Trying to better myself in a tough marriage...

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  • RonnieLodge
    RonnieLodge Posts: 665 Member
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    I think you should read this book - it is really uplifting and I think it could be useful to your situation.



    http://www.amazon.com/Mama-Genas-School-Womanly-Arts/dp/0743439937

    :wink:
  • Giddyduck
    Giddyduck Posts: 212 Member
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    I went back and reread your topic along with the all the feedback.

    First-Kudos to you for improving yourself! Graduate school, exercise, healthy life, etc. AWESOME

    Second-The overall question is how to improve yourself for weight loss/health journey....It appears you are already doing it. Congratulations. Sometimes we need to stop and remember our progress while we are looking at our goals.

    It sounds like you love your husband and want ideas for continued success. Use your health minded friends as a support when needed. One suggestion and something I also do-is journal. Give yourself an allotted amount of time (10 min) and write. It helps to me to reflect on my journey of whatever is going on and see my progress (when I look back).
  • dancingj2
    dancingj2 Posts: 4,572 Member
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    Just a few thoughts.

    Dieting - Hubby and I can talk about lots of things and help each other on lots of tasks. But diet is just off limits. "Help" just never seems helpful. So its one of those issues that we just don't talk about or comment on or anything - and that works for us.

    Marriage - well its never really easy. Two people with different ideas and needs. Communication, understanding and a desire to make it work I think are the keys. However it can be done. My dad was an alcoholic when my parents were first married and it was difficult from what my mom says. I know she threatened to leave him at one point. He did give up drinking and they worked things out.

    And hubby and I talk about just about anything which helps with understanding (excepts for that whole diet thing - we are just on completely different wavelengths on that)

    Thank you - this may seem silly but saying thank you for things he should have done really does help. I think they feel that any housework done should be praised. So a few words of praise may smooth things over and he may do the laundry again in a few days.
  • Fuzzipeg
    Fuzzipeg Posts: 2,298 Member
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    I admire you. A life where it 's like living with an extra child, or grumpy lodger and you can manage to work and study, I would have been proud of myself if I could have done the same. I am pleased for you that you are able to find the inner strength to look after your health and get your priorities right, providing for the children. Children, no matter how young or old they are need at least one parent who can do the job properly whether in or out of a marriage.

    One thing though, please do not threaten divorce again, till you have the ability and intention to see it through. If it comes up in row after row he will never take you seriously. You sent a blast across his bows, his wings are clipped by his own misdoings, he may come to his senses, he may well not. I hope you can get yourself closer to your financial goals before the mud hits the fan it is so disruptive in ways you can't plan for.

    Very very best wishes.
  • Llamapants86
    Llamapants86 Posts: 1,221 Member
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    For people saying how hard divorce is on the kids, have you ever lived in a house were the parents were sticking it out for the kids. I did, for 5 years and they were the worst 5 years of my life. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for myself and my sister, I just wished they would have done it earlier.

    As far as weight loss goes, support or not you got this. Support or not, weight loss comes down to the person losing the weight. Good luck.
  • PinkyPan1
    PinkyPan1 Posts: 3,018 Member
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    To answer your question....I have been successful with my health and weight loss goals while my husband has not been very supportive. I have used all my pent up anger, frustration and a whole bag of mixed emotions as my motivation. Divorce came up this week over dinner. After 20 years...."Pass the vegetables... do you want a divorce?" I am pissed even more. Since the conversation I have added an extra mile to my morning walk. Four months ago I could not walk a mile and I am now up to 6 miles. I wish you well and encourage you to keep going for your drives. Put yourself first and make no rash decisions.
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
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    For people saying how hard divorce is on the kids, have you ever lived in a house were the parents were sticking it out for the kids. I did, for 5 years and they were the worst 5 years of my life. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for myself and my sister, I just wished they would have done it earlier.

    As far as weight loss goes, support or not you got this. Support or not, weight loss comes down to the person losing the weight. Good luck.

    I have to agree. Divorce is terrible for kids, but there are worse situations. My parents should have never even married, much less stayed married for almost 30 years. They're divorced now, thankfully. I never again have to wonder which one is going to finally off the other one, landing the entire family on one of those crime shows.
  • ameliayaron
    ameliayaron Posts: 5 Member
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    Congratulations on taking such a huge step for YOU!

    Marriage is bloody hard (I blame Disney for false promises).

    Like others have said, you seem to have been given the short end of the stick with your husband..... what with him being *so helpful* all these years (sarcasm).

    He needs to change and I know that him doing small things that he should have been doing all these years seems like very little... but he's like a kid who just learned to poop on his own... tell him he did a good job... move on.

    I LOVE that you are now "going for drives" and taking time for you. That's the hardest part and I'm sure it's harder with kids.

