Eating/bingeing - great lengths to avoid overeating?

I have to be honest with myself. I love food, and I like huge quantities. The only foods I don't overeat are vegetables and lean proteins (I used to only allow these foods in the house but then I got married to a man with chlldren who are picky eaters and I now have a child and he needs carbs). .

I wake up thinking of food and go to bed thinking of it.

It cheers me up and I crave it. My day is centred around my meals.

I'm lucky in that I'm at him with my little one and recently we have been able to get up and go for a walk each morning and eat out (at a local cafe for lunch). By being out of the house and asking/ not being around unlimited quantities of food has been great. Until this week, I have had to wait in in the house for packages for my husband, people doing DIY etc etc, we have left over cereals from the weekend ( don't usually buy these as I know i binge on them).

So we get up at 6am.. by 8 am (knowing I have to wait in- I'm ready to eat, and a lot. I raided the cereals, any carb I could find).

I'm just irritated with myself, some days I can think I am a logical reasonable person, but when it comes to food, I'm hedonistic, secretive and desperate. I had wolfed down all the sugary cereal within seconds. I think I gave myself the excuse that I should allow myself just the one packet and I remembered why I don't buy this stuff for myself, I just want more despite being full.

I just can't be around food, it sounds extreme, excessive, but giving self free time or access to it I just eat, and eat.

So I'm looking forward to going for my walks each morning and taking my son out to lunch - but I can't live this way forever, and obviously I'm going to have weeks whereby I have my husbands children in the house.

I could cry. I suppose I'm writing on this page for support. I'm almost afraid of myself. I can sometimes wake up and be ready to face the world and get up and go, but if I have a "low moment" or I have low energy levels, like I said I just binge at any given opportunity. Even if it's really socially unacceptable.

I have posted before, and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I'm keen to try and find a way out. If I just rely on my strength of willpower I feel like a failure as it's not always there - in fact, if I'm honest, every day, at some point I have a moment whereby I want to binge (when I saw binge I mean 1000-10000 kcal in one sitting!). None of my family members are like me, and I binge whether I have eaten a lot or a little (i.e. there isn't a starvation induced trigger).

I'm also a bit premenstrual and tired and this is making it a lot worse, but I feel so low about this. I have to make a huge effort and seem very odd in doing so (I e I have to plan my days which infuriates my husband when it is the weekend as he has a stressful job and likes to just do his own thing at the weekend but likes me to be in). He says if it upsets me this much why do on earth do I do it, and I can't answer that. But when I have the urge to binge nothing resists it, except exercise and just not having access to food (almost impossible unless I take myself out , and have only enough money for my sons and I's lunch, so I have become "a lady that lunches!" although I will always choose a cheap option but, said but I can't live this lifestyle forever!).

I'm sorry if this a frustrating post to you who are highly motivated and in the zone- I know the "just eat less" analogy works but I find at some point every day I will convince myself it's fine to "just have this one bit, everything in moderation" and I binge and when I was younger I could just control this but now I have a family and will go back to work, food is everywhere and other people seem so muh more in control i.e., come on let's share cake...

I was ill recently, with a horrible vomiting bug and fever- I went off food, and even though I felt awful I felt liberated as I just didn't want to eat - how mad is that (I feel very guilty confessing this!).