Those skinny friends who say you don't need to lose weight
Replies
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I feel like these conversations happen because we are always more critical of ourselves than we are of others. Sometimes I see people that weigh more than me and my first thought is not, they look horrible and need to lose weight. Sometimes I think they look fine. But if I were that size, I know I would feel like I needed to lose weight. I think it has to do with that self focus trait that we all have. And then it might also be a matter of being polite. It's not nice to tell your friend that they're fat and need to lose 50 pounds. It may be the truth, but it's not polite. How would you feel if the friends had said, you're fat and need to lose a lot of weight?0
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I've been told that, too. And it's followed up by "Even if you lose 50 pounds, you won't feel comfortable in your skin." Thanks. No, seriously...thanks. /sigh I respond with something along the lines of "Well, it's not about looks, mostly. It's about the fact that I'm already at risk for heart disease and diabetes due to genetics. I'd rather not bring it on myself by being over 100 pounds overweight."0
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'I need to drop a few pounds' type rather than my lose 28 kilos. Going well but not there yet. Appearance vs health. Sometimes vanity, sometimes other things.
Still... It is rare that a 62kg (as an example) person would need to lose weight.0 -
Whenever someone who's clearly in a healthy or even skinny weight range says, "I need to lose weight," I like to help them out by responding, "Yeah, you really do."
Okay, no, I don't, but let's face it: in 99% of the cases the complainer would react poorly to that feedback.
Generally if someone complains about their weight, they're fishing for compliments. Even if they don't know it, they're seeking feedback that they still look great/hot/slim/whatever. EVERYONE has done this at some point in their lives.
If it really bothers you, talk to your friend. If your friend keeps doing it, avoid that person. You're supposed to be each other's support team, not one person's cheering section.0 -
On top of the media enforced body image issues that we all deal with when we look inward as women, we also deal with another factor of learned pretense when it comes to dealing with the outside world.
“We teach girls shame: Close your legs; cover yourself. We make them feel as though by being born female, they’re already guilty of something. As so, girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. They grow up to be women who have to silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think….And they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form.” – Chimamanda Adichie
Your skinny friends are just as caught up in this cycle, and perhaps don't actually have the know how to be supportive of your journey. It might not be their unwillingness to be there for you in the way you need, but a fundamental lack of ability.0 -
Quite a few times over the past few years, when I've mentioned to my friends that I needed to lose weight...they would tell me that I don't need to. But then they go one about how they need to lose weight...blah blah...and they are about half my size. I can't be the only one who experienced this, how do you respond to something like that?
The alternative to telling you that you don't need to lose weight is telling you you need to lose weight. Would you honestly tell a fat friend that yes, you ARE a land whale?0 -
I've also found that there's a disconnect between how we see ourselves and how we see others. I think we are much more critical of ourselves and more forgiving of others. They may honestly not see you as needing to lose weight, but then see themselves as needing to lose weight. I'm not saying this is the case, but I know that what I see in the mirror is not what other people see when they see me.
Precisely..
too often people jump right to calling girls (and guys, as there are some guys like it, too) like this 'attention *kitten*'. When that just isn't the case. Body dysmorphia, eating disorders... they are real.And even people who don't suffer with them might struggle with self image. Because we do not see others the way they see themselves.
I struggle wearing bathing suits because I feel like my thighs are huge. Not to mention I have proof of weight loss on my thighs (stretch marks) and other things that should be insignificant, but aren't to me. Yet, everyone expects me to be comfortable in one just because I'm skinnier now. It baffles me how people automatically assume that people who are skinnier will automatically be confident. In a perfect world, everyone would be confident - regardless of size. But this is not a perfect world, so even skinny girls and boys sometimes lack body confidence.0 -
Don't talk about it, just do it.0
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I have three girls at work who all have virtually perfect figures but constantly say they need to lose weight!
Definition of Virtually: in effect though not in fact
See, if you told them they were actually perfect instead of virtually perfect, maybe they would be content.
