Losing Weight With Your Other Half

sherambler · August 2014

Hi, everyone!

My boyfriend and I are trying to lose weight together and I'm a little nervous about it. We've been together almost 9 years so it has nothing to do with him knowing my weight (he does) or talking about weight issues (we talk about them all the time) or any of the things you might normally think. We've tried losing weight together before but inevitably one of us goes through one of those "I give up" moments and the other one quickly follows suit because we see it as an opportunity to give up semi-guilt-free. If the other one could just stick with it for a few days and get the other back on track, it would be so much better. The quitter (for lack of a better term) is usuall re-motivated in a day or so, but then the other one is off track now...and so on and so on. I want us to continue sticking with it. We both really want this for all the same reasons. We're looking towards the next chapter of our lives together...getting married, having kids...and we don't want to have the fat, unhealthy homes like the ones we grew up in.

We've been doing a few things different this time, like actually recording our weigh ins on a white board, etc. Relying on working out together isn't really an option given our schedules. BTW, I know that my journey is my journey and his journey is his journey. I know we won't eat exactly the same foods or lose the same weight every week.

Has anyone had any success losing weight as a couple?

blueboxgeek · August 2014

Yes, we have (see below!!, still have a way to go)

It can be difficult as like you say, if you are having a tough day and get home and your other half says "sod it, lets get a pizza" it can make you give in and fall off your plan.

However, there have been so many times that one of us has been weak and the other has said "come on babe you are doing so well, you can do this" and have spurred each other on. It's great seeing the change in each other and we even have friendly challenges (never who can lose the weight fastest..... that is always him!!)

Just keep going and both keep trying and you will get there eventually xx

rh091 · August 2014

My boyfriend of 2 years and I also have an open relationship and communication about our weight, and we have both talked about wanting to lose some weight and having a healthier lifestyle. We talk about it and try to make plans to do certain things but haven't been successful, I find that we both feed in to each other having a junkier dinner or going out to eat. Something I find tough is that he is almost a foot taller than me so naturally he needs more food, so when we make dinner together, I have a hard time remembering that my portion sizes should be smaller than his - this is something I would keep in mind. He is currently abroad traveling and I have been taking the opportunity to focus on myself and my weight goals and have found that, although I am just a week into getting back on track, I have been more successful. When he comes back I plan on having a healthy lifestyle already established so I can help him and make sure I stay on track. I know this is not your case, but perhaps what you could take from it is that instead of making your weight loss so synonomous with your boyfriend's, take a step back and take the time to yourself outside of the relationship to work on your goals, and maybe just go back to track progress and accomplishments with him? That would be my advice based on my experience. Good luck

maroonmango211 · August 2014

My partner and I are in it together this time (last time it was just myself before getting pregnant again). Out of the two of us I am by far the more stubborn and strong willed but I completely understand that feeling of less-guilt when feeling like giving up if he does first.

So far we've handled bad days quite well though once in a while I have to remind him that I barely have enough will power to keep on track myself, I can't hold both of us up, we've agreed completely that its not our job to force each other to workout or eat/not eat specific things. It can be hard though getting through those couple days feeling like you are on your own.

Take it instead as an excuse to be extra motivated for yourself, your reasons, your health. That in itself will probably be enough to get the other one back on track. In the end you can't expect another person to get you to make healthy decisions and you can't blame another person when you make unhealthy ones but you can try and set a good example for each other each step of the way.

echofm1 · August 2014

I just moved in with my boyfriend. He was long distance for the last 5 years, and we've only been living together a month, but I hear you on the de-railing each other bit. He eats out a lot more than me and when he gets a craving, he's relentless. Even with counting, he eats differently than I do so he can usually fit one just awful meal a day, like half a pizza or three chili dogs. Then in the evening he'll want a snack and I won't have any calories, but at that point it's a lot easier to just give in and go over. My will power has definitely been struggling since we moved in together, but he's trying to be better.

I don't have any helpful advice at this point, but I've got at least one suggestion to try. Make a deal with him that even if one of you falls off track, when it comes to shared meals make an effort to support the other person. If one of you is craving something awful, go out and get it for lunch or when you're meeting up with friends. Don't offer junk food when you know they have no calories left. Basically, it's about being supportive of each other's goals until you get yourself back on track. It's not a perfect solution, but it can at least help stop the cycle.

lillyrose2020 · August 2014

You are really fortunate to have a partner by your side going through this with you and the fact you are working towards a healthier future together is really good. I thought I would just share my own experiences with you...

