I feel like crying and feel like I failed

ow my brain

yes. I have had those days when I feel fatter or more flabby and I have days where I feel like I look awesome. Here is some advice for you: stop looking in the mirror and seeing flaws. If you are having one of these days, stay away from the mirror and get out and go walk/jog to get your mind off of it. Be nice to yourself. You are going through what I like to call is an awkward stage where your body is playing catch up or its in your head. We are so mean to ourselves sometimes so its hard to tell the difference. Hey awesome on you for the 149.6... I want to see that number so bad I can taste it. Just get to working out and it will be fine., :flowerforyou:

You have an unhealthy fixation with your body. You are at a healthy weight. You could diet if you wanted to lose a few pounds, but you are trying to correct nonexistent flaws. This isn't healthy! I know, because I've been where you are now. From your posts (including your other one about cosmetic surgery) you seem like your on the brink of an eating disorder. Your body does not define you. Even if you were morbidly obese (which you are in no way near) it wouldn't have any impact on your self worth. Get off the scale. Stop counting the calories. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror. You need to learn to love yourself. That includes everything. You also have a heart and a mind, which are far more valuable.

Go seek counseling. Take a break from dieting before you fall off the deep end. You need to heal on the inside before you can fix the outside. You are HEALTHY. You do not need to change your appearance. You need to love yourself. Looking the way you wish will not fix life's problems. The world will not magically fall at your feet. You will still be unhappy, because you will have found something else to fixate on. For the love of God, PLEASE STOP. There are far more valuable pursuits than having prominent collar bones.

I was almost exactly like you, right down to the height and weight. Thinking like this sends you down a spiral of unhappiness. I thought that if I fixed how I looked, I'd have friends, a better job, success with men, etc. Instead of becoming the perfect person I wanted, I lost years of my life chasing a insatiable fantasy. Stop listening to the voice inside your head. Don't get the surgery to enhance your butt. Save the money. It takes a long time to pull yourself out of this hole, but you can do it! It is so completely worth it in the end. It took me years, but now I've accepted that my weight can't fix my life's problems. I've moved on, and now I'm ready to lose weight the healthy way (including psychologically healthy.) I accept that I will not look like Angelina Jolie once I reach my goal weight. I accept that I will still have larger thighs and pasty white skin. I accept that I'll still probably have the flab of fat between my boobs and my arms. It's ok. It doesn't define me. And it doesn't define you either.

You can do this. Go cover up the mirror and hide the scale. Walk around the park, the library, or anywhere else and people watch. There will be beautiful people and average people. Some are attractive, some are not. But what you'll quickly notice is that it has no bearing on their happiness. You can still fall in love, laugh with friends, and have children with being conventionally attractive. You can still succeed in your career, and travel the world. The way you look does not put barriers on how you can live. Only your mind does that.

When you're dieting, over time your muscle glycogen gets depleted. When this happens, your muscles become smaller in size and this can make it appear that you got fatter because the fat is now spread over less volume. I usually have a refeed day when my muscles look too flat. After a refeed day, I do gain a bit of weight but I look a lot leaner.