Irrational worry - can anyone relate? (sorry, kind of long)

ralevin · January 2011

Okay, so assuming MFP will be successful (not "if", "when" it's successful), this will be my 4th time losing a significant amount of weight. The difference, hopefully, is that this time, I won't gain it all back.

But here's a fear I've had, which I think might be psychologically holding me back. Yes, I know it's psychological, and I shouldn't use it as a crutch/excuse to fall off the wagon, but I think it's contributed to my inability to lose ALL the weight. Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone who has met (or is very close to) their goal weight relate to this?

Here goes:
I've always been the big guy. My friends tend to be healthy/skinny, and I've never had a group of friends where anyone was bigger than I am. I'm the big guy. It's just who I am. To me, part of being the big guy has been being the jolly, funny guy who makes everyone laugh, often by making fun of myself and how big I am, or the fact that I could (and often did) put away an entire large Domino's pizza on my own in one sitting (didn't help that I worked there in college and the manager let us take home a pizza at the end of our 12 hour weekend shifts - at 4:00 AM), or making fun of the fact that I always need an aisle seat no matter where I am because I'm claustrophobic (which, deep down, I believe I'm not, just that I'm uncomfortable having people on either side of me, and like knowing that I can hang half of an *kitten* cheek off the edge of an aisle seat without anyone really noticing).

I KNOW that it's my sense of humor and overall personality that my friends like about me, but in my mind, I THINK that it's because I'm big, and happen to also have a sense of humor and good personality to go along with my size.

In my mind, I fear that when I'm at my healthy weight, it won't just be my appearance and health that change. I fear that I will lose some of that jolliness, or people will assume that I've lost some of that jolliness. I also believe (misguided as it may be), that when I meet new people, they see me as less of a threat because your stereotypical jerks of the world look like frat boys, not smiley, big guys.

Like I said, I know it's irrational, but I truly believe that it's holding me back. Can anyone else relate? Any ideas how to push past it?

Thanks for reading, and more importantly, for showing me in only a couple of short weeks, that MFP is a site where I can feel comfortable sharing these feelings (not something I would typically do) without fear of ridicule.

Healthyby30 · January 2011

I honestly feel this way sometimes. I've known a few people who, when they lost weight are perceived differently. I don't know if they're attitude changes and they actually are now cocky and arrogant or if people just THINK they are because they are more confident and maybe a bit jealous? It's a fear of mine that my family and close friends will see me differently somehow and end up losing those relationships, or at least the relationships changing.

I also think that humans in general, like being comfortable. We don't like doing things that make us uncomfortable. You've been comfortable, at least to some extent, being the "big guy" and your friends are comfortable with that also. So, it might be uncomfortable for you to adjust to the smaller you, and your friends will have to adapt to that as well. But the way I see it, and I'm sure your friends do too..if they are good friends, and actually KNOW the real you. They will stick with you through your journey and be happy for you and it should be a smooth transition from the "big funny guy" to the "hot funny guy"!! You will still be you, you'll just be a happier, healthier, more confident you! Just don't let go to your head

By the way, I don't think it's irrational at all. This journey, to me at least, is a very emotional and stressful thing. To me, its much more psychological than physical and you are doing AWESOME!!!

tiffsNEWlife · January 2011

Well, I personally can't relate, but I have an uncle who was the same way. He was the big guy. He was the funny jolly guy and when he went through his divorce he decided to lose weight. He thought the same way, "are people still going to like me if I'm not the big guy" After several months of going back and forth he decided, that his health and well being was more important. So he started working out and losing the weight. All of his friends incouraged it to the point he became the "fit guy". It changed him from the big guy to the fit guy. You don't lose your "loveableness" just because you lost weight. Your friends should incourage you!! Just keep thinking, I'm the same person inside just a smaller version of it!

JulieBoBoo · January 2011

Changing how we look can often have repercussions on changing how we feel about and identify ourselves. I don't see myself as the jolly fat person but rather the maternal caregiver always there with fresh cookies and sweet tea. One of the most difficult things for me to overcome mentally (based on past experiences as I'm nowhere near there this time around) is when men start to notice me. I find any kind of sexual interest, even the most innocent "wow you look hot!" from a man other than my husband very difficult to incorporate with my self image because I've been the big girl all my life and never had men notice before.

I'm less worried about it this time, perhaps because I'm older and I figure that itself will temper how much attention I get from the opposite sex, perhaps because I've had a big health scare and have finally come to realize that I can still be the nurturer but the one who nurtures good habits and a healthy lifestyle instead.

