Family issues--advice wanted!
Replies
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One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.0
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One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.
Why don't you want to?0 -
One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.
Why don't you want to?
Part of me would prefer to stay around here...and I don't want to have to quit school but that would be my only option if I were to move out of state.0 -
If you think that you can successful mediate things, try. If you don't think that you can be impartial or that they will listen to you, call in a disinterested third party (like a couples therapist) .
If you feel that it's disrupting your life and they are unwilling to let you help/ get help for themselves and if you have enough money to move out, do it. If you can't afford it, keep your head down, save your money and get out as soon as you can.
It's not the child's place to mediate the issues of the parents. Ever.
This.
Do what you need to do to take care of you (whether it's making yourself super busy so you're only there when you're sleeping, or move out to a situation you can afford or whatever) - they will either sort out their crap, or they won't - but in any event, not your place/job/responsibility to be involved - in ANY way.0 -
One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.
I really would recommend going to someone on your campus that can council you about your options. They should have someone that can help advise you on at least some of this, how to get yourself emancipated financially from your parents, how to get the loans you need and probably how to get you in to housing and out of that situation.
If your parents are so far gone that they're getting angry at you for trying to extract yourself from the situation it really is time to just get out. Seriously, a long term hotel for a few weeks would probably be healthier for you at this point. The one thing I would check on, is your car or anything else at all connected to your parents? Is their name on the title anything like that?0 -
I would really take stock of your friends, you mention one who has moved, but are there any others? sometimes it is easier to live with someone you don't know super well as assumptions are not made, and everything is out in the open -- No one else has mentioned it but are you associated with a church? they would have counseling and maybe someone looking for a roommate, I would also check at the Senior center in your area, they may know of a senior who would trade housing for you providing light housekeeping/cooking - not ideal - but a good deal financially, even if it was just for a semester.
Also although all the relatives are out of the area, I would call each of them and tell them what you have told us, who knows who maybe able to help. I had a different family crisis in college and money was an issue and my aunt and uncle were able to pay me for A's just like they were paying their kids and that money really helped!0 -
Get out of there, contact a counsellor at school, work out your finances... maybe try for a student loan or apply for grants or scholarship money, or sit out a semester with relatives, work and save for next semester.. so you can stay on campus. Maybe there are girls sharing off campus housing looking for another room mate to share expenses.0
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One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.
I really would recommend going to someone on your campus that can council you about your options. They should have someone that can help advise you on at least some of this, how to get yourself emancipated financially from your parents, how to get the loans you need and probably how to get you in to housing and out of that situation.
If your parents are so far gone that they're getting angry at you for trying to extract yourself from the situation it really is time to just get out. Seriously, a long term hotel for a few weeks would probably be healthier for you at this point. The one thing I would check on, is your car or anything else at all connected to your parents? Is their name on the title anything like that?
No, my car is in my name. I'll be 20 in October.0 -
One thing I'm considering (even though I don't want to) is moving in with my friend who recently moved out of state, getting a job and settling in there so I can continue saving, and then getting back in school. My credits will transfer...idk what to do at this point really.
I really would recommend going to someone on your campus that can council you about your options. They should have someone that can help advise you on at least some of this, how to get yourself emancipated financially from your parents, how to get the loans you need and probably how to get you in to housing and out of that situation.
If your parents are so far gone that they're getting angry at you for trying to extract yourself from the situation it really is time to just get out. Seriously, a long term hotel for a few weeks would probably be healthier for you at this point. The one thing I would check on, is your car or anything else at all connected to your parents? Is their name on the title anything like that?
No, my car is in my name. I'll be 20 in October.
So you have the ability to make a clean break if you need to, but only you can decide if that is really necessary. If you can stand to stay there for a few more weeks while you work with campus counselors and look for housing opportunities then I would say just stay away from home as much as you can. If you need to get out faster than that, crash on a friends couch, hotel, etc. I second the contacting someone if you attend a church as well, they may have contacts to help you with emergency housing and other options.0 -
Thank you all for your advice. One of my co-workers is looking for a roomie and my friend who moved out of state's mom will probably let me stay with her for awhile. I have a few other options as well.0
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I just hate that it has come to this and I don't like the thought of being separated from my family, but I have to do what is best for me.0
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I just hate that it has come to this and I don't like the thought of being separated from my family, but I have to do what is best for me.
You worry about you, get yourself to a healthy place first and then decide how much you have left emotionally for your parents. Hopefully your removal from the situation will knock some sense in to them, but if it doesn't, that's not your fault, or your problem. Good luck.0 -
Sometimes really crappy stuff happens to us, and we get an opportunity to grow from it. I understand that you love both your parents and you've tried to nicely speak to them about the fighting and being caught in the middle and it didn't work out very well. It seems like because of this you're hesitant or maybe even convinced you shouldn't try again.