In the past when I have tried to lose weight without the support of an ex partner it was really hard, we'd have to make seperate meals as he wasn't interested in eating healthier and was lucky that he could eat what he wanted without gaining weight. So there I would be eating my salad or whatever low fat meal it was and he would be tucking into junk food, and he was forever pushing me to give in to it and 'have a treat' - it was a nightmare! Looking back I think he was threatened by the thought of me losing weight, lucky escape!

I compare this to my current situation, where my curreny boyfriend and I are both in the same place, we both want to lose weight and get healthy for the same reasons. At the start of our relationship a year ago we would pig out on take-away pizza and snack on sweets and chocolate, it came as no surprise when the pounds packed on! We moved into together 6 months and that has made it better for our eating habits, we always go food shopping together and plan our meals for the week. We also joined a gym recently which is only a 5 minute walk from our house so we work-out together 4-5 times a week. I know a lot of people aren't that fortunate to have a gym so nearby and aligning schedules! We both have moments where we want to cave in and eat junk food, or collapse on the sofa after a long day at work instead of getting up and going to work out, but we try to keep encouraging each other and highlight the weight we have lost so far and how well we are doing. We are only a month into our new exercise/diet but the gym has now become part of our routine once something is part of your routine it is more difficult to make excuses not to do it.

I know you said you don't always have the same schedules to work out together but is there any time that you could put aside each week together to exercise, even if it just going for a long walk on the weekends or something like that? It is so much easiter to stay on track when you have a decent partner by your side. It is also important not to be competitive, I have read about couples competing and being jealous of each others weight loss, but generally men seem to lose weight faster and we are all different so must try to support and encourage instead of compare and resent.

Also agree with previous comments that you must do this for you! It is important not to bear the burden of another persons weight loss, as we know too well the burden of our own is hard enough!

ElvenToad · August 2014

When my husband and I met we ate very badly.. lots of unhealthy foods and lots of sugary sodas. He gained almost 100lbs and I was already obese and just gained more and more. After a few years, we tried eating better and he lost 60lbs and I just yo yo dieted. More time went by and I got so huge and miserable that I was debating actually paying for weight watchers when I found mfp! That is when I learned about calories in vs out, started logging, and losing weight. That was in late February, and I have a huge goal of losing 138lbs to be at a healthy weight for me. That being said, I knew it would be a long road and probably take around 2 years. That really puts things in perspective for me because I know its a lifestyle change and I can't just go back to eating the way I used to if I want to lose the weight and keep it off.

I do all the grocery shopping and I do all the cooking so I don't buy junk food at all and if hubby's hungry he will have to either eat what I cook him or cook something himself. After awhile he saw how much I was losing and started eating the same stuff I was eating. 9 times out of 10 he will grab the stuff I cook him to eat and now he's really into watching his calories and his pounds are flying off so it just kind of happened by default I guess you would say.

If we want fast food we usually get Subway and he gets a sandwich and I'll get a huge salad and we will each get one cookie, and I am perfectly happy with that. I don't police what he eats at all, at work sometimes he will have a slice of pizza when people order it and I actually encourage him to not restrict too much and have a slice or two. If he really wants that doughnut then eat it. I've taught him a lot of things about nutrition that I have learned in the past 5 months and he has dropped over 25lbs which is amazing! He still wants to lose another 25lbs to make it to his goal weight and I know he will do it! However if he were to just start eating a bunch of crap again and not care about losing that's fine too. I can't control what he does, I can only control myself. He doesn't workout at all, he just eats less and makes healthier choices. I try to workout at least 5 days a week and if I relied on him to workout with me it would never happen lol. We do encourage each other and every morning we usually share our weigh in results and I think he is a bit competitive which is probably good for his motivation too.