    I was in a similar situation a few years ago and your story really resonated with me... Just wanted to say well done, don't take no *kitten* from husband and keep grinding. You are a beautiful person and don't let anyone (not even your own inner voice) tell you that you don't deserve the earth.

    x
  • Dogwalkingirl
    Dogwalkingirl Posts: 320 Member
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    This is not the place to probably talk about your marriage and look for advice as none of us TRULY know what is going on with you and your husband.

    However, with that said if your husband has a drinking problem and has for 7 years there is VERY VERY little chance this is going to change. I hope I do not offend recovering alcoholics here but there is only a very very very small percentage of alcoholics who ever change themselves forever. They may be able to stop for a week, stop for a few months, some even stop for year but many many many go back to their old ways.

    I married someone with a drinking problem...like your husband he always made very rash decisions, he did not have proper grasp of reality and he was doing nothing but dragging me down. I wanted to help him and wanted to see him get better but in the end leaving him was the BEST thing I have ever done in my life. Yes divorce is a huge deal, yes it is going to be hard on your children, yes it could be messy. However, how long do you want to feel like you can not be yourself? How long do you want to not feel loved and respected? How long do you want to wonder if there is better out there? You do not want to end up being 70 and having major regrets.

    This is just my view from what I have been through and this may not be the right decision for you but think long and hard and respect yourself. Do not get stuck in a cycle where you are in the same place with him 7 more years from now.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,933 Member
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    Maybe it would be fun to invite him along to swim with you :) Not for laps necessarily but just to mess around and play. And maybe try to just enjoy him wanting to have "relations" with you! Hopefully he's saying it's for helping but doesn't actually mean it.

    In terms of unsupported success... you don't need support. If he's trying to hinder you, blast through it. If he's simply not supporting but also not... not supporting (double negative lol meaning he's neutral) then you're still fine! For example, my bf doesn't think I need to lose weight and sometime asks me why I bother trying (though in a nice way). But I'm doing it for me and it took a while to adjust to it while doing it for myself but it's happening.

    ETA: Please don't give up on the marriage until your depression is dealt with. Certain factors can really affect a marriage and it would be a shame to let something good go if there's a chance to fix it. Maybe invite your husband to some therapy sessions to see if it could help him with the drinking.

    I remember seeing this meme once that I really loved. It showed an elderly couple cuddling on the bed. The meme said "People ask how we have had such a long and happy marriage. It's because we're from a time where when something broke, we fixed it instead of throwing it away". Of course there are situations where this isn't possible but I think they're more rare than the divorce rate suggests.

    I'm also a person who has a lot of respect for marriage though (I'm a very traditional person). For me, it's not something to be taken lightly. If you decide to get into it, you're deciding your whole future and you need to be aware of that before you get married. But I may not be the norm and you're probably not looking for my advice on this... in the end you'll know what's best for you.

    Good luck!
  • suremeansyes
    suremeansyes Posts: 962 Member
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    I'm not going to give you marriage advice, as I am going through a messy go of it myself, however let me just say that I lost 30 pounds with an non-supportive spouse.

    I was even working, and doing 100% of the housework, child raising and going to school. Now I know I wasn't working 4 jobs like you are, so I had an hour each day to workout if I wanted to, but the most important part of weight loss is a calorie deficit. You are already eating meals, so just make sure that they meet your needs.

    Second, I'm sure you have a bit of time here and there that you may be able to use more efficiently. I know when you are busy, you're exhausted, and it's easy to say "Where the eff do I have time to do ANYTHING?" but sit down and be extremely honest with yourself. Are your kids in any sports? Can you fit in a quick 15 minute run? Do you take your kids to the park? Play with them on the equipment, or do body weight exercises. Do you watch even -30 mins- of TV? Forgo it for now and do a workout. Or workout while you watch. I used to be terrible at getting housework done, so I made a promise to myself to get up and do housework during commercials...know what the result was? A clean house.

    You are stronger than you think you are. Even if you think you are strong, know you are even stronger than that.
  • suremeansyes
    suremeansyes Posts: 962 Member
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    PS. The OP is asking about weight loss advice and anecdotes, not marriage advice.
  • lbpears
    lbpears Posts: 40 Member
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    For people saying how hard divorce is on the kids, have you ever lived in a house were the parents were sticking it out for the kids. I did, for 5 years and they were the worst 5 years of my life. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for myself and my sister, I just wished they would have done it earlier.

    As far as weight loss goes, support or not you got this. Support or not, weight loss comes down to the person losing the weight. Good luck.

    I have to agree. Divorce is terrible for kids, but there are worse situations. My parents should have never even married, much less stayed married for almost 30 years. They're divorced now, thankfully. I never again have to wonder which one is going to finally off the other one, landing the entire family on one of those crime shows.

