Family issues--advice wanted!

delaney056
delaney056 Posts: 475
in Motivation and Support
I haven't been on here in awhile, but I'm back because I need advice and someone to talk to.

I'm currently in what I consider to be a very toxic living situation.
I'm 19 years old. My parents have been fighting constantly for weeks now. I don't even know what started it but they have now gotten to the point where they are barely speaking to each other. I've been woken up multiple mornings because of a fight. I've had to listen to them talk trash behind each other's backs constantly, more so my mother about him than he about her. She has been very upset and has told me about things he has said. I've listened to what she has to say, but I always tell her that it's up to her to talk to him about it and it's up to her to put her foot down. She won't say anything to him because she expects me to do it, so I'm being put in the middle and I'm supposed to stop their fighting. Now I'm being accused of taking sides and all of this seems to be coming back around on me.

I have a job, savings, and my own car but I don't have anywhere else to go. My closest friend recently moved out of state. This fighting has really gotten me down to the point where I don't want to do anything but look for ways to escape it.

Any advice would be appreciated.
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Replies

  • jamebb
    jamebb Posts: 86 Member
    If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .

    If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .

    If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

    Thanks for your advice. I've mentioned couples therapy and neither of them seem interested.
  • nyiballs
    nyiballs Posts: 147 Member
    Move out.

    If you are financially dependent on one or both of them remind each of them that your are their child and love them both, and if they loved you, they wouldn't put you in the middle of their problems.
  • psmd
    psmd Posts: 764 Member
    That sucks...sorry to hear that. Honestly I would avoid, avoid, avoid. If they are fighting early in the morning, I would change my schedule to work out somewhere before work. And I'd find stuff to do after work if they fight then too.

    It's not fair of your mom to put you in the middle of things, don't let her if you can avoid it. Good luck!
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Move out.

    If you are financially dependent on one or both of them remind each of them that your are their child and love them both, and if they loved you, they wouldn't put you in the middle of their problems.

    Yes, I am partially dependent on both of them. What makes it the most difficult is college because it's so expensive, but I have enough money to work that out for awhile. I've made it clear to her that I'm not playing the blame game and that I just want the fighting to stop because I love both of them.
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Moving out will help only so much. I went through something similar when my parents were splitting up. I was living 10 hours away from home and I was still getting phone calls from both of them telling me what the other one was doing wrong. The only thing that really helped was putting my foot down and telling each of them that I didn't want to hear it and and I'm not taking any sides.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
    I am sorry that you are going through this.
    It isn't right that your parents are involving you in this situation. You are 19 years old and you should not be expected to solve their marriage problem.
    Sit them down together and tell them to seek out some type of counsel, that you are not going to be able to solve their problems.
    From there, all you need to do is worry about what you need to do for yourself. Since you have the resources to move out, that may be the best thing for you to do.
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    I'm sorry.

    Have you talked to them about how being in the middle makes you feel? That it's negatively impacting you in several ways? Do you have family that would help, or let you stay with them?

    I honestly have very little advice, unfortunately. I'd try my best to get a little efficiency apartment and try to live on my own.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    Sit them both down and tell them to work it out without putting you in the middle. Tell them they make you feel like you're being driven away and you're prepared to start looking for an apartment. Maybe it'll give them the kick in the butt they need.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Sit them both down and tell them to work it out without putting you in the middle. Tell them they make you feel like you're being driven away and you're prepared to start looking for an apartment. Maybe it'll give them the kick in the butt they need.

    I tried that and it made things worse...
  • TheVirgoddess
    TheVirgoddess Posts: 4,535 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Oh hon, you need to get out of there. That sort of emotional blackmail is SO toxic and can seriously do lasting damage.

    Any Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents?
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Oh hon, you need to get out of there. That sort of emotional blackmail is SO toxic and can seriously do lasting damage.

    Any Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents?

    They all live in Michigan or Florida. No other family here locally.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Make this phrase of part of your vocabulary and using it as needed, as much as needed.

    "Mom/Dad, I love you and I also love Dad/Mom, so I will not listen to anything negative you have to say about him/her. Let's talk about something else, if not, I'm going to my room/for a walk/to the gym/to study/etc."

    Be firm and follow thru. Hopefully they will realize trash-talking to you is futile.

    Good luck.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.
  • ilenepedersen
    ilenepedersen Posts: 1
    Do you have a school/college couselor you could talk to? It doesn't seem like your parents are listening to you. Sometimes growing up means leaving home and setting boundaries. There are some good books on setting boundaries and maybe some good websites. You sound like a very mature young lady and I wish you the best.
  • caracrawford1
    caracrawford1 Posts: 657 Member
    Your parents may not be able to solve their issues at this time, but you can offer your support and suggestions for therapy without taking sides. If you feel this is a situation you cannot live with, you are an adult now. You have options especially if you are working. Renting your own apartment may not be feasible but you can look for rooms to rent or a roommate situation (screen these carefully)
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Contact your closest (emotionally) friend or family member, explain the situation and see it they can help you escape that situation.

    If you honestly cannot imagine transferring schools, contact you school and see if they can help.

