Long post - any help appreciated

hmg90 · June 2014

I could use some input on my diet/lifestyle situation and would be really grateful if any of you could read through it. I have just turned 24, am 5”9 and 145.5 lbs.

Please excuse me in advance for any grammar/language mistake, as I’m not from US/UK.

My diet is not really unhealthy per se. I grew up on very healthy food. We didn’t get to taste sugar and when we eventually did we didn’t like it. We had seafood four times a week, one vegetarian and otherwise chicken and turkey or lean pork. In my 24 year old life I’ve probably had McDonald’s once. My mum’s done everything right.

I still eat homemade food and I don’t crave junk food. I love chocolate but it’s not a craving, hence I can stay away from candy pretty easily. My main cravings are carbohydrates and fat, normal food really, just in larger amounts. Bread, pasta, wine and cheese would sum it up.

After about 17 I started gaining. I noticed I couldn’t eat as I pleased anymore. I gained almost 15 lbs on a holiday just from eating what I wanted, from 128 lbs to 141 lbs. When I came home, my dad told me to lose it and I went on a diet and it all disappeared with some effort during about four weeks.

I gain and lose pretty quickly. Maybe that’s just my body and that I can notice fluctuations easily, but if I’ve overeaten or dieted you can tell on my body pretty easily. When I try to actively use a diet with great effort, the weight comes off faster than it’s supposed to - meaning I can aim for 1 lbs a week and tailor my diet correctly after that, and end up losing 4 a week. I need to really suffer for it though, especially after I discovered alcohol. Before that it was a breeze.

For some time I tried to work around my bad relationship with alcohol. Meaning I would calculate even high amounts in and limit my food intake. Some days I’d have 500 calories worth of healthy, high protein food and make room for two bottles of wine. Which worked well for some time, but my body craved real nutrition and I’d end up feeling awful and in need of food a few days later.

I can add that my alcohol tolerance is pretty high. Might be due to my height, but also the fact that (as many raised in France) I started early and had wine as part of lunch, apero, whatever and it takes a lot to get me tipsy. I need a couple of bottles of wine or quite a lot of gin before I start noticing it.

I thought about joining AA, even looked up a few meetings, but I can’t bring myself to go. I don’t feel like my issue is “big” enough, it’s not like I’m famous for getting obscenely drunk. Besides I am not sure if I have the motivation, nor enough better things to replace it.

Today I am 146 lbs and I want desperately to be thin. I used to be about 127 lbs and everything was better. I could wear whatever and it was easy. I feel like in the last three years, just by gaining weight, I have aged ten years. I hate the way I look and feel like **** in anything. Men used to give me more attention before - I don’t care what they say, they prefer thin girls. I am doing exercises for stomach and butt, but the main thing is I want to lose the extra kilos. As they say, abs are made in the kitchen.

The company I worked for closed up a couple of weeks ago. I have no work and nothing to fill my days with. My friends are back visiting family or on holiday. Right now it looks pretty bleak - I can’t think of anything to look forward to other than Mad Men and a bottle of wine.

I know this is up to me and none of you people can “fix” me but I was hoping for some helpful advice anyway. I’m sure one j or two things I’ve mentioned are issues some of you have faced before, and perhaps managed to sort out.

I’m torn between different methods. Getting back on the 5:2. Or doing the 1300-1500 a day, moderately, boring and slow and perhaps not even sustainable. I just don’t know I can manage as I have very little confidence in me now. I’ve become a woman possessed and am asking friends for cocaine contacts or tips on purging. I've become one of those people desperate for weight loss that people prey on.

Some tips on how to get started perhaps. Some input on addiction. Anything, really. How you lost the vanity pounds. Or how people who lost their willpower got back on it.

Kalikel · June 2014

You're an alcoholic. Adding cocaine will not help. Neither will purging, if by purging you mean vomiting.

You need help.

Go to AA. All you need to do is show up and they take it from there. Just go.

