What if one spouse doesn't like

not_satisfied
not_satisfied Posts: 782 Member
in Motivation and Support
About a year and a half ago I began making a change in my lifestyle. Eating better, exercising regularly. ok, perhaps some would say obsessively. And I made a real change in my fitness, and also on my overall outlook on life. I don't want to waste any more time. I want to continue to better myself. I want to help others better THEMselves.

The problem is: My spouse isn't terribly fond of the new me. She liked me better before. When I had less confidence. When I was more content to let things be. I don't know if I can even define it or put my finger on exactly what was different before, but I'm wondering of others have had this same kind of thing happen in their relationships.

Has your journey to better fitness affected your personal relationships in a negative way? If so, how did you deal with it?

Replies

  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    You can talk to her. If you cannot put your finger on what the issue is, you really need to find out.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    There are many ways to read this post. If we asked her, would she say that you've turned into a bit of a ****? That your behaviour has turned for the worse?

    I'm not saying you are or that it has - just asking, because usually in these situations there are two very different stories involved.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    About a year and a half ago I began making a change in my lifestyle. Eating better, exercising regularly. ok, perhaps some would say obsessively. And I made a real change in my fitness, and also on my overall outlook on life. I don't want to waste any more time. I want to continue to better myself. I want to help others better THEMselves.

    Are you projecting your obsessive healthy lifestyle on her? Because you sound kind of insufferable.
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  • rainrain83
    rainrain83 Posts: 82 Member
    maybe your partner just feels left behind. some people have no interest in health & fitness and never will
    so perhaps you are no longer suited as a couple.
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  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    I'd talk to her best friend to find out what the real story is.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    There are many ways to read this post. If we asked her, would she say that you've turned into a bit of a ****? That your behaviour has turned for the worse?

    I'm not saying you are or that it has - just asking, because usually in these situations there are two very different stories involved.

    Yes, she would definitely say that I've turned into a jerk. That I'm arrogant, and that I'm not fun or nice anymore. But I really don't think it's true. There are a lot of people that would also DISagree with that.

    Maybe you should break up with her and hook up with one of those "lot of people".

    You have to talk to her. And listen. Really listen - not just wait for your turn to talk.

    Ain't no magic pill for it...
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,229 Member
    Sounds like along with your self improvement you may have become a bit arrogant. You may not mean to, but she fell for a guy who I presume she had a lot in common with who has now completely changed, and who now looks down on that old way of life - which she may see as you looking down on her. That's got to sting.
  • kingscrown
    kingscrown Posts: 615 Member
    My hubby was resistant to time spent away from home and away from him when I began exercising. It really was a lot of time. I just altered my time and work out in the morning when he's at work. Now if he's home on a workout day he's learned that he's dipping into my time and needs to be patient. Also the food thing. I eat clean and healthy. He'd rather not. I do make lots of things he'll eat just fine, but there are a few that he'll really let me know "no way." I've asked him to cut down on bring junk home that tempt me. So, I don't make him eat things he's rather not... most of the time.

    He still likes me. I think because I don't push exercise and eating better on him. I will occasionally make a comment. Like his burrito habit. I'll say it's only because I want you there when I'm old and gray. I don't want to be alone. In reality... if he goes first I'll have no problem finding another husband should I choose. :D I try and let him live his life the way that makes him happy and he's getting use to slowly letting me live my life that makes me happy. At the core we still have common interests and I make sure we do them together. That way the healthy way of life doesn't divide us.
  • wonderwoman234
    wonderwoman234 Posts: 551 Member
    Just remember that your wife loved you when you were fat and lazy.....

    Seriously, though, you use the word "obsessed" and you also refer to wanting to help OTHERS have a more active lifestyle. Maybe your wife doesn't want you prothletizing to her all the time. That would be highly annoying. Unless she's asking for your advice you should spare her. She's an adult.

    The grass is rarely greener on the other side and TWO people create the dynamic in a relationship. If your wife is feeling like you are an arrogant jerk who isn't nice anymore, there is probably a reason for this. Get thee to a marriage therapist.
  • TheArchyBunker
    TheArchyBunker Posts: 1,967 Member
    SAME exact boat as me. 2 years I've been pushing myself I crashed hard for a few months now getting back on the wagon and dealing with the obstacles she throws out. Back to the lack of time for me and all that came before. NOT fun. At least I get to work out and that makes me happy. I am a trainer now and I get to help others that makes me happier yet!
  • Kevalicious99
    Kevalicious99 Posts: 1,131 Member
    maybe your partner just feels left behind. some people have no interest in health & fitness and never will
    so perhaps you are no longer suited as a couple.

    This is exactly what my sister told me ... to find someone with like fitness goals / desires and thoughts. She has found that otherwise it will just not work.

    Like .. they want to go to McDonalds and you want to be healthy. There will be a lot of issues unless you are thinking the same.

