25, lives in Philly, trying to lose 50lbs!

Hi everyone,

I have never been a calorie counter, and instead have focused on food quality and eating a plant-strong diet. However, too much overeating and stress-eating, combined with getting a desk job has caused me to lose my sense of balance. My natural weight is 160 (I am 5'8" and have an athletic build)-- between high-school and college, I steadily gained 30 lbs (with a period in the middle where I was back down to 160), and after college, I steadily gained another 20-- I am now at 210. Now, I am definitely not miserable! I have a partner who thinks I am beautiful this way, and I am active and eat a joyful mostly vegetarian diet-- tons of home cooked healthy dinners with my boyfriend and tasty lunch salads with veggies and beans! But, alas-- there are also incidents where I scarf fried chicken on my lunch break, weird streaks where a eat multiple donuts a day, and some binge-eating episodes where I eat whole blocks of feta cheese or whole boxes of crackers. I feel out of control at times, telling myself I will do one thing, and doing the polar opposite.

So intuitive eating has failed me for now. I think if I get my act together, lose the extra weight and plug back into creating a habit of consuming reasonable portions at mealtimes to fuel my body-- then I can get away from calorie counting again. But until then, I need a map, a guide. Something to ground me during this time of learning and habit-forming.

This year for me is an important one. I faced a difficult few years after graduating from college, where I couldn't get a good job, didn't know what I wanted from life-- now, I am still adrift in some ways, but I have a reasonable-paying day-job, a home to share with my partner, and can finally work to pay off my credit card and student loans. By next August, I hope to have lost the weight, paid my debts, and opened my heart to new possibilities.

They say that the art of life is letting go of the things that no longer serve you. Well, overeating no long serves me. This extra weight, and the psychological limitations that come with in do not serve me. I don't believe we have to wait until we look any particular way to start living life. We are all beautiful, we all matter. But, for me, this weight symbolizes fear, it symbolizes holding on, it symbolizes stagnation. I want to keep moving, to keep experiencing life. I don't want to be bogged down by expectations, but I also do not want to be bogged down by fear. I am ready to let go, and do so in a way that is joyful and life affirming, but let go all the same-- not for punishment, not for self-hatred, but to make space in my heart for whatever comes my way.

It is a pleasure to have a place to reach out to others on similar journeys, and I hope to revisit this forum from time to time when I want to remind myself that there are other people who struggle with the same things I struggle with.

Namaste.