Kick the booze, then worry about food.

Don't add drugs. That's just as stupid an idea as it can be.

Good luck!!!'

RodaRose · June 2014

If the 5:2 worked for you, then get back.
Stop drinking completely. You will feel better about yourself and your future.

Ready2Rock206 · June 2014

Therapy. You've got a lot of issues going on. Getting someone to talk to could only help. Alcohol, Drugs and purging are not the answer.

AllOutof_Bubblegum · June 2014

Put the bottle down. It sounds like you had no serious problems until you started drinking copiously. It is getting you nowhere, not adding anything praiseworthy or happy to your life, only giving you poor eating habits, gaining weight, and feeling sick in return. Not even CLOSE to worth it, so just give it up. Stop. If you feel you can't stop, then you absolutely need help, and need to go to AA. No more excuses, just get to work. Good luck.

AllOutof_Bubblegum · June 2014

Also, start lifting heavy weights. The answer is always "more weights".

An added benefit of lifting weights is that over time, your body will naturally develop an aversion to things that aren't healthy. If you stop drinking and lift heavy weights for 6 months, there is a high probability that your next drink (if there is one, which I don't recommend) will not be as enjoyable as it used to be.

SharonNehring · June 2014

I agree with your other replies. You have an addiction to alcohol. Read your own post, all the negative things you listed started after drinking became more of a problem. Having a glass of wine at dinner is fine, having 2 bottles of wine is not. Feeling that you must drink to the point of being drunk is not either.

You need to talk to someone much more helpful and experienced than us. Go to the closest AA meeting you can find. Go to your doctor and tell him what's going on and get a referral to a specialist. Making excuses is not going to help fix this problem, you have to own it and be willing to make the changes needed to turn things around. Please go talk to the professionals.

nomeejerome · June 2014

AA is not the only form of treatment for alcohol and it would benefit you to explore different options that would be the best for your situation. You have identified problems, which is an important aspect of starting to feel better. Seek a professional who is able to assess your current needs and move forward from there. (nobody here is able to diagnose you based on the information you provided in this thread)

ravenmiss · June 2014

AA is not the only form of treatment for alcohol and it would benefit you to explore different options that would be the best for your situation. You have identified problems, which is an important aspect of starting to feel better. Seek a professional who is able to assess your current needs and move forward from there. (nobody here is able to diagnose you based on the information you provided in this thread)

This a million times over. AA isn't the only option, I had drink problems over a year ago and AA type meetings wouldn't have helped me, nor would I have gone to them but 1-2-1 talking to a professional did.

You need to sort all that kind of stuff out and your own internal issues with a professional before you should even start to think of weight loss on top of it all.

alyssa_6481 · June 2014

I think you are trying to tackle too many things at once and are possibly overwhelmed.
Jobless, alcohol addiction, body issues, and so on...

You need to get very honest with yourself.

Since you have plenty of free time I would start by separating each of these issues. Maybe a separate piece of paper or notebook even for each one.
Write down your goals in each area - they need to be realistic. Under that, write down steps you can take TODAY towards those goals. Then tell someone about your goals. Someone you know well and can trust to help you stay accountable, as well as that will be supportive.

You mention being worried that sticking to 1300 to 1500 calories per day will not be sustainable for you. Well...cocaine, purging, and your self-defeating habits aren't exactly sustainable either and they will make you ugly inside and out even if it made you thin.

As far as your alcohol addiction is concerned...AA is free, open to anyone and you don't even have to talk. When they get to you just say "pass" or say your name and that you are just there to see what it is like. You can go. Sit. Listen. It will get you out of the house and around people that can relate to your cravings for alcohol/food (yes you can be addicted to food)/ and anything else you are struggling with.
Not everyone has to completely destroy their lives in order to realize they need to change. Rock bottom is when you realize you can't continue living the way you are (no matter how that is). Don't stop going if you don't like the first meeting. Keep going for a while or try different meetings. They are NOT all the same. Different people with different things to say and different environments. You may not like the first one you attend but it will make you feel more comfortable to attend a different one or more. People in AA are also great at helping you find other resources to help you deal with the other issues you are facing.