To that I say you owe it to yourself and the people you love to do whatever you can to effect positive change in your lives. That doesn't mean you should side with one parent over the other or run away from the situation because it makes you uncomfortable and sad. Nor does it mean it's your responsibility to fix them or their problems but if the behavior they are exhibiting toward you and each other right now is causing you to lose respect for them and each other and causing you feel like they are bordering on being a liability to each other and you then I feel you have to at least step up and let them know that from your perspective.
Saying something like "Mom, I understand you're really angry right now, and that you feel hurt or betrayed by Dad and I'm so very sorry that you're going through this pain, it breaks my heart most of the time. When it's not breaking my heart it's making me feel very vulnerable, like if I don't agree with you and bad mouth Dad with you that we'll grow apart and not be close anymore. Dad is my parent like you are my parent and I have to maintain a level of respect with both of you and you two putting me in the middle is like each of you asking me to disrespect the other and I don't think that is a place our relationship should be going. I love the both of you too much for that. If you're feeling bad or sad or angry and want to take a walk, or workout, or go get many pedis together to get away for a while I'm in! I think it would be better for us to spend our time together building on our relationship instead of damaging it."
Please know that if you are in any danger of being abused you should most definitely leave now. Otherwise if it's just that your parents are too absorbed in their own campaign against each other to realize that you are not a weapon but their child then I think you're old enough and smart enough to make some positive strides towards carving your own destiny.
There are a lot of people in this life that put on you what you let them. Running from them only temporarily deals with the problem. I think you have another opportunity to share your perspective as a young adult. If they don't go for it then the other replies have given you a lot of viable options that with some sacrifice on your part will get you away from there one way or another.
God Bless you and I do pray it works out for you sooner rather than later.0 -
Lots of good advice has been given out - and you're going to have to chose, Here's my few cents
1- Try steer them both into professional or pastoral or whatever type of people they are counseling - cause they're going to need it and not come out unharmed from what you're describing and the secondary toxins are still going to affect you. So they need to be on better footing themselves before they can make some positive changes - they're just not there.
2- Do not burn the bridges you've used growing up - be political and available but not too available. You're not their counselor. They're not going thru a good time.
3- Take care of your priorities and your own emotional & physical health - sleep/ exercise/ study/ get a job - try not to let these issues affect your own emotional life - though it's hard to see how it would not - but seek friend's counsel in that matter.
Move out if you have to move out - but face the financial realities.0 -
Sometimes really crappy stuff happens to us, and we get an opportunity to grow from it. I understand that you love both your parents and you've tried to nicely speak to them about the fighting and being caught in the middle and it didn't work out very well. It seems like because of this you're hesitant or maybe even convinced you shouldn't try again.
To that I say you owe it to yourself and the people you love to do whatever you can to effect positive change in your lives. That doesn't mean you should side with one parent over the other or run away from the situation because it makes you uncomfortable and sad. Nor does it mean it's your responsibility to fix them or their problems but if the behavior they are exhibiting toward you and each other right now is causing you to lose respect for them and each other and causing you feel like they are bordering on being a liability to each other and you then I feel you have to at least step up and let them know that from your perspective.
Saying something like "Mom, I understand you're really angry right now, and that you feel hurt or betrayed by Dad and I'm so very sorry that you're going through this pain, it breaks my heart most of the time. When it's not breaking my heart it's making me feel very vulnerable, like if I don't agree with you and bad mouth Dad with you that we'll grow apart and not be close anymore. Dad is my parent like you are my parent and I have to maintain a level of respect with both of you and you two putting me in the middle is like each of you asking me to disrespect the other and I don't think that is a place our relationship should be going. I love the both of you too much for that. If you're feeling bad or sad or angry and want to take a walk, or workout, or go get many pedis together to get away for a while I'm in! I think it would be better for us to spend our time together building on our relationship instead of damaging it."
Please know that if you are in any danger of being abused you should most definitely leave now. Otherwise if it's just that your parents are too absorbed in their own campaign against each other to realize that you are not a weapon but their child then I think you're old enough and smart enough to make some positive strides towards carving your own destiny.
There are a lot of people in this life that put on you what you let them. Running from them only temporarily deals with the problem. I think you have another opportunity to share your perspective as a young adult. If they don't go for it then the other replies have given you a lot of viable options that with some sacrifice on your part will get you away from there one way or another.
God Bless you and I do pray it works out for you sooner rather than later.