*kidding0 -
I think friends just dont want you to feel worse. They want you to feel good about yourself like most people. For this reason I dont tell my friends when I trying to lose weight. When they see me next time and say WOW you look great did you lose some weight , I just feels so much better and inspiring to lose more and work harder then when someone says ," you dont need to lose weight." Just a thought.0
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I am borrowing this from one of my favorite blogs:
When you know for a fact you are overweight (and it is having a negative effect on your health) and someone tells you, "You don't need to lose weight." It can translate several ways.
a) "I like being the thin one in our relationship, and I don't want to lose my identity."
b) "I'm afraid if you change you won't be my friend."
c) "I don't like seeing you achieve your goals, because it reminds me of how I am not achieving mine."0 -
I am borrowing this from one of my favorite blogs:
When you know for a fact you are overweight (and it is having a negative effect on your health) and someone tells you, "You don't need to lose weight." It can translate several ways.
a) "I like being the thin one in our relationship, and I don't want to lose my identity."
b) "I'm afraid if you change you won't be my friend."
c) "I don't like seeing you achieve your goals, because it reminds me of how I am not achieving mine."
This is so wrong I can't decide if I should laugh or weep that people believe this to be the case. Sure there are some people that this describes, but the majority of people don't want to say "yeah girl, you're fat, it's about time." In fact, a lot of people don't even believe that. Most people in America are overweight and don't want to judge others or hurt others feelings. A lot of people, myself included, don't feel that anyone "needs" to lose weight because our media already tells everyone that they aren't good enough unless they look like a model. If a fat friend said they needed to lose weight, I'd tell them they don't need to, but it's cool they want to get healthier.
Your list is awful and is part of the "hate skinny people" mentality and I'd like the name of the blog it's from so I can avoid it.0 -
I am borrowing this from one of my favorite blogs:
When you know for a fact you are overweight (and it is having a negative effect on your health) and someone tells you, "You don't need to lose weight." It can translate several ways.
a) "I like being the thin one in our relationship, and I don't want to lose my identity."
b) "I'm afraid if you change you won't be my friend."
c) "I don't like seeing you achieve your goals, because it reminds me of how I am not achieving mine."
This is so wrong I can't decide if I should laugh or weep that people believe this to be the case. Sure there are some people that this describes, but the majority of people don't want to say "yeah girl, you're fat, it's about time." In fact, a lot of people don't even believe that. Most people in America are overweight and don't want to judge others or hurt others feelings. A lot of people, myself included, don't feel that anyone "needs" to lose weight because our media already tells everyone that they aren't good enough unless they look like a model. If a fat friend said they needed to lose weight, I'd tell them they don't need to, but it's cool they want to get healthier.
Your list is awful and is part of the "hate skinny people" mentality and I'd like the name of the blog it's from so I can avoid it.
I agree.0 -
I am borrowing this from one of my favorite blogs:
When you know for a fact you are overweight (and it is having a negative effect on your health) and someone tells you, "You don't need to lose weight." It can translate several ways.
a) "I like being the thin one in our relationship, and I don't want to lose my identity."
b) "I'm afraid if you change you won't be my friend."
c) "I don't like seeing you achieve your goals, because it reminds me of how I am not achieving mine."
This is so wrong I can't decide if I should laugh or weep that people believe this to be the case. Sure there are some people that this describes, but the majority of people don't want to say "yeah girl, you're fat, it's about time." In fact, a lot of people don't even believe that. Most people in America are overweight and don't want to judge others or hurt others feelings. A lot of people, myself included, don't feel that anyone "needs" to lose weight because our media already tells everyone that they aren't good enough unless they look like a model. If a fat friend said they needed to lose weight, I'd tell them they don't need to, but it's cool they want to get healthier.
Your list is awful and is part of the "hate skinny people" mentality and I'd like the name of the blog it's from so I can avoid it.
I agree.
+1
Sometimes someone saying something polite and nice is just being polite and nice. These attempts to interpret everything anyone says as backhanded compliments and attacks seem awfully self defeating and indicative of self esteem issues, IMHO.0 -
Quite a few times over the past few years, when I've mentioned to my friends that I needed to lose weight...they would tell me that I don't need to. But then they go one about how they need to lose weight...blah blah...and they are about half my size. I can't be the only one who experienced this, how do you respond to something like that?
I just smile and nod. Then when they are busy talking to someone else, I take a slice of cake and shove it in their open mouth, pushing it down their throat whilst screaming "Incoming!!!!!" They usually don't talk to me after that. Win/win.0 -
I am borrowing this from one of my favorite blogs:
When you know for a fact you are overweight (and it is having a negative effect on your health) and someone tells you, "You don't need to lose weight." It can translate several ways.
a) "I like being the thin one in our relationship, and I don't want to lose my identity."
b) "I'm afraid if you change you won't be my friend."
c) "I don't like seeing you achieve your goals, because it reminds me of how I am not achieving mine."