    I could now not be attached in a relationship with someone that did not take care of themselves. It is a fundamental shift in my beliefs and I am ok with it as I am not ever going to be that fat / overweight person I was 1 year ago. (I started my fitness journey on Aug 13th last year).

    So .. something has to give and honestly I would suggest that you are a more confident / extroverted person now and they do not like it and are feeling threatened. An increase in self esteem brought on by weight loss can do this.
  • Joannah700
    Joannah700 Posts: 2,665 Member
    Is it your new confidence she doesn't like or your attitude toward the lifestyle and food you once shared?

    I supported my ex' s food and lifestyle change...asking him what he wanted to eat and trying to fit our lifestyle within his parameters. However, once he began making passive aggressive remarks about my size...yeah I stopped suggesting physical activities we could do together like dancing or walking around museums.

    She may be accepting of the lifestyle, but make sure you still accept her.
  • FitOldMomma
    FitOldMomma Posts: 790 Member
    I've heard wives of newly sober husbands say similar things. That even without the problems the drinking caused in their marriages, they don't always like how their newly sober spouse acts. :(

    I think personally it is because the other is changing...and that is scary. We become used to and know what to expect from our spouses and when they make fundamental changes in their lives, well...it also affects us too.

    Maybe they are secretly a bit jealous that you are achieving something good for yourself and it makes them hyper aware of something they don't like about themselves. Maybe she is afraid you're going to find someone else who shares your new found zest for healthy living?

    But guessing isn't going to accomplish any changes. You need to have a heart to heart talk with her and get to the gist of what is really bothering her. Maybe you are obsessed and perhaps you don't realize it may sound like bragging to her.

    Anyway, good luck. Keep on with your healthy choices.
  • DaveDeLange
    DaveDeLange Posts: 48
    It's impossible to say really...obviously there are two sides to every story.

    If other people tell you that your character has not changed and you sincerely believe it hasn't, perhaps she resents you looking better and being more confident.

    Is she overweight herself?

    Often it does make people insecure when their wife or husband changes and becomes more attractive and confident, especially if they are that way inclined. Ultimately it's something they have to deal with.

    Btw I can't believe some people talking about ending the marriage. Is it any wonder divorce rates are so high when people resort to that before doing all they can to work through problems and hard times!?
  • Gwynnether
    Gwynnether Posts: 27 Member
    maybe your partner just feels left behind.

    This. I can't imagine that it's easy for anyone if your spouse changes his whole life style, his diet and his activities. She might feel like she is part of that 'old life' that you are leaving behind. You should talk to her, address the tension and be open about it. Tell her how you feel and ask her what the reasons are why she is not fond of the new you. Talk it out.

    I don't like reading all the 'break up' suggestions. Surely the two of you didn't fall for each other other over your common love for eating junk food and being lazy. If you two love each other, you can overcome any obstacle. This one too. But that's only if you're willing to be open about it, talk it out and show empathy for the other person. I'm sure you will do fine :)
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    My husband could care less about eating healthy and exercising but it hasn't caused any problems. Then again, we've never been the kind of couple to be in each others back pockets all the time. If you two used to spend a lot of time together and no longer do that because you're working out or whatever - as others speculated, she may be feeling behind. And if you're giving her unsolicited advice...that kind of stuff rubs a lot of folks the wrong way.

    None of us can know for sure because we have no insight about the specifics of what's going on. We can speculate but that's all this is. If you've already tried talking to her in an honest but tactful way and that's not helping, you may want to consider couples counseling.
  • Mohana94
    Mohana94 Posts: 54
    I used to feel the same way when my sister started making changes to her diet and lifestyle. I felt really excluded and extremely annoyed when she would not stop commenting on my lifestyle and food choices. I think you need to encourage her and try to get her involved in your lifestyle in a POSITIVE way. Now we exercise together and encourage each other and that way we also get to spend more time together.
  • Adc7225
    Adc7225 Posts: 1,318 Member
    Each person in their own time will change . . . for better or worse!

    I experienced something like this. My "whatever" started going to the gym, getting all chiseled and stuff :bigsmile: But he never pushed or suggested that I do anything. One day I just went into the gym, wound up signing up, started eating better and while we went together for a short while he fell off going and gained 40 lbs. One day I looked at him and thought he is fat . . . but I also realized that I would still love him without a head and only one leg - so the weight issue didn't bother me. BUT he felt differently, my weight loss was an issue for him, not sure what issue but things ended between us!

    You admit that you have changed (not all in a great way), I think most of us like to think we don't change but to some degree society makes us change - because we are treated differently by society . You say you want to help people be healthier - but they have to want it first. It sounds like you want to share this with our spouse but she is not interested or maybe just not ready - remember you started this when YOU were ready, are you willing to accept that some people may never be ready?:flowerforyou:

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