The forbidden food log...

I just wanted to thank you for your reply manderson27.

That is such a fair comparison, I've never really looked at smoking that way... but I can see that addictions/illnesses or whatever you are struggling with all encompass things we struggle to overcome no matter how much we may desire to. Smoking, drugs, alcohol, overeating... they all have traits similar to that of my under eating.

My doctor will be finding out on Thursday at my weekly weigh in. I'm going to try and talk to someone about this before then, but if I'm unable to at least she will catch on later this week. I'd like to avoid hospitalization again *cross fingers*

You were very helpful, and encouraging. Thank you! Good luck in your journeys

I decided to make this post explaining who I am and why I am here:

Hello, my name is Kara and I am 21 years old.

On the outside I look like your average college bound, young adult.
On the inside I struggle with Anxiety, PTSD, and worst of all I have an eating disorder.

I've had an incredibly traumatizing year after I was hurt very badly by my ex-fiance right after discovering I was pregnant.

Something you should know about eating disorders... there is no cure. There is a thin wall between recovery and relapse.
Mine remained dormant for a few years but...
I ended up relapsing into my eating disorder, and spent a good portion of my pregnancy in an inpatient eating disorder clinic.
Finally after many many calorie exchanges, putting on some weight, group sessions with others struggling, and lots of classes I was cleared. On condition of my release, I moved in with family for support in reaching 'recovery'.

I see my ob/gyn to monitor my little one, I see my therapist to get things off my chest, and I see my dietician for obvious reasons.
All of this I do weekly, and I never miss an appointment, and I have gained a lot of healthy weight for my baby due to this.
My eating disorder went dormant again, and I was in a supposed recovery stage again.

With less than a month left until my baby is here, and with multiple other stresses and triggers I have relapsed a little. It is not full blown or anything extremely crazy. I'm not trying to lose weight yet, and I am still striving to reach my daily goal of 2,000 calories (most of the time succeeding!). I am merely having a lot more ED thoughts, with the occasional days I find it hard to reach my goals. I never have dropped below 1,300calories since I've gotten out of clinic.

Something you should know is I think about my baby constantly. She is the entire reason I am trying so hard, and fighting this. I have to fight at every meal and snack time for her. I put aside my own selfish desires, so I can give her the nutrition she needs to grow and be healthy. I've been told every scare tactic in the book, and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, I.. just... can't. Sometimes I need to vent, sometimes I need to blow off steam and complain. Sometimes, I need to just let all the awful eating disorder thoughts out of my head so I don't act on them.

Do you know what its like to hate yourself when you eat, and hate yourself when you don't? Do you know the intense desire I feel to waste away to nothing, and to stop taking up space? Do you know how it feels to walk past a mirror and be completely disgusted by your own reflection? Do you know what it is like to struggle with these thoughts that haunt you when you are sleeping or awake???

How can you judge me when you don't know?

You call me a horrible mother? I am fighting the hardest battle of my life right now, all for her! I try so damn hard.
You call me psychotic? No I am not crazy, insane, and I don't suffer from psychosis. I don't see hallucinations or delusions.
You call me stupid? Again, I'm quite intelligent as much as you'd like to believe otherwise... I just happen to struggle with eating.
You call me a troll? No, I'm not kidding you. An eating disorder is not a joke, many people suffer and die from it.
You tell me to kill myself? I'm sorry you don't think I deserve to live, but suicide is never the answer.
You tell me how ugly and fat I am? This doesn't even phase me, because I already think these things...
You tell me to 'just eat'? Why don't you go try telling someone with broken legs to 'just walk', it is the same thing... pointless.

I love my daughter, more than life itself. I would gladly give my life for her. I have gained weight for her, something that absolutely terrifies me. I have gotten stretchmarks from carrying her, because I've never been this size before. I eat, when eating is a non-enjoyable task for me. I provide everything she needs, and I am at an appointment almost daily making sure she is on track and developing properly. I talk to her, and I tell her my struggles... and I have written her letters telling her what a struggle this pregnancy has been for me, but that I'd do it over in a heartbeat just to have her here.

I came on this site for support, and to try and meet others with similar battles and struggles. I have met some very very nice and helpful people, but now I am getting bullied for having an eating disorder and not hiding it.

I am being messaged terrible things about myself. Do you think this helps my disorder?
I understand constructive criticism, but I will never understand blatant bullying. Name calling, and being told terrible things.

Don't put me down. Don't judge me for my disorder. Don't harass and embarrass me.

thanks~

p.s. for those of you who have left me something encouraging and sweet, thank you. Your comments weren't ignored. I took the advice and did call my dietician about things the other day. Thank you again, and you are the kind of good people I like to see on this website!!

'Real' people won't love you more or less if you're skinny or fat.

Just remember, someone who is too skinny is just as unhealthy, unhappy, and unattractive as someone who is obese.

If you don't want to eat healthy for yourself, do it for your baby.

Definition of real: Actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.

By definition every human being is 'real' as we all exist. Believe it or not people (not every single person obviously) will love you more or less depending on how thin you are, and people do judge you.

In my opinion skinny looks good, and obese and overweight looks bad.
When I'm skinny, I happen to be very happy.
You can be skinny and healthy.


Did you completely just ignore what I posted?

Go back and read what I posted, and then go educate yourself on anorexia and eating disorders.
I'll make it easy and copy and paste what I wrote:

" With less than a month left until my baby is here, and with multiple other stresses and triggers I have relapsed a little. It is not full blown or anything extremely crazy. I'm not trying to lose weight yet, and I am still striving to reach my daily goal of 2,000 calories (most of the time succeeding!). I am merely having a lot more ED thoughts, with the occasional days I find it hard to reach my goals. I never have dropped below 1,300calories since I've gotten out of clinic.

Something you should know is I think about my baby constantly. She is the entire reason I am trying so hard, and fighting this. I have to fight at every meal and snack time for her. I put aside my own selfish desires, so I can give her the nutrition she needs to grow and be healthy. I've been told every scare tactic in the book, and I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, I.. just... can't. Sometimes I need to vent, sometimes I need to blow off steam and complain. Sometimes, I need to just let all the awful eating disorder thoughts out of my head so I don't act on them. "


I've made it very clear how hard I am working for my baby, and for myself. Hence why I checked myself into treatment when I found out I was pregnant... and how I have a big team of outpatient medical professionals helping me get through this. I stated how I've not decreased my calories below 1, 300 calories. I am eating! I occasionally have the bad day, and can't meet my goal calorie intake, but I am not starving myself and trying to lose weight.

Ugh, ignorance.

I cannot understand what you are going through (fortunately for me), but do please trust the people that are there to help you, open up to them, and follow their instructions, although your inner demons are telling you not to.
And yes, grow strong for your daughter, because she will need you, not only now, but definitely after she is born, 24/7.

For even without the problems you are going through, taking care of a baby is very demanding, more so if you are a single mam. I can only admire them.
I am sure that more mams will agree with me that how you look is not that important after you first had a baby, more often than not, it was noon till I got dressed those first few weeks, and not because I was being lazy.

And don't worry about the stretch marks, carry them with pride. They are there because you created a life!
I am proud of mine. They were given to me by my second baby, who is turning six in two weeks time! My belly reminds me he used to live in there, and I will carry this memento long after he has grown into a man.
(I am pretty sure my wrinkly face is caused by my three kids as well )

You are so sweet. I will keep a lot you said in mind.