    I personally would get as far away as possible.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.
  • Mr_Bad_Example
    Mr_Bad_Example Posts: 2,403 Member
    If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .

    If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

    It's not the child's place to mediate the issues of the parents. Ever.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    Many people do this and are just fine.

    Either your situation is so bad you leave or it's not. I don't think anyone is going to give you actual advice on mediating your parents' relationship. Particularly given the threat of violence.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    It's a tough situation. Were you planning on transferring after the next semester? I'm assuming your friend moved out of state so if you are planning on doing that (and just keep in mind tuition will probably go up because out of state)...maybe aside from focusing on your studies, put in as many hours as you are able into your job.

    Spend this time saving up to get out if that's what you are going to do. In the meantime, see if you can talk to a counselor to help you cope with the situation until you can get out of it.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    Many people do this and are just fine.

    Either your situation is so bad you leave or it's not. I don't think anyone is going to give you actual advice on mediating your parents' relationship. Particularly given the threat of violence.

    Yeah, but I think with student loans (in the OP's situation) she will have to get her parents to sign on it, I believe. If her dad is talking about her getting shot, I'm wondering if they'll end up helping her with a loan.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    It's a tough situation. Were you planning on transferring after the next semester? I'm assuming your friend moved out of state so if you are planning on doing that (and just keep in mind tuition will probably go up because out of state)...maybe aside from focusing on your studies, put in as many hours as you are able into your job.

    Spend this time saving up to get out if that's what you are going to do. In the meantime, see if you can talk to a counselor to help you cope with the situation until you can get out of it.

    No, I was planning on staying at the school I'm at now.
  • QueenBishOTUniverse
    QueenBishOTUniverse Posts: 14,121 Member
    If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .

    If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

    It's not the child's place to mediate the issues of the parents. Ever.

    Pretty much this. And I would be pretty blunt with both of them about it because it honestly sounds like they need it. They're the parents, you're the child, you need to tell them to grow the hell up and leave you out of it.

    But given what you've already said, I would be contacting people at your campus and any friends and family you can first and seeing what your options are for an emergency housing situation first. Maybe even look at the long term stay hotels with weekly rates, could tide you over until you are able to settle in to a more permanent situation.
  • delaney056
    delaney056 Posts: 475
    If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .

    If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.

    It's not the child's place to mediate the issues of the parents. Ever.

    Pretty much this. And I would be pretty blunt with both of them about it because it honestly sounds like they need it. They're the parents, you're the child, you need to tell them to grow the hell up and leave you out of it.

    But given what you've already said, I would be contacting people at your campus and any friends and family you can first and seeing what your options are for an emergency housing situation first. Maybe even look at the long term stay hotels with weekly rates, could tide you over until you are able to settle in to a more permanent situation.

    I pretty much said that but in nice terms and it made things worse.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    Many people do this and are just fine.

    Either your situation is so bad you leave or it's not. I don't think anyone is going to give you actual advice on mediating your parents' relationship. Particularly given the threat of violence.

    Yeah, but I think with student loans (in the OP's situation) she will have to get her parents to sign on it, I believe. If her dad is talking about her getting shot, I'm wondering if they'll end up helping her with a loan.

    Emergency emancipation (not the right name I am sure, but it gives the idea). My sister in law had to do it when her father claimed her on his income taxes and messed her student loans up but had stopped supporting her "because she was an adult". He is a tool. There is definitely help, Op just has to seek it.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Well I said that I wasn't going to take sides and it started a huge heated argument. Now my dad is telling me that he will "never say he's proud of me again" and putting me down because he denies saying anything mean to her. And now he's saying I'm going to get shot, etc. out there on my own because I stood up and said I wasn't going to be put in the middle of it.

    Wow. Move. Out. Contact your relatives and figure out if maybe you can stay with one of them while you get a job or go to school.

    That's more than just adults fighting. Saying that crap to you is just messed up. Remove yourself out of that house and situation NOW.

    I'm currently enrolled in college and I've already registered for the next semester, so I'd like to stay somewhere around here. My job is here too. My best friend recently moved to Virginia and I'd like to move there but I can't do that immediately. None of my relatives live around here.

    Does your college have housing options for students? Do they have a bulletin area where people may be looking for roommates?

    They do, but I might have to take out a loan just to be able to afford campus housing.

    It's a tough situation. Were you planning on transferring after the next semester? I'm assuming your friend moved out of state so if you are planning on doing that (and just keep in mind tuition will probably go up because out of state)...maybe aside from focusing on your studies, put in as many hours as you are able into your job.

    Spend this time saving up to get out if that's what you are going to do. In the meantime, see if you can talk to a counselor to help you cope with the situation until you can get out of it.

    No, I was planning on staying at the school I'm at now.

    Well, than I see 3 options.

    1. Get the loan and live on campus. Hopefully your parents won't be so vindictive as to not sign for you on it. (Or as Normal said, talk to your school about options like the emancipation bit she mentioned).

    2. Go through the school to see if there are those looking for roommates and move out to an apartment.

    3. Live at home but find any way/reason to stay away from your house and limit your interaction with your parents. I.E Study at the library, try and get a few more hours at your job (if you have one. If you don't, get a part time one), spend time at the campus gym, etc.

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