Parents encouraging disordered eating?

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Starlightstiel
Starlightstiel Posts: 11 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi all, I'm new on the forums here but I just wanted to ask some advice.

So I am currently a college student living with my parents. I haven't always been obese--or even overweight. In high school I was a very healthy 160lbs for my 5'9" height (unfortunately at that time I didn't appreciate it, and was convinced I was fat). My entire family is slim, so when I gained about 50lbs in one year after starting college it was met with shock by my parents.

Of course, my mom told me that I could lose it easily. Apparently all I had to do was just eat about 600 calories a day and go on 2, 3 mile walks with her a day. My mom is very slender, but she does all these fad diets (cabbage soup diet, steak-only diet) and exercises 2+ hours a day.

I tried to tell her I want to do this the healthy way, but she keeps pushing me to eat less/only eat certain foods. I'm trying to follow a set amount of calories, and I allow myself to eat pretty much anything within my calorie limit, but if she catches me eating something SHE thinks is unhealthy (any kind of bread, anything sweet), she ridicules me for it and says I'm not ever going to lose weight eating that way. What is worse is that my dad encourages her.

I've lost 30+ lbs since I started dieting a couple months ago, and I did it by keeping my net calories up to about 1400-1500 and exercising. She still doesn't seem to understand that what I'm doing is working, and she keeps pushing me to lower my calories/eat only certain food groups.

I allow myself a once-every-2-week meal where I don't count my calories and let myself get what I actually want. It hasn't hindered my weight loss at ALL, but after eating one such meal she actually told me I should try and purge it. I was shocked. She said that if I only did that every once in a while when I totally binged, it wouldn't have any negative effects. So basically my mom is encouraging me to purge as long as it is just 'occasionally'.

My brother is trying to stand up for me when he visits, and tells my mom to just let me eat how I want, but I'm just worried I'm going to be negatively influenced by this. I can already feel myself starting to get some unhealthy urges, like cutting my calories even more. Logically I know this is the wrong thing to do, but having this constant pressure from parents is making it really difficult. :C

Replies

  • Veil5577
    Veil5577 Posts: 868 Member
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    If you can afford it, move out.
  • aurorareigns
    aurorareigns Posts: 167
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    Geesh, it sounds like your mom thinks eating disorder behavior is normal and may possibly have an ED herself. Encouraging someone to purge is never okay.

    If possible I would consider sitting down with her (and maybe your brother or dad or someone else supportive) and try talking to her about how what you are doing is working and that you don't want to develop unhealthy habits or an eating disorder. Maybe research some facts and show her how purging and eating too little calories can negatively affect your health.
  • mistymeadows2005
    mistymeadows2005 Posts: 3,737 Member
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    Having unfortunate influences around can be very difficult - and your mom probably thinks she knows what she's talking about, and is probably very set in her ways. You are unlikely to change the way she thinks, so I would save your energy on that front. You CAN however tell her in the nicest (yet firm enough to get through) way possible that her opinion is not of value to you, and that you would like her to please mind her own business and let you lose weight the way you know and feel is healthy. If she does not respect that request, POINT IT OUT. "Hey mom! I appreciate that you're trying to help, but you're not being very respectful!"

    Above and beyond that just try to ignore as much as you can - sounds like youre doing it the healthy way and for that, i commend you!
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
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    What a shame that your parents are doing that to you, but changing their attitudes or behavior might not be possible. I would seriously look into living somewhere else if you can.
  • CupcakeCrusoe
    CupcakeCrusoe Posts: 1,382 Member
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    I would schedule a doctor's appointment, have your mother come, tell them what you want to do and how you're doing it, and -they- can be the ones to tell your mother that her methods are ALL WRONG.

    Hopefully, coming from a professional, your mother will finally back off.
  • dcristo213
    dcristo213 Posts: 117 Member
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    I have gotten the same type of response from my family. Everyone wants to tell me what I should be doing, but do not want to listen to the reasons why I chose a low carb diet, over other options. It's a battle I have to fight almost every day. My take is " I am going to show them!" I know I will reach my goals, then they will have to shut up.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    If you can afford it, move out.

    ^ sooooo much of this.

    I think it's good that you actually know right from wrong when it comes to this stuff, OP. Don't lose sight of that.

    I think the advice about a sit down discussion w/ your mom about it sounds great but probably wouldn't do much in reality, as she's probably had disordered eating habits for decades now and won't lose sight of them anytime soon if ever.

    Some people have really odd ideas about diet and weight loss. My own mom was slim for years by eating very limited foods and taking huge amounts of laxatives all of the time. Now in her 60's she has gained weight and has some health problems that are related to her favored "easy route" of weight maintenance, which is sad, but I'm glad I never really allowed her to influence me in that area. Even to this day she refuses to believe what my husband and I tell her about our healthy diet and weight loss and is convinced that she gained 10 lb in a week from eating 1/2 cup of ice cream nightly, or that if you eat cantaloupe for breakfast "all your weight will drop off quickly".