There's a lot more I could go through with you but those are a few places to start. If you would like to discuss things further you can send me a private message. I do have experience working in the drug/alcohol abuse treatment field but am not a licensed therapist.

squidgirl68 · June 2014

Hey there,

I'm an addiction counselor and ex-IV heroin user. First you really need to force yourself to a meeting just sit there and listen. Like twistedpistol said, you have alot going on. You are adding so many empty calories with the alcohol.

In my experience so far, getting the "quick fix" is not a quality change.

All day I work with clients who want to just take away the drug use but don't want to deal with why and how they got there in the first place. Alcohol and cocaine are simply just not good fuel for you to be putting into your body.

ravenmiss · June 2014

Hey there,

I'm an addiction counselor and ex-IV heroin user. First you really need to force yourself to a meeting just sit there and listen.

Why force? Why not find appropriate therapy suitable to the client?

RogueinSF · June 2014

I love wine, too, but it just turns straight to sugar so we may as well sit down to eat a cake if we are going to be drinking more than a glass. I had to cut out wine other than on occasional social outings because it made me feel awful - as did smoking and all of those fabulous vagaries of youth. I miss them but I feel so much better not partaking. I sympathize though, I know how hard it is when one is young to limit drinking. As for your weight, well, you are not overweight and you are not 18 so you may just be coming into your adult figure (look at Julie Delphy who is fantastic in her 40's and not skin and bones). However, if you eat well - small meals that include complex carbs, protein, and fat (crisp rye crackers and 30g of cheese and an apple or a noodle-less vegetable soup with 4oz of lean protein) and eat tiny snacks (like fruit or nuts) every two hours, you can cut your intake down to 1200 and not be hungry. Anyway, that is what I am doing and it is working for me, though I have significantly more to lose than you do (you actually probably look really good and it is the feeling bad about yourself that is keeping the men off rather than your weight). Everyone has a different body type, but I am 5'6 and in my picture I weigh 130 which is perfect for me (though I do have large bones). So, at 5'9 I have a hard time believing you look very fat at 145. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself? My advice: eat smart, be nice to yourself, do yoga three times a week, and walk or bicycle everywhere - you will feel amazing and be as beautiful as you can imagine without feeling like you are punishing yourself.

hmg90 · June 2014

Thanks a lot for the responses. I'll try to take this step by step. It's a little hard, I feel like I want to deal with everything and get it over with.

cingle87 · July 2014

Like other have said you have other issues going on that are more important than losing a few pounds, Ive seen first hand what alcoholism does to people and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. So please see help in what ever was you feel best then come back and we can talk about those few pounds to want to lose.

wonderwoman234 · July 2014

Hey there,

I'm an addiction counselor and ex-IV heroin user. First you really need to force yourself to a meeting just sit there and listen.

Why force? Why not find appropriate therapy suitable to the client?

Sometimes addicts need a push to get the treatment they need. We ALL have to force ourselves to do things that are scary or challenging. Usually addicts need therapy AND meetings (and often in-patient treatment and sober housing). Quitting the substance doesn't solve the underlying issue. That's why meetings are great. Meetings are where the true recovery can happen, surrounded by other people who know what you are going through and can offer compassion in a way that others often can't or don't.

alyssa_6481 · July 2014

Hey there,

I'm an addiction counselor and ex-IV heroin user. First you really need to force yourself to a meeting just sit there and listen.

Why force? Why not find appropriate therapy suitable to the client?