Just because one of you falls off the wagon doesn't mean you both have to fall off. I am 100% committed and don't worry about what he is eating around me. I have my foods that I enjoy and he has his. That's just the way it is. I have goals I want to reach and no one or anything is going to stop me from reaching them

JenniferIsLosingIt · August 2014

My Hubby has lost 25 I have lost 59. I do not monitor everything he does just like he doesn't monitor me. We offer each other support and encouragement but thats it. Its working. I let him do his thing I do mine, if he decides to join me walking or whatever thats great, if he doesnt thats fine too. I just always make sure to praise him whenhe does.

sherambler · August 2014

At the start of our relationship a year ago we would pig out on take-away pizza and snack on sweets and chocolate, it came as no surprise when the pounds packed on!

This happened to me as well. I've gained 70lbs immediately after meeting him. And then another 60lbs since. When we first got together, I wouldn't eat in front of him. I avoided eating in front of anyone if I could help it, but as we got closer I let my guard down and we both began just bingeing. We were nesting, I guess. Eating out a lot, watching movies with big bags of popcorn and candy, making Alfredo at midnight. It was also freshman year of college so there was the whole freshman fifteen anyway. I think that is one of the things that has been hardest for us to overcome. I am in treatment for binge eating now, but the bingeing is such an engrained part of our relationship. It's been been difficult for us

As far as the working out together...I should say that it's mostly my schedule and his attitude that keeps us from working out together. By the time we're spending time together (which is pretty limited with work, school, the board I'm on, and 5k training), I've already worked out because I hit the gym on my way home from work--a lot of which involves swimming. He can't swim. I've offered to teach him but it's a moot point. When we could possibly find some time to work out, I get a little frustrated and resentful because I've already worked out for an hour or so, and now I have to work out even more and put some of my tasks aside (homework, board prep) to work out with him. I try not to let this show and remind myself that an extra 30 mins of activity is an extra burn for the day. How much homework would I actually accomplish in 30mins anyway.

He works manual labor 6 days a week and he sort of refuses to do anything on Sunday. In the evenings after work he's just so exhausted and I don't blame him. I've tried to convince him to still try and work out, but I can't get him to budge and don't want to be a nag. I've tried to get him up in the AM to go for a walk but he refuses. I try reminding him of how good he feels after but it doesn't help. It's a bummer because I feel like I make positive exceptions for him that I'd rather not do (ie the extra workout), but I don't feel it reciprocated. It's only reciprocated in negative ways (ie I cave in and want to order pizza and he quickly agrees).

So I also get what another person said about not carrying the burden of another person's weight loss on your shoulders. I do this a lot and I shouldn't. It's hard though because I really care about him and I want what's best for him and somehow I've equated caring about him to worrying about his input and output, which only serves to distract me from my goals. He's one of those stone-faced, "I don't talk about my emotions", monotone kind of people. So sometimes it feels like he's not taking weight loss seriously or being mindful all the time because he doesn't verbalize it or show emotion, even though I know he is taking it seriously.

Also, he's really uneducated when it comes to healthy living and eating. I know what to do and how to do it, but struggle with follow through. Whereas he's someone who is completely clueless about weight loss and healthy eating. So I find him leaning on me more than I lean on him.

We're supposed to go to see my therapist together this week to put a plan together that we can execute together.

hoyalawya2003 · August 2014

Yep, I have lost 60 lbs and my husband has lost 80 lbs. Neither of us is at goal yet (15 more for me, 20 for him), but I do think we have finally made a lifestyle change. We tried and failed several times before, but joining a gym and working out has helped a lot to get us through the rough parts. It is nice to have someone to discuss calories and fitness goals with. Set mini-goals, keep each other accountable when having trouble, be supportive.

SunofaBeach14 · August 2014

Yes. It's a combination of encouraging each other and also knowing when to leave well enough alone. We lift together on the weekends but mostly separately during the work week. She bikes more and I run more. It's a mix. Keep at it and you'll find your pace. Just remember that you don't have to do absolutely everything together, and you're responsible for yourself. Your partner can only help not completely shoulder the burden.

seltzermint555 · August 2014

To me it kind of sounds like the black/white "on or off the wagon" approach is not working out for you two. How about just changing your whole style of grocery shopping and cooking? Gradual, small changes incorporated...of course these examples might be things you have already done...but some of them I can think of would be switching from canned veg to fresh & frozen, cutting out things that are less healthy that neither of you just LOVE to eat (for us that was crackers, chips, pretzels)...little changes.

