Accepting What I Can't Control

When it rains, it pours it seems in my world. This week has been one of the downpour weeks. Both personally and professionally it has hit. I have watched people who I care about hurting and felt helpless in many ways. That is my biggest weakness. I want to fix EVERYTHING. I want to make it all better. As I received a phone call this morning with yet another hit to the emotional scale, I just felt the energy leave my body. It was hard news to hear, because there is nothing that I can do to stop it and nothing I can do to make the situation better or different. Everything has just spiraled. I’m tired and cranky and really trying to keep my head above water for the most part.

I had a work event yesterday at lunch, and I didn’t work out for the second day in a row. That hit me hard as well. It’s funny how 2 days in a row can start to shift the mentality on working out. Here I was getting close to my lunch hour, with bad news once again in my lap and not having an ounce of motivation to work out. I was getting close to just going shopping for a new shirt to wear for girls night tonight (where I know I will drink calories), and then I just made the decision to go and workout. No excuses….Don’t fall into this trap again….get your big *kitten* up and MOVE!!! So I headed down to the gym and decided that I would get on the treadmill. It wouldn’t be much, but it would be something….I could say that I worked out today. As I was warming up, I started to feel guilty that I hadn’t come down for core class and that I wasn’t pushing myself enough…..so I opted to do a little run/walk. That way I would get my heart rate up. I didn’t really set any time parameters, I just wanted to run for a bit. The first go was 2 minutes, my calves were burning so I walked another 2 minutes and tried to loosen them up. Next was 3 minutes and then walk 90 seconds. I was starting to feel a little confident in my breathing and pushed to 4 minutes, 2 minute walk, repeated……then 5 MINUTES. I was ecstatic!!!! I kept going with 5 minute run/2 minute walk. In the end, I had been on the treadmill for about 35 minutes and I ran 25 of it! It was AWESOME!!! It has been so long since I have been able to run like that. Running to me is a love/hate relationship. It hurts in so many ways, but I get an amazing rush from doing it, and thus far no other exercise has made me feel more accomplished in my journey. I could do 150 sit ups in a pilates class, but saying I went for a 4 mile run has more clout to me. I am not sure why….but I went on a 3 mile run today!!! BOOYAH!

As I was getting dressed and coming down from the run high, I felt so much lighter (emotionally). I really needed that. I needed to push myself. I needed to be IN CONTROL of something! I can ONLY be in control of myself. It’s a hard thing to accept, and I know I am such a long way from that place, but for today in this moment of sweat and heavy breathing…I had let go of all the crap from this week. I was proud of what I could control and that I didn’t let the rest of it pull me down today, because it really could have. It was the first moment of relief from my mind going crazy all week. It was euphoric. I want to hold on to that feeling for a few days and forget about some of the other things that are going on in my world. Instead, I will choose to have a great time with my girlfriend tonight and show off the slender physique I have been rocking in a currently undecided “perfect outfit”. I will make healthy choices and not feel guilty about my vodka sodas because I RAN 3 MILES TODAY!

From my blog at www.rejenuvate.com