Angry and ashamed at your fat/pre-weight loss self?

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numinousnymph
numinousnymph Posts: 249 Member
in Motivation and Support
Does anyone else feel like this? I've lost 67 lbs since my heaviest weight, and am at a perfectly good, healthy weight now, and I look on the slimmer side. I have much more self-confidence than I did when I was overweight. But looking at pictures of my "old" self angers and upsets me. I hate looking at myself like that. I feel ashamed to have ever looked like that and to think I was walking around looking like that. It horrifies me to think that that was what everyone saw when they looked at me. I'm also angry at my fat self because after all my hard work and frustration, I'm left with ugly, excess, wrinkled skin that I'll more than likely have to have surgery to remove (yes, even with a loss of just shy of 70 lbs I'm certain I will still need surgery to get rid of loose skin, despite people saying it takes much more weight loss before you'll need skin removal). I gained all of my weight from the time I was seven to the time I was fifteen (started on and off losing weight after that point), so I didn't really understand about the concept of calories in vs. calories out and how how much (and the kind of food) I was eating was making me gain weight. But despite that, I can't stand looking at pictures of me as a fat kid, fat teen, fat adult. Even though I look very different and better now, I still feel embarrassed if someone sees me when I was fat. When I get compliments on how much weight I've lost and how good I look it just reminds me about how fat I used to be.

Sometimes, I feel like my fat self is a ghost that haunts me. :frown:
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Replies

  • FindingAmy77
    FindingAmy77 Posts: 1,266 Member
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    Oh yes I get it. I think this about myself sometimes too but if I ever say it out loud my husband gets onto to me. He is always telling me how much he wished I loved myself as much as he loves me. He tells me to not talk bad about his Amy when I see an old pic of myself come up on the slideshow on our computer. He is right. IT is what it is. I know it back then but was in denial. I don't purposely post my before pics on facebook hardly because it means I have to admit to people I was so big. But ... its whatever. You are not going to be that bigger you anymore so embrace your past so that you can look forward to your future. :flowerforyou:
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    I still love my fat self. I feel like 'she' was an awesome person, just clueless about calories in/calories out and proper food choices. In fact I feel sorry for 'her' because I remember how hard she worked at dieting and exercising while doing it all wrong.

    I'm not ashamed at all. I love who I was then and who I am now.
  • weightliftingaddict
    weightliftingaddict Posts: 28
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    I don't feel angry or ashamed. My old pics are motivation, if anything, to keep pushing forward. The biggest difference is not necessarily what I see in the mirror, but how I now feel. Being healthy is priceless! And becoming healthy is something to be proud of. Love the lessons you have learned and love yourself.
  • weightliftingaddict
    weightliftingaddict Posts: 28
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    Thumbs up seltzermint
  • brookielaw
    brookielaw Posts: 814 Member
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    No, not angry or ashamed, but I do feel sorry for the old me, because she couldn't have handled even half of the cool adventures I've been having lately!
  • Mariachicat
    Mariachicat Posts: 311 Member
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    I still love my fat self. I feel like 'she' was an awesome person, just clueless about calories in/calories out and proper food choices. In fact I feel sorry for 'her' because I remember how hard she worked at dieting and exercising while doing it all wrong.

    I'm not ashamed at all. I love who I was then and who I am now.

    ^^This.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    I still love my fat self. I feel like 'she' was an awesome person, just clueless about calories in/calories out and proper food choices. In fact I feel sorry for 'her' because I remember how hard she worked at dieting and exercising while doing it all wrong.

    I'm not ashamed at all. I love who I was then and who I am now.

    While never having been over weight....
    I feel the same way....

    Having actually done some reading, and listening, it is amazing at how easy it can be be if you are willing to learn, educate and apply things....
  • jillian_fan2425
    jillian_fan2425 Posts: 167 Member
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    I don't really like looking at photos of myself at my highest weight, and I wasn't proud of having reached that number on the scale, but I don't feel angry. That girl was dealing with a lot of stress and hadn't yet found a way to cope with all that she was juggling. It was kind of a dark time for me, but I emerged from it stronger and I think it was important because I learned a lot about myself. Instead of focusing on the past, I try to focus on how my new body and my newfound courage tell the story of who I have become, and I feel excited when I think about reaching new goals (including my goal weight) in the future.
  • jolarocknrolla
    jolarocknrolla Posts: 236 Member
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    Nope the fat me and the non-fat me are the same person. We both had/have the same drive and determination to succeed ... if anything I'm grateful for my "fat" photos, they keep me humble and motivated and help me remember why I'm doing this.
  • lalepepper
    lalepepper Posts: 447 Member
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    By this point I've had enough time to reflect and make improvements where I realize that I was coping the best way I knew how. If anything, I feel some pity for my old self for not having the knowledge to avoid getting so heavy in the first place. At the same time, I have forgiven myself for the behaviors that landed me at 293 lbs. I feel that anger and resentment toward myself would only serve to continue to hold me back. Pessimism, shame and depression helped me gain the weight, and hope and optimism have helped me lose it.

