I'm doing Ok, but I'm terrified for my husband, any advice?

AmethystaG · August 2014

So to give you a bit of info, my husband and I have been together for 6 years and we haven't exactly been good about what we eat or exercise, at all.

and over the course of our relationship I've put on 60lbs, but he'd put on nearly 180lbs.

So when I had our daughter, I decided it was time for us to do something about the extra weight. but it's pretty much gone downhill from there. we discussed the weight and how we needed to work it off. We tried counting, limiting portion sizes, changing what we eat and how often we eat out, but after only a couple weeks we always revert back to where we were. The worst part is he didn't seem to care as much as I do, so I was the one weighing and measuring and cooking, and after working all day, I don't really want to come home just to work more. So we kinda gave up for a bit.

So I focused on exercise instead. I searched everywhere for something for us both to do because I know he won't exercise unless I push him to. I needed something that was no-impact, adjustable for each participant/challenge level, that we could do at the same time, at home, and most importantly: FREE. Yeah, no luck. We even have a 24/hr gym not even 2 minutes walk from our front door, but with our income we couldn't afford it. and I hate it. Finally a friend told me about DDP Yoga, and let me borrow her DVDs and it seemed like I'd found the perfect thing! My husband even seemed excited after he tried it. I've been doing it regularly for a couple of months now and I LOVE it! It's just the perfect amount of challenge to get me off my butt and I try to do it 4 times a week. I've lost almost 15lbs so far. Not so much for my husband...

He lost his job. It's been almost a year and he's put on another 70 lbs.

I've tried everything I can think of and it's always the same thing, He'll try it the first time, like it. tries it the second time, complains all the way through, and puts up a fight the third time. and by this point I'm so angry and frustrated I can't even see straight, then he'll just ignore me entirely for 2-ish weeks and we start all over again. Every time I get so strung out about getting him to exercise that I end up skipping a week before I get my head straight and try again.

I'm absolutely terrified for his health, he's so heavy our scale errors out when he steps on, and the manufacturer says it maxes at 475lbs. He doesn't sleep well, he seems constantly tired, and I'm so scared that one day something will happen to him because of his weight. I don't want to have to raise our daughter alone.

And it's not just his health that's driving me up the wall: because he has no job I'm the sole source of income for us and we can't afford a lot of things, like food. It's ridiculous, we make too much money to qualify for any assistance, but because of our student loans, we don't have enough income to make ends meet. the only time we get actual groceries is if family sends us money or takes us shopping. Otherwise we practically live off of crap like macaroni. But he still lives as though this wasn't true, he spends every spare penny we have and buys junk food or pizza, even if it means I have to ask friends for gas money so I can make it to work. This has, unfortunately, even forced a few bad habits on me. Like the fact that I don't eat anything outside the house unless it's free, even if it means spending my lunch hour at work hungry, which happens a lot more than I'd like to admit.

So to summarize, I can't afford to feed my family, but my husband has a spending problem and binge eats junk food, refuses to exercise, and is dangerously close to serious health problems as he weighs over 475lbs. I have run out of ideas. I've tried everything I can think of, from supportive words, logical conversations, even bribing him or cutting him off from his hobbies. I just don't know what to do anymore, I need some outside help here, maybe even an intervention? Any advice you have, or stories on how you've helped a SO or family member? I'm at my wits end.

TL/DR: my husband is destroying himself and I need advice

my_2_cents · August 2014

You are having a rough time, and I wish I had a solution for you. Unfortunately I don't.

I do see some things I might point out though, first, you seem like you feel it is your responsibility to change or control your husband's behaviour. It isn't, he's an adult and needs to be treated like one. You don't get to take away hobbies from an adult as punishment for not exercising.

You need to make life choices for yourself, your husband can get on board or get out of the way. Exercise can be free, you can walk and run outdoors, do the DVD's in your house etc. Eating is not optional though. If you are the one earning income, then sit down with your husband and do a budget. Every single bill must be paid, and then you set aside money for groceries, gas etc. You budget each item with reasonable amounts of money and stick to them the same way you stick to your calorie goals on here. Make sure you budget for clothing, school supplies for kids, house & vehicle maintenance etc.