Thank you. I feel like nothing I say helps and that anything I say will make the situation worse. My dad said that he would never tell me he's proud of me again and all kinds of hurtful things after I said that I wasn't going to take sides or be put in the middle and suggested counseling. I've been putting up with this for a decade now, this is not the first time. These things keep happening over and over, things settle down and they're okay, and then it happens again. Instead of trying to save their marriage, they badmouth each other to me. I know it's not a good environment for me to be in and I'm going to exhaust every option I have. I've threatened to move out before and have never done it, so I doubt they take me seriously.0 -
Lots of good advice has been given out - and you're going to have to chose, Here's my few cents
1- Try steer them both into professional or pastoral or whatever type of people they are counseling - cause they're going to need it and not come out unharmed from what you're describing and the secondary toxins are still going to affect you. So they need to be on better footing themselves before they can make some positive changes - they're just not there.
2- Do not burn the bridges you've used growing up - be political and available but not too available. You're not their counselor. They're not going thru a good time.
3- Take care of your priorities and your own emotional & physical health - sleep/ exercise/ study/ get a job - try not to let these issues affect your own emotional life - though it's hard to see how it would not - but seek friend's counsel in that matter.
Move out if you have to move out - but face the financial realities.
I suggested counseling and it started an argument. I feel like I can't offer any advice because it backfires. I currently have a job, but I only work 3 days a week because of college, so my income is poor (around $400/month). I have money saved up that I can live on for awhile but I don't make enough money to really supplement it.0 -
Well I guess there is no time like the present to figure out where you want to land and the best path to get you there. If you've been dealing with this for a decade then I suppose a few more nights won't break you
. Start checking around on rent for apartments close to school, maybe you could afford a studio or efficiency until this semester is up if you want to move to Virginia with your best friend.
Once you start checking things out hopefully the excitement of something new will help you deal with the situation at home until you get everything coordinated.
Best of luck to you!0 -
You've gotten a lot of good advice.
Many people avoid counseling. If your parents have been fighting for a decade now, one has to wonder why they're still together. They are obviously not interested in your advice. As a parent, I know how hard it is to take advice from your child, but sometimes it's really good advice! If there is someone they both respect (a friend or family member, for example), perhaps you could ask that person to intervene enough to suggest counseling, or at least get them to understand that they are risking their relationship with YOU if they keep involving you the way they have been.
Moving out would be good. However, they MAY be comfortable with having you there to complain to, and so if you move, try to do so without involving them, or even TELLING them about it until you HAVE to, so they don't interfere or throw up roadblocks to your move. They seem to be stuck in a rut and they will quite possibly try to keep you there because of that.
Sometimes it's better to love people from a distance. Even parents. :-(
Hope it works out for you somehow.0 -
They have abandoned their post as leaders, this makes life very confusing!
Find out (ask them) specifically what you can do to help them around the house. If they give you a confusing response, then do the things that make the most sense to you (like cleaning, or making a meal during the week, or some task or organizing etc etc). This should help them to see in what ways you can help.
If they ask for marriage help, tell them that you love them and want to help, but feel uncomfortable with that kind of "helping." I'm sure they will catch on quickly.
They need to get into their roles again, but you can't control that.
Get into your role, being loving and respectful, even if they don't deserve it.
It may be time for you to get busy with your education/community service/job or whatever you are doing.
People can change for the better, but just in case they don't, avoid being dragged into an unhealthy dynamic of disrespectful conversations/actions etc. You do sound very respectful, and that's a good place to be! This too shall pass, make the best of it and keep moving forward!! You will look back on this someday, so make the best of it.0 -
It's not the child's place to mediate the issues of the parents. Ever.
Pretty much this. And I would be pretty blunt with both of them about it because it honestly sounds like they need it. They're the parents, you're the child, you need to tell them to grow the hell up and leave you out of it.
She is NOT a child, she is an adult. Time to look after #1.
They need to get on with / solve their own problems and you need live your own life. Be supportive but be your own person.0 -
Move out.
If you are financially dependent on one or both of them remind each of them that your are their child and love them both, and if they loved you, they wouldn't put you in the middle of their problems.
Sorry, didn't read most posts because I'm falling asleep, but just wanted to say this post. My parents fought from the time I was 12. They always had me pick sides and then when they got really pissed they'd insult me and tell me I was just like the other. I was so sick of it, I got into an accelerated program and graduated high school a year early, got into a University and moved into a dorm on my own dime because I wasn't old enough to move out on my own legally. I didn't even have a job, I had to take out loans. Best decision I ever made. If you cant move out now, do everything you can to get out asap, get out before you spend years listening to the crap. It will f you up.0
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