I need help and I don't know where to turn anymore.

ddrhellbunny · July 2014

Alright, MFP...I know that you see a TON of these messages everyday about how "I binged" or "overate etc etc and most of the the response is "Well don't worry! it's just one day, move on and put in a little more exercise or just treat tomorrow as normal." But, what happens when treating tomorrow as normal is just another binge day? and then turns into a binge week... then a binge month.

I don't know what to do anymore! I have tried EVERY SINGLE THING I could think of but I feel like my impulses and habits are so ingrained right now I'm having a hard time talking myself out of over eating. Basically it's a if I want it I will have it attitude. It's really really upsetting. Even my own boyfriend can't sway me anymore.

Background on me:
I am 5'6, 147lbs and can bounce between nonstop go all day to sedentary for the week, it usually equals out since I work as a waitress 4-5 days a week for 5-8 hour shifts. My workouts include but not limited too, ddr, hiking, walking, roller blading, biking, swimming, and some weight training (only if I have the energy or motivation) I can be lazy.

I literally feel like at this rate I will be back to my original weight plus an extra 20 if I can't get my head into the game.

I guess I just need to talk to someone, my boyfriend doesn't even begin to comprehend what I am going through, though I am sure he knows I am over eating because he has noticed my weight gain. How do I know he knows? Well let's just say we haven't really been intimate for that reason. He has never said it out right, but I know that is the reason. (plus he's smarter than that to tell me) before people tell me to just talk to him about it, believe me I have tried but it just does not click with him and he is not good with feelings and stuff. (he usually makes me feel worse if I try to talk to him about it)

I just... don't know where to begin anymore... I read Brain over Binge about 5 times and tried to wrap my head around it and it ALL made sense and marked me to a T (except the excessive exercise), but I can't seem to practice it. Maybe I don't want this? maybe I am stress eating, maybe I am bored? or upset? I don't know, it's probably A.) all of the above. It really didn't help that I've been having vivid nightmares about my boyfriend cheating on me, or losing everything I own, or watching my family die all month.:brokenheart: It's just been awful and exhausting. Plus being in a new city has really been getting to me. I don't have anyone here, except for my boyfriend.

I really don't understand why I let all of this get to me, I am at a decent weight, maybe a little over but I am "okay" with it. I guess maybe just a little advice from people about how you dealt with the stresses of every day life? relationships, moving, new jobs etc? I really shouldn't let weight effect my life the way I have. I want to do things, I want to explore, have adventures and just BE ME but my mind has been leading me to such a dark path it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, if any one can offer in a miniscule amount of support or advice I will be eternally grateful. Maybe I just need a big hug.

Thanks to anyone who read this all the way through and sorry for my ramblings.

swertyqwerty · July 2014

For stress I like watching youtube guided meditations. I also like getting lost in a good book and watching TV - anything that will get me out of my head a little. The youtube stuff actually works. I highly recommend it.

MeMyCatsandI · July 2014

Looking at your diary, it seems that cakes and cookies are your downfall. Have you tried not keeping those in the house? There are certain things I just can't have around me or I will eat it all: ice cream, anything with frosting, Skittles, and bread. So I don't buy them.

Also, what time of day are you over-eating? Can you figure out what triggers it? Have you not eaten enough throughout the day to the point that you feel famished? Are you bored watching tv? Are you upset with someone?

Sometimes it is just mind over matter. Instead of walking to the kitchen, walk out the front door, take a shower, brush your teeth, call a friend.

Good luck! You can do this. Take control.

kstar0327 · July 2014

What I did when I finally decided enough was enough for me I cut out all junk food and since doing so I have lost 9 lbs in 2 weeks

MeMyCatsandI · July 2014

Also, it sounds like you might be a bit homesick, which basically just means sad and lonely. As you get settled into your new life, these feelings might ease up a bit. Get out and get busy. Make friends. Find activities that you like.

Kelly_May88 · July 2014

Sugar is an addiction, but it is one that can be broken - it just takes time and you need to detox like everything else addictive. Have you ever read anything by David Gillespie?

MyChocolateDiet · July 2014

(hug)...feel better so you can get to a clear headedness to understand whatever great advice people will give you in here.

grannykaren57 · July 2014

Have you considered talking to your doctor? Maybe he/she can give you something to help you chill a bit. Then once you are feeling more at ease and not so stressful, you can take a deep breath and see things a little clearer..

I know I needed help one to get through some very stressful moments in my life .. such as you are.. and my doctor gave me something just to take the edge off. No narcotics, just something to help with stress.