Once all that is done, then you may or may not have a small amount of money left over. That money is your family money that the whole family can choose what do do with. If you can't agree how to spend it together, then split it equally between all the members of your family. The kids money should mostly go into savings for education with perhaps a tiny amount for toys and treats depending on their ages. You and your husband then split the rest as spending money. Even if its only $10 per week spending money, that's enough for a small treat or gas to get to an event you choose to take in etc.

There are numerous good apps and websites for budgeting that you can use that have tools similar to what MFP does for food. A good way to break this all down is to live off cash only, sometimes its too easy to swipe a card and not see the amount you have left shrink.

Your husband likely has depression and self worth issues at this point from not being able to provide for his family or lose weight. If your workplace has a medical plan, perhaps it covers counselling that he can go to, or you can go to together to get help. Investigating that costs nothing, your husband might not like it, let it be his decision.

P.S. depending where you live, governments will contribute to your kids education savings too. In Canada, the government adds an extra 20% of whatever you contribute and it all grows tax free. This can save your kids from future headaches like you have now with student loans.

RodaRose · August 2014

Congrats on losing 15 pounds. That is a huge accomplishment. And yoga is fabulous.
How old is your daughter? You probably qualify for food banks.
Instead of focusing on so called "healthy" foods, eat small portions. Skipping lunch is ok.You feel like it is a deprivation and I understand that. I skip lunch on purpose sometimes because I am restricting calories or because I do not have time.
Relatively inexpensive foods: pasta, tomato sauce, dried beans and lentils, peas, potatoes, sweet potatoes, eggs, bananas, oatmeal, rice, canned tuna (once or twice a week only), peanut butter, bread, cabbage, frozen and canned veggies and fruits.
I eat a lot of beans.

Quit pushing the guy to exercise or telling him to stay away from his friends. Seriously. Leave him alone. It is not doing you any good. Exercise for yourself and eat for your own goals. He will come around or not. It does not even matter because you are working for yourself.
Check with the holders of your student loans to see if you can defer, get a forbearance, or consolidate -- in a way that will actually benefit you.
Start savings for car maintenance if you do not already have that. I would have a major serious talk to him about gas money (pick one thing to talk about and focus on that -- gas). Once you have control of your ability to get back and forth to work, you will feel like you have some sanity.

tiptoethruthetulips · August 2014

Has it been considered that your husband is suffering depression...lost job, weight gain, continually tired, not sleeping well???

caracrawford1 · August 2014

On the student loans: talk to your servicer and see if they can pur you on forbearance/deferment. If you have exhausted those options, see if you qualify for income sensitive repayment plan(s).
Try to apply for wic/food stamps. You can get these applications expedited if it is an emergency (ie, no food) which in your case it is.
Also, depending on your income you may qualify for discounts on your utility bills. Ask your service providers.

Flyer69 · August 2014

Wow this is a difficult one.
If it was me then I would go for tough love and lay it all out. However instead of confronting him I would write it all down, leave it for him and go away for a weekend which gives him time to think about it.

In it I would say how much you love him but that you can not stand by and let him slide towards self destruction and taking you along.
His health will star to deteriorate fast and you could not look after him and your family as well.

Tell him that if he is unwilling to change you will have to consider moving out although really it is not something you want to do.
List all the health problems he face, like diabites, risk f heart attacks, strokes and other health problems which come with being that Obese.

Obviously you write it all down nicely and lovingly, give him at least a day to stew on it, as he will be angry first but will swing around when he thinks about it a bit more.