    I also agree. I firmly believe that one thing worse than coming from a "broken home" is growing up in one.
  • NJGmywholewrld
    NJGmywholewrld Posts: 123 Member
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    I am going through a very rough period in my marriage as well. Infeidelity, distrust and no respect for me at all. I am going through counseling and working on me. For the first time in my life, it is all about me. In the end, I know that my marriage will be over, but I will walk away a stronger, healthier woman. You have to take the time to work on yourself. Make you and your health your priority. It is the best thing you can do for yourself and children. I wish you the best of luck. Please feel free to add me. It is always nice having someone to talk to that knows what you are going through, firsthand.
  • mamadon
    mamadon Posts: 1,422 Member
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    You have a lot on your plate. No wonder you feel depressed. I bet you feel overwhelmed too. I think one of the most common problems in marriages is where one person feels like they are doing all the work, and that can cause a lot of resentment. Many men are raised to think that if they do stuff around the house, they deserve a thank you. (Not all men). I remember this comedy sketch from Jeff Foxworthy where he tells about going outside, to see his wife repaving the driveway. He's out there to show her the ashtray he just washed lol.
    I guess the way I look at it is simple. You either accept the person you married,or you don't. If you don't, then move on. If you do, then keep working on the marriage, while accepting your spouses imperfections. That does mean be a door mat. Do the things you want to do, regardless of what he does.
    As far as getting healthy, I personally feel support is great, that's why I use this site. However, when a person really wants this, support will make no difference. You just resolve to do it. No matter what.
  • afortunatedragon
    afortunatedragon Posts: 329 Member
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    In general, if you are fighting for no matter what, you have to ask yourself: is it worth fighting for.
    If you come to the conclusion it is not, then don't put any energy into that fight, as you will need it for another one.
  • scb515
    scb515 Posts: 133 Member
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    I wasn't married, but I came out of a 7 year relationship recently myself. It was a pretty rough time, but now I'm out the other side, it was the right decision for both of us. We weren't making each other happy or ourselves and I can acknowledge that now.

    Do you want the marriage to work? Does your husband? A relationship only has to end when no one cares enough to fight anymore. If at least one of you wants to salvage it, maybe you can. Think about what you truly want.

    I was part way through my weight loss journey when we broke up. I thought I would be happier and more confident, and that would help our relationship - it didn't. I decided to continue for me - I refused to comfort eat. First time in my life I coped by being in control rather than binging. Now I've lost all the relationship weight, I do feel happier, but it's not the magic cure I thought it would be. I look better on the outside, on the inside there are still insecurities I have to deal with.

    I guess what I'm saying is if you want it enough, you'll lose weight in or out of a relationship. I can't decide for you whether your marriage is worth saving, but if it doesn't work out, you will survive. I know I felt like I was struggling, even though I was better off on my own, but so many people held me up until I was able to stand again. Don't let a fear of being alone sway you - base your choices on your current relationship and what it does/doesn't do for you.

    Feel free to message me, I know how difficult it is.
  • MrsC1st
    MrsC1st Posts: 45 Member
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    Marriage can be very difficult to say the least, but you have to weigh your options. I'm one hundred percent for working through marital problems. Our vows state for better or worse, for rich or poor, in sickness and in health etc. It seem to me that you still love your husband and that is great. I'm not a professional on this particular subject, but I do have a lot of experience on the subject. You may have never realized, but some men feel threatened when their wives are making great lifelong changes (ie. getting your education, weight loss, and overall making great moves in life) especially if he isn't. Some men become afraid and begin to act out in foolish ways that have the potential to destroy a marriage. Sometimes men are afraid to discuss these things with their wives. I won't make excuses for him, but I will say that you should use every bit of what you are going through to fuel your weightloss efftorts. You pushed through many other obstacles and you can beat this too. Just love and take care of you first and be brutally honest about the dynamics of your marital situation. In spite of my love for marriage and happy families, you have to know when to hold'em,know when to fold'em, know when to walk away and when to run. Set goals for your marriage and hopefully he will rise to the occasion; at the end of the day sometimes the only person we can save is ourselves. You can friend me or personal message anytime if you need to talk. I'm a very private person, but I had to learn that we all need support sometimes. Cheer up and be very aware of your perception of this situation. P.S. Some men are still dealing with childhood dysfunction and insecurities that have the potential to still affect them to this day.
  • Loralrose
    Loralrose Posts: 203
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    As the child of people who should have divorced and didn't "because of the children," I say don't use that as a reason to stay married. Your kids can tell things aren't right. They'll be better off with a happy single mom than a bitter, unhappily married mom.

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