Take is slow. Take it day by day. If you find yourself self-sabotaging look into counseling. There are so many ways that this journey will change your life. It's to be expected that not all of them will be physical.

Good luck.

rdtul · January 2011

Don't worry about the happy big fella going away, the only difference will be in the way you carry yourself. It's not like you're a kid that's got image issues, you already established who you are. New people will see a positive personality quickly, and once you get your goal weight, they won't see the chubby guy anymore. Your confidence will go up, your friends will see your determination and new people will see a happy, confidant individual.
Relax, work hard toward your goal and take time regularly on your own to remember who you are and what's important.

Kath712 · January 2011

My situation is different, but I can relate to the fear. Maybe as you work on the physical, you can work on the psychological? Visualize not only what your body will look like, but how you will act/interact with others. I don't see any reason why a healthy person can't also be the jolly person. Jolly does not equal fat. If you feel the need to crack jokes at your own expense, start cracking them about things that you have no control over, like height, skin color, hair, etc. The more you do it (taking your weight/size out of the focus), the easier it will get.

Good luck!

doramouse · January 2011

I think most people have psychological issues about weight loss. It is NORMAL - what impresses me here is that you know what yours IS. Most people don't! So congrats on that

Now that you know - you can hopefully, realize it's something to work on but don't let it PREVENT you from succeeding!. And know that your real friends will always love you and support you. The people on the side- if they stay, great, it not - no big loss.

go80k80 · January 2011

I can relate, because it is so easy to hide behind the weight and joke about it. For me I want people to laugh with me, but not at me. So I am trying to work on new jokes for when I've re-gained control of my weight

At the rate its going, it seems I will have plenty of time!

Good luck to you!

LanakilaGirl · January 2011

I can't really relate to the "being big" side of things because I've never really been "big", but I can tell you what it's like on the other side watching the self destruction path of those that I love.

It breaks my heart to see those that I love SO much slowly killing themselves off. Some are funny and use their weight to make people laugh and some are withdrawn and very shy about it. Either way, I don't believe any of them are truly happy and that's all I want for them.

Your friends don't want to see you unhealthy. They don't want to have to worry about you all the time. I guarantee that the healthier you get, the happier you'll be and you'll be a much better friend.

As far as being approachable, that's all about the happiness you put off, not how you look. Just because your body looks different it doesn't mean that your smile has to change. You keep on smiling and being that happy, friendly guy that you are and you'll be amazed at the amount of people that will be drawn to you.

You should be proud of yourself, opening up about insecurities is really hard to do.

DancingDreamer · January 2011

you sound a LOT like my ex BF (we're still friends, its a long story that i wont go in to) but let me tell you as a person who has had many "jolly big men" as her friends, when they start getting less big and become just "jolly guys" there's no change in how i feel about them (except maybe a new great respect and pride for them trying and succeeding in losing weight)

as for your fear of people not liking you because a jock/frat boy look, that first impression quickly goes away if someone who looks like that doesnt have a personality like that. i also have friends that when i first saw i thought "oh great another jock" who QUICKLY had me singing another tune because they're GREAT guys and that shines through pretty dang quickly.

and you are SO not alone in being "the funny fat friend" men, women, girls, and boys all over are known as just that. the one who has "a great personality" and i gotta say (as one of those people) its a downer to be that person. as that person you dont let it show that its a downer (sometimes even to yourself) but it is. so i TOTALLY understand where feeling like this can come from. the self esteem that you can be "the funny friend" seperate from also being "the fat friend" just isnt there.

BUT! the way to get yourself over this is to keep telling yourself over and over again that your friends like YOU not your size. that they like you because you're funny and you will find ways to be funny without using your weight as a topic because....you're funny! and i realize that irrational fears are SO HARD to get over (i have a fear of driving...for no reason...that is proving SO HARD to get over) mainly because they ARE irrational so its not like we can use logic to make them go away, logic has no power over them. but if you just keep on saying it over and over and over again that you CAN do this and you will STILL be the funny guy and have all your friends just maybe you can make the irrational fear shut the hell up.

good luck and i know you can do this! all the people here on MFP are here for you.