Seriously if you can't turn him around you will be having an enormously difficult time from what I can see.

janupshaw · August 2014

All good advice. He has to lose weight/exercise for himself. If he's just doing it for you it will never last. I think your focus should shift from his weight problem to your no food/no gas problem. Is there a food bank in your area? I'm sorry you're going through this, good luck to you & congrats on your weight loss

dhall2011 · August 2014

I'm sorry for all this that you are dealing with but I wouldn't push him. If you are the one doing the grocery shopping though you could control what foods come in the house maybe? If there are any unprocessed foods he will eat start with bringing more of it in. Without pushing my husband I told him that I was changing the way our family ate because I was concerned for our health. I told him I would bring in new foods and I needed his input on what he liked best so I could bring home enjoyable food to him that I felt good about preparing. I didn't want to be responsible for his heart attack if he had one. I mostly keep the conversation about being healthy (not weight) and how it was so difficult to try to do it with him eating differently than me. Could he help me reach my goals by not encouraging wrong food choices? He still is not perfect or fully invested but he is taking better steps.

AeiriMuse · August 2014

As I know both you and your husband, I understand a lot of what you're saying.

First off, I really want to say well done on the 15lbs. I've watched you leave and come back and it's nice to see that you found something that is working for you.

I know someone else mentioned it above, but it is possible that he's facing depression. It's so easy to fall into games and sitting at a computer or a console all day and losing yourself into the story lines to help get through the portion of the day that you're on your own. I know how it feels to keep trying and not get a job and see my boyfriend work everyday for months at a time. I know I've struggled a bit, but my boyfriend didn't take anything away from me. He suggested things to me, and when I did do activity and eat right, he made it very positive.

Though, I know your husband, too. It's possible that he needs more than your words of encouragement. This very well may take an intervention and a cooperative effort from friends and family to get him going and get to a point where he can do it on his own without the nagging or encouragement. Now might be the time to break it to friends and family and him that if they/he doesn't get him moving and improving on himself then he is going to break the hearts of the two women in his life that love him the most.

The key thing is to keep believing in him. Sometimes, the only way to coax someone into believing in themselves is to believe in them and let them know that you believe in them. I know that it took me forever to feel that I was beautiful. My boyfriend has invested over four years of telling me that I am beautiful every day for me to really see it myself.

Yet, as much as I think that he needs that support, you really do need to lead him by example. You need to focus on you and get into a healthy lifestyle. It is so much easier for someone like him to finally get on the wagon with you if you're already set and hardwired in. Having a partner in the house that gets it going makes it contagious.

Finally, one last suggestion is to work on one thing at a time. You can't make a total overhaul overnight. First things first is to probably focus on the budgeting as it will indirectly affect his food intake. Next, step on to really adjusting the food intake. It's been proven that intake alone can start helping his weight lower. Next, kick in hydration with WATER, not soda or juices. Finally, coax him into doing the workouts. Another thing to try is instead of doing them together, do them one at a time or have him do the exercise without you watching. I know that I am way too distracted to do my workouts if my boyfriend is around--or anyone for that matter. My activities are done best privately. Perhaps he's the same way, where you just need to get him going and just check in from time to time to make sure he's doing it.

To add on to that last bit--the first three weeks are the absolute hardest to keep doing a routine. Though once you reach that point where it finally doesn't feel like you're dying from doing it, it's all about just getting started and from then on it's easy to get through.

One last thing, now that I realize it, when he is having the worst time getting the nerve to do the workout or to stick to water an the diet, ask him this:

Can you keep to this just for today?

Ask him that--get him to ask himself that--every time he finds himself stumped. What are his causes for the need of a healthier lifestyle? His soul mate, his daughter, his family and friends, and, most importantly, for himself. Can he just get through today?

SLLeask · August 2014

When it comes down to it, there is only one person who can make the decision to get healthy and that is your husband. However, it does sound like he is suffering from depression and I would try and get him to see his doctor. If he can begin to get mentally healthy then he may realise he needs to get physically healthy too.

I would also ask him one question and ask him not to give you an answer you but just to think about it:
Does he want to see his daughter grow up? Ask him to imagine how desperately sad and angry she will feel if he dies early simply because he didn't love her enough to want to get get healthy again to walk her down the aisle some day or to meet his future grand kids...

I know it's probably mean to guilt someone into doing something, but sometimes the bare faced truth is the answer. If he continues the way he is going he WILL die and he will NOT see his child grow up. Simple.

I'm doing Ok, but I'm terrified for my husband, any advice?

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