No self-confidence yet, how do I tell other people?

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KelseyBee2014
KelseyBee2014 Posts: 188 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm 19 years old and I've always been way overweight. I've never been comfortable with myself and have 0 self-confidence (I'm working on it!). I've never dated, nor have I ever tried to date. I know I'm not ready AT ALL. The whole 'you have to love yourself before someone else can love you' thing. But I have SO many people in my life wondering why I'm just not interested in dating, etc. I've tried to tell them why I'm not interested with everything short of saying "I'm fat and I very strongly dislike how I feel in my body and about myself", which I just won't say something that private because most of these people are just friendly coworkers. Has anyone else been in this position, and how do you deal with it?

Replies

  • Imadorkable
    Imadorkable Posts: 415 Member
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    I was in that position. I was overweight (probably obese) and had zero self confidence. I had my family ask me multiple times "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" or "We need to find you a guy." I kind of laughed at their comments and brushed them off. When they really pushed the issue I said, "If a guy is interested enough in me then it will happen but until then I need to work on me."I didn't start dating till I was 21 and that was because the guy pursued me. Now we are married.
  • KelseyBee2014
    KelseyBee2014 Posts: 188 Member
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    I was in that position. I was overweight (probably obese) and had zero self confidence. I had my family ask me multiple times "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" or "We need to find you a guy." I kind of laughed at their comments and brushed them off. When they really pushed the issue I said, "If a guy is interested enough in me then it will happen but until then I need to work on me."I didn't start dating till I was 21 and that was because the guy pursued me. Now we are married.

    What a happy ending! <3
  • Velum_cado
    Velum_cado Posts: 1,608 Member
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    I disagree with the "love yourself before anyone else can love you" thing. I feel that sometimes, seeing how someone else loves you can give you a different perspective on yourself and make it easier to see the positive things. Also, you'll be on the other side - seeing positive things about someone else while they're probably hung up on some "flaws", which can help in how you see yourself as well. But obviously you need to do what you feel will be the best thing for yourself!

    I really understand where you're coming from. When I was younger, I just couldn't fathom being in a relationship, as much as part of me wanted to be. There are a lot of reasons for that, one of which was probably due to my weight and self-confidence. I didn't really date til I was 25. Had a couple of very short term relationships, then met my now husband when I was 27 (I'm 34 now). It wasn't until I met my husband that my confidence in myself and my own body really grew because I saw how much *he* loved it.

    I didn't really have people asking me why I wasn't dating when I was younger. I think the people in my life just accepted it as part of who I was. I think if I were in your position, I might respond with something like, "I'm young, and I want to focus on myself for a while. I'll start dating when I'm ready." Or, if you don't feel like responding like that, just turn it around and say, "I wonder why that's important to you."
  • David_AUS
    David_AUS Posts: 298 Member
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    Hi Kelsey,

    You cannot force love but you have already stated on the surface why you are not looking for a relationship - I encourage you to dig deeper however the reason you have put forward is just part of a façade, a story you are creating while you work things out. You feel limited in some way which can be a result that you are not living your life to your true values - commonly this is when you are living life or trying to to please other people or other people values.

    What you have written could have just as easily been myself at that age also. The love yourself before someone can love you has many levels. For me at the surface level when you are trying to look or force love it is to fill a hole within - this is where people say "you complete me". This means that there is usually something about yourself that you feel lack of and you are filling this hole or at least trying to with what you believe the other person has that you lack. It is difficult to sustain this kind of relationship and is one of the reasons when the "honeymoon" period is over the relationship breaks down.

    There is another adage that "you are already perfect" - one of the simple ways of looking at this is that you are experiencing what you are meant to experience as an immortal spirit living a limited human life in your case understanding what life is like to live as Kelsey. That through life you are coming to a remembering of who you truly are. That you in reality everything you already have everything you will ever need, desire or want. Have you ever experienced a time where something was so clear in your mind that something was going to happen that even though you still had to complete the "doing part" the end result was already known in your mind?

    Anyhow I will stop here for now - just now that you are an incredible person. That you are capable of amazing things and where you are now is exactly where you choose to be.
  • Chezzie84
    Chezzie84 Posts: 873 Member
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    4 years ago I was single, fat and unhappy. I did not love myself at all. I was not looking for a relationship because I did not feel worthy of love. My self confidence like yours was zero, my self esteem ran away years ago.
    My friends and family would ask me why I didn't have anyone, my response was because I want to travel and I don't want to be tied down.
    I even went so far as to actually travel to keep up my façade.