This is so wrong I can't decide if I should laugh or weep that people believe this to be the case. Sure there are some people that this describes, but the majority of people don't want to say "yeah girl, you're fat, it's about time." In fact, a lot of people don't even believe that. Most people in America are overweight and don't want to judge others or hurt others feelings. A lot of people, myself included, don't feel that anyone "needs" to lose weight because our media already tells everyone that they aren't good enough unless they look like a model. If a fat friend said they needed to lose weight, I'd tell them they don't need to, but it's cool they want to get healthier.
Your list is awful and is part of the "hate skinny people" mentality and I'd like the name of the blog it's from so I can avoid it.
I agree.
+1
Sometimes someone saying something polite and nice is just being polite and nice. These attempts to interpret everything anyone says as backhanded compliments and attacks seem awfully self defeating and indicative of self esteem issues, IMHO.
Pretty much all of this0 -
I say buck those fitches. For real.0
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I don't ever say anything to my friends about this. Period. This weight loss/getting fit and healthy thing is my business and no one else's. I just quietly eat right and hit the gym 4x a week without saying a word about it to anyone.0
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I don't ever say anything to my friends about this. Period. This weight loss/getting fit and healthy thing is my business and no one else's. I just quietly eat right and hit the gym 4x a week without saying a word about it to anyone.
This is what I do. I don't even talk about it with my family, only my husband. Regardless, I agree with NinerBuff and the other person who posted the three things about women who tell you that you don't need to lose weight. It's true. They don't want to lose their position in the friendship as the "skinny" friend. Sad but true.0 -
I would rather have them offer to work out with me, to be honest.0
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I'm sure they're being polite or just trying to be supportive. I think everyone, "skinny" or otherwise feels the pressure to be thinner, "more perfect", what have you. Thank the media and advertisements for that.
You can just say "thank you, I appreciate you saying that, but I want to do it to get healthier or be happier". Everyone is on their own journey, including your friends and it's not always about the size on your clothes. It's a perspective.
This response was very well said, and I couldn't have said it any better! It's hard sometimes to realize that we're not the only ones facing issues and insecurities with our bodies. At the end of the day we can strive to give others the same caring support, which we hope to receive ourselves as well.0 -
As one who is usually considered the "skinny friend," I often feel incredibly uncomfortable when heavier friends discuss their weight. When someone says "I need to lose weight," sometimes I think, "yes, you certainly do," but am too afraid to say this because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I am also the WORST liar ever, so I also can't say "no! You look great!" So instead I end up just feeling really awkward and uncomfortable. A lot of my friends know of my weight loss journey so they'll ask me for tips or to be their workout buddy, which I think is a much more appropriate way of bringing up the topic. It makes us both feel a lot less judged.
Also, as the "skinny friend," there are times when I put a few pounds back on and want to lose them (such as now). If I say I need to lose some weight, please don't judge me for that or say I'm already skinny - we all have an ideal body size/image we'd like to attain and the fact that my starting point is different from yours shouldn't negate that.0 -
they are trying to be "nice" to your face but who knows what they could be saying behind your back.
sorry but i never trust these type people who will lie to my face. it's like i know i;m fat, you know i'm fat but then you're going to stand here and try and convince me im not? :laugh: bich please :noway:
i think a truer and more supportive response would be something like what is your plan? or you can do just let me know if you ever want a workout buddy.0 -
I have the opposite problem... People who are larger than me telling me to shut up because I don't need to lose weight. So I guess I'm the annoying skinnier person? But just because my friend is obese doesn't mean I don't need to lose weight, and it annoys me when they blow me off when I bring up something that is an important goal in my life right now. So...
Yup.
I never purposely try and talk about my weight, but I do talk about exercise or eating healthier.
It sucks when your friends say you don't need to change anything lest you look anorexic.
I'm sure there ARE crappy friends out there, but give them the benefit of the doubt I say.0 -
I just don't bring up my weight ever, especially around people who are thinner than me. It's mostly out of being self conscious though.0
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