I think it's awesome that you're both on the same page, and want to improve your lifestyle & health for the long term!

My husband actually didn't have much weight to lose, and he already cooked & ate very healthy & was a good influence on me. So back when I joined MFP he didn't. However, after taking care of his terminally ill mother at the end of her life, he felt kind of blah and like he needed to lose a few pounds as well so he joined in December and we have actually had fun with being on here together...he's lost over 20 lb himself...plus, we can copy each others' diaries & recipes when we eat a shared meal, even if we eat different portion sizes and add different sides or condiments.

For us one of the biggest things is just being in a good routine. We take turns making healthy light breakfasts and always have that time together in the morning. It helps avoid some of the old "traps" I used to get into when I was with my ex husband (several years back when I was 130 lb heavier), like rushing out the door and then stopping at Starbucks or picking up a fast food breakfast burrito. I'd never do that now because I love that time every morning with my husband sharing coffee and egg tacos, Greek yogurt with fruit & oats, etc.

Another thing we do is make Saturday our "fun day", we don't consider it a cheat meal/day but we ALWAYS get a ton of extra exercise on Saturdays when we spend the day together...anything from sight-seeing and errands, to a long bike ride or hike. Then we look forward to sharing lunch out at a favorite restaurant, and after a light dinner we also treat ourselves to ice cream. Knowing we have that to look forward to makes it much easier to avoid weeknight dinners out or desserts that are high calorie. Neither of us works out in a gym but we try to fit in exercise even if it's just a 30-45 minute brisk walk to the store & back.

FattyFatsoMcTubby · August 2014

It will be one year tomorrow since my wife and I decided to change our lifestyle. I can't begin to express how much this has helped us both. In the past, one of us was focused on some silly diet or another, while the other stuck to bad eating habits. Eventually, the dieter would be tempted to stop or would reach a goal and eventually return to the bad eating habits. Today, we take things one day at a time. We plan every meal and calorie burn session. We plan together, we eat together, and we burn calories together. If one has to work, the other goes it alone. It's been an amazing year for both of us.

mthr2 · August 2014

I've lost about 45; my husb has lost about 90...

Our individual successes have been largely attributed to doing this together. One is usually a little more motivated than the other and it keeps us on track.

Biggest piece of advice I can give to couples or individuals: Lose the "derail" mentality. A crappy meal, day, weekend, vacation, whatever....does not mean you screwed up or it's over.

Let the more motivated person lead. Always. Less motivated person, just limp along until you feel it.

GothyFaery · August 2014

My hubby and I have lost 97 pounds together. My profile pic is our progress photo. I think it was easier having him lose weight with me. I knew if I stopped, he would too. He wanted to lose weight to help his back and knee. Before losing weight he was talking about having surgery which scared me so I pushed for him to try to lose 10 pounds and see if it made him feel better. So knowing he would surely have back surgery if he didn't lose weight, I made sure to stay on track for him. It was good motivation for me. And if he slipped for a few days, I was stricter on myself and it seemed to help him get back to it.

You guys just have to keep pushing eachother. It's easy to slip when it's just you but if you stay on track for someone you love, it's differant. And again, it's so much easier if you both are going through it all together. You don't have to worry about someone keeping tempting foods in the house or making two differnt dinners or anything like that. And you know you're both going through the same struggles together. Good luck to both of you!

cebreisch · August 2014

Yes, although my husband hasn't had the same sort of journey that I've had. I've had issues with weight all my life. He got up towards 200 pounds after we got married.

At one point, he lost 60 pounds with seemingly no effort, and came to find out he was diabetic. Even still, he had about 30-50 pounds he wanted to lose.

It wasn't until I had been "on course" for about 5-6 months that he actually started to want to do something. He started doing things on the Wii Fit. Then he got P90X, and did Insanity. He got down to about 125 pounds. He's since put back on about 10-20 and wants to get back down and start running again.

We've never really tried to "do it together" - instead of that, we basically look at it as each of us has to do what we have to do. Even if that means that we make something for the kids, and we have something different....which usually ends up being the case.