Or maybe seek out a professional who you can talk/vent with ... about all you are going through. Sometimes bouncing it off a stranger really can help.

I wish you the very best..

mrjones222 · July 2014

I know where you're coming from when it comes to people not understanding what you are going through when it comes to food. Binge eating doesn't have one source and it does not happen all the time. It is therefore difficult to understand why you want to eat like that and even more difficult to control it. Even as your hands carry food to your mouth over and over you're thinking "I'm not enjoying this. Why am I eating this?? I'm not hungry, it's not going to make me happy or feel better." Yet you (I) still eat it. It's hard to walk away from it.

I do two things when that happens to me: I go for a walk. It gets me out of the house, away from food, and I don't take any money with me. That way I can't buy anything when I'm gone (stupid vending machines). The other option is to eat something that will fill me up. Usually I choose a giant salad. If I'm going to overeat anyway, I may as well choose the healthier option. I also drink a couple glasses of water.

Neither options really deal with why we just keep eating... One day at a time though!

ddrhellbunny · July 2014

Yeah cookies, cakes, pastries, and ice cream are my MAJOR downfall. It's one of those foods I can just stuff down and it takes a lot of fill me up with before I feel sick. I seriously try to not bring them into the house, but I always have a weak moment and think to myself, well I am strong enough to resist eating it all, I'll just have a bit. never turns out that way, then I just throw it all out the window.

I also tend to over eat at night because that's when I usually like the bulk of my calories. This is also going to sound very weird, but my boyfriend also has a strange effect on my eating habits. He eats almost IMMEDIATELY upon waking, because he never eats after 7pm. no matter what. seriously. The worst part it he usually only clears about 1500 to 2000 sometimes even less since he has odd work hours (he's a pilot) but anyway, he usually eats right when he wakes up, I usually eat my first meal around 10-11am, sometimes later. but I find when I eat earlier I eat WAY more later. Plus I also feel guilty if I eat like a big dinner at 9 or so. (my normal eating cycle) My boyfriend always questions me. Why are you eating something so big this late at night? that's going to ruin your digestion. >.< ugh it's already ruined with my binges, whatever.

I also never feel actually hungry unless I've gone more than 6 hours without eating, then it just gets into a panic mode. but as a waitress it can be hard to get food in sometimes.

Thanks everyone for the advice so far. I seriously, truly appreciate it. I literally cried when I read I actually had some responses.
It's really helping. thanks everyone so far

TeenageMutantNinjaMike · July 2014

Message sent, take it for what it's worth. Good luck and all the best.

ddrhellbunny · July 2014

Have you considered talking to your doctor? Maybe he/she can give you something to help you chill a bit. Then once you are feeling more at ease and not so stressful, you can take a deep breath and see things a little clearer..

I know I needed help one to get through some very stressful moments in my life .. such as you are.. and my doctor gave me something just to take the edge off. No narcotics, just something to help with stress.

Or maybe seek out a professional who you can talk/vent with ... about all you are going through. Sometimes bouncing it off a stranger really can help.

I wish you the very best..

Well funny you should mention it but my father is actually my doctor haha, so it's even harder to ask for help in that area with him. I'm sure I could but it's hard to ask my father for things. And even though I can pull some strings in certain areas I still don't have health insurance so that really isn't too much of an option. Although I'm more and more open to the idea as time goes on. I literally feel like medication might be my only option at this point.

mallorytravels · July 2014

You are in a new city, likely with new people and new surroundings, which is stressful. You are in relationship lacking emotional support. I am in a situation similar to yours. I had to try lots of different approaches before I figured out a diet and a mindset that worked for me. I had to accept that I was medicating my discomfort with my surroundings and unfulfilled emotional needs with food wayyyy more than I realized. Coming to terms with that habit I'd developed was really tough. Basically you have to confront the things that you are using food to medicate and start learning new coping mechanisms. Dig deeper (and I'm just throwing out hypothetical stuff here, since I don't know you) - are you really happy with your move to a new city, or was it for someone else? Is your relationship lacking in emotional support or warmth beyond just body image? Are you out of touch with your goals/dreams? It's f*cking difficult, I'm going through it now - but I had to fail fail fail before I realized that this was the only way. I hope your path to health and balance is smooth.

sarakenna1 · July 2014

I read your profile. It sounds like you have some serious eating disorders in your past that are bubbling up. Maybe some self care will help quiet the negative voices that are driving you to eat. If seeing a doctor about it isn't an option, meditation doesn't sound like a bad idea. You can take some yoga classes, the kind where they spend several minutes guiding you through meditation at the beginning and end of class. That might feel good.