    Then at work I met a guy called Chris. He was like this hurricane of fresh air and we became very good friends. Slowly he wriggled his way past my defences with kindness and friendship. He slowly without me realising for a long time took down my defenses brick by brick until I was completely vulnerable and so in love with him.
    Four years on, we live together =)
    Over the years I have been his "work in progress", he has taught me to love myself by loving me, being kind to me, listening to my insecurities and insanities.

    I think the point of my story is that when the right person comes along it will just happen, slowly and painless. They will see you for what you are a lovely beautiful women and they will be willing to take time to help you see it in yourself.. I was 26 when I found my Mr Right.
    Its nobody's business why your not dating whatever the reason. You are just not... End of.
  • _runnerbean_
    _runnerbean_ Posts: 640 Member
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    Kelsey bee- firstly, you look really pretty in your photo. (Sorry if that sounds creepy- I'm a 39 yr old married lady so not trying to hit on you!). I think dating isn't one of those things you make an active decision to do. I found the harder I tried to find a boyfriend, the less luck I had. I met my husband on a night out with a friend when I wasn't "trying" at all. I don't know why your co-workers are making such a big deal out of this. Young ladies should be out having fun with friends, doing hobbies they enjoy etc. a boyfriend might follow on naturally from that as you meet more people. If anyone asks you, maybe you could say you are too busy having fun to settle down with anyone at the moment. Good luck with your journey .
  • Chezzie84
    Chezzie84 Posts: 873 Member
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    Kelsey bee- firstly, you look really pretty in your photo. (Sorry if that sounds creepy- I'm a 39 yr old married lady so not trying to hit on you!). I think dating isn't one of those things you make an active decision to do. I found the harder I tried to find a boyfriend, the less luck I had. I met my husband on a night out with a friend when I wasn't "trying" at all. I don't know why your co-workers are making such a big deal out of this. Young ladies should be out having fun with friends, doing hobbies they enjoy etc. a boyfriend might follow on naturally from that as you meet more people. If anyone asks you, maybe you could say you are too busy having fun to settle down with anyone at the moment. Good luck with your journey .

    Listen to the lady, she is talking sense.
  • kdeaux1959
    kdeaux1959 Posts: 2,675 Member
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    Don't look for love; let it find you. You are not so overweight that you could not function. Yes, you do have things to work on BUT you are a person of value and you do have something to offer. When you do find the right person for your life, it will be a work of progress... one day at a time. Yes work on yourself but not so that you will be worthy of the love of another... do it for your own health and well being.

    Understand this... and I sense an implication here that I see commonly is the perception that one we lose weight everything will be magical and so much better. Realize that an insecure person who is overweight can lose weight ... but if they do not deal with the insecurity, they will just be a skinny insecure person rather than an obese insecure person. Whatever problems you have as an obese person do not go away just because you lose weight (other than risk of heart attack, cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, or stroke)... While you are working on the weight issue, work on you. Realize that you are a person of value. Realize that you do have something to offer... not just i a relationship but also in a job, etc. Work to become more confident... And that confidence, more than weight control, will attract significant others.

    I have seen skinny/healthy people who are happily married, unhappily married, unhappily single or even happily single... These same characteristics I have also observed in obese people... Relationships are based upon a lot of factors. Will weight loss help? I certainly can... but confidence in who YOU are and what you have to offer will do more to attract others than a body that is a "10" (whatever that is)...

    Finally, if you need help gaining this confidence, find somebody you can confide in... A friend, a co-worker, a pastor, a counselor... It does not so much matter... If you need help, there is no more shame in seeking help in that type area as there is to seek help in dealing with physical health issues... We all have issues we have to work through... There is no shame in that... the only shame is to suffer in silence and not seek the peace that you so richly deserve.

    God's grace to you. Best wishes on your journey.
  • TheNoLeafClover
    TheNoLeafClover Posts: 335 Member
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    I can relate. I've struggled with abysmally low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. I'm two years older than you, and like you, I have never been on a date, have never been in a relationship, and am not ready for either. I don't get as many comments about it anymore because I keep to myself, tell people I am focusing on self-improvement, or ask them to stop bringing it up. Ultimately, it's really no one else's business. You could tell them that, you could ignore them, or you could tell them the truth: you'd like to focus on improving yourself and becoming healthier.

    The questions never cease to be awkward, but people who respect you should stop asking if you tell them to. As for your low self-confidence, weight loss will not necessarily fix that, but if you remain dedicated towards self-improvement, it can get better. And like weight loss, developing self-confidence is a not a linear process. There will be many moments where it feels like you've taken one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating, it's painful, and it's one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, I can also tell you that it's been worth every grueling step. When you're ready for a relationship, I think you will know it. Good luck, OP. You are capable of so much more than you realize.
  • fheppy
    fheppy Posts: 64 Member
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    I disagree with the "love yourself before anyone else can love you" thing. I feel that sometimes, seeing how someone else loves you can give you a different perspective on yourself and make it easier to see the positive things. Also, you'll be on the other side - seeing positive things about someone else while they're probably hung up on some "flaws", which can help in how you see yourself as well. But obviously you need to do what you feel will be the best thing for yourself!

