to my morning walk. Four months ago I could not walk a mile and I am now up to 6 miles. I wish you well and encourage you to keep going for your drives. Put yourself first and make no rash decisions.
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
    For people saying how hard divorce is on the kids, have you ever lived in a house were the parents were sticking it out for the kids. I did, for 5 years and they were the worst 5 years of my life. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for myself and my sister, I just wished they would have done it earlier.

    As far as weight loss goes, support or not you got this. Support or not, weight loss comes down to the person losing the weight. Good luck.

    I have to agree. Divorce is terrible for kids, but there are worse situations. My parents should have never even married, much less stayed married for almost 30 years. They're divorced now, thankfully. I never again have to wonder which one is going to finally off the other one, landing the entire family on one of those crime shows.
  • ameliayaron
    ameliayaron Posts: 5 Member
    Congratulations on taking such a huge step for YOU!

    Marriage is bloody hard (I blame Disney for false promises).

    Like others have said, you seem to have been given the short end of the stick with your husband..... what with him being *so helpful* all these years (sarcasm).

    He needs to change and I know that him doing small things that he should have been doing all these years seems like very little... but he's like a kid who just learned to poop on his own... tell him he did a good job... move on.

    I LOVE that you are now "going for drives" and taking time for you. That's the hardest part and I'm sure it's harder with kids.

    I was in a similar situation a few years ago and your story really resonated with me... Just wanted to say well done, don't take no *kitten* from husband and keep grinding. You are a beautiful person and don't let anyone (not even your own inner voice) tell you that you don't deserve the earth.

    x
  • Dogwalkingirl
    Dogwalkingirl Posts: 320 Member
    This is not the place to probably talk about your marriage and look for advice as none of us TRULY know what is going on with you and your husband.

    However, with that said if your husband has a drinking problem and has for 7 years there is VERY VERY little chance this is going to change. I hope I do not offend recovering alcoholics here but there is only a very very very small percentage of alcoholics who ever change themselves forever. They may be able to stop for a week, stop for a few months, some even stop for year but many many many go back to their old ways.

    I married someone with a drinking problem...like your husband he always made very rash decisions, he did not have proper grasp of reality and he was doing nothing but dragging me down. I wanted to help him and wanted to see him get better but in the end leaving him was the BEST thing I have ever done in my life. Yes divorce is a huge deal, yes it is going to be hard on your children, yes it could be messy. However, how long do you want to feel like you can not be yourself? How long do you want to not feel loved and respected? How long do you want to wonder if there is better out there? You do not want to end up being 70 and having major regrets.

    This is just my view from what I have been through and this may not be the right decision for you but think long and hard and respect yourself. Do not get stuck in a cycle where you are in the same place with him 7 more years from now.

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