Also, if your boyfriend isn't intimate with you because you "need" to lose 10-20 lbs, then he sounds pretty lame.

ddrhellbunny · July 2014

You are in a new city, likely with new people and new surroundings, which is stressful. You are in relationship lacking emotional support. I am in a situation similar to yours. I had to try lots of different approaches before I figured out a diet and a mindset that worked for me. I had to accept that I was medicating my discomfort with my surroundings and unfulfilled emotional needs with food wayyyy more than I realized. Coming to terms with that habit I'd developed was really tough. Basically you have to confront the things that you are using food to medicate and start learning new coping mechanisms. Dig deeper (and I'm just throwing out hypothetical stuff here, since I don't know you) - are you really happy with your move to a new city, or was it for someone else? Is your relationship lacking in emotional support or warmth beyond just body image? Are you out of touch with your goals/dreams? It's f*cking difficult, I'm going through it now - but I had to fail fail fail before I realized that this was the only way. I hope your path to health and balance is smooth.

This comment really struck a cord with me. Thank you, so much.

Yes, I am stressed that I moved here. I initially didn't want to, but I moved here for my boyfriend so he could try and get as many flight hours as possible to become a captain for a commercial airline. I wanted to be supportive of him since he knows where he is going in life. I do not, unfortunately. I thought I did once, but I've come to find out I completely lost my passion for art. Just out of the blue, gone. it was awful.

But I figured, hey, I can move somewhere new, get a complete change in surroundings and try to figure things out in a new setting. my old setting was obviously not doing anything for me, but this isn't all that much better at the moment.

It's just so hard being away from everything I once knew and being here with no real emotional support. my boyfriend supports me in many wonderful ways, but in the way I feel like I need, I do not get. I understand that aspect to our relationship, but it is still hard since I can be rather sensitive on the inside. I know he wants whats best for me and I love him for that but he doesn't really motivate me anymore. I'm not saying he doesn't try, but when he does try to motivate me he makes it worse usually. (he doesn't pick his words very well sometimes) and it's bother some. trust me, I've tried to talk to him about it but it's really hard to get through to him.

I guess TL;DR is that he used to be a big motivation for me, but now he isn't and I have to find a way to motivate myself and I still haven't found it yet because I am trying to find myself.

mallorytravels · July 2014

You are in a new city, likely with new people and new surroundings, which is stressful. You are in relationship lacking emotional support. I am in a situation similar to yours. I had to try lots of different approaches before I figured out a diet and a mindset that worked for me. I had to accept that I was medicating my discomfort with my surroundings and unfulfilled emotional needs with food wayyyy more than I realized. Coming to terms with that habit I'd developed was really tough. Basically you have to confront the things that you are using food to medicate and start learning new coping mechanisms. Dig deeper (and I'm just throwing out hypothetical stuff here, since I don't know you) - are you really happy with your move to a new city, or was it for someone else? Is your relationship lacking in emotional support or warmth beyond just body image? Are you out of touch with your goals/dreams? It's f*cking difficult, I'm going through it now - but I had to fail fail fail before I realized that this was the only way. I hope your path to health and balance is smooth.

This comment really struck a cord with me. Thank you, so much.

Yes, I am stressed that I moved here. I initially didn't want to, but I moved here for my boyfriend so he could try and get as many flight hours as possible to become a captain for a commercial airline. I wanted to be supportive of him since he knows where he is going in life. I do not, unfortunately. I thought I did once, but I've come to find out I completely lost my passion for art. Just out of the blue, gone. it was awful.

But I figured, hey, I can move somewhere new, get a complete change in surroundings and try to figure things out in a new setting. my old setting was obviously not doing anything for me, but this isn't all that much better at the moment.

It's just so hard being away from everything I once knew and being here with no real emotional support. my boyfriend supports me in many wonderful ways, but in the way I feel like I need, I do not get. I understand that aspect to our relationship, but it is still hard since I can be rather sensitive on the inside. I know he wants whats best for me and I love him for that but he doesn't really motivate me anymore. I'm not saying he doesn't try, but when he does try to motivate me he makes it worse usually. (he doesn't pick his words very well sometimes) and it's bother some. trust me, I've tried to talk to him about it but it's really hard to get through to him.

I guess TL;DR is that he used to be a big motivation for me, but now he isn't and I have to find a way to motivate myself and I still haven't found it yet because I am trying to find myself.