    Hang in there. Even if you can't move out now...try to do it as soon as you can.
  • Sherbear1109
    Sherbear1109 Posts: 155 Member
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    Wow. That just sucks. If I were in your shoes, I would probably sit my mother down for a talk. Remind her you are a grown woman now and the choices you make about what to eat and how to care for your body are just that, YOURS. My other plan of action would be to get my ducks in a row and move out. It will be much harder for your mom to pick at you if she's not there to see what you're having every time you try to eat. In the mean time, hang in there. You're obviously doing just fine with your chosen method. Do your best to shut out the negativity and keep doing your thing. You can give her a big I told you so when you reach goal. :-) Best of luck to you.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,717 Member
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    I would schedule a doctor's appointment, have your mother come, tell them what you want to do and how you're doing it, and -they- can be the ones to tell your mother that her methods are ALL WRONG.

    Hopefully, coming from a professional, your mother will finally back off.

    THIS is a really good idea! If you have a primary care doctor (even better with a long-established relationship) I'd contact them, tell them what's going on, and then schedule an appt. and take your mom. After that, every time she tries to tell you something negative or wrong, remind her, "The doctor said...".

    Good luck! I'm so sorry you're being subjected to that because you sound like you are a healthy, happy person!
  • Lyndonbearsmommy
    Lyndonbearsmommy Posts: 1,083 Member
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    I would schedule a doctor's appointment, have your mother come, tell them what you want to do and how you're doing it, and -they- can be the ones to tell your mother that her methods are ALL WRONG.

    Hopefully, coming from a professional, your mother will finally back off.

    This was my thought too. Not sure if it would help, as sometimes people are set in their ways, but maybe it would get her to stop encouraging you to partake in unhealthy habits.
  • Bernadette60614
    Bernadette60614 Posts: 707 Member
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    I think most parents try to do everything they can to help their children be happy.

    My mother was overweight, took a lot of criticism for it growing up, and when I became a pre-teen, started putting me on diets. I wasn't overweight, but she watched every morsel I ate, had me to a daily weigh in in front of her, and food became a means of control and a means of rebellion. I developed bulimia and it took me until my 30s to recover.

    You sound a lot more together than I did. You know what your mother is encouraging you to do is unhealthy, but bear in mind, she's not choosing to harm you. My mother was trying to save me from being an overweight, unpopular teen as she had been...she just went about in an unhealthy way.

    Do you have a family doctor? Why not go and see him/him and have a conversation about your weight and how you are approaching weight management. Your approach (deficit/healthy eating) sounds good to me, and if your doctor agrees (and I bet he/she will), you can always reassure your mother that your doctor says you are approaching weight management in a healthy way.
  • 6ftamazon
    6ftamazon Posts: 340 Member
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    My mom and dad were the same way when I was growing up. At any given time, I was between 160 and 180 lbs, at 5'10" to 6 feet tall. I was constantly told how fat I was, constantly put on ridiculous diets to "better my health", my dad even told me I was so big I looked like a man. My mom would put me on the scale and take body measurements constantly. I genuinely believe they had my health in mind, but their way of projecting that was very wrong. They saw a high weight and didn't take in the fact that I was very tall and pretty muscular. It's hard, I don't know what else to say other than I feel where you're coming from, and I doubt they really mean to hurt you.
  • Starlightstiel
    Starlightstiel Posts: 11 Member
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    Thank you everyone for the replies. Yeah, I definitely think she means well, but it just gets really discouraging to hear that stuff day in and day out. I guess the comment she made about how I should make myself throw up after a really big meal is what really flipped the switch in my brain that was like okay, this is not right. I will definitely look into talking with her and a family doctor about it.
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
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    Thank you everyone for the replies. Yeah, I definitely think she means well, but it just gets really discouraging to hear that stuff day in and day out. I guess the comment she made about how I should make myself throw up after a really big meal is what really flipped the switch in my brain that was like okay, this is not right. I will definitely look into talking with her and a family doctor about it.

    Good. And good luck. And remember, like someone else here said, you're doing it right. Don't let anyone, even family, convince you otherwise.
  • stephgas
    stephgas Posts: 159 Member
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    Thank you everyone for the replies. Yeah, I definitely think she means well, but it just gets really discouraging to hear that stuff day in and day out. I guess the comment she made about how I should make myself throw up after a really big meal is what really flipped the switch in my brain that was like okay, this is not right. I will definitely look into talking with her and a family doctor about it.

    good luck. you know what you're doing is right. i think calling a doctor is an excellent idea. as another member said, if your family has a long standing relationship with a family doctor, call before hand and speak to a nurse or doctor (not the desk staff) about why you want to schedule an appointment. continue doing what you're doing - you know it's working! congratulations on your strength.
  • allie_00p
    allie_00p Posts: 280 Member
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    I would schedule a doctor's appointment, have your mother come, tell them what you want to do and how you're doing it, and -they- can be the ones to tell your mother that her methods are ALL WRONG.

    Hopefully, coming from a professional, your mother will finally back off.

    ^^^This sounds like a pretty good idea - you can bring in your MFP food diary and show the doc what you've been doing and eating, and the results you've had already, which is awesome. You could tell the doctor exactly what your mother has been encouraging you to do and pose it as a questions of whether you should just be following her advice. Even though the answer is obvious, maybe hearing it from a professional will help (both of you) out.

    If it persists, maybe you can look into some affordable student housing. Best of luck, I'm so sorry your own mom is encouraging this.

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