    I realize now that the habits that led me to gain all that weight go a lot farther than just eating too much - I had a disordered relationship with food and a lack of real tools to handle my problems. I can empathize with why I ate the way I did and allowed myself to get so fat. Now I'm much stronger and well informed because I've addressed the underlying issues that I was eating to handle.

    Yeah, I admit that I was weak and misinformed, and lacked a lot of foresight, but I've moved past that. I can't ask for much more than to live and learn, and try to live better. I have become a much more optimistic and enthusiastic person since losing weight, and refuse to let negative self-speak bring me back to where I started.
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
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    Angry? No. Ashamed? Not really.

    More just embarrassed and a little horrified when I look at fat pictures of myself. And determined like hell to never get back to that place!
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    Thumbs up seltzermint

    Thanks!

    I do wanna add a disclaimer that I don't feel others are *wrong* for feeling differently...actually I am very happy and oddly grateful that I don't hate myself -- now or at any previous time.
  • Chevy_Quest
    Chevy_Quest Posts: 2,012 Member
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    I still love my fat self. I feel like 'she' was an awesome person, just clueless about calories in/calories out and proper food choices. In fact I feel sorry for 'her' because I remember how hard she worked at dieting and exercising while doing it all wrong.

    I'm not ashamed at all. I love who I was then and who I am now.

    ^^This - Fantastic and right on!
    @Selzer - great post!

    And just to add.. when I see myself from before I see a person who just did not have as much knowledge as I do now.

    Also when I see myself from before I get really proud of what I have been able to accomplish and what I will accomplish in the future. So... I see myself in the "past" as the "starting" line and I revel and celebrate how far I have come! :drinker:
  • waltcote
    waltcote Posts: 372 Member
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    I don't have a lot of old pics but I am amazed how I looked. And i am proud of what I have accomplished! Can't change the past just learn from it and try to keep improving. :bigsmile:
  • LAT1963
    LAT1963 Posts: 1,375 Member
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    I haven't reached my goal weight, but I don't feel that way at all.

    Life happens. You have a history. Everyone has a history. Yours included a time in which you were fat. That past time is part of what makes you "you", now.

    It sounds like you learned a lot about how painful social exclusion can be, because for you fat was a barrier between you and other people.

    You can apply that experience to your world now as a thin person. You see a fat person, you have empathy for their situation, and maybe knowledge that can help them if they experience fat as a problem and are ready to ask for help. But you can also have empathy for others who might feel excluded--the handicapped, the shy (who may feel as socially insecure as you did at high weight), the immigrant...anyone who lacks social confidence. You know that feeling. You can relate to that feeling.

    Being fat wasn't shameful. It was a learning experience. Use your memories of being fat to be a better "you" now--give your past suffering some meaning and use.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    At my heaviest weight, I was 36 pounds more than I am today. Still, that was when I first dated my husband. At my wedding, I was 25 pounds heavier than I am today. I still love those pictures and think I looked beautiful. But that probably has more to do with the happiness that's evident on my face and less to do with my size.

    So no, I'm not angry or ashamed at the size I used to be. I think I emanated confidence and satisfaction in my appearance at all points in my life, and the fact that it shows up in pictures makes me smile.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
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    I plan to burn all my fat photos except for one.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    I am not angry because I had to find ways to deal and comfort myself rather than eat. Now I can help others which is very fulfilling. I am proud of myself for getting my weight down. I have had to learn to set boundaries with myself and tell myself No. I have had to learn I can get thru tough stuff without all that food and find out who I really am. I have learned I can make changes and get my self respect back. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol, I turned to food. I think we cope with stress anyway we can until we find better ways, problem solving, exercise.

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