The part where you said that you were an artist, and then your passion went away. Same here, with music... I think we are in a similar spot right now. I'll add you :-)

ddrhellbunny · July 2014

I read your profile. It sounds like you have some serious eating disorders in your past that are bubbling up. Maybe some self care will help quiet the negative voices that are driving you to eat. If seeing a doctor about it isn't an option, meditation doesn't sound like a bad idea. You can take some yoga classes, the kind where they spend several minutes guiding you through meditation at the beginning and end of class. That might feel good.

Also, if your boyfriend isn't intimate with you because you "need" to lose 10-20 lbs, then he sounds pretty lame.

you are correct, I had a really big issue with food the first time around. I literally had no idea what I was doing and I did the stupid thing of 1200 calories of less die and basically starved myself, I lost weight quickly, but I actually felt so much worse at my smallest weight ever of 120lbs.
But i figured out I was wrong, thanks to mfp and just really researched as much as I could about everything to do this properly the second time around... it's still tough and i still learn new things every day but for the first time I actually have my eyes wide open to food and I love food, so much. I love to cook and experience new flavors and I seriously try not to demoralize ANY food in any sense, but my old mind set comes back some times.

And my boyfriend isn't intimate with me not because I NEED to lose 10-20 lbs but because i literally don't feel confident enough about it. he has voiced that he is concerned about my weight gain, but has never directly told me that is the reason. so I really can't jump to conclusions, but hey... i am a girl. it happens. there are so many other factors to it so he isn't lame. I've known him for 12 years, he has been a good friend in all that time so we are really close on many other levels.

sarakenna1 · July 2014

I bet that the old mindset is popping up because you are in a stressful situation, trying to acclimate to a new city. Binging and the endorphins it creates probably provides some emotional relief/stress relief in the short term, which is why you are compelled to do it. In the long term though, its obviously having bad psychological and physical effects (e.g gaining weight. not feeling confident, etc). I suggest getting out of the house and forcing yourself to do new things so you can make new friends. Yoga is great. Maybe take a cheap class at a local community college in a subject you are interested in. If your art has hit a block (which happens to a lot of artists), then try a new medium. For example, if you were a painter, try quilting or ceramics or cooking or dancing or gardening. Your artist nature will always be inside of you, but sometimes the pressure of trying to succeed as an artist or trying to produce specific pieces or big life changes can cause creative blocks. Establishing a new creative outlet might help you get your head back into a healthy place, and then the physical health can follow.

MamaJ1974 · July 2014

Have you read any of Geneen Roth's books? Maybe if you can find out the underlying cause of your binging, you will be able to stop. You may want to try When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy.

Good luck!

Kate7294 · July 2014

Okay here's my two cents...You need to fuel your body by eating smaller meals more often. I've set mine to 5x a day. I eat breakfast by at least 10am if not before. Have a small snack 2-3 hours later and so on. I would find healthier sweets or replacements for the sweets. Your welcome to look at my diary and add me if you like.
I buy Russel Stovers Sugar Free Chocolates and will only eat 1 or 2 as night time snack. Or I'll eat a Yoplait yogurt light like strawberry short cake. We used to finish off a pan of brownies around here.Recently brought one of those cakepop makers. I can make brownies in there , and they last several days. You can even just make a few and save the batter for another night. Also the weight watchers deserts can be an option. Don't deprive yourself but learn moderation. As for the boyfriend....he probably feels your insecurity and doesn't know how to deal with it or thinks he's giving you space. Try to get out to be inspired. Look into joining a group or even a Church. Walk around the block or something.

Initiate sex. Intimacy is important in a relationship even if we don't always feel sexy ourselves sometimes we need to show them we still find them appealing. ***Most anti-depressants make us gain weight. Effexor XR didn't help me lose at all. I was on it 7 years.

AliceDark · July 2014

Oh, sweetie, you sound like you're incredibly stressed out. It also sounds like you could be suffering from depression. (I'm not trying to internet diagnose you at all, so I really hope you're not offended. I've struggled with recurring depression my whole life, and some of the things you're saying sound like I do when my depression's active, is all). Just some thoughts...

Moving has been identified as one of the most intense stressors we go through. It's up there with divorce, death of a loved one, things like that. Don't downplay how stressful moving to a new place can be -- it can knock you for a loop, and it takes time to work through that.

How recently were you restricting food? It can be common for people who used to restrict to start to binge. I just peeked at your diary, but it does look like you're actually bingeing and not just overeating, so advice like "learn moderation" probably isn't going to be helpful.

If you're intensely stressed, bingeing and maybe depressed, you need to find some outside help. Even if you can get through it yourself, you shouldn't have to. You deserve to have all the help you can get and to take advantage of any resource that has a chance of helping you. Try everything and everyone until you find what helps you.

I need help and I don't know where to turn anymore.

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