    I really understand where you're coming from. When I was younger, I just couldn't fathom being in a relationship, as much as part of me wanted to be. There are a lot of reasons for that, one of which was probably due to my weight and self-confidence. I didn't really date til I was 25. Had a couple of very short term relationships, then met my now husband when I was 27 (I'm 34 now). It wasn't until I met my husband that my confidence in myself and my own body really grew because I saw how much *he* loved it.

    I didn't really have people asking me why I wasn't dating when I was younger. I think the people in my life just accepted it as part of who I was. I think if I were in your position, I might respond with something like, "I'm young, and I want to focus on myself for a while. I'll start dating when I'm ready." Or, if you don't feel like responding like that, just turn it around and say, "I wonder why that's important to you."

    I totally agree with this post. I am the same, zero self confidence. I recently met a guy -and i am 24- who loves me for myself and i realized that never happened before. I see how much *he* loves me and now i have totally different perspective on myself. I am much more comfortable in my skin as *he* does not care about my weight.
    The good thing is someone else saw *something* in you through his own glasses, and it might be something that you never noticed on yourself and you don't know what he saw in you that makes it exciting.
    Same goes for me, I saw something about him that is positive while he is caught up about his own flaws. and probably what he thinks is positive about himself i don't even notice because i only notice *what i want* in other words what was positive for me because it was through my own glasses.

    thing is don't try to fake yourself.
  • eacatterton
    eacatterton Posts: 145 Member
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    Kelsey bee- firstly, you look really pretty in your photo. (Sorry if that sounds creepy- I'm a 39 yr old married lady so not trying to hit on you!). I think dating isn't one of those things you make an active decision to do. I found the harder I tried to find a boyfriend, the less luck I had. I met my husband on a night out with a friend when I wasn't "trying" at all. I don't know why your co-workers are making such a big deal out of this. Young ladies should be out having fun with friends, doing hobbies they enjoy etc. a boyfriend might follow on naturally from that as you meet more people. If anyone asks you, maybe you could say you are too busy having fun to settle down with anyone at the moment. Good luck with your journey .

    Listen to the lady, she is talking sense.

    I agree with this completely. When I made the decision to date again after my divorce, everyone told me to get out and meet people, make friends doing hobbies and things I liked. This is the best way to meet people with common interests.
  • KelseyBee2014
    KelseyBee2014 Posts: 188 Member
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    4 years ago I was single, fat and unhappy. I did not love myself at all. I was not looking for a relationship because I did not feel worthy of love. My self confidence like yours was zero, my self esteem ran away years ago.
    My friends and family would ask me why I didn't have anyone, my response was because I want to travel and I don't want to be tied down.
    I even went so far as to actually travel to keep up my façade.

    Then at work I met a guy called Chris. He was like this hurricane of fresh air and we became very good friends. Slowly he wriggled his way past my defences with kindness and friendship. He slowly without me realising for a long time took down my defenses brick by brick until I was completely vulnerable and so in love with him.
    Four years on, we live together =)
    Over the years I have been his "work in progress", he has taught me to love myself by loving me, being kind to me, listening to my insecurities and insanities.

    I think the point of my story is that when the right person comes along it will just happen, slowly and painless. They will see you for what you are a lovely beautiful women and they will be willing to take time to help you see it in yourself.. I was 26 when I found my Mr Right.
    Its nobody's business why your not dating whatever the reason. You are just not... End of.

    What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm basically where you were four years ago, not feeling worthy of love. You're story just gives me the push to know that when the time is right, it was happen for me and I should just not worry about it until then. It's hard when everyone else around you has been dating for years, etc. My mom actually went as far as to ask if I was gay because I was not dating or looking to at all! lol. But I think I'm just going to focus on me now, and whenever I meet The Guy, it will happen. And until then, I'm sure I'll figure out something to say to the people who keep asking. Thank you for that story once again, it sounds like a fairytale. :)
  • KelseyBee2014
    KelseyBee2014 Posts: 188 Member
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    I just want to thank everyone for all the wonderful and kind words I've received through this post. I need more people like you guys in my everyday life for sure!

    I've realized from all the words you all have said, that who cares what my nonexistent dating life is like. I might have to continue listening to these coworkers, but from all of your comments, I will definitely not start believing that's it's wrong of me to wait for when I feel the time is right or if I meet The Guy.

    Thank you all again. <3

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