Dafrog · January 2011

so many times i have started a diet and gave up before i got where i needed to be. this time i am not dieting i am focusing on a lifestyle change. most days i do eat healthly, although on occasion i do allow myself something unhealthy in moderation. ppl get bored w diets and that is why we fail at them. try to pin point your triggers for over endulging and dont keep bad choices in your home. good luck on this journey add me if you want.

lulu_beans · January 2011

I can not personally relate, but I think my fiancee is going through the same thing. He is 6'4", and around 500 pounds, and he is "the big guy." I think he worries that losing weight will affect his sense of humor, and that his friends will enjoy being around him less. The truth is, his friends worry about his health, just as much as I do...and well, your sense of humor is part of your personality. Being "the big guy" may have helped shape who you are, but losing weight will not change who you are!

jbars11 · January 2011

I completely know what you're talking about. I believe it has held me back in previous attempts to lose weight, I'm almost afraid that I'll be losing a part of who I am when I lose the weight...it's terrifying making a life change, but I know that it'll be so worth it in the end. Losing the weight and keeping it off is only going to bring positive changes....but change is scary.

littlelioness · January 2011

I've known quite a few people who have been in your situation. Sometimes people do relate to them differently, but rarely negatively!! Your funny personality won't go away!!

I used to work at a clothing store, the Buckle, and it was always so neat to have someone pull out his ID (we had to check them if they used a credit card) and tell me, yeah that was when I weighed X lbs heavier. I always thought that they were cool for getting in shape and all...I didn't think they were creepy guys!!

On the other hand though, yeah some people will treat you differently. I guess the word I'm looking for is more superficial. I've found that since I've lost weight, some people seem to be more open to being friendly, or think I'm a lot cooler. Maybe it's just me over thinking it though. Regardless, do what you need to for you!! My take on it is, if your friends don't want to be your friends anymore just because your physical appearance changes, I wouldn't want them as friends anyway!

cclala · January 2011

Okay, so assuming MFP will be successful (not "if", "when" it's successful), this will be my 4th time losing a significant amount of weight. The difference, hopefully, is that this time, I won't gain it all back.

But here's a fear I've had, which I think might be psychologically holding me back. Yes, I know it's psychological, and I shouldn't use it as a crutch/excuse to fall off the wagon, but I think it's contributed to my inability to lose ALL the weight. Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone who has met (or is very close to) their goal weight relate to this?

Here goes:
I've always been the big guy. My friends tend to be healthy/skinny, and I've never had a group of friends where anyone was bigger than I am. I'm the big guy. It's just who I am. To me, part of being the big guy has been being the jolly, funny guy who makes everyone laugh, often by making fun of myself and how big I am, or the fact that I could (and often did) put away an entire large Domino's pizza on my own in one sitting (didn't help that I worked there in college and the manager let us take home a pizza at the end of our 12 hour weekend shifts - at 4:00 AM), or making fun of the fact that I always need an aisle seat no matter where I am because I'm claustrophobic (which, deep down, I believe I'm not, just that I'm uncomfortable having people on either side of me, and like knowing that I can hang half of an *kitten* cheek off the edge of an aisle seat without anyone really noticing).

I KNOW that it's my sense of humor and overall personality that my friends like about me, but in my mind, I THINK that it's because I'm big, and happen to also have a sense of humor and good personality to go along with my size.

In my mind, I fear that when I'm at my healthy weight, it won't just be my appearance and health that change. I fear that I will lose some of that jolliness, or people will assume that I've lost some of that jolliness. I also believe (misguided as it may be), that when I meet new people, they see me as less of a threat because your stereotypical jerks of the world look like frat boys, not smiley, big guys.

Like I said, I know it's irrational, but I truly believe that it's holding me back. Can anyone else relate? Any ideas how to push past it?

Thanks for reading, and more importantly, for showing me in only a couple of short weeks, that MFP is a site where I can feel comfortable sharing these feelings (not something I would typically do) without fear of ridicule.

Think of it this way---anyone who chooses to make a snap judgment about you based on weight loss, or who doesn't wholly support your efforts and applaud you for trying, has shown you a vital component of themselves. They have shown you that they don't really have your back.

Anyone who loved you for being the big jolly guy will love you for being the fit, quick-witted guy. Those are the people you can trust, and with whom you should surround yourself. Anyone else is a self-serving nitwit, and you're actually quite lucky because you have a built-in system for dismissing them ASAP!

Love yourself enough to take that risk. You sound like a great person, and you deserve to put yourself and your health first.