We do share tips and or things we find that make life a little easier to stay on course. We'll share experiences in talking with people regarding what we're doing (or not doing). We've just recently had the discussion of what it's like when the other one is slipping. I thought it was amusing because for so long, it was just me on track, and he wasn't. Now when he's on track and I slip, he was saying it's an issue for him because he then wants to eat too. I just thought it was amusing because for so long it was just me doing it on my own, and I never said anything about him.....but it is true. I've noticed it now that he is on track that when he slips, it's easy for me to jump in too and not do things like I should.

Babbling.

Anyway - you're both in the same fight. Be open to each other's feelings about how things are going and what's helpful or not helpful. You'll get there!

radmack · August 2014

Hubby and I are getting in shape together, though I have lots more to lose than he does. We tend to either keep each other on a good path or help each other stray so to speak so we have to be really careful not to 'enable' each other.

seltzermint555 · August 2014

At the start of our relationship a year ago we would pig out on take-away pizza and snack on sweets and chocolate, it came as no surprise when the pounds packed on!

This happened to me as well. I've gained 70lbs immediately after meeting him. And then another 60lbs since. When we first got together, I wouldn't eat in front of him. I avoided eating in front of anyone if I could help it, but as we got closer I let my guard down and we both began just bingeing. We were nesting, I guess. Eating out a lot, watching movies with big bags of popcorn and candy, making Alfredo at midnight. It was also freshman year of college so there was the whole freshman fifteen anyway. I think that is one of the things that has been hardest for us to overcome. I am in treatment for binge eating now, but the bingeing is such an engrained part of our relationship. It's been been difficult for us

As far as the working out together...I should say that it's mostly my schedule and his attitude that keeps us from working out together. By the time we're spending time together (which is pretty limited with work, school, the board I'm on, and 5k training), I've already worked out because I hit the gym on my way home from work--a lot of which involves swimming. He can't swim. I've offered to teach him but it's a moot point. When we could possibly find some time to work out, I get a little frustrated and resentful because I've already worked out for an hour or so, and now I have to work out even more and put some of my tasks aside (homework, board prep) to work out with him. I try not to let this show and remind myself that an extra 30 mins of activity is an extra burn for the day. How much homework would I actually accomplish in 30mins anyway.

He works manual labor 6 days a week and he sort of refuses to do anything on Sunday. In the evenings after work he's just so exhausted and I don't blame him. I've tried to convince him to still try and work out, but I can't get him to budge and don't want to be a nag. I've tried to get him up in the AM to go for a walk but he refuses. I try reminding him of how good he feels after but it doesn't help. It's a bummer because I feel like I make positive exceptions for him that I'd rather not do (ie the extra workout), but I don't feel it reciprocated. It's only reciprocated in negative ways (ie I cave in and want to order pizza and he quickly agrees).

So I also get what another person said about not carrying the burden of another person's weight loss on your shoulders. I do this a lot and I shouldn't. It's hard though because I really care about him and I want what's best for him and somehow I've equated caring about him to worrying about his input and output, which only serves to distract me from my goals. He's one of those stone-faced, "I don't talk about my emotions", monotone kind of people. So sometimes it feels like he's not taking weight loss seriously or being mindful all the time because he doesn't verbalize it or show emotion, even though I know he is taking it seriously.

Also, he's really uneducated when it comes to healthy living and eating. I know what to do and how to do it, but struggle with follow through. Whereas he's someone who is completely clueless about weight loss and healthy eating. So I find him leaning on me more than I lean on him.

We're supposed to go to see my therapist together this week to put a plan together that we can execute together.

OP, after reading this post I feel like my earlier response was probably way too "simple" and didn't address the issues both of you are dealing with. That is some serious stuff, like the binge eating in your past and your boyfriend's lack of knowledge in this area. I really hope your therapist will be able to help you both!

This might just be me personally...but when I read the part about working out above it just sounded like a dreadful chore and it made ME not want to get any exercise ever again LOL. Maybe there's some way that it could be made into something genuinely fun, where you don't even realize it is "a workout"? Even half the time, let's say...going bowling, or for a really long walk all over town, or even just sight seeing for 90 minutes in a museum or two...I know it's not the same thing as a high intensity workout but I think mixing it up may really help!

bwogilvie · August 2014

A couple thoughts:

There's a saying going around that you lose weight in the kitchen, not the gym, and another that you diet to look good in clothes and work out to look good naked. It's a lot easier to not eat 500 calories than it is to exercise off those 500 calories. I would focus on diet, not exercise, at this point. You do want to do enough exercise to ensure that most of the weight you lose is fat, but you don't have to work out for 30 minutes every day to achieve that.

