Extremely unsupportive fiance...

a2902c
a2902c Posts: 96
in Motivation and Support
I've been dieting for a while now, and I've managed to lose a little over 25lbs. I'm super happy with my progress, and have a lot more to lose. The only thing that makes it so difficult is my unsupportive fiance. He is also obese like me, and we have a history of very unhealthy eating habits. But we've both agreed to start eating better and lose weight.

Lately, I've been trying so hard to get him to eat healthier (not berating but mentioning like instead of buying hot pockets or hamburger helper, maybe there's a healthier option), and he basically tells me to get off his back - that he's doing it "his way." He has health issues, and they would be alleviated if he lost weight. But he just doesn't seem to care or listen. It's like talking to a brick wall. It's so hard to stay motivated... He also tries to get me to cheat on my diet because it's only one day. He complains that we don't go out to eat as often anymore. I just feel guilty and give in.

One thing that I really want is for the two of us to start doing outdoor activities together. I signed us up for a 5K couple months ago (after getting the OK from him). I trained and started doing strength training to prepare, and I was so excited to do it, but the week before, he said that he didn't want to anymore because he wasn't healthy enough. He promised that we will do a 5K together next year...it's always next year. I stopped working out after that.

I just feel so alone. I have no support at home. Today, I was recalculating our calories based on our current weight. I asked if he wanted me to recalculate his, and he said OK. His was lowered by 200 calories (I used http://iifym.com/tdee-calculator/). I let him know, and he said "absolutely not." He told me that 200 calories was a substantial difference, and that he would not be reducing his calories by that much. He was eating 2100 calories, and according to the calculator, his new intake should be 1925.

I don't know what to do anymore. This sucks. We are getting married in 50 days, and I would love it if we were both a little healthier for our wedding. But he just doesn't care.

Replies

  • lauractemple85
    lauractemple85 Posts: 109 Member
    First of all, congrats on your progress. 25 pounds is a great loss and it shows that you can overcome this obstacle, even without your fiancé's support.

    I know a little about how you feel, but some things are the opposite- My boyfriend of 4 years is stick thin, he does't need to watch what he eats. He drinks 3 or 4 tallboy beers a night and binges before bed. He does't nothing for exercise. I'm left alone in the journey. He has no idea how hard it can be.

    My saving grace has been my "gym buddies". I met them in various group classes at the gym, and we all have the same goal (to lose weight). We always show up for classes if we know the other will be there. This is something I'd suggest you do if you can. Surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible. I know it can be hard when you go home and your fiance wants to go out to eat, but having a support system to hold you accountable is a great tool. And don't ever feel guilty for want to become healthy! You could approach the subject by saying "You are more than welcome to order food from whatever restaurant you want, but I'm sticking to my diet plan. I'd be more than happy to eat my food with you when your food comes." or something like that :)

    As for the 5k, do it without him! It's possible he'll see how happy your are at the finish line and inspire him to work harder. It does't sound like you afraid to do things on your own. This will be what gets you to your goal.
  • martinel2099
    martinel2099 Posts: 899 Member
    I see these posts a lot, but the best advice I can give you is to lead by example. You can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.

    As for the 5Ks you need to sign up for them and commit. Just because he doesn't go doesn't mean you don't. I'm also not a fan of workout buddies for that reason. What if my buddy gets sick or decides to give up all together? Don't tie his success or lack there of to your own.

    Another point to consider is maybe you should get off of his back, (his words). He is perceiving you to be nagging and controlling, not supporting. This may be effectively turning him off to dieting at all.

    Also calorie wise, for a large man 2,100 calories is not that bad to lose weight on, that's actually my calorie target. I'm 5'8, 246 lbs (down 12lbs so far). He will eat more food than you, that'll always be the case no matter how successful you each become at losing weight. The calorie target will go down, but his will always be higher than yours.
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
    I've been dieting for a while now, and I've managed to lose a little over 25lbs. I'm super happy with my progress, and have a lot more to lose. The only thing that makes it so difficult is my unsupportive fiance. He is also obese like me, and we have a history of very unhealthy eating habits. But we've both agreed to start eating better and lose weight.

    Lately, I've been trying so hard to get him to eat healthier (not berating but mentioning like instead of buying hot pockets or hamburger helper, maybe there's a healthier option), and he basically tells me to get off his back - that he's doing it "his way." He has health issues, and they would be alleviated if he lost weight. But he just doesn't seem to care or listen. It's like talking to a brick wall. It's so hard to stay motivated... He also tries to get me to cheat on my diet because it's only one day. He complains that we don't go out to eat as often anymore. I just feel guilty and give in.

    One thing that I really want is for the two of us to start doing outdoor activities together. I signed us up for a 5K couple months ago (after getting the OK from him). I trained and started doing strength training to prepare, and I was so excited to do it, but the week before, he said that he didn't want to anymore because he wasn't healthy enough. He promised that we will do a 5K together next year...it's always next year. I stopped working out after that.

    I just feel so alone. I have no support at home. Today, I was recalculating our calories based on our current weight. I asked if he wanted me to recalculate his, and he said OK. His was lowered by 200 calories (I used http://iifym.com/tdee-calculator/). I let him know, and he said "absolutely not." He told me that 200 calories was a substantial difference, and that he would not be reducing his calories by that much. He was eating 2100 calories, and according to the calculator, his new intake should be 1925.

    I don't know what to do anymore. This sucks. We are getting married in 50 days, and I would love it if we were both a little healthier for our wedding. But he just doesn't care.

    Well, a couple threads down people are talking about loving people no matter what size they are, so I guess you could do that and leave him alone, and just do your own thing and not worry about him.

    Or realize attraction affects a relationship, and respecting your partner enough to get/stay healthy and in shape for them so you can maximize your years together is important, and that he isn't doing that for you right now, so you need to do some talking with him, or thinking by yourself about where you see your relationship going.

    Good luck regardless, and stick with it!
  • sculli123
    sculli123 Posts: 1,221 Member
    You can't force your goals or lifestyle on someone else that's not into it. Believe me I tried before for many years usuccessfully to convince other people to change their lifestyle. They will either never do it, or decide to do it on their own at some point.
  • Lemongrab13
    Lemongrab13 Posts: 206 Member
    A relationship can't and shouldn't be co-dependent. You don't need him to be healthy for you to be healthy. You're right to care, but he's a grown man and if he wants to excuse himself into an obese lifestyle turn there's nothing you can do about it.
    Use the site for support.
    Find other people with similar goals.
    But ultimately rely on yourself.
  • jeannelabanane
    jeannelabanane Posts: 38 Member
    It has to be his idea, and I recommend that you don't force it on him. I know when my husband would start eating healthy, and I wasn't, but he tried to get me to - to "support him" - it would piss me off and annoy me. We never seemed to try "eating healthy" at the same times.

    Now I let him do his thing. He mentioned he wants to lose weight - but I just answer any questions he has and leave it at that. I love him and I am attracted to him just the way he is, but it's his journey to take - just like this is mine. He's loved me at 130 pounds and at 210 pounds - and I will do the same for him.

    As far as getting "support" from him - it doesn't sound like he's not supporting you, just that he's not joining you. He can support you without doing the same things. As far as eating out, etc. - you can still do those things - just make different choices. As far as food in the house goes - I buy food that fits with my goals, and my hubby buys food he likes. I'm working on my self-control and portion sizes - so I won't blame him if I go overboard.

    Maybe he'll see your success and decide to join you then - but if he doesn't, he doesn't. It's his choice to make.

    Just using my situation as an example - not sure if that made sense - I'm a bit tired today.

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