The client does not know whether or not it is suitable until she tries and the client expresses interest. I've seen a lot of people say it isn't for them but attend a few meetings and give it a try ending in great results and a renewed perspective.

hmg90 · July 2014

I love wine, too, but it just turns straight to sugar so we may as well sit down to eat a cake if we are going to be drinking more than a glass. I had to cut out wine other than on occasional social outings because it made me feel awful - as did smoking and all of those fabulous vagaries of youth. I miss them but I feel so much better not partaking. I sympathize though, I know how hard it is when one is young to limit drinking. As for your weight, well, you are not overweight and you are not 18 so you may just be coming into your adult figure (look at Julie Delphy who is fantastic in her 40's and not skin and bones). However, if you eat well - small meals that include complex carbs, protein, and fat (crisp rye crackers and 30g of cheese and an apple or a noodle-less vegetable soup with 4oz of lean protein) and eat tiny snacks (like fruit or nuts) every two hours, you can cut your intake down to 1200 and not be hungry. Anyway, that is what I am doing and it is working for me, though I have significantly more to lose than you do (you actually probably look really good and it is the feeling bad about yourself that is keeping the men off rather than your weight). Everyone has a different body type, but I am 5'6 and in my picture I weigh 130 which is perfect for me (though I do have large bones). So, at 5'9 I have a hard time believing you look very fat at 145. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself? My advice: eat smart, be nice to yourself, do yoga three times a week, and walk or bicycle everywhere - you will feel amazing and be as beautiful as you can imagine without feeling like you are punishing yourself.

Thanks for this.
I have not been drinking since I wrote the post. I could kill for a glass of wine on most nights, but my solution has pretty much been to go to sleep very early.

I'm eating 1300 calories a day and I know it is too soon to notice a difference, but I usually feel lighter right away. Now I just feel fat, and my digestion doesn't seem to be working well either. I rarely have to go and if I do, it's just a little bit.

RodaRose · July 2014

I love wine, too, but it just turns straight to sugar so we may as well sit down to eat a cake if we are going to be drinking more than a glass. I had to cut out wine other than on occasional social outings because it made me feel awful - as did smoking and all of those fabulous vagaries of youth. I miss them but I feel so much better not partaking. I sympathize though, I know how hard it is when one is young to limit drinking. As for your weight, well, you are not overweight and you are not 18 so you may just be coming into your adult figure (look at Julie Delphy who is fantastic in her 40's and not skin and bones). However, if you eat well - small meals that include complex carbs, protein, and fat (crisp rye crackers and 30g of cheese and an apple or a noodle-less vegetable soup with 4oz of lean protein) and eat tiny snacks (like fruit or nuts) every two hours, you can cut your intake down to 1200 and not be hungry. Anyway, that is what I am doing and it is working for me, though I have significantly more to lose than you do (you actually probably look really good and it is the feeling bad about yourself that is keeping the men off rather than your weight). Everyone has a different body type, but I am 5'6 and in my picture I weigh 130 which is perfect for me (though I do have large bones). So, at 5'9 I have a hard time believing you look very fat at 145. Maybe you are being too hard on yourself? My advice: eat smart, be nice to yourself, do yoga three times a week, and walk or bicycle everywhere - you will feel amazing and be as beautiful as you can imagine without feeling like you are punishing yourself.

Thanks for this.
I have not been drinking since I wrote the post. I could kill for a glass of wine on most nights, but my solution has pretty much been to go to sleep very early.

I'm eating 1300 calories a day and I know it is too soon to notice a difference, but I usually feel lighter right away. Now I just feel fat, and my digestion doesn't seem to be working well either. I rarely have to go and if I do, it's just a little bit.

Be gentle with yourself.

wonderwoman234 · July 2014

OP, it is good that you stopped drinking but to be in RECOVERY you need to work on your body, mind and spirit. Stopping the use of the substance does not heal you. You need to get to the issues that caused you to start an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I would encourage you to go to a meeting. You won't find any judgment there and you don't have to talk if you don't want. You can just sit and listen. And you will be amazed at how supportive the group will be.

Long post - any help appreciated

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