PS--I'm probably the kind of chick you'd assume goes for frat guys---but my boyfriend is the big smiley type. His weight has fluctuated a bunch, and I love him just the same. Don't be afraid:-)

mltdown · January 2011

I can totally relate because I have been feeling the same way lately! But you know what I've lost a little over 100 pounds and I feel the same way I always have and I'm a big joker haha I actually feel like people think I'm funny know because I want to be not because I want them to like me just for being an idiot because I didn't really have anything else to offer when I was overweight besides humor, now I can go have fun with them at the bar and dance my *kitten* off and have a great time and not feel like the elephant in the room! I think you will live who you are after you love yourself getting healthy is so emotional and it takes a long time to start feeling normal!! But good luck to you on your journey and I wouldn't worry about changing because I think being overweight makes you have a great personality because you just have to and after you are healthy you won't only be hot you'll be a great person

MassiveDelta · January 2011

I can definitely relate... I'm that same guy. My wife and friends compared me to Kevin James. The funny guy in me was terrified that I wouldn't be who I was any more. My only hope was the following...If your a funny guy are you funny because your fat or are you funny because your quick witted? The one thing for sure is that once you get skinny the fat jokes aren't funny anymore. So you lose a lot of material.

Honestly I haven't been skinny long enough to realize the outcome of this yet. I sure hope Im still funny and not some skinny jerk who thinks he is funny.

Im very social and love connecting with people and being thinner has only encouraged that. I feel you man and I can only say you are who you are. You are going to change but who you are is only going to get more confident and outgoing. Which is a bonus!

ralevin · January 2011

The one thing for sure is that once you get skinny the fat jokes aren't funny anymore. So you lose a lot of material.

Honestly I haven't been skinny long enough to realize the outcome of this yet. I sure hope Im still funny and not some skinny jerk who thinks he is funny.

Im very social and love connecting with people and being thinner has only encouraged that. I feel you man and I can only say you are who you are. You are going to change but who you are is only going to get more confident and outgoing. Which is a bonus!

You REALLY hit the nail on the head here. I am not typically a very social person. When my wife and I moved to our new community, it took a good year for me to really open up to my new friends (we're orthodox jews, so we're VERY community oriented - a lot of "old fashioned" socializing - long meals where you just talk).
Part of me thinks that I'm not social because i'm not confident in my appearance (sure, not that simple, but I hope you get the picture), and when I lose the weight, I will become more confident, etc etc.
The other part of me thinks that the fat jokes really are the bulk of my material, and when I lose that, the confidence will go down, because I'll worry that I'm not as funny as I used to be.

As I write this, it seems very junior high-ish to me. Believe me, it's deeper than "am I funny enough."

Thank you all for all of the incredibly encouraging responses!

wolfchild59 · January 2011

You know, while I can't relate for myself, my hubby feels exactly the same way. I actually had given him a hard time about it but it's really interesting to see others feeling the same way. For me I always felt that being self-conscious of my weight was holding me back from being able to be truly comfortable while with friends. For him it almost seems like it's what made him who he is. I always tell him that everyone will like him just the same as before, that his weight wasn't actually him or his personality, but I'm feeling like I should engage him more about it to see where his head really sits with it. Partially because I've noticed that the more people tell him they can see he's losing weight, the more he'll sabotage his progress and now I wonder if it's connected.

lotusfromthemud · January 2011

Weight loss will change you. Here's a thing I wrote a while ago, pay special attention to number 5 if you read it.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/viviakay/view/five-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-five-years-ago-about-weight-loss-9741

I found there were certain friends who attached me to my size. They were jealous/sabatoge-y during the process, and I had to break up with them.:flowerforyou:

dendra7 · January 2011

I can totally relate to being the fat, funny one. I suppose that's why I like Will Ferrell, John Candy, and the like.... I'm at my halfway point right now thanks to lots and lots and lots of work and this site's help.

I still have a sense of humor (at least I think I'm funny and jolly)...But more importantly, my inner happiness matches my outside jolly. Just last summer I was hanging out with my grlz and they were laughing at whatever I was saying at the time but deep down inside- I wasn't laughing. I was pretty sad. Not saying I'm jolly ALL the time now but it sure feels a lot better to laugh on the inside as well as the outside. From my experience, when I take good care of myself- it is easier to spread that joy to others...you can't help it!!

The other thing in your post that caught my eye was what you said about 'intimidating' people. Strangely, I felt the same way. Like- I didn't want anyone to notice me or feel intimidated by me. But, that's changing too... Being sure of yourself and who you are can make you even more approachable because you are comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to hide behind self-depricating jokes. And that, my friend, is a GREAT trade-off. To just be okay with you....and as such, okay with other people too.

JakeNonne · January 2011

Bump.

Irrational worry - can anyone relate? (sorry, kind of long)

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