And if your boyfriend does manual labor 6 days a week, he may not need to work out separately at all, especially if his manual labor involves lifting heavy objects or moving quickly. If you're getting exercise walking and swimming, and he is getting exercise on his feet at work, you might not need to exercise together at all.

As to food, there's nothing inherently wrong with ordering pizza, IF you can measure and control how much of it you eat. That's a pretty big "if," of course. If you don't have a food scale, get one and use it. Measure out how much you can eat and stay within your calorie goals, then put the rest away and don't take any more. Have the rest the next day or the day after. The same applies to everything else that you enjoy eating. Unless you're planning to cut it out of your diet forever, you need to learn how to eat it in moderation. I do that with tortilla chips, which used to be one of my weaknesses. I'll put a bowl on my scale, measure out 21 grams of chips, and put the bag away before I start eating. Or at least, that's what I used to do. Now I've trained myself so I know what a reasonable portion is. I still count the chips out before eating, though, since otherwise it's all too easy to take one more, which quickly becomes half a dozen more.

It does help to learn which foods pack a lot of calories into a small package, and cut back on those. But you should balance that against foods that may have lots of calories but also leave you feeling full for a long time. For instance, studies show that people who regularly include a serving of nuts in their diet tend to eat fewer calories, on average, than those who don't, even though nuts are very calorie dense. Personally, I find that eggs keep me going for a lot longer than the same amount of calories in bread, though if I butter the bread, that tides me over for a while too. The lesson: A scrambled egg with buttered toast will fill me up for the morning, while two slices of toast won't, even though the first breakfast has fewer calories. Try to figure out your own lessons.

Finally, if one of you slips up, the other shouldn't take that as an excuse to stop too. Every day is a new day, and you can start over.

Good luck!

sharonpink · August 2014

My husband and I are losing weight together. I have a whole lot more to lose than he does. In the past 8 weeks, I've lost 18 and he's lost 22. And he eats a whole lot more than I do. It's a journey. He probably will only lose about another 20, while I have about 110 more to lose. We are both feeling better and it's not going to hurt either one of us from "eating healthier". Men inheritently lose weight faster though (I believe because of their muscle mass), so don't give up on yourself.

sherambler · August 2014

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. My boyfriend and I went to the therapist together last night and it went so well. I didn't realize how much losing weight meant to him. I didn't realize we were both concerned about being nutrition role models to our hypothetical children. I also didn't realize that I was 80% of the reason why our previous efforts together failed. It helped to put things in perspective and gave me some new non-weight or diet goals to work on. We both feel like we're in this together rather than two separate journeys merely running parallel to each other.

I think my therapist also explained to him how important and critical losing weight is for me and was able to explain better what it's like to be a food addict (she was one herself), which I think helped him understand what's going on in my brain a little bit better. When we give up together it hits me harder than him because of all my self-loathing, perfectionist tendencies, and I don't think he realized this before. So it gave him some tools to work with as well.

seltzermint555 · August 2014

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. My boyfriend and I went to the therapist together last night and it went so well. I didn't realize how much losing weight meant to him. I didn't realize we were both concerned about being nutrition role models to our hypothetical children. I also didn't realize that I was 80% of the reason why our previous efforts together failed. It helped to put things in perspective and gave me some new non-weight or diet goals to work on. We both feel like we're in this together rather than two separate journeys merely running parallel to each other.

I think my therapist also explained to him how important and critical losing weight is for me and was able to explain better what it's like to be a food addict (she was one herself), which I think helped him understand what's going on in my brain a little bit better. When we give up together it hits me harder than him because of all my self-loathing, perfectionist tendencies, and I don't think he realized this before. So it gave him some tools to work with as well.

That is great news, thank you for this update! It sounds like your therapist is a really good one and I hope this will be the beginning of great things for the two of you!

Losing Weight With Your Other Half

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